Okay in Avatar when they have sex in Pandora
they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails
are like their junk.
So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds,
they also use their ponytails.
What's your point?
My point is, if I were a horse or a bird,
I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details
when there are more important things in the real world to worry about.
For example, why wasn't William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?
比如 威廉·夏特纳怎么没出演 新的《星际迷航》电影
Hey, Sheldon. I was up in the administration office,
and I happened to overhear the name of the winner
of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
And you want to rub my nose in the fact
that my contributions are being overlooked again?
I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.
All right, I'll play.
What self-important, preening fraud are they honoring this year?
他们今年选了哪个 自以为是 狂妄自大的骗子
Oh, I'm so glad you asked it like that. You.
- I won? - You won.
This is astonishing.
Not that I won the award-- no one deserves it more.
Actually, I guess I misspoke. It's not astonishing; more like inevitable.
其实 我说错了 根本不意外 得奖是意料中的事
I'm not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother.
Wait! I know-- I'm going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.
我知道啦 做个自访 然后放到网上去
Well, good for him.
Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner
of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost.
Didn't it look like that spear was going to go right through your skull?
Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don't get glasses.
Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me.
Wait, wait. Hang on-- flaming arrow.
Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir?
Yes, I was expecting your call. Three years ago.
对 我在等你的电话 三年前就开始了
Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech?
And if I don't want to forfeit the award?
Well, you've got that tied up in a neat little bow.
好 您现在是箭在弦上 不得不发
They expect me to give a speech at the banquet.
I can't give a speech.
Well, no, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time.
不 你弄错了 你一直都滔滔不绝
What you can't do is shut up.
Yeah, before the movie,
you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown.
It turned brown while you were talking.
I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups.
I cannot speak to large crowds.
What, to you, is a large crowd?
Any group big enough to trample me to death.
General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Brought you a cheesecake from work.
You know, 'cause of your award,
not because a busboy sneezed on it.
- I'm not accepting the award. - Why not?
Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.
That's no reason to back out.
You know, I once got a pretty big honor in high school,
and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd,
but I went through with it, and you know what?
The world looked pretty darn good
sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150
as a member of the Corn Queen's court.
Yeah, I'll bear that in mind
if I'm ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.
Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
Let me tell you a story.
Where's 70 children when you need them?
I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college.
我14岁时以Summa cum laude的成绩从大学毕业
"Summa cum laude" is Latin for "with highest honors."
Summa cum laude在拉丁语里是指最高荣誉
I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
I was valedictorian and expected to give an address.
Even now, I can remember that moment
when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd.
There must have been thousands of people.
My heart started pounding in my chest.
I began to hyperventilate.
My vision became blurry, and before I knew it...
Sheldon, are you okay?
You know why I can't accept the award.
With all due respect, I don't think praying will help.
No, I have not heard the song, "Jesus, Take the Wheel."
没 我没听过那首 "主啊 请掌控这命运之轮"
No, no... You don't need to start singing it.
Yes, I'll buy it on the iTunes, Mother.
好 我会在iTunes上下载的 妈妈
Sit down. We want to talk to you.
Did my mother call you?
We think we can help you with your stage fright.
I haven't figured out a way, and I'm much smarter than all of you.
Yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together.
Oh, I'm sorry. That is what I meant.
Okay. Your problem is, you're trying to do this all by yourself.
好吧 你的问题是 你想孤军奋战
We can help you. We can be your team.
Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.
I do like the X-Men.
Did I see X-Men?
Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.
看过啊 我们上周才看的 你还说你喜欢呢
Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie.
So, how about it, Sheldon?
If you're my X-Men, what are your powers?
Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit.
这个 我会带你去购物 帮你选一套超赞的西装
Might give you more confidence.
That's not exactly a mutation that would get you
into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters,
I thought I could try to analyze you
and get to the root of your anxiety.
What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist,
and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me
of breast-feeding codependently.
Raj says he can teach you...
What did you call it?
I don't know-- some Indian meditation crap.
I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low,
明白了 由于前三位的水准 都严重不靠谱
you're saving the most impressive contribution for last.
Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.
说吧 霍华德 惊我一下
My power is the ability to pretend
like I give a damn about your piddily-ass problems.
And that's 24-seven, buddy.
And I appreciate the pretense.
So, what do you say, Sheldon?
Are we your X-Men?
The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier.
Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Oh, that's not a good name.
Okay, Sheldon. I'm going to be leading you
好了 谢尔顿 我将引导你进行
through a series of meditation exercises.
These methods come from the ancient gurus of India
and have helped me overcome my own fears.
And yet, you can't speak to women.
True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay
确实 不过托冥想的福 我可以和女人
in the same room with them without urinating.
Now... close your eyes.
Okay, but don't punch me.
When I was little, my sister would say to me,
"Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise,"
and then she'd punch me.
I'm not going to punch you.
That's what my sister used to say.
Do you want to do this or not?
I'm sorry. Proceed.
Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home.
More specifically, the Sim City I designed--
Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis.
Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers?
Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?
I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Fine. You're in Sheldon Square.
Really? This time of year?
Then, put on a sweater.
Suppose I could run downtown
and pick up something at Shel-Mart.
Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it,
so I get a 15% discount.
You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter
by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
You've paid for a sweater, and you're in Sheldon Square.
It's a cardigan. I have to button it.
