Hey. You're not gonna believe this.
I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy.
They printed it. Yeah.
I didn't know they prints jokes.
They print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism.
他们有笑话 专访 扎实新闻报导
It's not just about the pictures.
It didn't work on Mom, it's not gonna work on us.
Here, check it out. It's the first one too.
It was also funny when I made it up.
- What? - I made that joke up.
- 什么？ - 这则笑话是我编的
Uh, oh, oh. No, you didn't. I did.
Uh, uh, oh. Yes, I did. I told Dan
and he said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.
Hey, tell Dan thanks.
I'm sorry. I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny.
抱歉 我在看下面那则笑话 那则很好笑
Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
摩妮卡 你记得 我跟你说过那则笑话吧？
- No. - Seriously?
- 不记得 - 真的不记得？
You tell a lot of jokes.
Look, it's my joke.
But if it makes you feel any better, they don't print the name.
So it doesn't really matter who gets credit.
- Hey, guys. - Joey, Playboy printed my joke!
- 大家好 - 乔伊《花花公子》登了我的笑话
No, it's mine! It's my joke. Call them! They'll tell you!
不 那是我的笑话 你打去问就知道
- My joke! - My joke!
- 那是我的笑话 - 是我的
You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?
Dude! You have got to turn on Behind The Music.
The band Heart is having a really tough time and they may break up.
Let's watch that at your place.
Monica's watching a show. I don't want to miss when they were skinny.
不行 摩妮卡在看烹饪节目 快点 我想看她们瘦的时候
Hey, Chandler. You know what we should do?
You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
What? No, I want to watch this.
- Did your cable go out? - No. No, that's VH1.
- 你的第四台断线了吗？ - 不是 那是VH1
I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today...
it's a lot of noise to me.
Why is your cable out?
Uh... Oh, because I haven't really paid the bill. Heh, heh.
If you need money, would you please let me loan you some money?
No, Chandler. Forget about it, okay?
不要 钱德 你别再说了
I know things have been tight since Janine moved out. God, was she hot.
我知道吉宁走后 我有点吃紧 天哪 她可真辣
- Whoa. - I know, yeah.
- 哇 - 就是啊
Look, I can handle it, all right? I can listen to the radio.
And Ross gave me this great book.
Want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
- Paid your phone bill? - Not so much.
- 电话费有缴吗？ - 没怎么在缴
- What are you doing? - We are looking at a Playboy.
- 你们在看什么？ - 我们在看《花花公子》
Do you think these pictures are trying to tell a story?
Sure. Like in the case of this young woman...
she has lost her clothes.
So she rides naked on the horse, she's crying out, "Where are they? Where are they?"
She's not gonna find them, lying in the grass like that.
Remember the days when you'd go out to the barn...
- lift up your shirt and bend over? - Yeah.
- 掀起衣服翘起屁股的日子？ - 对啊
You see, now, I would date this girl.
She's cute, she's outdoorsy.
And she knows how to build a fire. That'll come in handy.
If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
- I don't know. - Me neither.
- 不知道 - 我也不知道
You know, you forget how many great songs Heart had.
"Barracuda" was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
So you heard it, you repeated it...
so that must mean you wrote it.
Oh, you guys with this joke. Well, I gotta say...
I know I cracked up, but I'm not even sure I got it.
The doctor is a monkey.
And monkeys can't write out prescriptions.
You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
Well, I think the Hef would disagree.
Which is why he sent me a check...
So you stole my joke and you stole my money?
I was gonna stick it in the ATM.
But now I think I'll show the sexy teller...
that I am a published writer.
Well, she'll know that you stole the joke.
You gonna follow me down there?
- Yeah. - I'm not gonna go now.
- 没错 - 反正我现在又不去
- Here you go. - Oh.
- 帐单 - 哦
I can't pay for this now, because I'm not working.
I've had to cut down on some luxuries like...
paying for stuff, so...
Well, if you want, you can work here.
Uh, I don't know.
See, I was a regular on a soap opera, you know?
And to go from that to this, it's just...
And plus, I'd have to wait on all my friends.
Okay. But the money's good.
Plus, you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Maybe I could be a waiter.
Could I use the phone?
She tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
她想改口 但是很明显 她选瑞秋
He took my joke. He just took it.
This is wrong. You know what else is wrong?
Phoebe picking Rachel.
You know who else picked Rachel? Ross.
You know what else Ross did? He stole my joke.
I'm gonna get a joke journal, you know?
And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Good idea. Know what's a bad idea?
- Picking Rachel. - That's right.
- 选择瑞秋 - 没错
Did you hear something?
Maybe it's the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
It's coming from the living room.
I finished my book.
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
- 大家好 - 嘿
Don't you guys look cute.
You guys make a cute couple.
