Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again.
Jay, check out this cartoon.
Does it have a talking dog?
- No, it's a commentary on... - I'm out.
-没 是在评价... -我不看了
one of my best efforts.
Mm, I can't eat that.
- Why not? - The pickle's touching it.
The juice got on the bread and, ew, what's that stuff?
面包还是沾到汁了 好恶 那是什么
They look like sea monkeys.
Have you ever really examine a jar of pickles, Jay?
It's like a swamp there. I'll pass.
I made him a beautiful sandwich and he won't eat it.
Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.
Joe is taking a nap.
I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.
Well, if you're passing a sushi restaurant --
I've never heard of anyone not liking pickles.
Aw, big day for you, then.
I'm just gonna make myself a grilled cheese.
I think I saw some Gruye in there.
Do we have any fig?
This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world.
Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.
You mean like all the cool kids
with their leather jackets and their pickles?
Well, you're gonna sit there
until you at least try a pickle.
You're drunk with power.
- Oh, no. - What?
The Tonys are coming.
Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them --
You're already so angry.
Anthony Lamarque, botox Tony.
They're coming to the wedding.
But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"?
Are we really doing this again?
I'm surprised that they're coming,
because when I mentioned the wedding to Tony,
he seemed completely disinterested --
Oh, the botox.
Your cousin Pete, all of his kids.
Everyone's accepting, Mitchell!
We haven't even gotten the list from my dad yet.
And your dad's friends drink like soldiers.
Because they were soldiers.
I mean, I am grateful for their service,
but we are not gonna be able to afford this wedding.
Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.
Uh, the centerpieces?
Why even have a wedding?
I don't know, Cam.
Because we love and respect each other
and we're raising a child together?
Do you want to help or not?
Maybe we could send un-vitations.
We've already made a lot of people angry
by just being able to get married.
Let's not alienate the ones on our side.
All right. Maybe we could sell something.
We're thousands over budget.
It would have to be something great.
Here, you can sell my diamond ring.
Oh, honey, that's candy.
I'm gonna kill that Jackson!
I do have something of value --
A "Spider-man versus doctor octopus" comic book.
Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition.
It's worth 5 grand.
I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old,
because the football was signed by Dan Marino.
I said, "Get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it."
My nephews are flying in from Tulsa
The pie eaters?
That's it. I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
This here is a belt buckle once worn
by the great Wyatt Earp.
My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old,
and he said,"Son, this will keep the bad guys away."
他说 孩子 这会保护你远离坏人
In my early 20s, I wore it to
a Cowboys-and-Indians disco party.
And let's just say it didn't.
No. I can't let you do that.
That means the world to you.
Cam, I will sell my "Spider-man."
Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned
by a legend of the old west.
I don't think your comic book
would even cover our balloon budget.
Well, that's very offens--
Wait. What's the balloon budget?
Hey, mom, can we put this stuff somewhere else?
It's cluttering up my room.
Oh, just some mementos of mine.
A few of your dad's.
- Oh, Zima! - Yeah.
Just a party in a bottle.
Man, that reminds me of some wild times.
Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn
before me and my buddies snuck some "Z"
into "Sleepless in Seattle."
I wish you'd covered my ears for that.
Ooh, mom. Who's this hottie with his arm around you?
Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.
Why'd you break up with him? For dad?
Let's just say he took his eye
off the ball and struck out.
So I stepped up to the plate
and nailed her in the cheap seats.
Yeah, let's not say that.
Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store.
Do you need anything?
No, thank you, my dear.
The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need.
Except for, uh, foot spray.
Could you grab me some of that?
What a dork, right?
What were you thinking?
It was comfortable. My dad didn't approve.
I know it's hard to believe,
but I was actually a bit of a nerd back in the day.
And it was suggested that I was out of my league
when I landed Claire.
And my friends. A-and my parents.
That is your father's answering machine from college.
God, I sometimes forget how old you guys are.
You've reached Phil's world!
Party time! Excellent!
Hi, Phil. This is Mitchell,
uh, Pritchett, Claire's brother.
I just wanted to thank you for setting me up with your cousin.
The only problem is she lives kinda far, so...
唯一的问题是 她住得有点远 所以
That's the only problem?
Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling.
Grab your rollerblades
and meet us at the bike path, playa!
But I got to be done by 3:00,
'cause today's the day I fly my new helicopter.
Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um...
I need to tell you something,
and I don't want to do it on your machine.
