As your accountant, I felt it necessary to do this in person.
Us, too. Because we're really accounting on you...
- No. - to get in on the ground floor of this exciting new...
No, don't do this. Please, God, no.
别这样 求你了 不要
...PB Livin' product.
Has this ever happened to you?
Whatever it is, it hasn't happened.
Nothing has ever happened to me.
- You say you love a toasted bagel. - I would never say that.
- I have celiac disease. - Ding. Bagel's ready.
-我患有乳糜泻 -叮叮 百吉饼好了
- But wait. - Son of a...
- Hey. That bagel was too fast. - No.
That's why PB Livin' presents, the Bagel Catcher.
For all those hard-to-catch bagels.
No, no. Stop. Enough. Enough.
不 快停下 够了
Stop talking! I can't take it anymore!
PB Livin' is filing for bankruptcy.
- I'm shutting you down. - I thought you were a customer.
I don't get what's happening.
What's happening is you two knuckleheads threw
thousands of dollars into a bunch of dumb ideas.
You paid 50 grand to a bunch of kindergartners
for the movie rights to the game "Tag."
Our business manager was over the moon for that.
Business manager? Who the hell is your business manager?
Business-wise, this all seems like appropriate business.
This company is more in the red than Carrie on prom night.
So, what you're saying is,
we're just one great idea away from breaking even?
No. You're...you are out of money.
Mr. Peanutbutter, you need to get a job.
- Are you hiring at your accounting firm? - Dude, no.
I'm waiting for my agent. He'll be with me any moment.
Mr. Peanutbutter is going back to work.
Yeah. He's probably just organizing all the amazing opportunities.
I haven't heard from him in years,
so they've probably been piling up.
Maybe I should just go check on him.
Hello, Ronnie? It's your favorite client, Mr. Peanutbutter.
Well, I'm coming in. I hope you're... Oh! Oh, my God.
Ronnie, how'd you get that belt around your neck,
then caught on the filing cabinet,
which made your pants fall down
while you were researching pornograph
Oh,I see what happened here.
Morning time, Hollywoo.
I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type.
Here's a thing written on a card.
Last night, major Hollywoo agent
Ronnie Bonito was found dead in his office...
...in what authorities are calling a mishap of a sexual nature.
- What does that mean? - You know, auto-erotic asphyxiation.
-啥意思 -你懂得啊 自动窒息式性爱
Auto-a-what's it who's it?
Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself
in an attempt to heighten sexual arousal?
Coming up, a food truck that serves just one thing: gravy.
Did you hear that? New food truck.
- We should go. - I'm in.
Hey, can I get some lunch money? It's pizza day today.
Sure thing, sport. Wait, where is it pizza day?
没问题啊 等等 哪里举办的披萨日
Hey, BoJack, would you zip me up? My shoulder is killing me.
波杰克 能帮我拉拉链吗 我的肩膀好痛
I'm not sleeping right. We need to do something about that bed.
Just because I'm nocturnal doesn't mean I wanna be up all night.
- I propped it up with a Golden Globe. - It still wobbles.
Yeah. Anyway, I got you something.
A beeper? BoJack, it's great,
寻呼机吗 波杰克 这礼物很棒
but you know, I already have one.
Yeah, you have a beeper, but I don't.
Now, you can page me whenever you want.
Huh. BoJack, I love it, and you're gonna love it, too.
波杰克 我喜欢呼人 你也会喜欢的
There's all kinds of codes we can send each other.
"Zero, zero, zero" is "Call me,"
and "1-2-3" Is "I miss you"
And "8-0-0-8-5" is boobs.
What? Boobs? Oh, my God.
什么 大胸吗 天哪
What scamp came up with that one?
Okay, I gotta go. Dinner tonight?
好了 我得走了 一起吃晚饭吗
Totally. Let's hit that gravy truck.
"I love you. No, I don't"?
Hold it. Hold the elevator.
Goddam it. No. No. Ow.
他喵的 不 不
Rutabaga, this day already sucks.
My heel broke while I was at this new food truck,
and I spilled a handful of gravy all over myself
because they don't sell bowls, just gravy.
Should've gone to the bowl truck first.
That's where they get you.
Well, I guess the upside to being invisible around here
is that none of these assholes will ever notice what a mess I am.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I see what a mess you are.
Do you need the movie-star speech?
No, no, I'll be okay. And how are you?
不用 我没事 你还好吗
Gotta look at paint for the new kitchen.
