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- I know, I know. - I'm just glad you showed up.
-我错了 我错了 -你能来就太好了
The waitstaff was starting to get suspicious.
See? I'm not a liar! I do have a wife!
你们看 我没撒谎 我确实有老婆
All right. You're trying to embarrass me.
And I did. And now I'm fine.
- Hi, you. - Hi, you.
Long day at the office?
- I lost them, Indira. - No.
-调解失败了 英迪拉 -不是吧
In all my years of corporate mediation,
I've never been unable to
resolve a dispute before it goes to arbitration.
I'm Mary-Beth, the Mediating Maven.
I'm sure you helped them in ways you'll never even know.
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- I-- Don't therapize me. - But you're so easy!
-我 你别给我做心理咨询 -但你很好开导
You make me feel like I'm actually good at it.
What's going on with you?
- It's been a tough week. - Tell me.
- I shouldn't talk about my clients. - Come on.
What if you changed all the names
and identifying characteristics?
Okay. This is a story about...
Bo... Bo... BoBo, the Angsty Zebra.
So, it all started on Monday.
I was in a session with Diane--
Like Diana, Princess of Whales?
It's just so tough being Princess of Whales.
Like, I can't be all things to all whales.
- You're deflecting. - I'm not deflecting!
Let's talk about the BoBo tape.
What's the BoBo tape?
She recently came into possession of an audiotape
of her friend and co-worker, BoBo, the Angsty Zebra.
On the boat. There was a girl. In New Mexico.
在船上 有个女孩 在新墨西哥
And she trusted me. Also, I'm a zebra.
她信任我 另外 我是一匹斑马
- What girl is he talking about? - I don't know.
"Girl" sounds young, right?
Whatever it is, it's gotta be bad,
because, otherwise, why wouldn't he tell me?
Diana, you are not responsible
for the dysfunction of others.
I actually explore this in my book,
Are You Responsible For The Dysfunction of Others?
Spoiler alert: You're not!
I just wish I could talk to him about it,
but he's like an open sore.
Attention! As some of you might have heard,
my mom died recently.
I know you're very concerned,
but I wanna let you know it will not affect my work.
I'm here, and I'm doing fine.
I just want to focus on the show.
So, please treat this like any other day,
and be extra-nice to me
because I am a famous actor, not because my mom died.
Yes, that's what I'm looking for.
Just go about your business.
That's good 'cause I don't want to talk about my mom.
Hey. Did you hear my mom died?
Yeah. But you don't wanna talk about it.
No. Pretty weird she died, though, huh?
- Do you want to talk about it? - No. I'm just saying it's weird.
-你想聊聊吗 -不 我只是觉得挺奇怪的
- BoBo. I am so sorry. - And I so don't wanna talk about it.
-波波 我很遗憾 -我很不想聊这件事
Obsessed with my mom much? You're the one with issues.
I feel like he wants me to comfort him, but I'm still angry.
Maybe you could both use some space from each other.
Why don't you tell him you need to focus on your work?
What work? Flippy won't let me do anything.
Flippy? Are you okay?
Hey, what are we filming today?
Why is there a submarine set?
Why didn't you just write "Way"?
Okay. So, now we just need to come up with a scene
that takes place in a submarine.
Did you hear my mom died?
How about this? If he wants to talk,
and you don't feel ready to confront him,
tell him your therapist says you need space.
That's where I went wrong. I inserted myself into her story.
Don't beat yourself up. Remember what Doctor Janet said?
Tell me about your day.
You had a tough workplace mediation?
Whoo! The problem with these two
is they don't just work together.
They also live together.
What a beautiful morning!
Wait, wait,, wait. Hold on.
等等 等等 让我想想
If your story can have Princess Diana,
why can't mine have Emperor Finger-Face?
It's not actually Princess Diana. She's just named Diana.
I've been picturing Princess Diana.
Tell me what happened with Emperor Finger-Face.
He lived in the same apartment
as a Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning
in the shape of a woman.
Good morning, Emperor Finger-Face!
Good morning to you, Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning!
- See you tonight? - Afternoon.
