Today Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball...
and it hit another kid so hard his eye popped out.
Really? His eye popped out.
- Never mind. - Well, gotta hit the sack. Big Saturday tomorrow.
-算了 -钻被窝咯 明天周六大日子哎
That's right. It's somebody's birthday.
Not just that. The iPad comes out-
on my actual birthday.
It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say,
"We love you, Phil."
What is so great about that doohickey anyhow?
"Doohickey," Elly May?
It's a movie theater, a library and a music store...
电影院 图书馆 音乐商店
all rolled into one awesome pad.
A library is a place where people get books.
A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.
I better load the beach chair into the trunk.
I'm gonna need it for the line in the morning.
Wait, honey. Hang on.
You can't spend your birthday in line.
Well, not the whole day.
I have to be there at 6:00, you'll forget about it.
- Then I'm out by 10:00. - Why don't you let me do it?
Claire, you don't have to do that.
No, I know, but I want to.
And that way on your birthday
you'll wake up and you'll have your brand-new toy.
Well, in spite of you calling it a toy,
this is shaping up to top the best birthday I ever had.
Oh, thank God we don't have to hear that stupid story
- about that place... - It was called the Fun Zone.
I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage.
Then my best friend Jeff Sweeney stepped in
and took one in the groin.
I yelled out "Ball two!"
That was when I knew I was funny.
Are you sure there's not an "E-I" In the middle?
- No. It's "I-E." - Good, papi!
- 不 是I-E -好样滴 宝贝
If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
I don't think they're trying to fool me.
Wait until you see what I got Phil for his birthday.
I found it on the SkyMall catalog.
Ay. It's not one of those talking alarm clocks?
"It's 6:05. It's 6:25. Wake up. Wake up."
"6:05啦 6:25啦 醒醒啦醒醒啦"
Even better. A rosewood chess set.
As matter of fact, before I wrap this thing,
what say we take it for a spin?
Come on, Manny. I'll teach you.
He knows how to play. His father taught him.
I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version.
We actually use the pieces to play the game,
not smuggle stuff out of the country.
I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
Manny, come on. Let's see what you got.
You'll be surprised.
Manny's an excellent player, but Jay is a grumpy loser.
He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door,
输了就生闷气 吊脸子 还摔门
then he said he didn't slam the door.
It's better that he wins.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
- Cam! - Leave me alone.
There's a...there's a man in Lily's room.
There's a man in Lily's room!
It's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.
是我是我 别打 是我
We must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor.
Boy, if a spider would have broken in here,
he would have been in trouble.
Light-up barbecue tongs.
This was the lame gift I got Phil.
So, was I bummed to get up at 5:00 and wait in line?
No. No, because I was finally getting my husband
不 不会 我总算能给老公
something that he really, really wanted.
I was every bit as excited as he was.
I hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday.
Hey, what do you say we play again?
- I'm good. - That's the spirit.
Downloaded this for you.
It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.
No, Jay. I'm good.
不了 杰 我好得很
Nah, it's not all dry like that. They have fun with it.
See, you can color in the little players with your crayons.
Now you are making me want to play again.
Now we're lighting a fire. Let me toss this out.
If you beat me, if that day should ever come,
- I want your watch. - Wow, you had that loaded up.
-你那块表 -哟 早看上了啊
Now, I want you to go first.
Now remember, try to open up the middle of the board.
I'd have moved that guy two spaces.
And you don't want to bring your queen out that quickly.
See, now you could've protected that with that,
but now you're vulnerable-
- Checkmate. - Huh? What?
-将军 -哈? 什么
You will not believe what's going on
at Jake and Debbie's house.
-Who? -The people on the monitor. They must live nearby.
-谁 -和我们串线那家 肯定就住附近
Okay, Jake told Debbie that he had to work late.
So she called his boss
and found out that he didn't. Busted!
So she spent all morning on the phone
crying and crying and crying to her mother...
and said if Jake has to work "late" one more time,
she's filing for divorce.
That's it? I give you that tasty dish
and all you give me is a "Huh"?
I-I'm s- Cam, I froze last night.
I thought Lily was in danger and I froze.
But not you. No, you sprung right into action.
You even had the cool "It's go time" line.
That comes to me naturally. I spent a year as a crossing guard.
Cam, I mean, what kind of parent am I
if I can't even protect my own family, you know?
Just once I would love to be the guy with no fear...
who can stand up and, I don't know, you know, kick some ass.
站起来 该 该出手时就出手
You're so cute when you're angry with your little fists.