I have to pick a shade
that won't clash with the splatter of blood
from when I blow my brains out after talking to Katie
about paint swatches all day.
We do have fun.
So, what's the plan for today? Find a new agent, go on auditions?
No, I'm gonna do exactly what landed me
Mr. Peanutbutter's House, oh, so long ago.
Wander around L.A. with an open mind
and an empty stomach until I get discovered.
But also, like, find a new agent and go on auditions, right?
Or should I start stealing food from work?
I'm just gonna go with the flow
and leave everything up to destiny.
- Que sera quesadilla. - You know we could lose the house, right?
- Diane. - Right?
Diane, Diane, Diane.
戴安 戴安 戴安
I wasn't stealing paper towels to use as dinner napkins. Why?
Here's a funny question for you:
If Mr. Peanutbutter said, "I love you. No, I don't,"
如果花生酱先生说 我爱你 才怪
would you need to talk about that later and figure out what he meant?
Probably not, right? Because they're meaningless words?
I mean, language evolves, right?
How can anyone know what anything means?
The answer is nobody can. Nothing means anything.
So why bother talking about anything?
In this scenario, are Mr. Peanutbutter and I living in our house?
Or are we squatting in
an abandoned Barnes & Noble burning books to keep warm
as we struggle through our Dickensian-style poverty?
"Zero, zero, zero." No idea what that means.
I think it means "call me."
Ignore. Wait, where's the ignore button?
忽略 等等 忽略按钮在哪里
How do I ignore?
I think with a beeper, you just ignore it.
- With what, my mind? - You seem a little stressed out.
-用什么 意念吗 -你似乎有点紧张过度
That's because as soon as I'm done with work,
I have to have a long, awkward conversation
with Wanda about our relationship,
unless... I'm never done with work.
Diane, you magnificent bastard. That's it.
戴安 你这个机智的小幺鸡 太棒了
I'll be out there in the stands.
And I'll be rooting for you, Secretariat.
Your line is, "and I'll see you at the finish line."
Yeah, I know. I'm acting.
Great. Now I gotta start all over.
Settle in, folks. We could be here a while.
就位吧 各位 我们可能得拍上一会儿了
Ah, Princess Carolyn.
So good of you to join us eventually.
Sorry I'm late. I had the worst morning.
You know who had an even "the worst-er" morning?
- Ronnie Bonito. Because he's dead. - He is?
-鲣鱼罗尼 因为他死了 -是吗
He decided to strangle the dirty dangle
and now that sweet chariot has come for to carry him home.
Everyone who was here on time is taking a moment.
- Of silence? - Yes.
Also to reach out to his former clients.
- To offer their condolences? - Yes.
Also to recruit them to the Vigor roster.
A Vigor agent is a vigorous agent.
Who do you want me to call?
I have ins with a bunch of
Bonito's clients including all the major J's:
Law, Lo, Leno, and J. Abrams.
刘 罗 莱诺和J·艾布拉姆斯
Oh, that's wonderful news
in the parallel universe in which you were on time today.
In this reality, however, we're all good.
You can lap up the leftovers though.
- "Mr. Peanutbutter"? - Oh, and Princess Carolyn?
-花生酱先生吗 -对了 卡洛琳公主
Get your shoe fixed.
You look like a woman from an '80s deodorant commercial.
Here I go. Destiny, don't fail me now.
我来了 命运 别让我失望啊
Yeah. Hitting the pavement.
This is how it happens for a guy like me.
Out of my way, flyer.
Why do you have to be on my shoe in front of this store?
Wait, a second. Shoe.
Shoe store? Shoe store.
"Team players wanted"?
Oh, I'm such a good team player,
I make all the other team players look like garbage.
Lady Footlocker, meet your lord.
Great, we got it. We got one take.
很好 拍到了 我们就拍了一条
And now we gotta stop for the day.
What? No. Why stop now?
什么 不 为什么收工
- I'm just getting warmed up. - Union rules. We're done. Go home.
-我才刚热身呢 -规定如此 收工回家
Why go home when we could
extend this long day's journey into night?
- Drinks on me, folks. - I could use a drink.
- Or six. - Great, Corduroy's driving. Let's go.
-半打也行 -好 灯芯绒开车 我们走吧
- I really needed this, BoJack. - Me, too.
-我真的很需要喝一杯 波杰克 -我也是
Yeah, man. This day's been really hard on me.
Ever since I heard about that agent
who died from that blue-face blastoff?
