Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
I don't know-- some time tomorrow morning.
Don't you want to know for sure?
As soon as she flies into California airspace,
I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.
It's so nice both of your moms are coming in
to see you guys get an award.
Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won
since I beat out my twin sister
for the "Did it on the potty" trophy.
How does this look?
Aw, it's so nice. She's gonna love it.
Sure, his mom gets roses.
When I want them,
they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."
You act like I didn't get you
that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms
for two or three magical years.
You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship.
Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
If you could run out and get a PhD,
that might make her like you.
Really? It didn't work for you.
Do you think the moms will get along?
Uh, I don't know. They're pretty different.
Maybe they'll be best friends.
One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple.
Shelly, I'm so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.
Oh, thank you, Mother.
I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard
for me to understand.
Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually.
It describes a new model of the universe
that conceptualizes it as the surface
of an n-dimensional superfluid.
You can believe that,
but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
What did they feed the lions, Mother?
The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
Listen, Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist
and woman of science.
Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself
Are you ashamed of me?
Of course not. I love you.
I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
Well, I love you, too.
My little bowl of lion chow.
So, have you and Penny set a wedding date?
No, we're kind of taking it slow.
What does that mean?
You've been on and off with this woman for seven years
and engaged for one year.
One has to wonder if there's a problem.
Are you having satisfactory intercourse?
Only satisfactory. I see.
I change my answer.
It-it's amazing. It's hot.
We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Seems odd to try and impress your mother
with your sexual prowess.
But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.
See, this right here, what you're doing,
can you please not do that around Sheldon's mom?
Why? Are you attracted to her, too?
She's-she's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady,
and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Leonard, I'm an adult.
I know how to conduct myself around people
from different walks of life.
Where is she from again?
Hey, look who's here.
Oh, Dr. Hofstadter, it's so good to see you again.
I read your paper; it was very impressive.
We just spent two hours in traffic.
Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?
Of course I did, but it's a mother's job
to make sure her child's self-esteem
is not dependent on anyone's approval.
That's so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.
Dr. Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.
So nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too. How was your flight?
Very pleasant. And yours?
Lovely. Almost as if someone--
not saying who-- was watching over the plane.
You're kidding, right?
Subtle, Mom, real subtle.
We talked about this.
I don't mind you still living here,
but we got to have some rules.
And rule number one is pants.
You must be very proud of your son.
He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
Oh, you mean this son.
Uh, sure, he's terrific.
Uh, Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out
to support our hypothesis?
Uh, you mean, my hypothesis.
I hypothesized it all by myself.
Mary, I'm curious.
When did you first realize
that your son had such a remarkable mind?
Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.
Well, I would have to say when he was 13
and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.
Ooh, this is a good one.
Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is
ever since he was a little boy,
he was always concerned with the well-being of others.
And he didn't think that it was fair
for people to pay for electricity,
so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Tell her about the uranium!
Tell her about the uranium.
Oh, this is adorable.
When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad,
I thought he was talking about Twinkies
from one of his friends.
'Cause I didn't have any friends.
It turns out that this little scallywag was trying
to use my Visa card to buy uranium
from an African warlord in the country of Chad!
Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
Oh, he was a handful.
I was a handful.
Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story
about how I made a Van de Graaff generator
out of our vacuum cleaner.
He broke the vacuum cleaner.
I mean, for a while, everything was vampires.
Now it's all zombies.
I wonder what the next monster fad will be.
We haven't had a good invisible man in a while.
Clearly, you've never seen me try to talk to a woman.
In the time you've been sitting here playing video games,
I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies
and went to the bank.
Okay, I don't know when I became
the mother to three lazy teenagers,
but it stops today.
You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom.
Hey, I don't even live here.
Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
And some of it's wool,
so dry flat if possible.
Oh, and here's a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.
You don't look very happy.
Well, I had just begun puberty.
It was figuratively and literally
one of the hairiest moments of my life.
Shelly does not like change.
But all the clenching in the world will not keep
testicles in your abdomen.
Hey, sorry, got caught up at work.
- Hi, Beverly! - Hello.
You remember my mother.
Oh, yes. Hi, Mary!
记得 你好吗 玛丽
Good to see you again, dear.
Ah, yeah, now that's what I'm talking about.
So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged.
Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.
Must have been very expensive.
Oh, no, not at all.
No, we, uh, found a place online
that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.
We did not. That's not true.
Can I speak to you alone for a second?
