- Hi. - Evening, folks.
-大家好 -晚上好 伙计们
- Come on in. - Hi.
Wait, wait! Hang on, guys! Wait!
等等 等一下 各位 等等
Don't you need to check I.D.s?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh?
Sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.
No. No, it's not for me,
and now I really need a drink.
Go on, honey. Show him your license. Go on.
来吧 亲爱的 给他看你的驾照
- Picture! -Oh? Somebody 21 today?
- Yes. Yes. - Military gal.
Welcome, Private Dorchester.
That is the wrong one.
- Hold on a second. - Put that away!
Yes, I'm a huge dork
for celebrating my 21st with my family,
But my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar with me.
Or just to go to a bar.
Aw, it's so nice what you two are doing.
My mother would have never taken me out for a drink.
Why? Was she super strict?
No, she would never see me as an adult.
Well, except when the police came to the house.
then, she would be like,
"Gloria, you go talk to them.
"Tell them your father was here last night.
But unbutton your shirt a little bit first."
Okay, uh, the craziest thing I heard --
and there is some competition there --
is that you think this lady treats me like I'm an adult.
Wait, I-I do treat you like an adult.
You made me change my shirt two times before we left the house
and force-fed me a cheese sandwich
so I wouldn't get sloppy drunk.
No, that is just one woman offering another woman, uh,
fashion tips and advice for casual drinking.
What do you know about fashion?
What do you know about casual drinking?
Okay, okay. That's funny.
See, I wouldn't have laughed
你看 放到以前 我就不会笑了
at that before 'cause you were a kid,
but now I'm gonna laugh 'cause it's funny.
Hi. Sorry that took so long.
We got trapped by those bridesmaids over there.
when you bring gay guys to a straight club.
We're like catnip to drunken
bachelorette party girls.
The problem is, they can get a little bit clingy.
But don't worry, haley. We are here for you tonight.
To Haley's first drink, huh? Salud.
-Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks again for driving me, Jay.
You've arrived at your destination.
Get it? 'cause we're in a German car.
I have lived a long, full life.
I will drive us into a wall.
Tonight, while Claire gets things started at the bar,
Jay is taking me to pick up Haley's birthday present --
Phil shopped around, found something very safe
and low-maintenance with lots of good reviews.
Till I married her.
I'm joking! You're not low-maintenance!
- I doubled down. - Oh, I heard you.
Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you,
you know, maybe hammer out some final details?
No. Deal's already worked out.
I'm just gonna pop my
[Herbie Hancock 贺比·汉考克: 钢琴家]
Herbie Hancock on a few forms,
and I'll, uh -- I'll meet you at the bar.
Great. Well, you don't need me.
Leaving Phil with a car salesman
is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce
and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.
Well, I-it all seems to check -- wait a minute.
我 好像一切都 等等
This can't be right.
Am I allowed to sign this with a red pen?
One quick thing -- if you really want to
do something special for your daughter,
what do you say we throw in some upgraded wheels?
How much would that cost?
How much do you spend a day on a cup of coffee?
Oh, for god's sakes!
- Jay? - Answer the question!
A cup of coffee? $3.50.
- Not you! - What are you doing here?
I'm just here to make sure everything's on the up-and-up.
Um, Daryl, this is my father-in-law, Jay Pritchett.
Jay, you don't have to be here.
It's all worked out.
Tell you what, why don't you throw in
those upgraded wheels you love so much,
lower the drive-off by $500, we call it a deal?
I'm sorry, but this is the best I can do.
Come on, Daryl. We're all businessmen here.
拜托 达里尔 我们都是生意人
We all know there's wiggle room
when we say there's no wiggle room.
So, come on. Let's see you wiggle.
I can't. I can't wiggle.
Jay, I've already wiggled him.
No, trust me, he can wiggle.
不 相信我 他能降价
I really can't. I --
Wiggle, Daryl. Wiggle.
降价 达里尔 降价
Do you know where babies come from?
Lily, I'm studying.
No. Why would you ask me that?
It's Friday night, and you're doing homework.