Monica, what are you doing?
Just trying to re-create some of the fun that we had at my place the other day.
Remember? When you picked Rachel over me?
That was funny. Ha, ha, ha.
- It was kind of funny. - It wasn't funny at all!
- 是蛮好玩的 - 一点也不好玩
Why would you do that?
Why didn't you pick me?
The reason I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you...
is just, you know, you're...
high maintenance. Let's go to lunch.
That is completely untrue.
You think I'm high maintenance? Prove it.
You write out a list, and we'll go through it point by point.
No, you're right, you're easygoing.
You're just not as easygoing as Rachel. She's just more...
flexible and mellow. That's all.
圆滑 比较成熟 就这样
Well, people are different.
Yeah, Rachel will do whatever you want. You can just walk all over her.
What? Are you saying, that I'm a pushover? I'm not a pushover.
Oh, okay. You're not a pushover.
You think I'm a pushover. Well, watch this.
You're not invited to lunch!
What do you think? I think that's pretty strong.
Come on, Monica, let's go to lunch.
You start working on that list.
- I cannot believe her. - I know. Where do you want to eat?
- 她真是太扯了 - 就是啊 你想吃什么？
Oh... Oh, I love that Japanese place.
I'm sick of Japanese. Not going there.
- Wherever you want to go is cool. - All right.
- 那看你想去哪里 - 好吧
Yeah. Man, that Chandler cracks me up.
Hey, Ross, you want anything to drink? I'm heading up there.
- Yeah. I'll take a coffee. Thanks. - Sure.
- 要 我要咖啡 谢谢 - 不客气
- Coffee? - No.
- 咖啡？ - 不要
Coffee? I'm going up there.
- No. - No, thank you.
- 不用了 - 不了 谢谢
You need anything? I'm heading up there.
I'd love ice water.
Joey, what are you doing?
Just being friendly.
Joey, you're not supposed to go back there.
No, it's okay. Right, Gunther?
没关系啦 对吧 阿甘？
And put on your apron.
I don't see you asking other paying customers to put on aprons.
- Joey, do you work here? - No.
- 乔伊 你在这里打工吗？ - 没有
- Waiter. - Yeah!
- 服务生 - 什么事？
Joey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell us you work here?
It's kind of embarrassing. I mean, I was an actor, now I'm a waiter.
这件事蛮尴尬的 我之前是演员 现在是服务生
It's supposed to go in the other direction.
So's your apron. You're wearing it like a cape.
I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know?
I guess if I'm hanging out here, I might as well get paid for it. Right?
I just feel kind of weird serving you guys, you know?
Come on, I did it and it was fine.
乔伊 我也做过 还好啊
Why would it be weird?
Hey, Joey? Can I get some coffee?
Okay. It doesn't seem that weird.
Seriously, I asked before. You still haven't gotten it.
See, now it's weird again.
I think it's great. You're gonna make a lot of money. Here's your first tip.
你来这里工作是好事 你会赚大钱 先给你一个忠告
Don't eat yellow snow. Ha, ha, ha.
2: 15, coffeehouse.
This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass my wisdom to.
Let me tell you some things I learned working at the coffeehouse.
First, the customer is always right.
A smile goes a long way.
And if anyone is ever rude to you, sneeze muffin.
Hey, look, you guys are just terrific, you know?
How about clearing out so I can get some new customers, huh?
It's all about turnover.
Seriously, can I get my coffee?
I'm sorry, Ross. I'll get it right now.
And since you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin.
Phoebe, we'd like to talk to you.
So, maybe I am a little high maintenance.
And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover.
But you know what we decided you are?
We are sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
很抱歉这么说 但是你 菲比 是个怪人
That's true, I am flaky.
So, what, you're just okay with being flaky?
Then I'm okay with being high maintenance.
Yeah. And I am okay with being a pushover.
That's great. Good for you guys.
- I am not high maintenance! - I am not a pushover!
- 我才不难搞 - 我才不会没个性
- Who said you were? - You did!
- 谁说你们是了？ - 你啊
I'm flaky. I'll say anything.
Can you cover for me? I got an audition.
No, I'm leaving to get my hair dyed.
Really? I like your natural color.
It's a great part. Check it out. I'm the lead guy's best friend.
拜托啦 这是个好角色 我演男主角的死党
I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen.
"I'm sorry, that seat's saved."
- That's the whole part? - Okay, maybe he's not his best friend, but...
- 就这样？ - 或许不是他的死党 但是...
Okay, I'll see you in an hour.
I could totally get that part. "I'm sorry, this seat is taken."
我绝对能拿到那个角色 "抱歉 这个位子有人坐"
- Excuse me. - No, I didn't mean you.
- 抱歉 - 不 我不是说你
But you believed me, huh?
