There's a topic we haven't broached yet.
How you seem to only own one pair of jeans?
You've been so focused on Jimmy's dad.
Has that stirred up any feelings about your father?
What about your mom?
I've noticed some tension around the subject.
My mom's a baller-ass boss. End of story.
Did you see Wheel last night?
Someone almost hit the million-dollar wedge.
I remember when they brought that out in '08,
I was like, "What? That is nuts."
我就在想 什么鬼 真是太疯狂了
So, would you say she's controlling, manipulative?
If I biffed a tennis match,
She would take away my sheets and pillows.
But that is what made me strong.
My friends had chill parents who didn't push them,
And now they're all unmotivated babies.
Maybe if they had a mom like mine,
They wouldn't be the pieces of shit that they are currently.
I'gonna fix those shitty babies, just like my mom would.
I would actually advise you not interfere with your friends' lives,
Too late. Doing it.
this is obviously not working.
The defensiveness, the mid-session naps,
The things you're writing on the bathroom stalls,
The name calling...
Oh, see, that one's on you.
You let a dog on the bed once...
No one is forcing you to be here.
Are you firing me?
You don't fire me. I fire you.
Wait. Uh, let's compromise.
If I fix my friends
and prove that I'm right about my mom,
Do you promise not to fire me?
I'm not firing you.
That is not a compromise.
And I don't agree to any of it.
Jeans are, like, 20 bucks at H&M.
Zoo Entrepreneur? What the hell is this?
It's a highly invigorating game
In which one builds a virtual zoo.
Mine's called "Jimmy's spectacular zoo of wonder
"and animal friends
Plus Cinnabons, parenthesis no Edgars allowed."
And you're a professional writer.
Gretchen, feeding the giraffe and washing the rhinoceri
格雷琴 喂喂长颈鹿 给犀牛洗澡
exercises everything that a writer needs for a productive day
Problem solving, imagination, word having.
解决问题 想象 创造词语
What's your giraffe's name?
- Necky. - Jimmy, you have a deadline! You need to be writing!
-小颈子 -吉米 你有最后期限 你得写起来
Gretchen, it's all writing!
Playing, literally, the world's most boring game is not writing.
You know what's writing?
Sorry, bor-- boring?
Why, just yesterday a seven-year-old
Fell into the koala enclosure.
But he sure was severely nuzzled.
Gretchen, what are you-- no!
No, plug the router back in!
My zoo is cloud-based.
You show me some pogress on your book and maybe you'll get this back.
But my female elephant has severe ADHD.
If I don't provide her with constant stimuli,
She'll suck all the hair off her tail.
What's your elephant's name?
Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.
Oh, that's so good.
Would you look at that?
A new poké place just opened up on Barrington.
Actor Peter Gallagher
has shaved $100,000 off the listing for his home,
which features mature fruit trees.
The bulky item drop-off event is next weekend.
We could dispose of the broken wine fridge.
Another iOS update?
These things are quite the nuisance, but...
- Choke me. ...- necessary for stability.
- Almost there. - Oh, my God, Lindsay.
-快到了 -我的天 琳赛
Did you know that every time you evacuate your bowels,
- You lose one-third... - Almost there!
- of the bacteria... - I'm almost there!
Isn't that amazing?
"Simon startled, pulsing with desire,
for he had dreamed of Kitty again.
He wondered if at that moment,
She was dreaming of him, moist and..."
This is the worst day for me to be absent from the zoo.
I didn't order extra pellets for the petting zoo.
There's no way that those goats don't develop a taste for human fingers.
Can't do this today.
You promised your agent two more chapters by the end of the week.
Well, we all make promises we can't keep, Killian.
like you, with your Presidential Fitness Challenge.
Ever since my dad's roast, I've felt odd.
Just aimless, but suddenly awakened.
Like I'm accessing areas of my brain
that have been shut off for years.
I feel like Bradley Cooper, you know, in that movie, uh...
- Aloha. ...- Limitless.
What is that body of water down there?
Is it some sort of public wash for the destitute?
Have you seriously never been to the reservoir?
There's a park, a running trail,
Well, that settles that. To the...
reservoir I shall go.
But I'm actually working on a new Dr. Weed video.
Did I ever tell you about my character, Dr. Weed?
He's this doctor who loves weed, but...
Do you have any extra foods?
Lindsay, you're a mess, right?
琳赛 你整个人一团糟 对吧
So, what is going on in your life
that I can berate you into fixing my way?
Well, I was having sex with this hunk named Raul,
and I was about to splooge,
but then paul kept talking and it went back inside.
I still can't believe you're cucking Paul.
- I'm what now? - Cuckolding.
It's a subgenre of femdom.
Well, whatever it is, Paul's ruining it.
I just want to be normal and cheat on my husband
without feeling guilty about it.
And here you are sulking about it like a loser.
You know what winners do?
They take what they want, no matter what.