It's my senior year.
there'll be tons of fun Friday nights in my future
with artists, dignitaries, other scientists.
I didn't hear "Boyfriend."
You're 0 for 3. You keep hitting me in the face.
Or...am I 3 for 3?
Then what's the point of the apple?
It keeps you from moving.
Hey, guys, do you know where babies come from?
Lily, that's not an appropriate question.
Come on. Do you know or not?
Uh, yes. The stork brings them.
Hey, Lily, how about something to eat?
You want some chicken nuggets?
- Okay. - All right.
So, do you know how babies are made?
Yep, and I'll tell you.
But first, we're gonna need a pen
Well, you're gonna need to take notes, and I'm hungry.
Okay, we can't wait any longer.
We are dying to give you our present!
Guys, I said no gifts.
No, you said no gifts under $100.
It's just a little something from your supercool guncles.
There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle...
...giving a gift to a niece as hip and chic as Haley.
In the 10 years that we've been together,
we've only missed the mark one time.
Yeah, when Claire told us what to buy,
but we learned our lesson --
Ignore Claire and trust our gay instincts.
Oh, my god! So cute!
- Really? You think? - Yes! Totally! Super cute!
-你真这么觉得吗 -是啊 超可爱
Because we can return them if you don't like them.
No, no, they're good.
If we wore the same size,
I would have these on right now.
He's been gone a long time.
I think we hurt his feelings.
These guys don't have feelings.
He's back there making time with a secretary,
bragging about how he's taking a couple suckers for a ride.
Look. He was in the military.
So was Oswald.
that I'm gonna get you the best deal possible?
Why do I keep fighting you on this?
You know what you're doing.
I'm behind you all the way.
Well, I spoke to my manager...
...and I can't give you the wheels or the discount.
that I gave you the deal that's on the table.
Well, thanks, Daryl. You did your best.
谢谢 达里尔 你尽力了
I guess we'll just sign and be on our way.
- Or we can get out of here. - What?
I got a pal at the dealership closer to his house.
We're gonna take our business there. Let's go, Phil.
我们去那买好了 菲尔 我们走
I think Phil wants to take the car.
Don't tell Phil what he wants.
Phil wants to leave.
What are we doing? That was a great deal.
Wrong. Keep walking.
Jay, I need this car.
We're supposed to be at the bar in 20 minutes.
Calm down. He's not gonna let us leave the lot.
You can order your Appletini now
and be there before the ice melts.
You better be right about this
'cause you are dead wrong about Appletinis having ice.
Hey! Guys, hold on a second!
You forgot your sunglasses.
These aren't my sunglasses.
I cannot believe Haley didn't like the shoes.
Oh, come on. Of course she did.
No, she most certainly did not. She gave us the high voice.
不 我很确定她不喜欢 她用了高音
I invented the voice. I use the voice.
Wait. So, I can't pull off mid-thigh shorts?
Pull them off and give them to somebody 20 years younger.
What are you two giggling about?
Haley just asked me --
Oh, you don't want to know, trust me.
No, I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. Tell me.
不 我想 我想知道 告诉我
No, you'll just be all judgy
because you want me to be this perfect, little angel.
Oh, honey, no, that's not true.
宝贝 不 不是那样的
I know I have not done a great job of it so far,
but I meant it when I said
I want to have a more adult relationship.
I am sure the reason
why mom and I grew apart
is that she never stopped treating me like a child.
Plus, she was loco for Loco-puffs.
What, you do not have that cereal?
Come on. Haley, let me in.
Okay, fine, so we were laughing
because we were playing "Would you rather."
"Would you rather marry George Clooney
"or have the best sex of your life for just one night
- Who's that? - I don't know. Google him.
-那是谁 -不知道 上网搜一下
I'm going with Tom because George would
just want to talk about politics all the time
and Tom seems like he would quietly get the job done.
That's exactly what Haley said!
- All right! Okay! - Yeah!
Hey, you two! It's dance time!
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Yeah, somebody's hungry for a little bit more.
We should have just told them we're straight.