It's really important --
- Oh, no, no, no. - You know, life-and-death important.
Not death, um, just life.
I mean... I just -- oh, hell, I'm pregnant!
我是说... 我只是... 该死 我怀孕了
Oh, sweet newlyweds!
Don't worry. You don't have to marry me or anything.
Let's talk as soon as you can.
Why weren't we more careful?
Stupid Duran Duran concert.
I was conceived at a Duran Duran concert?
Classy start to a classy life.
You were not conceived at the concert.
It was after the concert.
Oh, wha-- in the car?!
It was a very nice car.
Listen, I am done. Stop snooping. I'm going.
我受够了 别再问了 我要走了
The seats folded all the way back.
I can't believe they kept it.
The answering machine.
You know, we could have some fun with this.
Manny, what are you doing sitting in front of a pickle?
Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.
Why do you torture him like this?
'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria.
This is good for him.
He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he likes it,
he'll try more things.
This is good parenting.
This is not going to play well in my memoir.
You know, you're one to talk.
How many times have I asked you
to try my mother's blood sausages?
Totally different. That's disgusting.
How do you know it's disgusting if you've never tried it?
You've never tried grandma's delicious blood sausage
that's right there in the freezer?
We do have some left over.
Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet?
Okay, Mr. Father of the year,
time for you to show Manny that you're not a hypocrite.
Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.
You know, you could've said --
"A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.
"酸黄瓜" 该死 就摆在眼前
Hi. Can I help you?
Um, I have something pretty special
that means the world to me,
yet I gladly part with it
to prove my love for my fiance
- Cam, you don't have to... - I do.
-小卡 你不用 -我要这样做
This is a belt buckle that was once owned
by the legendary Wyatt Earp.
And when my grandfather gave it to me, and rest his soul,
he said”son, this year is a
他说 孩子 今年...
I can't be here for this. You do it.
And get a price on that divine lamp.
Look, I didn't want to say anything
in front of your fiance
but this is a cheap replica
given away by a gas-station chain in the '60s.
There's tons of them out there.
It's worth about 20 bucks.
That family loves to dress up a story.
Well, how about a first-edition number 3
"Spider-man versus doctor octopus" in near-mint condition?
Uh, uh, that's pretty much it.
Why isn't she calling?
Aren't you the doubter?
She'll call in three...
did you mean to send this text to your dad?
Text? What does it say?
"I hate to spoil your golf game, but..."
Uh, no, no. I-I didn't send that.
Must have accidentally dictated
when you and dad were talking.
Okay. That's weird.
Well, while I have you on the phone,
would you mind emptying the dishwasher and doing --
Oh, you're breaking up.
Haley, can you hear me now?
- Got it. - Told you we'd get it.
Now just for a little creative editing...
Your mind is so brilliant.
If you put this much effort into your schoolwork,
there is no telling the things you could --
Why do you have to ruin everything?
I know, she's always talking about my potential.
Do you think I hit her?
Sorry I'm so distracted today.
What's wrong, buddy?
Let me ask you something.
Do -- do you ever get the sense
that your wife feels like she could have done better?
God, no. Nah, she's the luckiest woman on earth.
天呐 不会 她找到我算是三生有幸
I mean, if anything, I could've done better.
The noises that come out of that woman at night?
It's like she's that black guy from "Police Academy."
Oh, speak of the devil.
Message from my wife,
not the black guy from "Police Academy."
Oh, that'd be so awesome.
Phil? Hey, it's Claire.
Um, I hate to spoil your golf game, but...
Let's talk as soon as you can.
What? We're in the middle of a game.
I have to be with Claire!
I'm sorry I freaked out in there.
How -- how much did we get for it?
You know, here. I couldn't do it.
This belt buckle means so much to you.
I'm just gonna -- I am going to sell my comic book instead.
Oh, Mitchell, that is so sweet. You know --
The idea of me parting ways with a belt buckle
that my grandfather arm-wrestled Wyatt Earp for --
He arm-wrestled him?
Oh, yeah, but not in a contentious way.
You know, they were friends.
My grandfather saved his life during a train robbery.
A -- a train robbery? That's -- wow.
They had a real bond.
The great Wyatt Earp and honest Abe Tucker.
I have it, I'll store it,
and if I need to, I will use it.
You know what? I quit.
Pardon me for trying to broaden his horizons.
No, no, no. You're not quitting anything.
