Grandpa sent us another
postcard from his RV trip.
I wish the tour guide would have rushed more."
Phil, we have got to do something
about Amber and Ronnie's boat.
That thing is making it impossible
to park in our driveway, and it's an eyesore.
On the other hand, they're our neighbors
and we have to see them everyday.
I worry about...rocking the boat.
You know you can do better.
Keeping me honest. I love it.
Yeah, the boat is trashy.
Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand" for me.
You know, with sea levels rising at their current rate,
we should be glad we live near a boat.
Okay, so, that's three for "get rid of the boat."
- Luke? - Count me out.
This isn't a police state.
That boat isn't hurting anyone.
Here's all you need to know about that boat.
One -- Tammy Lafontaine sunbathes on it.
Two -- my eyeballs like looking at Tammy Lafontaine sunbathing.
Don't make me the bad guy here.
You know that obnoxious thing annoys you, too.
Yeah, it does, but we need to finesse this --
Be nice about it.
The last thing we need
is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors.
I'll put on the list.
Comedy or drama?
Depends on casting.
There's got to be some kind of regulation about this.
I'm gonna call the city.
That's a terrible idea.
Uh, no, a terrible idea
is a movie about a guy who can fax himself places.
Just the fax ma'am:《虎胆龙威》经典台词
'cause you haven't heard the title -- "Just the fax man."
That water can't hit us soon enough.
Hey, where have you guys been?
The San Vicente branch of the public library,
and then ice cream.
That was a weirdly specific answer.
Well, everything is normal.
Usually when everything is normal,
people don't respond in
perfectly rehearsed unison.
Now who's being weirdly specific.
Well, if you went to the library,
why don't you have any books?
I read "Clifford the Big Red Dog."
And I read Richard Chamberlain's autobiography.
Did you know he did Hamlet in London?
Yes, I remember you telling me about that
at the San Vicente branch of the public library.
Okay, well, why don't you go clean your room now, sweetie?
Lily, don't forget your backpack.
Cam, clown supplies?
Uh, yeah, those are mine.
We just had to pick them up from the dry cleaner.
Oh, my gosh, they must
have shrunk them in the wash!
Did they wash them 40,000 times?
It's no big deal, but I took Lily
to a junior clown college this morning.
Are you serious? Behind my back?
Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve.
What was I supposed to do?
Not take her because you know
how I feel about all this mumbo jumbo.
Mumbo Jumbo was like a father to me.
I have been very up front with you.
that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.
Yes, but then I finally
realized that you weren't joking
and we agreed that we would wait
until she was old enough to decide for herself.
You do stuff with her all the time,
and you don't ask me for my permission.
you took her to the doctor without even asking!
'cause she had an ear infection!
Let's say we're even!
You ate all of your blueberries!
That gets applause?
I just finished the Friday
crossword puzzle and nothing.
I guess everyone knows
Herbert Hoover's middle name.
Look what I got --
A throne for our little king.
Do we have to put the toilet on the counter?
I take my afternoon coffee here.
Let's fix one problem at a time.
I've decided to potty-train Joe.
It's too soon for a Pearl Harbor joke,
perfect time for this.
I don't want to rush him.
Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.
He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head.
I don't think he scares easy.
The kid's ready, plus, if I'm being honest,
I'm tired of buying diapers.
Excuse me, where do you keep the diapers?
Right over here, sir.
You trying to be funny?
We have larger sizes.
He's gonna do great.
There's no one better than Joe, right?
I'm better than Joe.
I was counting to 10 in three languages.
The bar is so low for that kid,
except when they play limbo.
they hold it up so high anybody can get under it.
I didn't see you there.
So, is that your creepy twin brother
who's been staring at me
from the window for the last week?
Uh, I could lie and say "Yes."
You could pretend you weren't flattered,
but why not just cut to the chase?
And what would that be?
I could maybe touch something of yours?
Sure, and I could maybe kick something of yours.
I like this tension.
Very "Will they, when will they?"
Go back to your room, little boy.
Got it. I'll see you from there.
Once we approach them with this,
it's gonna be awfully hard for me to log in
with my anonymous call to the city.
You're not gonna have to report anyone.
Call me David Copperfield,
'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.
Hey, neighbors. I made you some banana bread.
Oh, I love banana bread.
We have this at our dispensary,
except we got weed in it.
But we could give this one to our kids as a trick.
This boat is really something.
You know what we call her?
- "Jackpot"! - 'Cause you sell pot.
Holy cow, we never thought of that.
This is the best day of my life!
Permission to come aboard and check her out?
That is, if you're talking about my boat and not my wife.
Ooh, yeah, you can't climb aboard me.
Well, not in the driveway, anyway.
- This is so great. - Yeah.
Did you do something new with your hair?
Did you get a new wig or something?
Sweet boat like this belongs in the water, am I right?
Well, you know, people who put their boat in the water,
they only use it on the weekend.
We get to use this baby every day.
visiting this boat every day in the marina?
You spend a bunch of money on something,
you want people to see it.
That's why I wear low-cut tops.
I just got to be honest.
We're having a hard time with the boat here.
What, you don't like Jackpot?
It's gigantic and makes it pretty tough
to park in our driveway.
Well, that's because you open your doors onto our driveway,
where we keep our boat.
Yes, and, according to city regulations,
it shouldn't even be here.
