I'm just gonna run to the store and get a few things.
I'll pick you up when you're done.
I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
I'm sorry, Uncle Tony's in the hospital.
Oh, dear, Mr. D'Onofrio's in the hospital.
Why do these things always happen to me?
I can cut it for you.
You're not Mr. D'Onofrio.
I get my hair cut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
You believe this guy?
Excuse us for a second.
Sheldon, it's okay, he can do it.
谢尔顿 没关系 他能行的
He's not a barber, he's the nephew.
He's an example of the kind of nepotism
that runs rampant in the barbering industry.
Besides, Mr. D'Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done
because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.
What are you talking about?
When I first moved here,
I was nervous about finding a new barber,
so my mother had all my haircut records
sent here to Mr. D'Onofrio.
There's no such thing as haircut records.
Have you ever seen them?
No, but my mother assured me they were sent here,
and I'll bet you dollars to donuts
that this one doesn't have them.
Do you have access to my haircut records?
To paraphrase T.S. Eliot,
this is the way the world ends--
这句改自他的作品《空心人》 原文为"世界就是这样告终的 不是砰的一声而是一声抽泣"
not with a bang but with a nephew.
Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional,
谢尔顿 你都是个大人了 他也是专业人士
and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946.
and let him do it.
Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork,
So my kid said the funniest thing today.
When you tell this story later,
the word we usually use is "quirky."
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Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?
What are you doing?
I'm trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
Lookie here, I got my travel orders.
"Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz is requested
to report to the NASA Johnson Space Center,
for astronaut training Monday 8:00 a.m."
Yeah, but it's from NASA, so it's 0800.
But it says "8:00 a.m."
You read it as "0800."
It doesn't have an "O" in front of it.
You know what does have an "oh" in front of it?
"Oh, my God, I'm an astronaut,
"哦 我的天 我现在是宇航员了"
and you're dying of jealousy."
So, what kind of things are they...?
Will you stop that?
I can't help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.
You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair.
I could do it for you.
Penny, I know you mean well,
offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um,
we don't churn our own butter,
we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks,
and, uh, we sure as shootin' don't get our hair cut
Sheldon, be nice.
I'm sorry, it's the bad boy attitude
that comes with this hair.
You could go to my guy.
He's at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills.
They bring you a cup of tea, they'll massage your scalp.
It's about $200, but sometimes you look in the next chair
and you see a superstar like Tony Danza.
Quick question here:
Have we actually changed the conversation
from "I'm going to astronaut training"
to "Sheldon can't get a haircut"?
Now who's dying of jealousy?
* I'm a cowboy *
* 我是牛仔 *
* On a steel horse I ride *
* 骑着一匹铁马 *
* Dead or alive *
* 亡命天涯 *
you're ruining girlfriend- boyfriend sing-along night.
I'm looking for a barber and I'm running out of time.
My hair is growing at the rate
of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond.
I mean, if you're quiet, you can hear it.
What about Supercuts?
They do men's and women's hair
in the same room at the same time.
It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
Well, this isn't a crisis.
Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
Why don't I let my hair grow out?
Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks
and seeking validation of my opinions by asking
"Can you dig it?"
Well, I don't know.
I think you might look sexy with long hair.
The kind that flows down to your shoulders
and blows back while riding on a horse.
Bareback and bare-chested.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth; it might take a while.
So tell me all about your first day.
Oh, wow, where do I even start?
I got to experience zero gravity.
Cool. How do they do that?
You get in this plane
that goes almost straight up for, like, 20 seconds,
and then straight back down like it's going to crash, and
they do it over and over again, you know,
no matter how many times you throw up.
Yeah...and the craziest part is,
because there's no gravity,
the throw-up kind of floats there...
and if your mouth is open
because you're screaming...
...sometimes it just floats right back in.
Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens.
That sounds mean.
Yeah, I would have laughed, too,
but I didn't want the vomit to come back out.
Oh, could you do me a favor
and overnight me some more underwear?
I got a look at the centrifuge
they're going to spin me around in tomorrow,
and I have a hunch I packed a little light.
They didn't have anything barber-themed in the gift shop,
so I got you this.
I don't know if you can read his little T-shirt.
It says, um, "Get well bear-y soon."
Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now,
you'd be laughing.
There's new studies that show, people in comas
are aware of everything going on around them.
With that in mind, if you can hear me,
move away from the light
and toward the sound of these scissors.
Can I help you?
Do you have something I could use as a cape?
Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills,
slip out of the ninth floor,
and go on a little adventure?
I'm just here to get my hair cut.
J-Jus-Just wait here one moment.
But not with scissors -- that would be unsafe.
So, if I move my horsey here...