I wanna talk to you,
so I set a meeting through your assistant.
- Have you seen my keys? - Butter tray in the fridge.
I think I put them there during one of my night terrors.
I don't have time to go to the kitchen.
I'll just hotwire my car.
- Hey, did you eat breakfast? - No time for meals.
I just grab whatever I can, whenever I can.
I know you're a gal on the go,
but even tangled fogs of pulsating yearning
need to eat right.
I'll get something on set.
Pinky swear? Ow! I poked my face!
I feel I'm having a hard time following the story
because of how weird you made the characters.
The important thing is that these two have been living together
for almost a year with virtually no drama.
In some ways, it's the most functional relationship
either have ever been in!
Oh, okay. I guess that's not that weird.
Great! Now, back to the story of the fog and the hand!
So. What can I do you for?
I have no workspace on set.
I was hoping we could allocate some money
to get me an office.
Oh, look, here's the exact paperwork
you need all filled out and ready to go.
- Okay. - Just needs your signature.
- Let me retrieve my pen. - Marvelous!
Yep, I am currently gripping my pen inside my jacket.
是的 我正握着我的笔 准备把它
Now to just pull it out and sign this document.
Just goes to show,
you get what you need if you pull the right strings.
- It was you! - What was me?
The last string cheese in the apartment,
I was saving it. And you took it!
And now you want me to give you an office?
What?! I didn't take your cheese.
Uh-oh, are we having a work-related conflict?
This feels like more of a
When I started here, I signed a contract that said,
all intra-office disputes must be resolved via mediation,
or failing that, forced arbitration.
So, then I... You're not eating.
I just...I keep thinking about BoBo the Zebra.
Okay, what happened next with BoBo?
Well, he wanted to get back to work,
but since Flippy had writer's block,
there was nothing for the actors to do.
How is there nothing to shoot?
So, what, I just have to wait around,
and be alone with my thoughts? Gross.
When I was on The Murder-Stoppers.
We had to shut down production
because Nick Nolte wouldn't come out of his trailer.
He wasn't even on the show! He was in one of our trailers,
and we couldn't get him out!
How hard is it to write a script, Gino?
"Oh, I'm Philbert, bang, bang. I'm a tough guy.
我是菲尔伯特 砰砰 是个硬汉
My wife is dead! Did I kill her?
Who knows? I'm cool."
That was pretty good. Can we just roll on that?
When there's something to shoot, we'll shoot.
Meanwhile, you wanna go bang
one out in your trailer? I'll get my diaphragm.
Nah, I'd just be thinking about my dead mom the whole time,
which would either ruin it or...
Oh, God, what if it makes it better? I don't wanna know that.
老天 如果更爽怎么办 我不想知道
- You want me to just get you some pie? - No.
- Yes. - Okay, big guy.
-好吧 -好的 大块头
Hey, Mr. Chocolate-Hazelnut-Spread.
Really sorry about your mom.
No, it's fine. I'm fine. It's really fine.
没事 我挺好的 真的挺好
It must be so hard to lose a loved one.
I, for one, never have.
You've never lost a loved one?
- When my mom got old, she moved to a farm. - What?
On the country, where she could have plenty of room to run free.
Why would she wanna run around if she's old?
You know, I never really questioned the logic.
My brother set the whole thing up. I haven't been able to visit,
but everyone in my family goes to that farm eventually.
Oh, dude, your mom's dead.
What? No. She's at a farm.
什么 不 她在一个农场
After a prolonged bout of Parkinson's. A farm.
Where they don't have telephones,
or the internet, and... Oh, my God.
也没网 而且... 老天啊
She's dead. My mom is dead!
Oh, there... There, there.
What's going on with this submarine?
My therapist doesn't want me talking to you!
- What? - My therapist, Dr. Indira,
-什么 -我的心理医生 英迪拉医生
says it would be good if you gave me some space.
Why would she say that?
Don't know. I'm just the client.
Her call, not mine. I should go.
是她是我意思 不是我的 我该走了
Everybody? My dear mother has transcended this plane.
