What's the most irritating thing my parents say to me?
"That's too much cologne."
"That's how girls end up dead."
"Don't talk black to me."
"It's inappropriate because she's your teacher."
How do you even talk black?
End words with "Izzle"?
It's "Talk back," You idiot.
"Act more like an adult."
What does "Act more like an adult" even mean?
Look at you, you're soaked! That is so lame.
看看你 都湿透了 逊死了
You're the one who wanted to do it!
What are you two doing?
Oh, I picked up one of those Water Weasels.
You hook it on the end
of the hose and it flies around in the air.
Just like a weasel.
Yeah. Look at how awesome. He's so wet.
I put the weasel in my pants.
- He totally did. - Dork!
Is there a reason why my window's wet?
- Hmm. Very difficult to say. - I don't know.
- Up top- Ow! Ow! - What's wrong?
- Little- - Sweetie, you okay?
-小 -亲爱的 你没事吧
Little twinge. Yeah.
Maybe the firemen will come.
- No, no! No, no! - Give me it!
The firemen in our town have a reputation for being hot.
Of course not. These guys are my friends.
I play basketball with them. I bake for 'em.
My question is: What's hot?
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Manny, it's inappropriate because it's your teacher.
What's the big deal anyway?
It's a surprise. You'll see.
- Ay, Jay, you didn't? - Yes, I did.
-杰 不是吧你 -就是我
I got us into that new Benihana.
They got a chef there that can flip a shrimp into his own hat.
- Dad! - There's my boy!
- The hell is he doing here? - Jay.
No. He was supposed to pick up manny yesterday
and disappointed him again, as usual.
Now he just sails in here out of the blue?
I don't like the guy. Do I have reasons? Yeah.
我不喜欢那家伙 理由嘛 当然有
Good reasons? Yeah.
How many reasons do I need?
None. I don't like the guy.
So I would have called,
but while I was buying this boat for a friend,
I got chased out to sea by another boat "Tiqui tiqui".
Were they pirates?
- I didn't stop to ask. - Well, it's not hard to tell.
Did they have curvy swords and
sing songs about how fun it is to be a pirate?
Jay. Such a beautiful house, huh?
So, we were just headed out to dinner.
What, you think I show up empty-handed?
I brought dinner- lobsters!
- Did you catch them with your bare hands? - No.
But I bought them with my bare hands.
And I have some nice wine, a good Cuban cigar for Jay.
Hey, why don't you take a picture of him with your new camera phone.
- I don't have a camera phone. - You do now.
All of this excitement, my heart is just going.
You bring that with you when you come visit me this summer.
We'll go in a race car with my friend,
and after that, maybe a bullfight.
I know all these guys.
The matadors, they're like artists.
You're quite the bullfight artist yourself.
I, uh- Manny, why don't you show your father to the kitchen?
Por favor. Dios mo. Someone put on some music.
谢了 天啊 来点音乐吧
Tonight, we dance!
Oh, we're gonna dance.
Oye, mi amor, est bien que me quede aqu esta noche?
Ay, Javier, yo no s. Esprate para ver qu puedo hacer.
哈维尔 我不知道 我看看吧
What did he say? Does he need money for the lobsters?
- Jay, be nice. - "Be nice."
-杰 友好点 -"友好"
I could be sitting grill-side,
watching a guy build an onion volcano.
Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen,
and I got a stolen boat in my driveway.
If it was for me, he'd be out of my life.
But it's good for Manny to be with his father.
I just can't believe you ever fell for that act.
Colombians can be very persuasive.
They can make you agree to things before you even know it.
You must have been pretty naive.
Yeah. But now I'm with the right man, okay?
Javier is only going to stay one night.
Don't be mad. I just got up to change her.
Well, Mitchell really wanted to Ferberize the baby.
Ferberize. It is a method of
getting the baby to sleep through the night...
by, yes, basically letting her cry herself to sleep.
It's not torture, Cam.