So what are you gonna do about it?
tell Paul to go away the next time I want to pork a rando?
And don't you come back without results, young lady,
Or else no must see TV for you!
Why are you being so bossy?
Not bossy, lindsay.
You retrieved the projectile.
Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?
Okay. Our first letter comes from Randall in Lubbock.
"Dear Dr. Weed...
"Every soap I use in the shower
dries my skin out."
Randall, this is a very common problem.
My diagnosis is --
Twice a day, I want you...
to smoke more weed!
What's going on here?
Uh, just answering viewer mail.
I-I write the questions myself.
So what's the goal with this?
Oh, nothing. It's just something dumb
I put on the internet for my vet friends.
So you're wasting your most valuable resource...
- My talent? - Your time,
Edgar, this has potential.
Because, you know, I thought...
But just because you got Your period at 11
does not make you a woman.
Look, if you're gonna do these videos,
You got to do them all the way.
First, we're gonna blast the video sites
and anything veteran related.
I'll sneak it to some contacts.
You have a comment from a journalist.
"I'm producing a new piece on
how marijuana can help veterans,
and I'd love to interview you."
So have you reached out to him?
Nah. I don't really want that much attention.
Are you mad at me?
Sometimes I think I care more about this than you do.
No, no. I'm-I'm sorry.
不 不是的 真对不起
I was just nervous. I'll e-mail the guy.
Is that the shirt you're wearing?
Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it.
快投 快投 快投
Go in, go in, go in, go in!
Let's go. Let's run next.
Well, I am trying new things today.
Whose, uh... Whose squad shall I be on?
Screen, screen, screen.
Watch, screen, screen!
小心 防住 防住
What an invigorating hand sport.
How often do you, uh, you fellows play?
My-my team forfeits!
Bear, can we talk?
I love you so much.
And I want to keep being honest with you.
- Oh, god. - I just noticed
how hard It's been for you when Raul is around.
I'll spend time with him, or whoever,
somewhere else, so you won't have to watch.
You can't have relations with other men when I'm not there.
Well, you're clearly not enjoying cucking.
Which is what we're doing.
And it's ruining it for me.
I am doing the hard work to be a better partner
and tell you what I need.
And if you can't handle it...
I just don't know, Paul.
I just don't know.
This cucking is something many women fantasize about?
All of them. They all do.
Boy. Now I'm embarrassed by my prudishness.
Well, if this is an established, rudimentary fetish,
then I suppose I am up for the challenge.
I'm going to research this fantasy of yours.
I'll be the best cuck ever.
Are you sure it's not broken?
It's just a sprain. So what happened?
I was hooping "B-ball"
with some diverse local athletes.
I am so stoked you called me for this.
Well, don't have insurance, so...
Uh-uh. We made a deal.
- I'm not doing your podcast. - You promised!
I don't care. I'm not...
Although, before yesterday, I thought I hated dogs,
话又说回来 昨天之前 我还以为我讨厌狗
sports, hipster picnics and unrefrigerated cart fruit, too.
Do you know what? I will do it.
Hell yeah! This is gonna the best episode
since Adam Pally did that extended bit
where he pretended he was pissed
and didn't know why he was doing my show.
Okay, almost ready.
Edgar, tell the nice man what we talked about.
What's the blue screen for?
Edgar. You can ask him.
What's the blue screen for?
Oh, uh, we have a really cool digital set
that we composite in, like Tosh.0.
Just bring it up a little bit. Good.
So, can you introduce yourself?
Well, my name is Edgar Quintero.
6th battalion, 8th infantry.
And what's your experience with the V.A. been like?
The V.A. is a great institution,
but they're underfunded and understaffed.
People are literally dying
because they can't get the health care they need.
And how long have you been treating your PTSD with marijuana?
That's not really...
I'm just not comfortable being so open about my self-medicating.
Plus, this is all a lot fancier than I expected.
They got a blue screen like Tosh.0.
Honey... You're doing great.
Now, if you don't get back out there,
We are not stopping for milkshakes on the way home.
I have tried a bunch of treatments,
but nothing has fixed my PTSD.
Lately though, I found that s...
smoking pot has been really effective.
I even kind of feel like a real person again.
I don't know if marijuana works for everyone,
but it seems to be working for me.
Bedtime's for night.
As promised, wife, I've been researching
正如我承诺过的 老婆 我一直在研究
this cuckolding fetish we now have.
Certain men intuit
that they are genetically inferior beta males.
So they get aroused by watching their partners copulate
with someone of superior DNA,
Furthermore, I have a special present for you, my hot wife.
另外 我有一份特别的礼物要送你 我的娇妻
Where's my present?
The cage symbolizes the cuck's sexual inferiority
and genital unworthiness.
By associating sexual arousal with... extreme pain,
My body will slowly learn that I do not deserve
Part deux of my surprise.
You may take what you want.
This is humiliating.
Your genetic superiority is extremely emasculating.