- Blue-face blastoff? - The strokey chokey?
- The two-neck squeeze? - What?
You know, the one hand on the Adam's apple,
the other one's on the Adam's banana?
Oh, right. Right. Yeah. The auto-erotic--
That could've been me. I used to really be into that stuff.
I was a hardcore gasper.
Can't believe you have so many names for it.
Now I can't stop thinking about it.
I shouldn't even be alive right now, man, you know?
We don't need to talk about how you masturbate.
- The orgasms you get-- - Okay, I guess we do.
It's like seeing a rainbow, but with all the colors.
- So, like a normal rainbow? - But it's too dangerous, man.
They say if you bite down
on a lemon right at the point of climax,
the lemon juice gives you
the jolt you need to not pass out and die.
But still man, you're just... rolling the dice.
Okay, this is getting really graphic.
Can we maybe talk about anything else?
- Sure. - Thank God.
Hey, man, it's funny you should mention God,
because my new thing is... the Bible.
Tell me, have you accepted Jesus Christ
as your Lord and personal savior?
So, noose-wise, what are we talking?
You use a standard sailor's knot
or more like your average birthday-present bow?
- I beeped you, BoJack. - Oh, hey. About this morning--
-我呼叫你了 波杰克 -关于今早...
- It's fine. - Because when I said that--
I said it's fine. You don't love me.
That's okay. I don't love you.
- What? - Good night.
Morning time, Hollywoo.
-I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. -And I'm Some Lady.
On today's show, I sit down with Hank Hippopopalous
to discuss his new smash hit, Hey, I Think You Can Dance.
Can you talk about your process?
When I see someone, and I think they can dance,
I say, "Hey, I think you can dance."
And when I think they can't dance,
I say, "No, I don't think you can dance."
- And that is pretty much it. - Fascinating.
- So, last night when-- - BoJack, it's not a big deal.
-昨晚你说 -波杰克 这不是什么大事
You don't love me, I don't love you.
We're having a good time. It's fine.
Wait, you can't just say, "I don't love you" to someone.
- You said it to me. - Yeah, but that was different.
- How was that different? - Because you do love me. Right?
-哪里不一样了 -因为你爱我 对吗
- Like a little bit? - No.
Uh, for what it's worth, I love both you guys.
Shut up, Todd. Grown-ups are talking.
闭嘴 陶德 大人在谈话呢
Here you go, ma'am.
Jessica Atkinson, come on down.
Would you like to see what's in box number one or box number two?
Either way, it's a brand-new pair of shoes!
- Rutabaga-- - Coffee?
I was thinking about you last night
while Katie and I were locked
in a fascinating debate about counter granite.
And what if I told you I used to work Ronnie Bonito's desk,
and I happen to know that he had a client so hush-hush,
- it wasn't even on the master list. - What? Who? Tell me. Whoa!
-根本都不在客户名单里 -是谁 快说
Beloved novelist J.D. Salinger. What?
The author of Catcher in the Rye?
- And... others? - Yuh-huh.
- Isn't he dead? - He's "Reclusive."
Dude wanted to be left alone so much, he faked his own death.
Why are you giving this lead to me?
Because I like you, dummy.
Now we gotta wait for the fire department
to come let us out of this elevator.
- Hey. - Corduroy, what are you doing here?
-嗨 -灯芯绒 你在这儿干嘛
I need a favor. Can you hold on to this for me?
- Ew. Is this your Bible? - No, no, no, no.
- It's my choking-off kit. - Your kit?
Yeah. It has all my supplies.
Silk ties, a leather gag, velvet sock. Lemon.
丝绸领带 皮革塞口球 红丝绒袜 柠檬
Look, man, you gotta take this off my hands. I can't trust myself with this.
I don't know if I want your jack-off kit at my house.
Please, man. I got this girlfriend. She loves me.
If I fall back into the old gasp-and-goo, it'll break her heart.
Wait. So, you're saying if someone loves you,
they don't want you to choke yourself while masturbating?
Yeah. It's really dangerous.
- All right. I'll take it. - Thanks, BoJack.
-好吧 我会保管的 -谢了 波杰克
I still don't understand why you need a kit, though.
Can't you just use, like, a belt or a rope?
I mean, I guess you could use anything.
I mean, you could use an iPhone charger,
a shoelace, a necktie, a jump-rope...
鞋带 领带 跳绳...
- Oh, hello. I'm looking for some-- - Sorry, no looking allowed.