We met them because you accurately
identified the bride's perfume.
You two ready to tear it up?
Oh... Well, we're kind of doing our own thing right now,
- but thank you. - Come on, boys!
-不过谢谢邀请 -来吧 小伙子们
Who are those gays?
I don't know, but I like their look.
- Do you? - Really?
This guy's gonna get us the deal we want.
I had the deal we want,
just like your imaginary friend who never worked here.
Calm down. We're already up
three hot dogs and a pair of sunglasses.
Okay, guys, I ran some numbers,
and I can't come close to the price you had over there.
He was losing money on that car.
- Oh, my God. - Not helping.
All right, Tony, let's cut to the chase.
行了 托尼 我们废话少说
You either start negotiating,
or we're gonna walk back over there and take that other deal.
Well, if you can still get it,
yeah, th-that's what I would do.
You want to dance.
I don't mind. I'll lead.
好 我不介意 我先来
Sir even with the deep discounts we offer
during the hot dog-a-thon,
I have never seen a deal like that.
I won. What did I win?
I got to call that first guy back.
Tony, clock is ticking. Your move.
托尼 倒计时进行中 轮到你了
Could that be from your manager, huh, perhaps?
Uh, yeah, he says that unless you buy a car,
you can't have any more hot dogs.
Okay, so, a boy and a girl meet at a frat party
and they both think each other is totally hot,
so they pound their beers and head upstairs.
She's not hearing this from you.
- Why not? - You're too immature.
I'm not immature, butt face.
And how would you say it?
Well, I would say they meet through friends,
and after dating for an appropriate amount of time,
he takes her to a romantic french bistro.
- Then maybe, if the mood is right -- - maybe?
-然后有可能 来了兴致 -有可能
I just bought you a big french dinner.
That was your choice. I owe you nothing.
Your hand was on my knee the whole time.
What was I supposed to think?
I was expressing affection, not signing a contract.
This date is over.
Come on, sexy. Don't be like that.
不是吧 性感宝贝儿 别这样
Make a baby with me.
What is going on in here?!
Can I just say that I'm glad they didn't come get us?
Exactly. Who needs those clingy broads?
"Broads"? Does anyone say "Broads" anymore?
I don't know. I was trying something.
You know, maybe they just saw us with Haley and they were like,
"Hey, let's give those guys some space."
Or they already knew those gays.
Or they thought those young guys
would be better dancers than us.
No, no. Since when does young equal better?
Let's show them what we got.
Hey, real quick... what have we got?
Um, well, I can raise the roof and do the cabbage patch.
Okay, and I can do the "Single lady" hand thing.
Yeah, but put your neck into it
or you just look like the queen waving.
- Oh, good point. - Okay. Now you're ready.
-说得对 -好了 你准备好了
- Hey, ladies! - Hey, single ladies!
Oh, thank God. We need to tap out.
Yeah, these chicks latched on and won't let go.
You know how they are with us.
No, you don't have to tell us.
We couldn't get rid of those three all night.
So, why don't you guys go ahead and split?
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go.
-你们确定吗 -对啊 快走吧
- Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thank you.
-当然 当然 -谢谢
- We'll hold it down. - Yeah, yeah.
Boys, where are you going?!
- You guys, don't go! - Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, ladies,
-你们别走 -别担心 女士们
because we are here now and we are ready to boogie.
We're gonna go hit some clubs now.
Oh, clubs. That sounds rad.
- Cool. Super dope. - Yes.
You guys have fun.
Stop. We're gancient.
- Dylan? - Yep. Swear it.
-迪伦 -是啊 跟你发誓
Like you cannot believe.
You know what? I kind of get him now.
I always got Dylan.
Careful. You're like my grandma.
Easy. I have stabbed closer relatives than you.
I can't believe I'm talking to my mom about this.
Honey, I told you,
you're a grown-up now.
I'm gonna respect your decisions,
and let you live your life.
It's the best gift I can give to you
on your 21st birthday,
my friendship and unconditional acceptance.
That means so much to me right now.
- You know why? - Why?