不 不 你绝对不能放弃
You're going to eat your sausage,
and you're going to eat your pickle.
I am tired of every day cooking two different meals.
No tomatoes. White meat only. Extra bacon.
不要番茄 只要白肉 多加培根
He gets extra bacon? What the hell?
Today is the day you two are stopping this silliness!
Fine, we'll all conquer something today.
What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.
- Pet Stella's belly. - What?
You won't touch Stella's belly.
Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing ever.
Has like 30 nipples.
I'll eat the blood sausage,
Manny eats the pickles,
you pet her belly.
I'd rather eat the dog.
Don't be a hypocrite.
Nice and long, like you mean it.
I want to see that leg shake.
- Let me get these! - What's happening?
- I'm just so happy! - Really?
Oh, did you finally get a hole in one?
I hope our baby has your sense of humor.
- Our what? - Why didn't I see it?
The drug store, the bloated ankles,
you've been so moody lately...
What are you talking about?
Phil, I am not pregnant.
- You're not? - No.
Well, why'd you leave me that message?
Didn't leave you a message.
Are you sure? You're very forgetful when you're pregnant.
I think I would remember!
Then why have you been so moody?
Maybe because you just told me I have giant ankles!
Shh, I don't want him to hear us fight like this.
Okay. This is gonna be good for everybody,
So let's get it over with.
We'll go on the count of three.
Why so moist, Jay?! Why?!
怎么这么湿 杰 为什么
Is this a bad time?
Sorry to barge in here like this.
I guess it's weird that, uh, I'm still storing stuff here.
I just wish you would have come in sooner
before I went to second base with Stella.
All right, I'll be two minutes.
If you need money for the wedding,
why sell something that you love?
Why don't you just ask Jay?
Why not? He's your father.
I don't feel right asking my dad for money, okay?
I'm an adult, and I have my comic book.
I hate to spoil your golf game, but...
Let's talk as soon as you can.
I can't believe they pulled such an elaborate stunt.
I don't know whether to be angry or impressed.
It's so diabolical.
I don't know where they get that...
We could really have some fun with this.
You know, it's funny,
I never saw you as a comic-book guy.
Oh, no, I wasn't, but I don't know.
He -- he spoke to me.
I -- I think it's because it's about this nerdy kid
who has this special secret side of himself
that he can't share with anybody, and --
And that's how I always felt.
Spider-man made me feel like it was okay to be different.
And...it made me feel tough enough to --
to get through the rough times.
Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet.
I didn't know that.
Are you sure you want to sell it?
Because, like Spider-man, I am brave and strong.
因为 就像蜘蛛侠一样 我勇敢坚强
- Oh! Spider web! Spider web! - Mitchell.
-蜘蛛网 蜘蛛网 -米奇尔
- Oh, Mitchell! - What?! Oh!
-米奇尔 -怎么了 天哪
Give me a break, Phil!
What do you want from me?!
- Shh! - I didn't say anything.
A little compassion when you thought I was pregnant
would have been nice!
I'm sorry. It was a knee-jerk reaction.
You got that half right!
Well, you're not pregnant, anyway, so who cares?!
And what did I say that was so terrible?!
Well, I believe your exact words were,
"Great, another kid that we could screw up.”
Oh, I'm sorry. But we both know that's true.
Wait. Are you saying we never should have them in the first place.
Like you never said that!
This is what you thought gonna happen?
I didn't think that far ahead.
I never do. You know that.
You should've stopped me!
You said this was going to be fun!
Nobody is having fun!
Careful?! Please, Phil!
If you hadn't gotten me pregnant,
I never would have married you!
I would have married Bobby Nash!
- You would?! - Oh, yeah!
And right now, I would be on my 100-acre ranch in Aspen
with my strapping 6'4" hedge-fund husband!
You really wish you'd married Bobby?
Oh, every single day!
Dad, are you okay?
That's what I am to everyone around here.
- Mom... - Just "Okay."
- Phil! - Hey, mom?
- Not now. - Phil!
You guys hear that? We totally got them!
Quick! We need a blow dryer!
Is this some sort of gay emergency?
No, dad, it's not a gay emergency!
不 爸爸 不是什么基佬紧急情况
It's my comic book.
We need to -- ohh, god!
Mitchell, it's okay.
It probably wasn't worth that much anyway.
It was worth $5,000! Your belt buckle is garbage.
It came from a gas station!