It's just hard if you happen to be a person
who hates to hear another person suffer.
Or two people suffer.
No, no. You got up to comfort her,
which only teaches her that every time she cries,
her daddy will come in and cuddle her and put on her favorite-
What are we watching?
Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece
She happens to like it.
I don't know if it's the colors or the sounds-
Oh, here comes the nightclub massacre. She loves it.
Watch her little eyelids.
It's so cute. They get so heavy.
- Oh, honey. - I'm fine. No, I'm fine.
-亲爱的 -我没事 真没事
I'm just- Okay, that's cancer.
我只是 好吧 是癌症
Maybe it's just a kidney stone.
What's going on, guys?
It's nothing. Go back to bed.
- No, but Dad... - Don't touch me.
-不 爸爸 -别碰我
I bet it's just a kidney stone.
Someone get your mom a glass of water...
and a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.
Why is everybody yelling?
Something's wrong with Dad.
Don't frighten him. Come here.
Oh, that's gotta be death! Death is coming!
- Okay, you need to go to the hospital. - Yeah.
No, no, no. I just need a pill.
Give me the biggest one you can find.
Honey, breathe. Just-Just breathe.
亲爱的 深呼吸 深呼吸就行了
That's what I told you when youwere in labor
and you threw my smoothie at me. Pill!
- Okay, I'm calling. - No, no, it's fine!
-我去打电话 -真不用 没事
It's actually- It's fine. It's passing. It's passing.
没事 过去了 疼痛已经过去了
I am sorry to alarm everyone.
I think I was probably just overreacting,
because there's an alien inside of me!
- Oh, close it down. - I am definitely gonna call.
All systems down. All systems down.
- Son of a bitch. - What's the matter?
He's playing on my pool table, that's what.
Probably got himself a nice drink too.
Where you going, Jay?
- Just to check things out, okay? - Come on.
You hear that? Now he's messing around with my remote control.
You can't hear that from here!
Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?
杰 对不起 吵醒你了吗
No. No, I'm a light sleeper.
- That's what happens when you get older. - Oh, you're not old.
I didn't say I was old.
I never sleep much anyway.
Life is just more interesting after 2:00 A.M.
You know, the liquor tastes better,
the, uh, women are more beautiful.
What is it they say?
That the night belongs to the poets and the madmen.
- Which are you? - Perhaps both.
And I think maybe you too, huh?
I see a picture over here of you on a motorcycle.
- You ride? - I used to.
the saddest words in any language, my friend.
Hey, help me out here.
Everybody sees you as this great guy.
You know, you live this life of adventure.
How come I don't buy a word of it?
All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.
Hey, Manny knows me. I live in the now.
Well, I was living in the yesterday
when Manny was crying outside that door...
cause you didn't show up for the 10th time.
And when I don't come, you think,
uh- what, I'm just off chasing a good time, hmm?
You ever think it might be hard for me, coming here?
Why? Because of Gloria?
Okay, they're on their way.
Okay, kids, gather around.
Like you're hugging me, but don't touch me, okay?
Now look, I'm gonna be fine.
We don't know that.
It's a miracle I'm standing up.
But look, in case anything happens-
I want you to know that if I'd had time,
I would have fixed that step.
- Thanks, Dad. - I love you.
-爸爸 谢谢你 -我爱你
Don't cry, Luke. I'm okay.
卢克 别哭 我没事
I broke the coffee table!
I broke the glass coffee table.
The one you swore you didn't break,
and then we blamed Esperanza and fired her...
and she stole a turkey at Thanksgiving for her family
and got deported?
- Yeah. - Damn it!
- I'm sorry. - You will be sorry!
- They're here! - Really?
Hey, you changed your clothes.
Well, I had- I had to get dressed.
Into that sexy, clingy-
Oh, my God. It's the firemen.
I'm out here convulsing in agony
and you're looking for cute tops to wear?
I just threw on the first thing I could find.