...isn't that checkmate and I win?
Well, is it or isn't it?
You know, I think this is a good stopping point.
Uh, it's your first real game.
I threw a lot of information at you.
I mean, your king is trapped.
He can't go here because of my lighthouse,
he can't go here because of my pointy-head guy.
Like I said, complicated game.
So did I win or not?
Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner.
That's, that-that's what chess is all about.
- Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move. - Eh, why?
-抱歉 谢尔顿 我这就挪开 -何必呢
My spot, your spot-- what difference does it make?
我的位置 你的位置 有区别吗
Okay, what just happened?
Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer
and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot,
I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug,
and changed the course of human events.
Uh, sweetie, are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut
and nothing horrible has happened.
Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Leonard, explain it to her.
Oh, uh, he's crazy.
I have spent my whole life
trying to bring order to the universe
by carefully planning every moment of every day.
But all my efforts--
our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation,
my bowel movement spreadsheet--
I've been wasting my time.
Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
You know, Sh-Sheldon,
sometimes it's nice not knowing what's coming.
I mean, look at me and Leonard.
We went out, we broke up, now we're trying again.
我们约会 分手 现在又试着复合
We don't know what's gonna happen.
Oh, please, everyone knows what's going to happen.
But I see your point.
I think this could be good for you.
Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.
I should embrace the chaos.
What are you going to do first?
I could do anything.
All bets are off.
The world is my oyster.
I'm going to put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.
I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about him.
If I were you, I'd be worried that a girl
who's never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.
Howie, what happened to you?
We did overnight survival training in the wilderness.
I was gonna freshen up for you
but I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom.
Is that like camping?
Except you don't have food or water,
and they don't have a sunset Sabbath service
like they do at Camp Hess-Kramer.
Do you sleep in tents?
I slept in a hole
I dug in the ground with my bare hands.
And at some point during the night,
an armadillo crawled in
I wasn't sure I was going to when the sandstorm hit.
I just pulled my turtleneck up over my head
and waited for death.
But somehow as I sat there,
wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck-sweat,
I found that primal part of the human spirit
that just wants to keep on living,
no matter what the cost.
I ate a butterfly.
but I was so hungry.
No, I don't think it's possible.
I'm severely dehydrated.
My pee is like toothpaste.
Howie, if you're not able to do this, come home.
华仔 如果你坚持不住 就回家吧
It won't change how I feel about you.
Thanks, honey, but I can't quit.
谢了 亲爱的 但我不能放弃
If I do, I'll just be a guy
who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
Well, is there anything I could do to help?
Wait. Send more underwear.
Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
Please don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos?
Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.
Sheldon, it's 3:00 o'clock in the morning.
3:00 in the morning
is a good time for bongos.
Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.
Leonard no sleep while I play bongos.
Stop! Stop! Stop it!
Penny, guess what?
Sheldon got bongos.
Why did you get bongos?
Richard Feynman played the bongos.
I thought I'd give that a try.
Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Oh, Leonard, it's 3:00 o'clock in the morning.
I don't care if Richard Feynman
was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.
Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun.
Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.
Sheldon, go to bed.
You have work in the morning.
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.
No, no, hang on, uh, uh,
or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.
We are living in a world of chaos.
Wherever the music takes me, kitten.
I play bongos walking down the stairs.
Never play bongos walking down the stairs.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to help you get through this.
You can't do it on your own,
you need someone to take care of you.
Oh, I love you so much.
Howard, your bath is getting cold!
Don't worry, once she falls asleep,
I'll spoon you like an armadillo.
He showed up in the middle of the night with his bongos.
I foolishly thought it was some sort of musical booty call.
He must have been exhausted.
Sheldon like to sleep while Leonard play the bongo!
That was kind of uncalled for.
No, it was called for.
All right, Sheldon,
this craziness has gone on long enough.
Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Penny, you're not trained.
You're not licensed.
Most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
All right, honey, look,
we've known each other for a long time now, right?
I've taken you to Disneyland,
I kicked a bully in the nuts for you,
I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick,
you've even saw me naked once.
It was a long story.
Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing.
Please let me cut your hair.
Amy, what do you think?
There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.
There's only so many times a woman can say,
"How about the bed?"
What's this about Sheldon seeing you naked?
Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.
At the end of the haircut,
Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.
That's okay, I never understood them anyway.
Okay, what do you think?
it's a little Hollywood.
But I think I can pull it off.
Well done, Penny.
Okay, I'm just gonna clean up your neck a little
- and then you are good to go. - Fun time.
Sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Okay, yep, we're all done now.
It's just... it's good.
Let me just take that away from you.
- Okay. - Thank you very much.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to move.