Just wanna put you in my pocket.
- He's coming? - Here he comes.
- Dad! - Happy birthday!
You guys! That's awesome.
- Oh, who are these from? - Cam and Mitchell.
Those guys are a class act.
We're making you breakfast.
French waffle cakes.
Let me guess: One waffle in between two pieces of French toast
wrapped in a pancake.
Bring it in here, monkeys.
Love you! Get over here!
You mean the greatest woman in the world?
She is standing in line at the Apple Store,
making all my birthday wishes come true.
Let's see how these bad boys taste.
- Oh, no... - Son of a... Oh! It's hot!
-别碰 -老天 烫
- Are you okay? - Fresh out of the oven? That is...
-没事吧 -刚出炉是吧 真是
- Do you want some ice? - Yes.
- Oh, that feels better. That feels better. - Sorry, Dad.
-舒服多了 舒服舒服 -对不起 老爸
No, it actually- That feels weird.
That burns in a different way!
Don't wash this until we see if I can get my skin back. Okay?
No! Your party's not until tonight.
You're just gonna have to wait.
Just let me see the bag. Did you leave it in the car?
- Yeah! - Hey, who'd you deal with?
Was it a guy named Mehar? They call him "The beast."
He's a tiny guy. He must've move a ton of product.
I kinda love that you're making me wait.
You are the best wife ever!
You are the best wife ever!
I didn't get you the iPad.
I got to the store and they were all out.
I don't understand. My online buddies got it.
SAT800 and Brobot didn't get there until 8:00.
And you definitely got there before they did,
because you got there at 6:30.
No, no, no! You didn't get there at 6:30? Where were you?
不不不 你没早去吗 你上哪去了
I set the alarm for 5:00.
I got up, I came downstairs, I fell asleep.
No! Oh, my goodness.
What have I done? What have I done?
- I should've done this myself. - Sweetie, you know what?
-我该自己去的 -亲爱的 没事
They're gonna get more in next week.
That's the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.
Where are you going?
To a place where birthdays still mean something.
- Hi, Manny. - Mitchell?
What are you doing here at...
4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Oh, I'm just returning my dad's belt of tools, so-
At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Don't you have something better to do?
- So, were you a big hit? - What do you mean?
Well, I just assumed there was some kind of costume party.
Was Cam the Indian?
No. For your information, Dad,
不 跟你说 爸
we were actually doing a little construction at the house.
A gift-wrapping station.
- So, thank you for that. - You're welcome.
Hey, uh, Dad, do you remember when I was, probably 11...
and you were teaching me how to fight, and then I quit?
Yeah, when you said everything you needed to learn
you'd learn from West Side Story.
- Yeah. - How'd that work out for you?
If I'm ever in a dance fight, I'll let you know.
So, yeah- Is the offer, uh, still good?
Why? What's the matter? You got problems with Cam?
No! Why would you say that?
Well, come on. I mean, you know, sharing a room with a guy?
I bunked with my brother. I know that can get pretty rough.
I don't "bunk" with Cam.
Dad, I just wanna learn a little self-defense, you know.
Show me what you remember.
- Right now? - Yeah.
-现 现在吗 -来吧
Okay, uh- Gosh, uh- Thumbs out.
好吧 老天 拇指外扣
- Thumbs. Attaboy. - And then-
-没错 乖仔 -然后
That wasn't- That wasn't very pretty, was it?
You know what? Maybe it was a little too pretty.
Think the problem is, you're not jumping from high enough.
You should get on top of the garage.
Alex, stop trying to kill your brother.
Listen, guys, I need your help.
We've gotta find your dad one of those iPad thingies.
So, Haley, text everyone you know.
Alex? Facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling,
艾丽克斯 Facebook 推特什么的都发一圈
I don't know! Just do what you have to do.
We have got to find one of these iPads. Okay?
Luke? Sweetie, that means stay out of everyone's way
and stop inhaling the balloons.
I'm not inhaling them.
Didn't your mama teach you never to take a ride from a stranger?
Got a little vacation time coming up?
Have fun on the moon!
Not feeling too well lately?
Maybe you should come see the doctor...
and I'll get rid of it!
What's that supposed to mean?
Attention. If you're here for Phil's birthday party,
they're gathering in the picnic area.
Phil's birthday party.
My wife knew I'd be here.
She put together a whole party for me.
Does that really make up for not getting an iPad?
Don't make me sorry I shared that with you. Okay?
I just heard the announcement for Phil's birthday party.
Oh, yeah. It's right around the corner.
- Awesome. - Have fun!