Your grandfather never met Wyatt Earp!
I didn't hold on to that for quite as long as I thought.
I -- I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.
No, it's -- it's okay.
I -- I kinda suspected the dates didn't line up.
Now I'm starting to think that wasn't
Amelia Earhart's compass.
I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can help you two out.
No, no, no, no, no.
不 不 不
We want to do this on our own.
Can I ask you a question?
Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Well, because we're only getting married once.
I'm just saying, why do you need to make into a spectacle?
This could be the universe's way of telling you
to bring it down a notch.
Invite your family, your friend Pepper,
and, what's his name, the -- the -- the flouncy one?
I don't have a flouncy friend named L'david, dad.
Do -- do you mean L'michael or J'marcus?
I'm not sure who you're referring to.
I'm just saying keep it small.
Why pay all that money for people you barely know?
Oh, oh, you mean like any of your friends?
Oh, please, you don't want any of my friends there.
Really? Because I've --
I've been asking for a list for months now.
So, so who doesn't want them there --
Why are you getting upset?
Because, dad, if -- if this was Claire's wedding,
you would be all over it.
You'd be wanting to have it at your club.
You'd be inviting all your friends.
I wasn't that thrilled when Claire got married, either.
"Either"? For god's sake, just stop talking.
"也一样" 老天爷啊 别说了
Everybody back off.
I don't think I'm out of line
suggesting my friends don't want to see
a father-son dance at a big gay wedding.
There is no father-son dance, dad.
I don't know what things go on there.
Do I walk you down the aisle?
Does someone throw a bouquet?
I mean, I'm just saying, I don't know
how this stuff plays out
with my guys from the club.
Oh, you mean the guys who sit around the locker room
watching football naked?
No! No! See, this -- this isn't about them.
不 别劝我 问题不在于他们
You are the one that's uncomfortable here.
This whole wedding thing is weird to me.
Now, see, why do you get to be you,
but I don't get to be me?
See, I didn't choose to be uncomfortable.
《Born this way》是Lady Gaga的著名撑同性恋歌曲深受广大同性恋的喜爱
I was born this way.
Are you really throwing a gay anthem in our face right now?
Oh, damn it. Give me some credit.
You know how far I've come.
I mean, what more do you want from me?
You know what, dad? Y-you do.
算了 老爸 你可以的
You do get to be you.
If -- if it really makes you that uncomfortable, then...
don't come to the wedding.
No! No, see? We're scaling back already.
别 瞧 我们已经在削减参与人员了
What happened down there?
In a fun way. We were both doing it.
I heard you this morning,
Talking about your super-cute boyfriend Bobby,
saying that I was the "Comfortable" choice,
that you only married me because your dad hated it.
I was not talking about you.
I was explaining to the girls
about an outfit that I was wearing in a picture
that was the comfortable choice
that my dad hated.
You can't possibly think that's why I married you.
Okay, I -- I get it a-about your dad.
I -- I -- sometimes I do wonder, you know,
if you hadn't gotten pregnant...
- would we even be here right now? - Yeah.
Well, I wonder the same thing, too.
Yes. All the time.
you and the kids were outside washing the car,
and you got in that soap battle
and everybody was running around laughing.
And I stood there at the kitchen window,
and I was thinking how lucky I am.
'cause I would have missed all of this
if I hadn't married you.
I knew you were watching.
That's why I dropped the sponge.
That's what got my attention in the first place.
You really don't regret not marrying Bobby Nash?
He was cute, but he was boring.
He never once made me laugh.
You laugh at me all the time.
I liked how happy you were
when you thought I was pregnant.
Do you think you could pick that up for me?
It's so far down here.
See? I told you they were gonna be fine.
- Door lock! - Run!
Hey, Phil, it's Mitchell, Claire's brother.
嗨菲尔 我是米奇尔 克莱尔的弟弟
I heard about your and Claire's whole pregnancy situation,
And I'm -- I'm sorry my dad didn't have a better reaction.
Don't take it personally.
He's just like that.
He'll -- he'll come around.
Yeah, okay, anyway,
uh, now that we're gonna be family,
it's -- it's probably a little weird for me to date your cousin,
so maybe you could ask her to stop paging me?
I know. Uncle Mitchell with a pager.
No, Stella. Okay? No!
不行 斯黛拉 别妄想了
Stella, I said no.
Okay, but just this time, okay?
And you keep your mouth shut about this.