-你好 我来找 -抱歉 这里不能找
This store is for customers only.
Okay, then, I would like to buy a bicycle.
What would you recommend?
- One with a bell, or--? - Alright. You got me.
-带车铃的还是 -好吧 你赢了
I don't know anything about bicycles.
I'm J.D. Salinger. I faked my own death.
Mr. Salinger. Such a pleasure.
Let me guess, Catcher in the Rye?
- I wanna say The Hobbi-- - Nope.
Look. I'm an agent.
It doesn't matter whether I've read your work.
What matters is I can look you in the eye
and tell you I'm a big fan.
The world is ready for your comeback, and I wanna help.
No, thank you. Not interested.
不 谢了 不感兴趣
Did that before, didn't work out well.
Fans were relentless. The critics were cruel.
And that's why my motto is, "It's better to be alone."
所以我的座右铭是 "与其被人伤害 不如一人独处"
Which, come to think of it,
is probably why I don't sell a lot of tandem bicycles.
But, J.D. Salinger, you are J.D. Salinger.
You are a goddamn American treasure.
But every time I go out in the world,
people hound me about my books.
What if I told you there was a place where no one reads books?
A place where people only read headlines, lists and pictures.
A place where people hate reading so much,
they hire others to do it for them
and don't even pay a living wage.
What do you mean, like, modern reading slaves?
And all those modern reading slaves really wanna be doing
is writing things that, one day,
other people will also avoid reading.
- Does such a place truly exist? - Come with me, J.D. Salinger.
-这样的地方当真存在吗 -跟我来 J·D·塞林格
Let's go to Hollywoo.
- We need to talk. - Okay.
You're probably wondering what this beautiful mahogany box is.
- I wasn't wondering that. - It's my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit.
I've decided to do the funky Spider-Man.
- What? Funky Spider-Man? - I came up with that one myself.
Because he hangs, then he shoots webbing.
Wait. Are you saying you want to auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself?
Even though it's very dangerous
and I could die.
Now, if you love me, you probably wouldn't want me to do it.
好了 如果你爱我 你可能不想让我这么做
- Okay. I get it. - Since you don't, I should do it, right?
-好吧 我明白了 -既然你不爱我 那我就该去撸 对吧
I mean, there's no reason not to... unless you love me.
- Do it. - Wait. Seriously?
-去吧 -慢着 你说真的吗
Seems like you've already made up your mind.
If you're that set on it, knock yourself out.
Only if I do it wrong.
Because as I mentioned before, it's very dangerous.
- Have fun. - I'm serious. I'm really gonna do it.
-撸得开心 -我是认真的 我真要撸了哦
Great. Put a towel down. Not one of the good ones.
太好了 记得垫块毛巾 别拿好的那种
Morning time, Hollywoo.
I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type.
And I'm An Actress Or Something,
I don't know, sitting in for Some Lady.
- Whoa. What happened to her? - She got kidnapped.
Oh, hey. Look who survived to masturbate another day.
Well, I didn't do it yet, obviously.
If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna go all out.
A big job like that needs lumber, and pulleys, lemons, so forth.
撸一次需要木支架 滑轮 柠檬之类的大工程
I'm not gonna half-ass anything.
This is my orgasm we're talking about.
Okay. Well, I wish you all the best.
- Not too late to stop me. - I'm not gonna stop you.
- Good 'cause don't. - All right, we're in agreement.
-你别阻止最好 -正好 我们达成一致了
Can't you two see what this is doing to me?
I've been acting out.
Have a great day.
Todd? Get in the car.
It's time to get serious about auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Hooray! Question mark?
Just play it cool, Todd. No one needs to know why we're here.
保持冷静 陶德 没人知道我们来这的原因
Excuse me, I'm looking for
something that will hold up a lot of weight.
Let's say something that
could hoist up a horse comfortably by the neck.
Not for suicide purposes.
I'm trying to have a more fulfilling orgasm.
The world wept when news broke that J.D. Salinger died.
- J.D. Salinger died? - But I'm here to tell you, he didn't die.
-J·D·塞林格死了吗 -但我来是要告诉你 他没死
J.D. Salinger didn't die?
As one of the 20th century's most celebrated authors,
J.D. Salinger has inspired countless dreamers,
eighth graders and occasionally, assassins.
His spare lyricism and devotion to character
will undoubtedly translate
into a penetrating dramatic work for this,
the golden age of television writing.
J.D. Take it away.
