I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!
- I'm gonna come. - Why do you always announce it?
- What? - You always announce it.
- I do? - Always.
I don't know. I guess I just want everyone to be clear that, uh...
- That this is Gretchen's moment. - Yeah.
Gretchen has the floor.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. - Oh, yeah!
-好爽 妈的 -好棒
- I'm gonna... - No! Wait.
-我要... -不行 等等
Gretchen has the floor!
I don't know what to tell you.
We can, you know, both.
Like, at the same time?
- Why not? - I don't know.
I don't know. It might.
- Wait, I can't... I can't stop it. - Oh, me neither.
-等等 我忍不住了 -我也是
- I can't stop it. - Here I...
You had the floor.
Oh, stop. It's a soft case.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Might take a second. I'm gonna wash my legs.
- You mean shave your legs? - No.
Implying that you don't usually wash your legs?
You don't wash your legs?
No way. What am I, a sucker?
What, you take showers, and you don't wash your legs?
What am I gonna do, like, bend down and wash my legs?
Who has the time?
Yesterday, you spent two hours drawing a maze.
Yeah. And how do you think I had time to draw that sick-ass maze?
No wonder you haven't finished your book, Jimbo.
Too busy washing your legs.
It's book proposal. And it's nearly done.
Hey, I forgot to mention!
Sam and the boys are having a big secret reunion show tonight.
- You want to come? - Nope.
It's a really important night.
- Free booze. - I'll be there.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
No way! I didn't say it!
Uh, the night of Becca and Vernon's party.
We both said... You said it first!
I was blackout drunk!
- Why would you take anything I said seriously? - I seriously think
- that you may have a drinking problem. - I don't have a problem.
- You know what, I'm not gonna let this bother me. - Maybe you have
a "Believing things drunk people say" Problem.
I told you, from the beginning, I don't believe in it.
I might also have said that
I don't have an opinion on your pubic hair,
or that I was gonna help Edgar with his résumé.
Doesn't make them true.
Dude with his face in my business.
Just, um, you've been doing that for, like, a half hour.
Uh, uh, attention to detail. It's an Army thing...
When are you gonna do me already?
I like making you feel good.
Is this your way of apologizing
for backing out of moving in together?
If so, forgiven.
Anyway, who am I to look a gift... whore?
总之 我又不是婊子 怎么会不知感恩
- Gift head? - Gift mouth in the mouth.
Lindsay, come out here!
Oh. Okay, let me go put on my biking Spanx.
No, honey. You don't understand.
不是 亲爱的 你搞错了
Being back in this house, I realized
I created a life apart from you.
my Internet activity, my secret bank account...
All these separate things created malignant distance between us.
You're throwing away all your nerd stuff?
From this moment on, my sole focus
will be on things we can do together.
I have a very special evening planned.
- My special night? - Tonight,
we launch our life, truly together.
This is completely...
Why have you just thought of these now?
I'm more creative when I'm upset.
Having a problem is your defining characteristic.
No, I have a real problem.
Ever since they switched some of my meds, I've been...
having a little trouble in the bedroom.
What, night screamings? Sleep-to-rage?
什么 夜半惊叫 睡眠暴怒
Waking up thinking, "Why am I here?
Oh, right. Yeah, I'm freeloading off Jimmy."
Oh, my God! Jesus, man. Are you serious?
我的天啊 老兄 你是认真的吗
It's not like nothing happens,
but more like it starts to happen,
then it gets halfway there and is like...
"Nope, I'm going back to bed."
I've gone years now successfully never picturing your penis.
And now... there it is.
Just maybe try to...
kink it back into working order, huh?
What have you two tried? Latex?
Medical play? Size training?
Clit negging? Ladyboy?
Nothing. Just regular.
Well, then your penis is clearly bored to death.
Just try something.
Maybe start with some light role-playing.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try and finish my breakfast
好了 不介意的话 我要把早餐吃完了
without thinking about your penis.
- Béchamel? - Uh, I'm done.
- One, two, three. - I already have...
Let's do Lemon Drops next.
Don't you have work?
Have you seen what I do?
Now that you mention it, I've never known.
How does it work? Like, with Sam. Who pays you?
怎么运作的 比如你负责山姆 谁给你发工资
The company for which I work.
A company hired you?
They interviewed you and then offered you a job?
Let's try Cosmos next, like ladies.
Why are you asking me questions?
With this insane revelation that,
for some reason, you don't wash your legs.
No need. Water falls on them.
Anyway, had you not said anything,
I might have never known this fact.
So? The unknowable is terrifying, Gretchen.
所以 不明的真相令人恐惧 格雷琴
That's why humanity explores.
To shine a light on the frightening dark that surrounds us.