Because I want to get a tattoo tonight,
and I was afraid you'd say no.
How could she say no
after everything she just said to you?!
How could I say no? Is there a way?
Oh, my God, mom, this is the best present ever!
天哪 妈 这是你送我的最好的礼物
Could tonight get any better?!
Yes! She can pay for it
so you can get a really big one!
Phil, where are you? You have to get down here
菲尔 你在哪 你得赶紧过来
and stop Haley from getting a tattoo.
What, no, you stop her!
I made a commitment to being her friend.
Why would you do that?
I don't know. I was trying something.
Just get down here with that car, and we can distract her.
but your dad played hardball
How on earth did you let that happen?!
I don't know. Why don't you ask
the tweety bird on Haley's neck?
Oh, God, not the neck.
She's a tough-enough hire as it is.
Fine, y-you deal with the car. I'll deal with the tattoo.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
No, no, no, no. I'm done listening to you.
I had a great deal.
You know how I know?
I called the salesman at the first dealership
while you were sneaking your third hot dog,
and it already sold.
Fine. We don't need it.
we tell them Haley is really sick.
Oh, my God, you're sick.
Good thinking! I'll be sick
cause nobody cares about people they can't see.
I researched that car online for weeks,
and then you swoop in with your tough-guy swagger
to teach me a lesson about buying cars in the 70s!
You know, this all happened because of you,
sitting there, covered in sweat and fear,
undercutting my every word.
Now, if you want a really good deal,
you park your butt out here, play on your internet.
I'm going old-school on this sales weasel,
and I'm gonna break him in half.
Is somebody helping you?
Yes, thank you so much.
Okay, I am technically in charge tonight,
so no one tells Lily
where babies come from.
I could not agree more.
I don't know why you Americans
are so uptight about sex.
Sex is confusing for young people,
and she doesn't need to learn from two fuzz-staches
who barely know anything themselves.
Excuse me, you might want to
check my browser history.
I've done some research.
Oh. Well, great. I'm just gonna go vomit forever now.
What are you guys doing?
- Nothing. -Just talking.
Not really anything.
Can we finish our conversation?
No. Lily, I'm sorry, but if you have questions,
不行 莉莉 抱歉 如果你有问题
you're gonna have to ask your dads.
You don't know, do you?
- I do so. - Uh-huh, I know.
No, we don't. Right, guys?
不 我们不知道 对不对
- No, I guess not. - No.
That's embarrassing. Want me to tell you?
Hey, that's why you asked if we knew where babies came from --
Because you wanted to tell us?
Yeah, you're old. You should know.
是啊 你们都这么大了 该知道了
But you might want to sit down for this.
I found a tattoo shop nearby.
It has four stars on Yelp, and it has military discount.
Well, Private Dorchester reporting for duty.
You are just so helpful tonight, Gloria.
- You know what else you should do? - Another idea.
You should do mother-and-daughter tattoos,
like -- like, uh, two halves of a heart.
Or the moon and some stars.
Or, like, a bird and a rifle.
Oh, my God, let's do that!
I mean, not that, but, like, let's get matching tattoos!
I want to do that with you.
- You do? - Yeah!
It could be, like, our special thing
that we have for the rest of our lives, just us.
And no matter where we go or what we do,
when people ask us about our tattoos,
we can say that they're from
the best night of our lives together.
I want to do it with you. Will you?
I can't believe this, but I will. I will.
不敢相信 但我愿意 我愿意
I will 'cause I love you.
- I love you, too! - I love you. I love you.
-我也爱你 -我爱你 我爱你
- They also have piercing! - Enough.
I don't even need to be cool anymore.
Yes, exactly. Why? Who cares.
是啊 有什么意义呢 谁在乎
Besides, isn't the cooler thing not caring
Yeah, and if the new cool is not caring,
then I'm supercool, not that I care.
Hey, guys! Guess what. We're getting matching tattoos.
Love it. We're doing it, too. We need this.
不错 我们也要 我们需要弄这个
- Are you serious? - Are we serious?
As serious as Bert and Ernie.