I am incredibly fragile
and could use all the support I can get,
so if everyone could pay a lot of attention to me,
and ask me a lot of questions about my mother,
and maybe tell me stories about your mothers,
I think that would really make me feel a lot better.
Sure, Mr. Chocolate-Hazelnut-Spread!
- So sorry for your loss. -This is a very healthy way to grieve.
So, a brief recapitulation:
this is not a room for repudiation or condemnation
over string cheese appropriation accusations.
Mediation is an invitation for open conversation,
frustration de-escalation, and exchange of information,
which, in summation,
removes any justification for litigation
involving this corporation.
Nobody was going to litigate anything.
That's fabulous, because you legally cannot.
Now, tell me about your journey into the woods of conflict.
Well, this very Wednesday, October 24th,
I was excited to come home
to some string cheese. The very last one.
I'd been saving it all week.
- All week until Wednesday? - That is correct.
I measure my weeks Thursday to Wednesday.
- Why would you-- - Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning?
Emperor Finger-Face has the floor.
I was gonna melt it down
and then sculpt it into a Mozzarella Cinderella!
But when I got home, my string cheese was gone!
Doesn't mean I took it.
Tangled Fog, watch yourself. Or I'll turn on this fan.
迷乱之雾 注意点 不然我要开风扇了
Well, this morning you said yourself
that when it comes to eating,
you just grab whatever you can.
Can we use "I" statements?
Ai, ai, ai! You took my cheese!
You probably ate it yourself during one of your night terrors!
We know you opened the fridge.
You put my keys in there.
I can't eat while I'm terrified.
That's why I'll never know the delicious crunch of Count Chocula.
That still doesn't mean I took it.
- You will both have a chance to-- - Come on!
We both know you drift around the apartment
like you own the place.
- It's my apartment! - And it's my cheese!
Who do you think you are?
- I'm Dr. Indir-- - I know who you are!
You know how many therapists there are named Indira?
Google filled in your last name for me.
Why did you tell Diana that she needed space from me?
Would you like to have a seat?
No, I don't wanna "Have a seat," and here's why.
不能 我不想"坐下谈" 理由如下
Therapists are manipulative leeches...
So, when Jerry Lewis mistook me for the valet,
he was carrying so much pain I could never fathom.
And that realization
allows me to forgive. Not for his sake, but for mine.
让我学会了原谅 不是为了他 为我自己
Wow. How long was I talking?
I hope that was cathartic for you.
You wanna come back same time tomorrow?
Wait a minute, I see what's going on here.
Are you... my new best friend?
Ugh, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm hogging all the conversation.
There's definitely more to your story than mine.
Mine's more like a secondary story. A B-story, if you will.
I have a feeling it will continue to offer a light alternative,
as my story gets increasingly serious.
Let's continue to switch back and forth between our stories,
pausing at their most interesting moments.
That feels like the most natural way to have a conversation.
Well, while I was talking to BoBo,
Diana was trying to keep things together on set.
I thought it was my turn.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God. - Okay, cut?
-天呐 天呐 -好了 停
Why is Sassy saying "Oh, my God?"
I just figured, we've got all these people here,
we might as well film some stuff.
Presumably something shocking will happen, and then if it does,
we have a shot of you saying, "Oh, my God!"
- Makes sense. - Diana, can I talk to you for a sec?
-可以 -戴安娜 能借一步说话吗
I know you're going through something, and need boundaries,
but this isn't personal, it's about the show.
I lied. It's a 100% personal.
- What? - But it's good! You're gonna like this.
-什么 -但是件好事 你会喜欢的
- Remember you said you needed space? - Yes.
When you told me that, I didn't take it well.
But I made a new friend,
- so everything is good now. - Oh. Well, that's great.
I'm glad you think so because, fun twist,
很高兴你这么觉得 因为 有趣的转折
- it's Dr. Indira. - What?
I'm seeing Dr. Indira now,
as a friend. Dr. Indira's my new friend.
It's great that you would wanna talk to someone, and you should!
But she's mine. I really need her to just be mine.