We got a minute, if you wanna try on some tighter jeans-
Oh, Phil, sweetie.
Oh, no. By all means, Claire,
不 不管怎么说 克莱尔
we want you looking your sexiest...
when the hunky, gay firemen get here!
- How we doing? - We're great.
- He meant me! - All right.
No, listen, Jay. You're a tough guy to compete with.
听我说 杰 你是个强劲的对手
I mean, look at all you have.
So Manny has to suffer?
Look, I'm going to try harder.
But maybe it's a good thing that he has the two of us.
From you, he learns stability.
From me, he learns how to be spontaneous,
grab life by the throat.
Well, we do a little throat grabbing ourselves around here, you know.
We were on our way to Benihana when you showed up.
Hey, as long as my boy follows his passion.
The worst career decision I ever made
was playing baseball, but I loved every minute of it.
You played baseball?
I only made it to Triple-A,
but I played with all those guys- Sosa, McGwire.
You look like you played some.
I played in high school.
I was all right. Never hit a curve ball.
So that's a dream of yours?
To- To hit a curve?
"Used to be." Por favor.
I said that again, right?
Hey, please. Come on.
You're right, I shouldn't say that.
What are you guys doing?
Manny, did we wake you up? I'm sorry.
曼尼 吵醒你了吗 真抱歉
No. I was doing my science extra credit.
- Of course you were. - So, can I play?
That's up to your dad.
Actually, I think we're done with pool for right now.
I have a better idea for the three of us. Vamos.
So, how do you know this guy?
He owes me a little favor.
This is the coolest night ever!
Now, let's see about that curve ball.
- Out. - I thought you were-
Those were pillows. Come on. Come on.
那是枕头堆的 出去 快出去
Cameron, do you realize how infuriating this is?
The whole point of Ferberizing...
is to teach her to put herself to sleep,
and you keep ruining it.
I can't help it. I'm like a mother bear.
When I hear my cub crying, I have to run to her.
Except you're not a bear. Get in our room.
Get- Cam, get in there. Get in there.
回 小卡 回屋 回屋
- Cut it out. - All the way- Our room.
-别闹了 -快点 回屋去
Get! Get in there.
Come on. Come on. Get in there. Get!
快走 快走 进去 进去
That's so unfair. Why not?
Because that's how girls end up dead.
- Hey, honey. - Hey, guys.
We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Is this a bad time?
No, we're just giving him something to relax before the procedure.
Which is gonna go just fine.
- Oh, we know. - We don't know.
In case it doesn't,
promise me you'll be nice to your new fireman daddy.
My wife got dressed up for the firemen last night.
I didn't get dressed up for the firemen.
Those heels were really hot.
- You put on heels? - Let's drop it.
What are they doing to you, Dad?
I have a little scratchy rock inside of me
and they're sliding in a tube and sucking it out.
You're not scared, are you?
When was the last time you saw your old man scared?
When you walked through the spiderweb.
When we were playing with the Ouija board
and the wind blew the door shut.
There was no wind, buddy. We brought something forth.
绝不是风 伙计 是我们招来的灵物
Oh. This stuff's really hitting me.
My insides feel like velvet.
Why don't you guys wait out in the hallway, okay?
- Feel better, Dad. - I will.
-老爸 快好起来 -会的
- Love you, Dad. - Love you.
-我爱你 老爸 -我也爱你
- Love you. - Luke, buddy, hold back a sec.
-爱你 -卢克 老弟 等会儿
This is not gonna happen, okay,
but there is a scenario
where you could be the man of the house...
and you need to know all the PIN numbers and passwords.
- 741 - I don't wanna be the man of the house.
Now, don't talk black to me.
Honey, your dad's gonna be fine.
Why don't you wait out in the hall. He'll be fine, okay?
去外面等我吧 他会没事的 好吗
Honey, I'm just gonna run them to school.
I'll be back right after.
- Okay. Claire? - Yeah.
-恩 克莱尔 -我在
You did get dressed up, didn't you?