Thank you. Thanks, my lady.
Ice-cream cake? Ice-cream cake's good.
Happy birthday, Phil!
- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, sweetie.
- Happy birthday. - Have a really good birthday.
- Did you see the cake? - Oh, yeah. It's great.
No, that's fine, I'm just putting the baby down.
Okay, that's Jake. He's the one that's having an affair.
- I know. - Yeah, I can do it tomorrow night.
I'll just give my wife some excuse.
- I don't really have a choice, do I? - Yeah.
You could not cheat on her! How about that?
Because it has to be a surprise.
When she hears me speaking Italian to her grandmother,
it'll be worth all this sneaking around.
Lily, I had it backwards. He's wonderful.
莉莉 我猜错了 他是个好男人啊
Don't worry. I'll just tell her I'm working late.
No, Jake, don't do that.
That's the worst thing you could do.
Oh, no, Lily, what are we gonna do?
We have to fix this.
Okay, Mitchell, I'm gonna teach you
a couple of basic Brazilian jiu-jitsu moves.
Now, just attack me.
Take any deep-seated anger you may have,
get a running start and come at me.
Dad, I don't have any deep-seated anger.
Remember that Halloween when
I wouldn't let you go as Olivia Newton-John?
You see what I did? I used your momentum against you.
I learned this choke from the Gracie brothers.
It's called the lion killer- mata lella.
- Okay. - Now try to get out. Try to get out.
-懂 -试试挣脱 挣一下
- See? - I can't.
Yeah, all right. Now-
- Passing out... - See, the beauty of this is,
you don't have to make the first move.
You know, chances are your opponent's gonna be overconfident.
He's gonna think you don't know anything.
Basically, he's being suckered into thinking-
Manny. Manny, that little bastard, he hustled me.
Ah, crap. Mitchell!
Oh, crap. All right. Come on. Breathe.
得 吸气 加油
Attaboy. You all right? Coming around.
- Why am I on the floor?- Come on, Mitchell.
-我怎么趴地上了 -醒过来 米奇尔
Haley, I just struck out again.
Please tell me you have some good news.
Okay, so The Grove just got a new shipment.
I'm texting you the directions now.
Oh! Okay, that's good. That's good. That's good.
很好 很好 真棒真棒
I'm there. I'm on that.
That kid stole my watch.
He hustled me at chess.
I thought you promised you were gonna let him win.
- I did the first time. - Wait a minute. You're in on it too?
-我让他赢了一盘 -等等 你也知道
Manny, go and get dressed for the party.
Do I have time for a steam?
- Yeah, but a quick one. - Okay.
-行 但要快 -好
Why tell him to lose to me?
Because you're like a baby when you don't win.
With the kicking and the eyebrows...
and the angry eating of the sunflower seeds.
Actually, that's not true.
I don't mind losing to a chess genius, which Manny obviously is.
Chess genius? He's not even as good as I am.
You're not that good in chess.
- I beat you on our honeymoon. - Or did I let you win?
You didn't let me win.
Why would I sacrifice my queen for your pawn, Jay?
Luke, honey, hi. What's going on?
卢克 宝贝 怎么了
They guy came with Dad's cake,
but just so you know, it's missing a piece.
- Luke, did you take a bite out of your father's cake? - No.
- Stop lying, Luke. - I'm not lying.
-别撒谎 卢克 -我哪有
By the way, I used your credit card to pay him.
Oh, no, that's fine.
Whatever. That's why I left the wallet there.
I left the wallet there! I left the wa-
All this running around,
and he's gonna think nobody cares about him on his birthday.
Why not, Little Phil?
I got no place else to go.
Sir! Sir! Sir, hi. Excuse me.
先生 先生 打扰你了
Um, yes. I know this is highly unusual,
but I need your help to save a marriage.
There is a couple in this neighborhood...
that is about to get a divorce for a simple misunderstanding.
Their name is Jake and Debbie.
And I know you've taken an oath...
to not tell people where other people live,
and I respect that,
but maybe we could work out some sort of
super secretive spy signal,
where if you scratch your left ear,
you know, maybe they live on the left,
and if you scratch your right ear, they live on-
They live right here.
This conversation never happened.
- Sorry. - Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Dad just put me to sleep.
The hunting story.
Oh, my gosh, no. You can't cut the line. Sorry.
老天 你可不能插队 对不起
- I was here. - Uh-uh.
I-I've been here for an hour and a half
and you haven't been, so you cut the line.
- Whatever. - Whoa. Excuse me, sir.
