Oh, is it this guy?
Never travel without it.
Stop holding up the line, idiot!
It's not his fault. He's just doing his job.
It's your fault, dummy.
I'm sorry, sir, no liquid over three ounces.
抱歉 先生 不能携带超过三盎司液体上机
This is Pappy Van Winkle, friend.
Do you know how old this bourbon is?
If this was a person,
I would've stopped having sex with it a year ago.
Do you know who I am?
I'm actually a huge celebrity on my way to New York
for an important meeting with a book publisher,
who wants to publish a book about me because I am famous.
- That's not... - Fine, you want me to dance?
-那不是... -好吧 你想打架是吗
Give me ten seconds, Diane.
This guy's being a total Fascist.
- Diane? - Over here, BoJack.
-戴安 -我在这 波杰克
How'd you get through so fast?
I followed the basic requirements for air travel
that have been in place for over a decade.
Sir, whoever you are, please...
先生 不管你是谁 请...
Really? You've never heard of my TV show?
You know very well who I am.
And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to New York.
现在 失陪了 我要去纽约
Oh, you know what? Could be this.
Oh, my God, he's got a gun.
Relax, it's a lighter.
How much lighter fluid can I take on the plane?
And before you answer, remember, I'm a celebrity.
你回答之前 记住 我是名人
We're gonna need a full body cavity search.
m 20 0 l 209 0 b b b 11 228 0 218 0 209 l 0 20 b 0 11 11 0 20 0
m 71 60 b 71 0 161 0 161 60 b 161 120 71 120 71 60
Thanks for coming to New York for this.
Let's just say, it's better for everyone's kneecaps
if I stay out of California for a little bit.
Always nice to get a change of scenery, am I right?
I think the New York air's been good for my health.
I mean, I did find a lump,
but hey, who needs health insurance
when you've got BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh?
How's it coming along?
I'm pumping out heartfelt anecdotes
and witty observations left and right,
and this one is spinning it all into gold.
Your telephone is ringing. I'm Ira Glass.
Thank you for being a sustaining member of public radio.
Everyone has a story,
and your phone's story is that it's ringing.
Hurry back, superstar.
I don't think Diane's working out.
What? Why? Is Diane no good?
I don't know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story.
She's so... functional.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman,
she's too functional.
Why don't I just get on the phone
and call a less functional...
What are you talking about?
This is a very bad time, BoJack!
You need to promise me that your book will be on the shelves
and making money by October!
Got it. Sorry I took so long.
Who was that? The library?
Thanking you for never returning a book late?
That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died.
Did we talk about firming up the release date?
- I was thinking late September. - I am so sorry.
It's fine, he was old and also the worst.
Such a terrible tragedy
really puts everything in perspective.
Where does that leave us as far as the book of it all?
I just got to swing by Boston
and give my condolences real quick.
BoJack can come with me.
We'll get some work done while we're there,
and then that way the whole trip
won't be a total waste of time.
Call me if you need anything,
but hang up after one ring,
and I'll call you back from the phone booth
where my wife and I are living.
*Todd bless these scrambled eggs*
*Eggs from the fridge*
*Sunny side them and guide them*
Todd, stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song.
If you're wondering who said that,
it's this note that you're reading.
You're hearing my voice in your head,
because that's how reading works.
As you might've noticed, Todd,
I've left you home alone for the day,
and frankly, I already regret that decision.
Here's what you need to do. Nothing.
Don't touch my stuff, and don't make a mess.
Pick me up at the airport tomorrow,
and until then, don't do anything.
Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself.
Cheers to bath time.
Great story, Todd. I love our friendship.
好故事 陶德 我喜欢跟你做朋友
The great Toddini!
And here we have the home
of a truly dynamic and unique talent,
TV's own David Boreanaz.
Sounds like we have some fans
of Person of Interest on board,
or Castle, or whatever his show is.
Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house.