- Can you understand that? - Yeah.
Diana asked me not to be friends with you,
so out of respect for her,
I think it's best that I continue seeing you behind her back.
We can still do our lunchtime hang outs,
but to cover our tracks,
I'll compensate you for your time on the books.
So it'll seem as if you have a client.
And, to be safe, we should
invoke a therapist-to-friend confidentiality.
So, in my dreams, I'm Philbert, and sometimes when I wake up,
I don't know if I'm Philbert or if I'm me,
or if I'm still dreaming.
Oh, that's our time of friendship hour.
I'm just so glad that I can
help break up your day of listening to whiny babies
with some entertaining lunchtime convo.
Should I have told him what we were doing was therapy?
On some level, he must have known what was going on.
What I don't understand is,
if you knew Diana asked him not to see you--
I'm a therapist. A doctor heals. A DJ spins.
我是个治疗师 医生治愈人 DJ打碟
Jessica Chastain takes whatever gig Amy Adams says no to.
My job is to listen.
And at that moment, BoBo needed someone to listen.
I know the feeling.
Okay, we've been going back and forth for two hours.
Can we take a break? I gotta use the bathroom.
Maybe it's just another hand down there! Guess I'll find out!
Why not just say you took the cheese?
- Because I didn't. - You want an office, right?
-因为我没有 -你想要办公室 对吗
There's nothing wrong with telling a small lie to avoid a fight.
I do it all the time with my wife, Doctor, uh, Underwear.
I love your new hairstyle, honey.
Did you not like my new hairstyle?
Oh! Um... Back to my story...
All you have to do is tell Emperor Finger-Face
what he wants to hear.
Fifty-nine cents worth of edible string for a brand-new office?
Wouldn't you take that deal?
So, turns out I can use the bathroom,
but it comes out in tiny cubes!
Hey. I took the string cheese.
Wonderful. So, she can replace the cheese
and you'll give her an office. We did it!
Great! Let me just grab my pen.
But even if I did take the
- cheese-- - Which you just admitted you did!
Would I be in the wrong?
I mean, it is kind of a "Fair game food," Don't you think?
- What? - It's not like it's a sandwich.
Some foods are just widely understood to be up for grabs.
- No. You guys. - Okay.
-不 你们两个 -好吧
Well, then let's make a list of fair game foods.
Grapes. Fair game. Eggs. Fair game.
葡萄 公共的 鸡蛋 公共的
An unsliced pie. Not fair game.
A sliced pie. Fair game. The last slice. Not fair game.
切开的派 公共的 最后一块 非公共的
Then let's also make a list
of what's fair game to me in my apartment.
Oh, that's right, everything, you literal knucklehead.
对 所有的一切 你个大笨蛋
Oh, ho-ho! That's a solid diss coming from a gas.
Please, you two, we can still reach an agreement.
拜托 你们俩 我们还是能达成一致的
I think this might go beyond simple mediation.
- No! - Damn it, we're going to arbitration!
-不 -该死 我们进行仲裁吧
Hey, Flippy. I got everyone saying,
"Oh, my God." How's it going in here?
"Interior sub. Philbert. Philbert.
"中间补充 菲尔伯特 菲尔伯特
Flap, flap, Flippy, flap. Fart. Barf.
拍 拍 弗利皮 拍 屁 吐
Barf me a river, fartbag."
What's going on in here?
If it relieves any pressure,
I don't know that everyone thinks you're a brilliant genius.
I think we need to simplify.
Let's start with Fritz. Is he a ghost or is he not a ghost?
Can't he just be a ghost?
So, why is Philbert seeing a ghost?
Maybe he feels haunted?
And Fritz represents that? What is haunting Philbert?
That's great. But also... Maybe something involving a submarine?
很好 但... 也许是某个涉及水下的东西
Hey, are we about to shoot something?
I'm meeting a friend for lunch.
Just a friend. You don't know her.
It's gonna be a while still.
Flippy is working through his "Process." And I am helping.
Sounds good. Just remember,
you are not responsible for the dysfunction of others.
I'm just saying don't let him get you down.