I pulled on the first thing I saw, okay?
Okay, I'll drop it
'cause this stuff is making me fall asleep.
And if I never wake up, I'd hate
for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.
I might have gotten dressed up just a tiny bit.
- I knew it. - Oh, damn it!
Manny, we're gonna be late for school.
Why are you so tired today?
Any reason I can't take him?
I'm surprised you're up.
I know what time you went back to bed.
Oh, it was nothing. We just went out, we hit a few balls.
And you'll never guess where.
I guess Javier knew a guy.
Now that he knows you,
the next time he needs something, you are the guy.
Ay, Dios mo. Did you took him with you?
You couldn't wait to get to school to do that?
Manny, vamonos para el colegio.
Let's go. We're gonna be so late. Vamonos.
快走 今天迟大发了 快去学校
Vamos a llegar tardsimo, Manny,
qu te pasa? Get in the car.
I thought you said you wanted me to bond with Javier.
I said be nice, Jay.
I didn't say take Manny up all night and play games.
- Then we got hot dogs. - Ay. Go to sleep!
If I wanted to be married to a wild man,
I would have stayed with Javier.
- Dad! - Por dios, no.
-老爸 -我的天呐 不是吧
- You're not leaving, are you? - I've got school.
- What? School? - Yes, school.
-什么上学 -是的 上学
That's where people go to learn things,
like not to keep children up all night.
- He told her? - He's weak.
Well, listen, you said you used to like riding motorcycles, right?
听着 你说你曾经喜欢骑摩托车 对吧
So I brought you one.
- I know. But I kind of got work. - Work.
-我知道 但我得工作 -工作毛啊
- Go, Jay. - Yeah, go.
-上吧 杰 -对啊 上吧
Yes, go, Jay, and take Manny with you too!
对啊 杰 把曼尼也带上吧
No, Manuel Alberto!
In the car or I put you in the trunk!
Jay, I'm not gonna argue anymore.
I'm not gonna say anything else. Do whatever you want.
But I don't wanna hear you any more saying that Colombians are crazy,
'cause you're the one that is acting crazy,
even though he's the one that is making you act crazy.
So I don't know what the hell I'm talking about! Manny!
You didn't need to come home during nap time.
Think we proved last night that I did.
Well, she's back there now, so why don't you go,
好吧 她就在后面 你走吧
so you don't get in trouble.
That's okay. I told everyone
that I have an unreliable partner,
and, uh, they understood.
You know what? I don't need to sit here and be condescended to.
I'm gonna make myself an ice tea.
I will bring you down.
You can't bring me down.
I'll sweep your legs.
There's something wrong with you...
that the sound of our child in such distress
doesn't bother you more.
She's not in distress,
and this just proves that you need this more than she does.
I'm Ferberizing two babies.
Raccoons slipped into the lawsons' home
and stole a loaf of bread.
That we left Lily's window open a crack,
and those raccoons need something to put between that bread,
and that is Lily's "Help me" Cry.
- I'm coming for you, Lily. - No, you're not.
-熊妈妈来救你了 莉莉 -你敢
You are not coming, Cameron.
Let me go! Hey, stop it!
让我去 嘿 你撒手
Let go! Get off me! What are you doing?
放开我 下来 你干什么
- Stop! - I will not stop.
Stop being such a baby. I'm coming for you!
- What? - Oh, my ankle.
Ay! I guess you didn't kill yourself in the motorcycle today.
Well, I figured you were looking forward to killing me,
so I'm not gonna take that away from you.
Hey, did Javier call you?
He's dragging me to this bar with some of his old baseball pals.
He was supposed to be here at 5:00.
- Ah, he's dragging you, huh? - Yeah.
I figured it would be okay.
I've seen half these guys play.
Javier says it's cool.
- What? What's the joke? - Nothing.
It's just funny to me... that you make fun of me
because I was seduced by him,
but here you are-
No one is getting seduced.