抱歉 各位 你们来错地方了
Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S.
to see where David Boreanaz lives.
He's the American Hugh Jackman.
He's so good in Burn Notice.
In that case, come on in, friends.
那样的话 进来吧 朋友们
Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here.
I really want to be here for you in your time of need,
but I'm not really good with funerals or death
但我面对葬礼 死亡 家庭
or families or feelings or people.
Don't worry. You can wait in the car.
It's probably better you don't meet my brothers.
They're narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags.
I wish I had brothers growing up.
Touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg.
Life as an only child can get pretty lonely.
Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend?
Imaginary friends are freeloaders
invented by communists to rip-off welfare.
Why don't you do something productive,
like bang your head against the wall
until your brain isn't so stupid?
Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely, too.
My family made my life miserable,
and then they never forgave me for leaving.
So, what, you're like the black sheep?
No, Gary's the black sheep. He's adopted.
不 加里才是败家子 他是领养的
I'm just the member of the family nobody likes.
And my dad was the worst of them all.
You told me that you and your father
used to sit on the roof and look at the stars together.
Oh, yeah, I was just trying to get you to open up,
so I used an old writer's trick called "Me lying to you."
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm using an old me trick
called "That hurts my feelings."
And the truth is, I used to sit alone
on the hill out by the dump
and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton,
but with my hair.
You do have great hair.
I'll just pop in for a quick hi and bye.
Then we'll be on our way.
Ten minutes, swear to God.
You can play with this kaleidoscope
I got you at the airport.
What? A kaleidoscope?
Shapes and colors the likes of which I've never seen.
Hey, yeah, Deedee came home!
Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back!
加里 马蒂 阿提 滴滴回来了
Game. Watching the game.
Can't look up from the game. How you doing?
Marty, it's a game from '86.
You've seen it a hundred times.
And how many times does Buckner break your heart?
Aw, thank God you're here, Deedee.
Pops is wicked departed.
Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard.
And I do not like them apples, Deedee.
Yo, Deedee, get me a beer.
Yeah, make that two, Deedee.
Gary, Marty, I just got home.
加里 马蒂 我才到家啊
Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't want to get her brother a beer.
Hey, Ma, come look what the Pats dragged in.
Oh, hello! Look who decided to come home.
Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence.
To what do I owe the honor?
Look, I'm just here to offer my condolences.
Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas.
是啊 来了就走 就像过圣诞节的新教徒
Why would you want to stick around,
be with your family in their time of need?
Don't fight while the game's on.
It's the '86 World Series.
Ah, why'd you have to...
Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right?
We're not like your fancy California friends.
Your George Clooney and your California Raisins.
Oh, come off it, Ma. She don't mean no harm.
别说了 妈 她没有恶意的
For five years she didn't come home.
Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow.
Well, this was clearly a huge mistake.
Why not? Ma doesn't want me here.
Ma don't know what she wants.
She wants you here. We all do.
Ain't that right, Marty?
Can't look up from the game.
Besides, we need your help
organizing all the funeral stuff.
We didn't go to college.
We're not smart like you.
Fine, I'll help.
Is there a number for me to call?
Yeah, try 1-800-The-Internet, dummy.
有啊 试试1-800-网-络 傻瓜
Jeez, do some legwork, Dee.
And do it quick. The ice is melting.
Oh, my God. Is that dad?
Did someone draw balls on his forehead?
That was before we knew he was dead.
We just thought he was wicked hung over.
In your face, Dad!
In your face forever.
Welcome to the home of David Boreanaz,
famous from television shows
such as dramas on networks.
That will be $50 please.
Oy, mate, this picture of David Boreanaz fell apart.
Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle that.
Why don't you just go look through
David Boreanaz's underwear drawer, okay?
It's in his bedroom.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Uh-oh, am I reading something again?
No, this is your conscience.
BoJack trusted you to take care of his house.
Is this really... what are you doing?
It's a great day on Todd's phone.
How can I help you?
Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz deal?
I'm your agent, damn it.
How'd you find out about Boreanaz House?
Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here
batting a ball of yarn around while you do the real work.
I want to take your project to the next level.
We need to go bigger.
Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis to this thing?
Attach her? How?
You do your job. I'll do mine.
Ah, out of combinations. Now I'm bored.
- You show me nothing... - What do you want from me?
You have no right to barge in here after five years
and judge us, Diane.
I'm just saying Marty could lend a hand
instead of sitting on the couch watching the game all day.
You know very well his leg's still sore
from the accident at the quarry.
Yeah, he's got to rest up
if he's gonna be a wide receiver for B.C.
He didn't get into B.C.
Ah, what's the point of getting off the couch anyway?
All the jobs are going to immigrants these days.
What do you... We're immigrants.
- How do you figure? - We're Vietnamese?
Step off! We're American as fuck.
And that's the same crap you always pull...
What do you want from me? Come on!
Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane.
Does anyone here speak English?
Pull over and park the car.
Is that the frickin' horse from Horsin' Around?
Again, does anyone here speak English?
- Oh, no way... - What?
Seventy-five each. Children and seniors free.
Please stay behind the ropes
and keep your hands and belongings on your person at all times.
Next we'll head to the kitchen where... Is that Mila Kunis?
Note the letters B.H. on all hand towels and linens.
That stands for "Boreanaz House."
Yeah, do you pick up bodies?
Is that a service you provide? Corpse removal?
Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston celebrities?
Well, one time at Bristol Farms,
Ben Affleck and I did reach for the same bunch of grapes.
Oh, he eats grapes just like us?
Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes.
He don't eat grapes!
BoJack said he fed Affleck grapes.
He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself.
This is the greatest day of my life.
Hey, I don't suppose you boys would have any interest
in maybe playing some touch football later?
Touch football with a star like you?
That would be mad wicked pisser.
Ooh, you know what else we got to do?
We got to watch the Cryane video.
Ooh, that sounds good. What's that?
No, we don't need to revisit that.
When Deedee was 16,
we made up a secret pen pal for her named Leo.
Guys, I really would rather not discuss it.
We all took turns writing her letters,
pretending to be this sensitive boy from Cambridge.
It was wicked messed up.
"Oh, Diane, we're two misunderstood souls.
Everyone else is a phony.
Yours forever, Leo."
What? That is amazing.
After six months of letters,
we hired a homeless guy to pretend to be Leo
and take her to the homecoming dance.
- Look at her. - Watch, watch this part.
-看她啊 -快看 看这部分
I like your boutonniere.
Why don't we watch this every day?
- Look at her face. - Now that's a good prank.
Yeah, you wouldn't get it.
It's a brothers thing, right, brothers?
这是兄弟之间的事儿 对吧 兄弟们
That's Cryane for you.
You know, it's nice that years later
we can all laugh about this.
Yep, my therapist thinks the same thing.
I'm gonna go meet with the funeral director.
Any of you boys want to come?
Nah, I ain't so big on funeral homes, Deedee.
不了 我对殡仪馆不怎么感兴趣 滴滴
All them dead bodies, they give me the jeebies.
Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to go?
是啊 滴滴 我们为什么非得去呢
Fine, none of you have to go.
I'll take care of everything.
Thank you, Diane. We all really appreciate it.
谢谢 戴安 非常感谢
Why you got to take BoJack with you?
Boys, you have stolen my heart
like Dave Roberts stole second base.
Hey! He knows our things!
I must go now, but I'll see you all at the funeral, okay?
我得走了 葬礼见 好吗
And when I do, you're all getting noogies.
And now, a very special treat
just for our platinum members.
Let's take a peek at the slumbering
Mr. Boreanaz himself.
Get out of my room, Todd!
I'm David Boreanaz.
And thus concludes our tour.
Have a Boreanderful day.
Tell me about your father.