I wanna do a show where people ask celebrities trivia questions.
- What? - Like a game show?
Yeah. You know because since they're famous people,
I think normal people would
wanna see if they know trivia and stuff.
Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know?
Do they know things? Let's find out.
What a hoot. I love it,
and I don't use that word with just anybody.
What do you call it?
I call it Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know?
Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out.
It's maybe more of a working title.
I can see it on the marquee already.
- Must be a long marquee. - It's long.
-那一定要一块很长的大屏幕 -是的 很长
Yeah, yeah. The celebrities can also do physical challenges.
没错 没错 还可以请名人来挑战体能
We've been searching for
a companion for Hey, I Think You Can Dance.
But wait, wait one second. Who's gonna host?
等等 等一下 谁做主持人
Huh. I've got the perfect guy.
Who wants to be in Nike Airs?
Claire, you are looking off
the charts "Gorge" in those tennis shoes.
But let me ask you this: Would you like to buy a towel?
Because I'm throwing one in for free.
- He's perfect. - Mm-hm.
How would you like to be the host of
J.D.Salinger's new celebrity game show?
What? I knew destiny had a plan for me.
You know, it just goes to show,
with the right attitude, every single one of your dreams
will always come true.
And if your dreams don't come true,
it's probably because you just didn't have the right attitude.
Today, one agent did something that no one else could.
I'll give you two hints: catcher and rye.
给大家个提示 抓住[守望者] 麦[麦田]
Oh. Nothing. It's nothing.
Charley Witherspoon caught a rye bagel
coming out of the toaster.
- Come again? - It was coming fast and hot.
One day, some genius will invent some sort of bagel catcher
that takes the guesswork out of this task,
but until then, Charley gets a gold star.
- Thanks, Dad. I mean, Mr. Dad. - Oh...
-谢谢爸爸 爸爸先生 -醉了
Hey. Wasn't sure if I'd see you.
Still alive? Because auto-erotic asphyxiation is so risky?
Well, here I am, for now.
BoJack... Wait. Did you fix the bed?
波杰克 等等 你把床固定好了吗
Yeah. I was at the hardware store
picking up supplies for my auto-erotic asphyxiation machine.
Because, as you are aware,
I'm preparing to auto-erotic asphyxiate myself.
And I figured I'd get stuff for the bed
so you could at least get a good night's sleep.
Wanna talk about the elephant in the room?
Wow. Okay. You know what?
醉了 好吧 你知道吗
You know what? Here's-- First of all--
你知道吗 我 首先...
Wow. All right, I can't even--
You know what? I--
He is never gonna forget that.
What is this all about?
This isn't about anything but the pursuit of the kind of orgasm
that feels like a rainbow with every color.
- So, a regular rainbow. - No.
So, if you don't mind, as long as you don't love me,
I have a noose to step into.
I just need to release this lever,
drop these bags of sand, which act as counterweights,
and then just pull this nozzle.
- Perfect. - Okay. Have fun.
-简直完美 -好吧 你好好玩
- Wait, Wanda. - Okay, fine, you stupid baby.
-等等 旺达 -行了 你个傻帽
But I'm not going to tell you not to do the funky Spider-Man.
- What? - You need to be responsible for yourself.
- That doesn't sound like me. - I know.
But if you love me, too, you won't do it.
- I thought so. - Okay.
Just for the record,
I never really wanted to do this in the first place,
so me not doing it is not a sign that I love you.
- It's just because I'm a coward. - Okay.
- I don't love you. - Sure, you don't.
I don't. Come back here. I don't love you.
我不爱你 回来 我不爱你
You don't make me feel less broken.
I singlehandedly got a
Lady Footlocker store employee a primetime show
and resurrected a certified dead man
and nobody cared.
- Why do I do anything? - Hey.
Do you need the movie star speech?
Okay. Carolyn, you are the star of a movie.
好 卡洛琳 你是一部电影的主角
This is the part of the movie where you get your heart broken.
Where the world tests you, and people treat you like shit.
But it has to happen this way.
Otherwise, the end of the movie,
when you get everything you want, won't feel as rewarding.
There are assholes out there, but in the end, they don't matter.
Because this movie's not about them.
It's never been about them.
All this time, the movie's been about you.
- Carolyn? - Yes, Rutabaga?
-卡洛琳 -怎么了 鲁塔贝格
I think Katie and I are getting a divorce.
Corduroy? I don't want this thing anymore.
Hey, you decent, man?