I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
So you'd hire me, right?
Exactly! All right, everybody listen up!
The coffeehouse will be closed for about an hour.
It's for the kids.
Yeah, to keep the kids off drugs.
Yeah. It's a very important issue in this month's Playboy.
I'm sure you all read about it.
- It's my joke. - It's my joke.
- 那是我的笑话 - 是我的
I don't think we're gonna settle this.
- No. Let's have Monica decide. - Yeah.
- 让摩妮卡决定吧 - 好
- Hey, Mon! - Mon, get out here!
- 小妹 - 亲爱的 出来下
- Monica? - Okay.
- 摩妮卡 - 好
You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Why do I have to?
- You're the only one that can be fair. - Yeah.
- 因为你才能客观公正 - 是啊
I can't be. You're my boyfriend.
But I'm your brother. We're family.
That's the most important thing in the world.
Don't try to sway her.
I'm your only chance to have a baby.
- Okay, let's go. - All right.
- 我们开始吧 - 好
We'll each tell you how we came up with the joke...
then you decide which one of us is telling the truth. Me.
Chandler, you go first.
I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
好 我是2个月前 跟史提夫吃饭时想到的
- Did I meet him at Christmas? - Can I finish my story?
- 就是圣诞节那家伙吗？ - 让我说完好吗？
Do you want me to pick you?
See, I would never snap at you like that.
- Continue. - Okay.
- 请继续 - 好
Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And his doctor's name is Dr. Mompey.
I said, "Dr. Monkey?" And that is how the whole Dr. Monkey thing came up.
Okay, look, I study evolution.
Plus, I'm a doctor. And...
- I'm not arguing with that. - All right.
- 这点我不跟你争 - 好
I've heard enough. I've made my decision.
- Oh! - Okay, so what...? Do tell.
- 哦 - 好 请说
You are both idiots.
The joke is not funny, and it's offensive to women.
And doctors. And monkeys.
You shouldn't argue over who gets credit.
You should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world.
- It's your joke. - It is not.
- 那是你的笑话 - 才不是
- Oh, my God, Chandler, there you are. - Hi.
- 钱德 你在这里 - 嘿
Hey, it's Phoebe and Rachel.
Why don't you tell them...
what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance.
Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady.
Being with her has been like being on a vacation.
And what may be perceived as high maintenance...
is merely attention to detail...
generosity of spirit.
Wow. You know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever heard.
Really? I've heard better.
Wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
等等 那是他自己说的 你告诉她们
I'm out of words. Should I say it again?
Look, I am not high maintenance!
I am not. Chandler!
You're high maintenance.
You are on my list!
Look, I'm sorry, but you're not...
You're not easygoing, but you're passionate.
And when you get upset about little things, I think I'm pretty good...
at making you feel better about that.
That's good too. They say you're high maintenance...
but it's okay, because I like...
I didn't even tell him to say that.
- All right, you're off my list. - I'm off the list.
- 你从黑名单除名了 - 我除名了
It's okay that you don't want me to be your girlfriend.
Because I have the best boyfriend.
You know, suddenly I find you very attractive.
How'd the audition go?
I didn't get the part. And I lost my job here, so...
我没拿到那个角色 这里的工作也没了 所以...
Wow, that is a bad audition.
Well, how did you lose your job here?
I had the audition...
but Gunther said I had to stay so he could get his hair dyed.
So I went anyway, and he fired me.
He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand...
and left you in charge when you've been here two days?
What are you gonna do?
Joey, you can't let him get away with that.
I won't let him get away with that. I'm gonna say something to him...
I really shouldn't say anything. No, I should say something to him!
不 我不该多事 不 我要去教训他
Gunther? I want you to give Joey his job back.
- That is really not fair that you have to fire him... - Okay.
- 你这样解雇他很不... - 好
- What? - He can have his job back.
- 什么？ - 他可以继续工作
That's right, he can have his job back.
Glad we got that all straightened out.
There you go, Joey.
- Got your job back. - That's great. Thanks, Rach.
- 你可以继续工作了 - 太好了 谢谢你 瑞秋
Pretty nice, huh? Now who's a pushover?
- Rach, you're in my seat. - I'm sorry.
- 瑞秋 你坐到我的位子了 - 抱歉
Hey, I never got to hear who you'd pick to be your girlfriend.
- I'd pick you, Phoebe. - Yeah, definitely you, Pheebs.
- 我选你 - 没错 绝对是你
Yeah, I kind of thought.
- Never. - It would totally be you.
- 没错 - 绝对是你
A question: If you had to pick one of the other two to go out with...
我有个问题 如果你们 要找其中个人当男朋友
who would you pick?
- No way. - I'm not answering.
- 少来 - 我拒绝回答
No way, I'm not answering that.