Where did you hear that? About the dysfunction of others?
I don't know. Just around. It's a thing people say.
Hey, are we gonna get new pages today or what?
W-w-wait, did you say "Princess Carolyn"?
I'm sorry, "Priscilla Crustacean."
Vamanos, on the pages, okay?
I've been here all day today,
Wednesday, October 24th,
waiting for something to shoot. Andele, andele, andele!
I think your Priscilla Crustacean is the same person
as my Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning in the shape of a woman!
And if she was on set all day Wednesday, that means--
Bu-- Hold on, I'm getting to the juicy part.
As soon as I get the thing, I don't want it anymore.
It feels cheap. So, no, I wouldn't like a bottle of water.
感觉廉价 所以 我不想要瓶装水
- I knew it! - Diana! Let me explain.
-我就知道 -戴安 容我解释
How long has he been your client?
- Not a client. - Three--
Days. Friends for three days.
I asked you not to see her.
I asked for one part of my life that I could have to myself.
News flash, you're not the only one going through shit.
Maybe if I could talk to you,
I wouldn't need to be looking for other friends.
Diana, is there anything you'd like to discuss with BoBo?
We can do it right here. This is a safe space.
No. This doesn't feel like a safe space anymore.
I can't keep coming here if I know you're also seeing him.
Then it sounds like our time together is done.
You're setting a boundary.It is good.
Go forth with the tools I've given you.
Live your life, Diana. Like a candle in the wind.
尽情生活 戴安 像风中的蜡烛一样
I can't believe this is happening.
I think BoBo needs me more.
- Would you like validation? - No.
Your validation is worthless to me now.
You two deserve each other.
Oh, you meant parking validation. I actually would like that.
Wow, I can't believe you
chose BoBo over your client of seven years.
At a certain point,
I can't hold myself responsible for other people's dysfunction.
I mean, that is kind of your job.
But at least now you can help the Angsty Zebra, right?
Okay. Now for the real work to begin.
You did the hard part, admitting you need help.
And now comes the even harder part, getting the help.
Let's talk about your mother.
You know what? This has been great.
I got what I wanted and I made so much progress!
So, I think I'm done?
- Yes. You did it! - I--
-是的 你成功了 -我
You changed my stripes! Dr. Indira, you're great at your job!
你改变了我 英迪拉医生 你做得很好
- Goodbye forever. - W-w-w-wait!
-永别了 -等 等等
I can't believe I lost two clients in one day.
You're focusing on the negative.
I'm sure you helped them in ways you'll never know.
This area's all mine. This is fair game. Ya see the line?
这边是我的 这边公用 看到界线了吗
What about popcorn?
Popped is mine. Unpopped is fair game.
Princess Carolyn was on set all day,
the day of the string cheese theft.
She was not home when the cheese went missing,
rendering any arbitration
agreement made under those conditions null and void.
Whoa! Thanks a lot, Mary-Beth.
Just doing my job, kid.
A doctor heals. A DJ spins.
Bryce Dallas Howard takes the gigs
Jessica Chastain says no to.
And Mary-Beth mediates.
So, it sounds like you didn't take my string cheese.
That's what I've been saying!
I don't even know why we had to
go through corporate mediation in the first place!
I guess I just I wanted it to be a workplace dispute,
because I thought if you knew it was a roommate dispute,
you might kick me out.
I'm not gonna kick you out. I like having you around.
Who else would I get to keep my keys cold?
You know, I have this job now.
Maybe I could start paying, I believe it's pronounced "Roaunnt?"
Rent? Well. That's a great idea.
But I also need my own space.
Which is why I wanted that office.
Well, then, let's get you that office.
I just need to grab my pen.
Hey. I want to apologize... for my behavior at Dr. Indira's.
- Don't worry about it. - She was right.
You need her more than I do. And I think she can really help you.
I was looking for someone to hang out with during my lunch.
I didn't want some psycho-babbling quack job
telling me to get in touch with my feelings.
- Who needs that? - I do. I need that.
-谁需要那个啊 -我 我需要
You don't anymore! She said it herself, you're fixed!