Well, he was a mean, sadistic alcoholic,
who never supported anything I did
and actively delighted in seeing me fail.
Sounds like you're looking for our Piece of Shit Dad Package.
That would be too good for my father.
Might I then suggest our Piece of Shit Dad Package
Would Be Too Good For Him Package.
Yeah, that's the one.
Hey, can I suggest something?
You might want to loosen up a little.
I think you could actually
learn a thing or two from your brothers.
Are you kidding?
If I was like my brothers, nothing would ever get done.
if you can't find a way to let off some steam
you're going to explode.
God damn it! Are you god damn kidding me?
I keep getting calls from this unlisted number.
Ignore. Who are these assholes?
Why don't you just answer, and then you'll know?
Oh, they'd just love that, wouldn't they?
Ugh, how are we supposed to blackmail him
if we can't reach him?
Maybe we got to get him where he lives?
That's right, his house.
What the... Whose house is this?
Is that David Boreanaz?
I could've sworn BoJack Horseman lived here.
Hey, let's keep these lines moving, huh?
You want to stop and chat,
you gotta pay for the extended stay ticket.
Ah, so much, so much, so much.
太多了 太多了 太多了
Another five Gs, T-Bag, and we are in the pink.
又是五千 兄弟 我们赚翻了
I don't know, Princess Carolyn.
I ran out of shoeboxes for the money,
and the books aren't adding up.
Plus the men's lav needs to be serviced,
and I had to fire Janine in the gift shop
for stealing Boreabble heads.
I mean, how did I end up with all this responsibility?
Hey, I'm not screwing around here, small fry.
You better make those numbers sing.
I don't think these offshore banks
we've been using are 100% legal.
Yeah, well, my mother told me never to slap an idiot.
Now we're both breaking the rules.
You listen, and you listen good.
I've gotten used to a certain lifestyle
since Boreanaz House went public,
and I'm not going back to the old way.
Mommy likes her shoes, see?
And her pearls.
Oh, I'm in too deep.
I don't know what to do.
I'll tell you what you should do.
It's me, David Boreanaz.
Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like?
Let me give you some advice.
As we say on my show...
I want to say, New Girl?
just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine.
Wow, thanks, Davie B.
Never call me that.
It's 4:00. I don't think anyone's coming.
All those jerk wads had to do was show up,
and they couldn't even do that.
Where's the body even?
Beg your pardon, minor hiccup.
My goons went to pick your father up, but nobody was home.
For a nominal fee,
we can scrounge up another body for you.
Would you care to peruse our loaner closet?
Hey, assholes! Where were you?
I planned the whole funeral, like you asked me to,
and nobody showed.
Yeah, we realized dad wouldn't have wanted some stuffy funeral.
He would've wanted his body to be chopped up into chum
and thrown in Derek Jeter's fat face.
Yeah, suck it, Jeter!
对 去死吧 基特
Wait, what? Where is Dad?
等等 什么 你们说爸爸在哪里
We got him chummed. He's in the truck.
You chummed Dad?
It's what your father wanted, honey,
but then you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Let me get this straight.
So instead of coming to the funeral
that I paid for and spent all day organizing,
you had Dad's body ground into chum,
so you could throw his mushy remains on Derek Jeter?
No, not just on Derek Jeter.
We're gonna throw it into his fat face.
- Yeah, his fat face. - In his fat face.
-对 他那张肥脸上 -扔他一脸
The Yankees are in town this week.
The planets are aligning, Deedee.
Tommy, you begged me to stay and help.
Why does everything always got to be about big-shot Diane?
Too good for her home.
I don't think I'm too good for my home.
Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong.
Diane isn't a big-shot. She's my ghostwriter.
She's writing a book that's not even gonna have her name on it.
You think this is how she expected
her life would be going at 34?
She lives with her rich boyfriend and doesn't pay rent.
She's not too good for anything.
Diane's a freeloader?
Even I pay rent.
This is why I told you to wait in the car!