Oh, boy, that's my wife.
I was not expecting this.
Dude, I have, like, 20,000 subscribers.
Vernon, the guest shower is
completely clogged by your curly hair.
I swear to god, if you're not taking your propecia--
Hi, Jimmy. Let's test your levels, huh?
嗨 吉米 我们来测试一下你的水平
You're on the podcast?
Don't sound so shocked.
I interned for Frosty, Heidi and Frank.
This is balloon knot media.
Welcome to Vernon down the house on balloon knot media.
I am Dr. Vernon Barbara,
joined, as always,
My lovely wife and sidekick.
Hey, Bec. Aw, did I say "sidekick" again?
嘿 贝卡 我刚刚又说"助手"了吗
Hey, Vern. Uh, yeah, you did, you stinker.
嘿 弗南 你又说了 死鬼
Visiting the man cave this week
is a very special guest; he's a best-selling author,
and one of my all-time best buds,
- So great. - So, Jimmy, where you from?
-太棒了 -吉米 你来自哪里
Uh, I'm actually from a small town outside Manchester.
Oh, Jimmy, you are just too much.
Ah, that is great stuff.
So, Jimmy, are you in a good place right now?
Even with the recent death of your father?
Oh, yeah. It gets real in the man cave.
He made Adam pally cry.
That guy's got some stuff.
Well, we had a memorial service the other day.
That helped me get some closure.
And why was closure important?
well, I guess my role in the family
was basically to annoy him, so...
So you could get the attention you wouldn't otherwise get.
Is that why you moved to L.A., became a writer?
Had your nipple pierced for two weeks,
or fostered that boa constrictor?
Sounds like quite the weight has been lifted off you, then.
Guess it sort of has.
So, what's next for Jimmy?
I've been working on my new book.
Although, to be honest,
I haven't been getting much writing done lately.
But I thought you only became a writer to piss off your dad.
Yes, I did become a writer to make him angry.
So, if he's gone,
why are you still living your life in reaction to him?
So, if I'm not writing,
because I have no one to write against anymore...
- That's what I'm saying. - That's what he's saying.
I can start over now.
Not in reaction to anyone,
But in accordance to my authentic self,
whomever I was meant to be!
What if what I was actually meant to do is...
I'm gonna stop you right there. Got to pay some bills. Bec?
我得打住你了 要接点广告支付费用 贝卡
This week's Vernon Down the House
is exclusively sponsored by Red Napkin.
Guys, I love Red Napkin, for so many reasons.
各位 我真的好爱红餐巾 理由太多了
You know how sometimes you want a za'atar-spiced fennel stromboli,
but you don't want to leave the house?
Hey, hon, you hungry?
Look at what you did.
Those numbers don't lie!
You know what else doesn't lie?
My name is Edgar Quintero, 6th battalion, 8th infantry.
Smoking pot fixed my ptsd.
The V.A.... expects all of us...to shut the hell up.
老兵事务处 希望我们 都闭嘴
Marijuana works for everyone.
People are literally dying
Because they can't get marijuana.
People literally... Dying.
They're... Dying. People... Are dying.
他们 死了 真的有很多人死了
You got me in with the pot people.
They're the worst people.
Worse than people who study abroad or atheists or...
Ooh, what about children of celebrities
who pretend that it didn't help their careers.
These pot activists leech off of people with legitimate problems
In order to further their agenda,
Which is just getting high!
Why did you make me do this?!
I was looking out for your best interests.
Yeah, well, I'm done with Dr. Weed.
If I quit every time my mother pushed me to do something hard,
I wouldn't have... I-I...
Okay, well, I guess I did quit eventually
To start doing drugs and having unprotected sex with college boys.
No! No more advice!
I was trying to help you fill your...
Look what I made! I went to kinko's.
Talked to some undergrads making a 'zine.
It's a lovely place. Anyway, turns out
那真是个好地方 总之 我发现
I've been living my entire life in opposition to my father.
And now that he's dead, I have no idea who I really am.
Am I even a writer? Who knows?
Maybe I'm meant to be a master carpenter,
Slash tree house architect, slash singer-songwriter.
Anyways, although my zoo animals are likely dead
Or escaped, I'd like to thank you for taking that router
And forcing me to explore the world.
I'm gonna go into the backyard
and test some branches for load-bearing capacity.
Look... Jesus christ.
Ugh, what is that?! What...
Order mozzarella sticks like a person.
Anyway, I-I don't want you to cream your jeans or anything
'cause I know they're your only pair,
But maybe my mom wasn't so great.
Seriously? What, did you hack my e-mail?
I mean, the pressure made me rad,
But have you ever slept with no sheets?
Five out of ten. Would bang.
Actually, That was the first time I fell into a depression.
it was after a tennis match and I had won,
But not by enough, 'cause it was never enough.
And my mom was doing this... this food withholding thing.
I think she saw something about it on a tv show
as a way to control your dog or something.