It came from Tiffany's.
You mean the box, right?
Really doesn't matter to me how much he spent on the ring.
Did I misspeak about the ring?
Yes, and we'll get back to that.
But, uh, even with your mother here,
you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom.
You're like one of those elephant seal pups
that steals the milk from two mothers!
Do you mean what marine biologists
refer to as "super weaning"?
Yes, you are a super weaner!
Well, now I have to correct you.
A-As a bit of an elephant seal buff,
the more accurate comparison
would be when two mother seals
actively seek to nourish the same pup.
So I believe the term you're looking for
is a double mother suckler.
Yeah, you're right.
That is the term I'm looking for.
You are a dirty double mother suckler!
Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out.
We're not in a rush.
We'll set a date when the time is right.
It doesn't matter, sweetie.
The moment a man lays with a woman,
they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
The bible is "uch" to you?
No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.
不 抱歉 我态度不对
As a psychiatrist,
I know how important people's superstitions can be to them.
You want to talk about superstitions?
Sheldon sent me the books you wrote--
all that nonsense about superegos and ids.
What bull dropped that on the barn floor?
His name is Sigmund Freud.
You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
At least the bearded man that I believe in
preaches love and compassion.
All yours talks about is
why you hold in your poop
and want to crawl back inside your mama.
How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon
come from someone like you?
You're not gonna like it.
When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church,
and I was praying to the Lord
to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy.
And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead
in the Subaru next to me nodding yes.
What is that supposed to mean?
I can't believe we're having this conversation.
Well, do it some more.
Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.
I hope we all stops hitting ourselves
and talk about something safe, you know,
like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.
Maybe it is not my fault that your mother likes me
better than she likes you!
Oh, don't flatter yourself!
She likes everybody better than she likes me!
How old is this Jell-O?
Well, it's carrots, so gonna say very.
Sorry we have to do this.
Bernadette's not wrong.
She does work hard around here.
Yeah, maybe it's a good thing
if she stops babying you so much.
She doesn't baby me.
I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
For your information,
I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.
Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to,
and that was not a healthy relationship.
to act like an adult in this marriage.
Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash.
Bernie, I made a mess!
I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you.
She has to or she goes to hell.
I can't help but notice
how her unconditional love for you
is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.
Well, you doled out affection
as a reward for achievement--
a proven way to raise a child.
But look how well you turned out.
I'd feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me?
Still, you need to consider
how successful Leonard's brother and sister are.
While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.
Do you suppose you would've flourished more
in a reward-based environment?
But my mom made me spaghetti
with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted,
Not once did my mother ever give me any love
or affection for just being myself;
I always had to earn it.
Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much.
In her own cold godless way.
Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love.
Of course, you already knew that
when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.
That's not what it is.
When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need
to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Well, come on now, she did kind of start it.
Doesn't matter; a good Christian would've turned the other cheek.
a good Texan would've shot her, so...
I just kind of split the difference.
Hey, who's in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?
I don't really feel I deserve it.
That was a big sticky mess,
but... I think I got it.
You cleaned it up all by yourself.
Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself.
Honestly, I don't know why you complain so...
Okay, maybe I missed one spot.
I'm so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.
And I respect your right to your beliefs.
And I will pray for you.
Okay, Mom, let's get you back to your hotel
before anyone says anything else.
There's something I need to say to you.
Oh, really? That's too bad.
Leonard, I always made you earn my affection,
but today I realize that
there's more than one way to raise a child.
I taught her that!
Therefore, I would like
to initiate a new protocol wherein I...
shower you with unconditional love.
When does that start?
It's okay, go ahead.
* It's a hard-knock life *
* 这艰难的生活 *
* It's the hard-knock life for us *
* 这是我们艰难的生活 *
* It's the hard-knock life for us *
* 这是我们艰难的生活 *
* 'Stead of treated, we get tricked *
* 善待不见 只剩哄骗 *
* 'Stead of kisses, we get kicked *
* 亲吻不得 屁股挨踹 *
* It's the hard-knock life *
* 这艰难的生活 *
* Got no folks to speak of so *
* 无人可诉 *
* It's the hard-knock row we hoe *
* 我们在这艰难的生活中煎熬 *
* Cotton blankets... 'stead of wool *
* 毛毯没有 棉毯凑 *
* Empty bellies... 'stead of full *
* 没饭可吃 肚子空 *
* It's a hard-knock life. *
* 这艰难的生活 *