Here comes Cryane.
Hey, hey, Deedee, come on.
Diane, you are making a public spectacle of yourself.
Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys?
Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck.
Dad's chum is in the back.
Suck a dick, dumb shits!
Well, that crazy clam did it. She took Pops.
Oh, no, what are we gonna do?
And it's a one-hopper back to the pitcher. Easy out at first.
So what we're gonna do is nothing?
Sox are on, and I haven't seen this one.
Does anyone know where she might have gone?
Ah, she used to run off like this
all the time in high school, too.
Who knows where crazy goes?
I think I know where she went.
Wait, you can't leave.
The party's just getting started.
I don't know, Diane was pretty upset,
and she's got your dad.
Oh, don't go, BoJack.
You're like the fifth brother I never had.
Yeah, don't leave, bro.
是啊 不要走 兄弟
After this, we'll go play touch football
and do a noogie parade.
Everyone please disperse.
This is an unlawful gathering.
Oh, this isn't looking good, Princess Carolyn.
What are we gonna do?
What do you mean, we?
Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.
Mr. Boreanaz, I presume.
Um, would you like a Boreabble head?
The amazing thing is,
the house looks just like BoJack's house.
They must have the same architect.
Anyway, how are things with you?
I should've known it was a waste of time to come back here.
Well, when you get back,
I'll give you one of my patented Peanutbutter hugs.
Crunchy and creamy.
You know that patent wasn't approved,
but I'll take it.
I have to go. BoJack's here.
BoJack, well, what's he doing... ?
Hey, sorry I said all that stuff about you.
It's all true, isn't it?
I found this letter back at the bar.
I think it's for you.
Look, just read it. I think you'll like it.
"Dear Diane, it's me, your old pen pal Leo.
亲爱的戴安 是我 你的老笔友列奥
This definitely isn't BoJack Horseman writing this."
"You're a good person, Diane,
and that's the most important thing.
Even if no one appreciates you,
it's important that you don't stop being good.
I like how you always bring your own bags
to the grocery store,
and how you're always organized to go places.
I like how you chew gum on the airplane so your ears will pop.
A lot of people might not appreciate that about you,
Yours forever, Leo."
That's the best letter he ever wrote me.
Look, take it from someone with his own shitty parents,
family is a sinkhole,
and you were right to get out when you had the chance.
The stupid thing is,
even now I still just want them to be proud of me
and think I did good.
Is that really stupid?
- Yep. - No, it isn't.
-对 -不 才不傻
You want those guys to be proud of you?
I guess I was just hoping to get some modicum of closure.
Closure is a made up thing
by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets.
It, like true love and the Munich Olympics,
doesn't exist in the real world.
The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.
Yeah, but every time I come back here they...
话是没错 但每次我回来 他们...
So don't come back here.
What's great about Los Angeles
is nobody cares about where you're from or who you are.
It's a superficial town
where you can worry about stupid shit
like keeping your pool clean,
and what artisanal nuts to put on your salad.
I do like salad.
Why do you think people keep moving there?
The good news is, your dad can't hurt anyone ever again.
Thank you so much, Derek Jeter.
I thought a big baseball hotshot like you
would be too busy to help us old ladies across the street.
I always have time to look out for my elders,
Yankee fan or no.
Is that a barrel of chum?
Um, I'll meet you inside. I have to make a call.
It's Herb. You know what to do.
I think we have some unfinished business.
It seems like life's too short to hold grudges
and stuff like that, you know what I'm saying?
About life being too short?
Well, of course you know what I'm saying.
You're the one with terminal...
I feel like I'm doing all the talking here.
So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat.
Why don't you give me a call, okay?
Um... so smell you later?
This is BoJack. Horseman.
Ugh, who keeps calling me?
Come on, BoJack. Pick up, pick up.
快点 波杰克 快接电话啊
I'm sure he'll pick up.
It's BoJack. You know what to do.