Thus, immediately upon learning that you don't wash your legs,
I'm now thrust into wondering: what else don't I know?
About me? Ooh, okay.
I dated two of the Baldwins.
I competed in the U.S. Teen Nationals for show jumping.
- In horsery? - Yes, horsery.
-马术吗 -对 马术
I did ink work for a professional counterfeiter.
I've never eaten a blueberry.
They are doll eyes. Think about it.
How do I not know any of this?
I can't do a cartwheel.
An owl tried to kill me at Bible camp.
- What? - Big sumbitch.
Sluiced right through the night air, silent as shit.
- I think there's still a scar if you want... - No, no, no, no.
-我觉得伤疤应该还在 你要... -不不不不
What kind of camp did you say?
Bible camp. See, my real problem is
I was wearing a headband with a cute little mouse on it.
Gretchen, are you religious?
I consider myself more generally spiritual.
I'm so glad you're my boyfriend.
Look, I know we weren't gonna say it,
I love you, Jimmy.
- I love you. - I knew it.
Psyche! Nice try, dummy.
上当了 想得美 傻蛋
I've had five shots.
I could fly a plane after five shots. Bye.
He doesn't remember saying it. Little punk-ass bitch.
I've done tons of stuff drunk, and it all counts:
my wedding, driving school,
all my dentist appointments.
Getting vag-fected by Paul's wriggly little jizz monsters?
No! Don't pinch me!
We are having this baby!
- It's a fresh start. - Stop!
- You bitch! - Quit it!
We're supposed to be having a meeting
about the secret reunion show tonight.
You're early. It's still my lunch hour.
I will eat those later.
You're not having this baby.
being keenly in tune with the human condition
means that after hearing this idiotic shit
for the past ten minutes,
Bitch, he does not love you.
When you say "I love you,"
it's supposed to be romantic and/or highly sexual.
Or when you're so overwhelmed
by what perfection is in front of you...
If you say the word "Jaclyn" one more time,
I will gag you with that raggedy-ass bandanna!
I've never loved anyone.
I guess it's because I never felt worthy of love in return.
Be the CEO of your own life, Gretch.
Don't wait for no one to say it to you.
Every morning in the mirror, I purse my pillow lips up
and stare into my apple juice eyes, and I be like,
"Apple juice eyes"?
Don't be trying to play like they ain't rich, delicious, apple juice.
That's why no one loves you.
Anyway, dudes don't say it with words,
they say it with actions.
Other bitch, get out of here.
We got to talk about the show.
I am all over it, Sam.
I have a press release ready to go.
It's a secret show!
No press release.
No industry whispers.
Then how will people find out about it?
Real ballers' fans find out clandestine style and shit.
Fetty Wap at the El Rey.
Schoolboy Q on the roof of The Standard.
Young Thug at Sufjan Steven's broth restaurant.
No press. All packed.
Okay, but that's not actually how it works.
It has to be pure.
It's a point of pride.
Prove to the world we ain't never slipped.
I was just babysitting next door,
and I got bored watching Hulu,
like we millennials do.
Geez, nice place.
Reminds me of my piano teacher's house.
Sometimes we sit too close to each other on the bench,
and our side-butts touch.
It's ac... it's actually my friend Jimmy's house.
He let me sleep here because I was homeless...
Dude, this is fantasy.
Yeah, this is my house.
Which I bought with a mortgage... money loan.
Yeah, well, I just moved to town to be a YouTube star.
Don't you love my widdle baby voice, Daddy?
What happens in the foxhole stays in the foxhole, right?
I'm not very good at this, which is weird,
because my character work
is what got me very close on three different basic cable
hidden camera prank shows.
No, no. It-It's okay.
不 不 不用了
Is this because I farted in front of you the other day?
Some of my new medications
apparently can have libido-interfering characteristics.
Well, can't you just get them to switch them?
They have been switching them
and switching them and switching them and switching them.
换来换去 换来换去 好多次了
Well, your body probably just has to get used to it.
I mean, they wouldn't have you on something
that makes you unable to have sex forever.
And, until you figure it out,
there's probably a pill you could take...
No, I'm not taking another pill.
I can't keep taking more pills and more pills
and more pills, okay?
Never mind. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's just hard.
No, it's not. Bad, Dorothy.
不硬啊 烂梗啊 多洛希
This door list is as white as your ass!
Where's all the goddamn people on this bitch, bitch?
You told me not to publicize it!
To normal people, stupid!
Where's all the media dudes and the influencers?
Our actor and athlete fans?
Where the hell is CP3 and Marcelo Huertas
- and Bradley Cooper? - Bradley Cooper loves us!
We got hella wasted with dude backstage of Elephant Man.
- You remember that? - Mm-hmm.