A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city.
I have to get my people to safety.
People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor.
If the children can't run, leave them behind.
Oh, the simulated horror!
Just as I suspected.
Meditation is nothing but hokum.
I question your premise.
How is a new suit going to prevent me
from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
It'll give you confidence.
You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out
about something, I go out and buy a cute top
or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed out person
你傻的啊 难道你没意识到 你只是换了皮囊 内压犹在啊
in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.
Now, let's see what we've got.
It's only one color.
That's a lot of money for only one color.
Why don't you pick out what you like.
This is pretty sharp.
I had a suit like this when I was six.
Okay, I think we have a winner.
Where the hell'd you find that?
In the prom department.
Says the former member of the Corn Queen's Court.
Please just try this one on.
Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison.
好吧 现在不管我穿啥 和之前的相比都只能相形见拙了
This is absurd. I look like a clown.
That's how you start a psychotherapy session?
"How am I doing?"
I was promised a riverboat journey
into the jungles of my subconscious.
Instead, I get the same question I hear
from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph's.
I'm sorry, I'll start again.
Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Um, I don't know, maybe.
I recently had a dream that I was a giant.
But everything around me was to scale,
so it all looked normal.
How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?
I was wearing size a million pants.
Why don't we just talk?
The talking cure. Classical Freudian. Good choice.
自由谈话疗法 经典精神分析疗法 不错
If it will help speed things along,
uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are:
A) a bat, B) a bat, c) a bat,
图A 蝙蝠 图B 蝙蝠 图C 蝙蝠
and D) my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.
Why don't I just start?
Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades
if, on a subconscious level, they don't feel they deserve them.
Do you think maybe that's what's happening here?
You're just going to try to recycle Adler's doctrine
of the inferiority complex?
I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph's.
And she'd let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.
But it could be part of your problem.
Let me give you an example.
I won a ribbon at the science fair
for my project, "Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music."
But my mother pointed out
that it was just a rehash of my brother's earlier
"Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock 'n' Roll."
I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.
And how did that make you feel?
I worked really hard on that project.
I stayed up all night singing the clown's aria from Pagliacci
to a lima bean sprout.
It wasn't my fault.
I had never seen my brother's project.
And my mother could've told me before
instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.
So, I hear you saying you're angry with your mother.
Damn right, I'm angry with my mother.
For God's sake, I was eight years old.
She humiliated me.
That's when the bed-wetting started again.
Thank you, Leonard.
If someone as damaged as you
can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning,
I think I can face a simple award ceremony.
Wait, that's it? I thought we had a whole hour!
等等 就这样吗 不是该有一整个小时的吗
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter,
女士们先生们 晚上好 我是莱纳德·霍夫斯塔德博士
and it is my very great honor to introduce
the winner of this year's Chancellor's award for Science
and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
I'd like to share with you a letter from Sheldon's mother,
who couldn't be here tonight.
Isn't that nice? His mother sent him a letter.
很温馨了 是吧 他妈妈给他写了封信
She's proud of him. I wonder what that feels like...
"Dear Shelly." that's what she calls him. Shelly-- it's a pet name.
亲爱的谢利 她都是这么叫他的 谢利 这是个昵称
You know what my mother's pet name for me is? Leonard.
You're surrounded by your C-Men.
I'm going to faint.
Here, drink this.It'll relax you.
给 喝点这个 能让你放松
- I don't drink alcohol. - Fine, faint.
-我不喝酒的 -好吧 那你晕吧
I don't feel different.This alcohol is defective.
Here, see if this one works.
First of all, the projects were totally different.
I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans
我的实验证明 培植青豆时 给它们放古典乐
and makes them grow, but my mother didn't hear me.
If you'd like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth,
I'd like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
女士们先生们 欢迎我们的贵宾 谢尔顿·库珀博士
Thanks, shorty, I'll take it from here.
All right, you people ready to have some fun?
You have a basic understanding of differential calculus
and at least one year of algebraic topology?
Well, then here come the jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side-- bazinga!
All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"
还有 一个中子走进家酒吧问道 酒多少钱一杯
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
酒保回答 你买吗 免费(无电荷)
I know you're out there.
I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.
Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience.
Dr. Randall from the geology department--
only man who's happy when they take his work for granite.
I kid the geologists, of course,
but it's only 'cause I have no respect for the field.
Let's get serious for a moment.
Why are we all here?
'Cause we're scientists.
And what do scientists study?
And what's the universe made of?
I am so glad you asked.
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium
有锑 砷 铝 硒
（[The Element's Song 化学元素周期表歌]）
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
有氢 氧 氮 铼
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium
还有镍 钕 镎 锗
And iron, americium
Ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium,
钌 铀 铕 锆
And lanthanum and osmium
And astatine and radium...
Would you be able to answer some questions
I'm having about the events of last night?
where are my pants?
You might want to check YouTube.
It's already loaded. Just hit play.
All right, people, let's get down to the math.
It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination.
Can I take my pants off over my head?
My body's in the way.
But if we had access to higher dimensions,
we could move our pants around our bodies
through the fourth dimension
and our days of dropping trousers would be over.
This couldn't be any more humiliating.
Now, for the astronomers in the audience,
get ready to see the dark side of the moon.
And here's Uranus.
还有天王星在此[Uranus 谐音your anus菊花]