I don't think you understand.
You're not getting in front of us.
Calm down, gingerbread.
- Are you gonna move or not? - No.
Then you leave me no choice.
Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
- Mitchell, what are you doing? Get off of him. - Shut up.
-米奇尔你干什么 放开他 -闭嘴
- He's about to go to sleep. - No, I'm not.
Okay, folks. Break this up. You three- out of line.
Oh, no. I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have anything to do with this.
I'm just waiting in line to get an iPad.
I don't even know this guy.
Oh, my God. I need your credit card.
- He's the problem. - Shut up! You're supposed to be asleep.
-是他挑事 -闭嘴 你怎么还不晕
- It's okay. I have it. - Get off!
- I've got it. - What?
I've got your card. I'm good. No, I'm good.
你的卡 我没犯事 没犯事
I'm good. I'm here. I'm here!
I've gotta get my husband an iPad!
Key to a good birthday? Low expectations.
Thought I was getting an iPad. I was wrong about that.
Thought I was getting a surprise party at the batting cages.
Sorry, Big Phil.
Guess when it comes right down to it,
we're all just Jeff Sweeney taking a fastball to the plums.
Hey, um, Dad, your cake fell off the counter,
but Uncle Cam's trying to fix it.
And the pizzas never showed up.
Fine. I guess we'll never know.
Or we can find out right now.
Yeah, Manny, give me the chess set.
- Oh, it's a chess set. - Yeah. You'll get it later.
We got something to settle now.
- Go in there. - Happy birthday, Phil.
-往里走 - 生日快乐 菲尔
Is that Claire's baked brie I smell?
Oh, Cam, Cam, you'll never believe what happened.
- Happy birthday, Phil! - Sure!
-生日快乐 菲尔 -当然啦
You'll never believe what happened.
I got in trouble for fighting.
And we saved a marriage.
- Well, this is the best day ever. - It really is.
Look at this, papi, huh?
You can't sing "We Are the Champions"...
without your queen.
Damn it! Listen, I lose and I burn this house down!
该死 要是我输了 我就烧掉这房子
- Ah, but look at this... - Honey, honey.
-看这儿 -亲爱的 亲爱的
What are we doing? This is ridiculous.
One of us is gonna win the game,
the other's gonna feel lousy, and we both lose.
Yeah, just leave my birthday present on the floor.
That's my girl. She had me.
There was no way I could win. I knew it.
I'm just glad she didn't know it yet.
Two moves, and then-
I'm a very good chess player.
But I'm a better wife.
- Hey, did you get it? - No.
- How's your dad? - Acting weird... er.
-爸爸怎么样 -古怪 更古怪了
- Hey, wife. - Honey, hi.
- Um, listen... - Mom.
Yeah, Luke, hang on one second.
Honey, it's okay. I don't feel things anymore.
老婆 没关系啦 我已经没感觉了
- But, sweetie, I want you to feel... - Mom!
Luke, I'll be with you in just a second. Where are you going?
Just heading out to the yard to get a shovel for my cake.
- Mom. - Luke, what do you want?
I went on Dad's computer,
contacted some of his geek friends,
told them that he was dying
and his last wish was an iPad.
Luke, what have I told you about-
One of them felt so bad, they brought over an extra.
Oh, my God. You got it. You beautiful little liar!
上帝啊 你拿到了 你这个乖仔撒谎精
Who wants some cake?
I used to, but I don't desire food any-
Oh, my God. You got it!
All this time I said I didn't care,
but I do care. I care so much!
- Do you want to blow out the candles? - Yes.
It did not just do that!
- Yes, it did! - Honey!
Oh, who's ready for the first day of the rest of their lives?
- Phil, happy birthday! - Look at this!
-菲尔 生日快乐 -看啊
- Can I touch it? - Yeah, not so hard, but touch it.
-我能摸摸吗 -摸 别掐 摸摸
Touch it, but don't touch it. Touch it, but don't touch it.
摸它 别摸 摸 别摸
I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.
Thank God that guy came over.
What did he say his name was?
He didn't. Must be an angel.
Did you hear that? I'm an angel.
- Or some creepy perv. - Yeah.
How did he know? Eww.
- Maybe I should call the police. - You should call the police.
-我该报警吗 -没错 报警吧
- I'm gonna call the police. - And they lived happily ever after.
No, Cam. Where are you going? It was just getting good.
别啊小卡 你上哪去 才刚开始精彩
I want- That's my program.
- I love you too, honey. - Oh. Okay.
-我也爱你 亲爱的 -好吧