I'm doing this for Manny.
Yeah, it's very important for Manny
that you two go and have a nice picnic in the mountains.
First of all, it wasn't a picnic. We stopped for coffee.
首先 那不叫野餐 就喝了杯咖啡
They just happened to be selling crepes.
Listen. Let me know when he calls, all right?
听着 他打来知会我一声 好吗
Geez, it's almost 6:00.
The kids are so excited for you to come home.
Yeah, Luke made you a sign.
- Oh, he's a sweetie. - Yeah. You seem great.
- I am great. - Good.
Except for that fireman thing.
- You remember it? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, okay. Look, I am sorry. I'm so sorry. - Ah, no.
-好吧 对不起 -没事啦
There's no excuse for it.
I think I just spend so much time in dowdy mom clothes,
and I'm covered in paste and peanut butter,
and I just- I wanted to feel attractive for a second, you know?
I'm sorry. I really-
Honey, I just need a little bit of time.
- Gonna be fine. - Okay.
I was already fine with it.
Here's the deal: Claire messed up.
This never happens.
Old Phil has a golden ticket.
Now, I could have cashed that in right away for something small-
get out of cleaning the garage, a week at circus camp.
- Still fresh. - Yeah.
But the longer you hold on to it, the more the guilt builds,
the more you get.
Five years: Trip to Paris with my buddies.
Ten years: Sweet little convertible.
Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot...
你好啊 语言表达清晰 全功能的机器人
that can read my mind and has feelings.
Phil, you're not leaving without saying good-bye, are you?
- Is this your husband? - Uh-huh.
- Good-bye, Paris. - I'm visiting my sister...
-再见了 巴黎 -我来探望我姐姐
and he was entertaining us all afternoon with his card tricks.
- Is that Phil? - Hey.
Hey, Mom, Phil's leaving.
- Without a hug? - Wow.
Good-bye, fully articulating,
five-function robot with the ability to- Good-bye.
Brittany, hurry, honey. Phil's leaving.
布兰妮 快点宝贝儿 菲尔走了
- How's your ankle? - It's cold.
- I'm sorry I hurt you. - No. No, don't be. I-
-对不起害你受伤 -别 别这样
I could have just as easily hurt you.
Well, it's cute that you think that.
Listen, Cam, I- I can't always be the bad cop here.
听着 小卡 我不想一直唱白脸
I-I know it's my issue,
but she can't grow up with
one huggy, happy, cuddly dad...
and one frowny, lesson-teachy dad.
Because guess which one
she's gonna ask to walk her down the aisle.
Uh- Y- Okay, you know what?
I can be the bad cop sometimes.
I'll always make her eat her vegetables.
- Okay. Dentist. - Deal.
-行 看牙医也交给你 -成交
- Good. - As long as you make her practice her violin.
Oh, yeah. The violin. I like that.
对了 小提琴 我喜欢
And we're both walking her down the aisle.
Assuming you can walk by then.
Do you need to go to the hospital for that?
No, God. No, no. It's not that bad.
不了 妈呀 不了 没那么严重
Oh, you meant call 911, didn't you?
Yeah, you call, and I'm gonna change my shirt.
So, if I'm supposed to act like an adult,
is that act like adults I see in the world-
Or the adults in my family?
'Cause if it's the ones in my family-
- Come on. Let's go. - All right.
-走吧 回去吧 -好的
how hard could that be?
Doing the card tricks at the hospital
really got me fired up about my magic again.
Is this your card?
It's- It's not, is it?
No, uh, no. It's not.
The hardest part is when people forget their card,
because then I look like the idiot.
- All right. Let's do it again. - We really have to go.
-好吧 再玩一次 -我们真得走了
- You think I like this? - I'm sorry.
Here. I'm gonna teach you one, okay?
On the count of three, just grab this. You ready?
- Put your hand out. - Okay.
One, two, three. There it is.
一 二 三 走你
No. What was that?
Are you kidding me?