It was supposed to be such a great moment for me as a dad.
I was gonna walk into that bar,
give my daughter her new car keys, and say,
Chug that drink. We're going for a spin."
Phil, put these in your purse.
I just beat your unbeatable deal by 500 Samolians.
Stick that in your internet.
- What? - This guy's a bulldog. He wore me down.
-什么 -这家伙太强了 说服我了
Don't be too hard on yourself. You never stood a chance.
Hop in. I'll give you a walk-through.
Some more good news for you -- your father-in-law
also talked me into two years of free satellite radio.
Of course he did. The guy's always one-upping me.
I work for months getting the best deal.
He walks in, bullies you down,
and proves what a pushover I am.
Let me just show you this horn.
Why? Did he get an upgrade on --
My father-in-law can be a jerk, too, so I got to say something.
You got a much better deal than he got.
He came groveling into my office
and begged me to lie
and say that he got the better price,
but he paid me the difference.
How much more did he pay?
Oh, my God, he really cares what I think about him.
- More than you know. - That is one beautiful man.
Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh?
Oh! Uh, the tattooing --
It does really hurt.
I don't think I drank enough.
So, a couple of firsts tonight.
Okay, what should we get?
It needs to be something important to us.
I-is Nelson Mandela still in jail?
I think it should be something just a little more personal.
Okay, what about lilies for Lily?
好吧 那百合怎么样 代表莉莉
Be faster just to get the word "Gay".
I hope everybody's ready! So beautiful.
Well, check it, losers.
Ay, I'm so proud of you. I can't believe you did this.
- I know! I know! I know! - It's very sexy.
-是啊 是啊 是啊 -好性感
- Very nice. - Yeah.
Well, it is sanskrit for "Mother".
And Haley's gonna get one that says "Daughter."
I-I'm not totally sure I'm not bailing.
No. No, you're not.
But it just looks super painful,
a-a-and this is nothing to do with you,
but I don't think I want a tattoo when I have old skin.
Haley, if you don't get "Daughter",
it's gonna look like I did this for my mother,
and then I'm gonna have to saw my leg off.
Or you could just add to it.
Hey, what's sanskrit for "Issues"?
Haley, come on. You're up. Let's go.
海莉 快 到你了 纹吧
I don't know, mom. It's --
Now that I see it,
it's so permanent.
Young lady, I swear to god I will spank you.
No, my god! Is that for me?!
Happy birthday, sweetheart!
Thank you so much! I love it!
Please tell me you didn't get a tattoo.
No, but talk to mom,
'cause she's trying to make me.
- Oh, it's so cute! Can I take it for a ride?! - Of course!
-好酷炫 我能开吗 -当然
When I grow up, I want to have kids.
You're not going anywhere. You've been drinking tonight.
Only 'cause you made me.
What are you trying to do to her?
Well, first, I want a perfect husband...
How about you guys? Come on.
You're gonna get your tattoo, right?
We realized we don't need one to be cool.
It seems sort of desperate.
But yours is cute.
- Super cute! - Yeah.
...Someone who takes care of me.
Ay, Jay. I'm tired. I'm hungry. Take me home.
杰 我好累好饿 带我回家吧
Come on. We'll get you a big bowl of Loco-puffs.
And then we're gonna make a baby...
...Which is easy.
You just put eggs and tadpoles
and the woman has to drink it.
Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on their bed.
然后 男女亲吻 跳上床
After a year, she pees, and a baby comes out.
一年后 女的尿尿 宝宝就生出来了
- Oh, my god. - Okay, then.
Now that Claire has a tattoo,
I can finally get one of my own!
So, I've been trying to think of a phrase
that sums up the way I live my life.
I don't think small. I don't do things halfway.
I'm not afraid of taking risks.
So, then, I was trying to think of
the perfect place to put it, you know?
You don't want to put it on a-a body part
that's gonna wrinkle or -- or sag too much,
and you don't want a place where
- if you wear a suit it will show. - True.
So, on my lower back,
I would put the words "Go deep,"
- Think about that. - I heard it.