Where is Bradley Cooper, Gretch?
Where is Bradley Cooper?!
You forbade me from inviting anyone!
Not important people!
I hate you! This is sabotage!
Quick! Social media tsunami!
Yo. What's up, fans?
It's your boy, Sam. Come down to the Smear, now.
Secret show. Hella shrimps!
It's no use. We only got 20 minutes!
I cannot have snaps of an empty-ass show all over the Internet!
Get bodies in here.
I don't care how!
And don't forget Bradley Cooper!
You look positively ethereal.
to open my special prize and find out
what we're doing tonight.
Paul, this dress doesn't have a butt.
Red Napkin is the finest in seasonal, pre-portioned meals
delivered fresh, thrice weekly,
that you cook at home together.
My present is cooking?
Cooking as a family.
You don't seem excited.
I thought you were taking me out, like a fun party date.
We can't party anymore. You're pregnant.
Like we talked about.
This is the next phase of our life.
And we both want that.
- Gracias. - Gracias, mi hija.
-谢谢 -谢谢 我的孩子
You speak Spanish?
Who doesn't speak Spanish?
Look, Jimmy, if you're that freaked out,
we can just unsay it, okay? Poof! Unsaid.
我们可以撤回那些话 好吗 撤回了
I'm not gonna start pretending.
I might as well start pretending there's a person
who lives in the clouds who cares whether we survive cancer or not.
We are strangers, Gretchen.
Bullshit. We know each other.
We live together, we trust, blindly.
But it's based on what? It's actual madness,
willingly living with a wild animal but one with thumbs
who can steal your money and hurt you emotionally.
So what changed? Why are you suddenly so freaked out now?
What? I don't like that. Stop doing that!
搞什么 我不喜欢你这表情 给我打住
That's why you've been asking me questions all day?
You never cared enough to ask before.
You are showing me, not telling me.
Listen, those words--
they're like a-a verbal contract.
And I am not ready to make that promise.
If "I love you" Is like a promise,
it's just a promise to, like, try real hard.
Doesn't mean you can't fail.
Have you met me? The only way I can stomach
any of this is knowing I can just bail at any time.
We can just... bail?
Yeah. I always have one foot out the door.
Especially with us.
So you might just suddenly bounce?
I'm sorry for earlier. I reacted badly.
Yes, I did. And I'm sorry.
不 是真的 对不起
your health is all that matters.
We can just, like, have a nontraditional thing.
We don't have to have penetrative sex.
You know, you can just go down on me for hours, like earlier.
Or we can get one of those sex toys
that looks like a dolphin.
I am in this, regardless of limitations
or what we can't do anymore. Okay?
I have to hit the restroom.
♪ I'm Steph Curry rapping, getting digit, loads of paper ♪
♪我是球星斯蒂芬·库里 跨入数字时代 好多的纸♪
♪ Sippin' martinis, snuffin', huffin' giga-loads of vapor ♪
♪喝着马提尼酒 饼干 大量的水汽♪
♪ Don Draper ♪ ♪ Paper palace ♪
♪ Your house is all papyrus ♪
♪ House of cards falling down, round somebody killed Osiris ♪
♪ Medicare, Medicaid ♪
♪ And all social services ♪
♪ Nervous kid, I'll show your nervous grandma ♪
♪ Just what nervous is ♪
♪ Shit-talking cops like my name was Mel Gibson ♪
♪ Sugar tits, honey dip, choosy bitches prefer Tiffany ♪
♪大胸妹 真爱女 挑剔的贱人喜欢蒂芙尼♪
♪ I'm so sky high while my mind's eye is boozy ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi. ♪
Now, as y'all know,
me and these fools were beefin'.
But squabbles is normal in a family.
So during that time, we wrote a song
that really speaks to
the soul of friendship in this incendiary cultural time.
It's called "New Phone, Who Dis?"
Where's that simple-ass white bitch at?!
Here's the classic sound of the red-winged blackbird.
For our first meal, dear wife,
we are having hominy and poblano pepper posole,
with a warm mushroom salad and rhubarb grits.
Now, the chatters of a house wren.
I picked up a demi-bottle of Gewurztraminer.
Obviously, you can't have any,
so I SodaStreamed some sparkling water with yuzu for you-zu.
did you know an average ear of corn
has an even number of rows, usually 16?
And humans have 32 teeth.
How's that for intra-kingdom synergy?
I'm so happy I get to do this with you forever, wife.
We have menus for the next six months already.
Thus, there are no surprises, ever.
Menu number two is jerk venison with smashed yams...
and garlic-ginger okra. Yum!
以及蒜 姜 秋葵 好美味啊
Lastly, we have the warbles of an American goldfinch.
Meal number three is gomasio-spiced parsnip soup...