你不再需要了 她也说了 你被治愈了
And then after you left, I was like,
"Hey, if Diane doesn't need this, I don't need this."
Yeah, I'm not someone therapy works on. I might be too smart.
Oh, my God. You haven't changed at all.
Whoa, whoa. Diane, no, no. I'm not the problem here.
戴安 不 问题不在我身上
None of this would have happened
if I felt like I could talk to you,
找你 我的朋友 好好说一说
my friend, after my mother died.
So, would you like to talk about your mother?
No, I'm just saying as an example.
Why do you bring things back to my mother?
I can't keep playing this game with you.
You say you wanna get better and you don't know how.
Well, here's me, your friend, telling you how: get therapy.
Otherwise, don't waste my time.
Uh, you heard Dr. Indira. She said we don't need her.
She said I don't need her!
I know, but you're just as screwed up as I am.
- So, if-- - I am not as screwed up as you are.
Diane, it's me. Come on. We're the same.
戴安 是我 拜托 我们都一样
We are not the same!
That's good stuff. We're doing it, Diane. We're doing it!
写得真棒 我们可以的 戴安 可以的
I wanna thank everyone for being so kind this week.
Losing a mother is not easy,
but I am so lucky to have
the support system of my Philbert family.
You know who I really feel bad for is my dad.
He's out on that farm all by himself,
and-- Oh, my God. My dad is dead!
Cheer up, everyone!
- We got new pages! - All right!
We're gonna film in the living room
with Philbert and Sassy Malone first.
We're moving into the submarine for the flashback.
No time to learn lines. We gotta make up for the lost days,
so we're gonna put the whole thing on cue cards. Let's go!
All right, everybody stand back.
We need lights on the living room!
Tell me what happened in the submarine, Philbert.
We were doing a routine submarine sting operation.
Things got outta hand.
Hey. Who do you work for?
Well, I sure as hell don't work for tips.
Okay. Hey, Fritz. Be cool. Everybody cool.
弗里茨 冷静点 大家都冷静点
We are in a pressurized submarine
in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.
- Oh, my God! You killed them all? - We had to.
-天啊 你把他们都杀了 -不得不杀
I wonder if they had kids, families who will never know--
不知道他们有没有孩子 家人 永远不知道
Can you just say the lines, please?
Barf me a river, fartbags.
We gotta make this look like an accident.
You grab the contraband, I'll set up the explosives.
I went to the room where they were keeping the stuff.
- Only there was no stuff. - Oh, my God!
There was a girl there. She couldn't have been older than 17.
Bring in the girl!
What? What is this?
Keep going! We gotta get this tonight!
They weren't smuggling drugs. They were smuggling... her.
- Hey. Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. Just do the scene.
-你没事吧 -我没事 照剧本来
I told her it was going to be okay.
And... she kissed me.
What did you do to her, Philbert?
Nothing. Like I said, she kissed me.
没做什么 我说了 她亲了我
- Kiss her back. - What?
We need to get you kissing her back.
- What? - Kiss me, you idiot.
-什么 -亲我 笨蛋
This whole thing is gonna blow. We gotta bounce, friendo.
这儿要爆炸了 该走了 朋友
If Fritz hadn't come, what would you have done with the girl?
Part of me is sure I couldn't go through.
But another part knows that's a lie.
We can't just leave her here.
Use your brain, Philbert!
Malone, you gotta believe me. I'm a good guy.
马龙 你要相信我 我是个好人
If I'd known she was there, I never would've--
- Tell me what happened. - I'll be back.
- You wait right here. - Come on, loverboy.
-在这里等着 -走吧 情圣
You kissed a young girl and then left her to die.
I'm a good guy. I didn't know that she was--
You have to understand, I'm a good guy.
- She trusted you. - How do you make something right
when you've made it so wrong, you can never go back?
How did you come up with all this?
It's a story I heard once. I just changed all the names.
I'll never forget that night on The...
U.S.S. New Mexico.
Why are you telling me all this?
It's just good to have someone to talk to.
Amazing! I'm a genius!