"Regulations." Hear that?
Look, we really do want to keep this friendly.
And it's been here for three weeks.
- Yeah, and it's beautiful. - And it's tacky.
-是的 它很美 -很俗气
- Settle down! - Hey, that is uncool!
There are four aces on the side of it.
We're gonna have to ask you to disembark.
That's boat for "Get off."
Yeah, there's no room up here for an uptight buzzkill.
Don't call her a buzzkill.
That's right. There's a lot of people who think I'm fun.
You complain about fireworks Friday,
you complain when my son plays his kick-ass drum set,
you bought curtains for your bedroom window.
What have we ever done to you?
I think you just answered your own question.
All right, you know what?
Here, take your buzz-free banana bread
and go back to your precious driveway.
By the way, Claire,
earlier, I was just being nice.
I do not like your new wig.
Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!
- Phil! - Uh, not the color.
Still think we need to be nice?
No. It's time for more drastic measures.
No one insults... my banana bread.
- Mitchell. - F-fiz-- no! No!
-米奇尔 -菲茨 不 不要
What have I said about you sneaking up on me?
I could have been shaving.
This could have been a sweeney Todd moment.
Because of me, clowning is in Lily's blood.
But she's a natural, and we're gonna prove it to you.
If she doesn't make you laugh,
she'll quit clowning forever.
I present to you the Asian for any occasion,
the clown that will invert that frown,
the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Are you not hearing that?
We're working on the name.
Oh, no, Fizbo dropped his hat.
Where did it go, Lizbo?
What? I'm just putting my hat back on, Lizbo.
怎么了 我拿回了我的帽子 莉茨宝
I hope Fizbo knows how to vacuum.
Who turned out the lights?!
You're just spreading it around.
I tried to be supportive for Lily.
I really did, but I wanted to kill myself.
That's not part of the routine.
She's a natural. Do it again.
Okay, here we go. Nothing to it.
好的 来吧 不要紧
You -- you can't pee with another guy looking at you.
Not a bad thing, by the way.
Son of a gun, his middle name was Clark.
May we have some privacy, please?
So that Joe can keep chewing on the electrical cord?
O-oh, we're -- we're not clapping for this?
I told you that he was not ready, and when he is,
why don't you let his mother take care of it?
You know, I raised two fully functional children.
You have two kids that I don't know about?
Please, just let Joe go on his own schedule.
Manny learned to potty-train when he was 2 1/2.
You told me it was 13 months.
I may have exaggerated a little bit.
2 1/2 isn't advanced at all.
What else did you exaggerate?
Did I really like Shakespeare when I was 3?
Not so much Shakespeare as Jello.
Was my first word really "Latte"?
Not so much "Latte" as "Jello."
Oh, my god. I'm normal.
Trust me, kid, no one's saying that about you.
相信我 孩子 没人觉得你正常
Why did you tell me all those things?
To give you confidence.
You needed it because you were having
so much trouble learning how to read.
This makes no sense.
Yes, that what you always used to say.
I wasn't deterred.
I knew Lily had what it took to be a great clown.
She just needed to find her persona,
and that process can be painful, especially for me.
Good morning, neighbors.
Don't even try to sweet-talk us.
This tacky boat ain't going anywhere.
I don't know. What could it be?
Phil is not a vindictive guy.
He still listens to Milli Vanilli.
It's a scandal I can dance to.
But Ronnie and Amber don't deserve nice Phil.
They dissed my woman,
so I called in the big guns.
You are so sexy right now.
Girl, you know it's true.
Oh, there it goes.
or am I looking in the world's most flattering mirror?
That's funny and uplifting!
Thanks for coming so fast.
Oh. Where were you when we called?
Who knows? It all looks the same.
Either Arizona or New Mexico.
Or maybe even regular Mexico.
Thanks for coming, fellas.
- Hey, guys. - Grandpa!
There's my little girls. How are you?
What the hell is this?
We see your driveway boat
and raise you a convoy of retirees.
Oh, I want to have three more of your babies.
How was your road trip?
The highlight came in Branson, Missouri,
when Victor rear-ended Yakov Smirnoff's S.U.V.
The exchange of information was hilarious,
I don't understand anything that's happening.
car has insurance for me."
One day, we'll treasure these moments.
I guess you guys convinced us.
It's awesome having Giant recreational vehicles
Oh, we see what you two are doing.
You're gonna see a whole lot more,
'cause these old guys like to do Tai Chi in shorty robes.
This ain't gonna work. I like hanging with old people.
Makes me feel in-shape.
They can't sleep and they can't hear.
They're gonna be blasting talk radio all night long.
When I get drunk, I snore real loud,
so I won't hear a thing.
We just wanted to give you a taste
of what it's like to have you for a neighbor.
I love how close together all our mouths are.
Hey, dad, what's the --
What's the plot of that Rita Hayworth movie?
My friends here were wondering.
Time to help my boy get rid of a boat.
Uh, "Lady from Shanghai"?
I-I can't remember all the details.
Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie.
Or was it a baby?
Funny thing -- none of it was in Shanghai.
Or was all of it in Shanghai?
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.
好吧 我讲到哪里了 对了
So, either the horse or this baby...
I'm just putting these in the car.
I help underprivileged kids lift weights.
You can't even drive yet.
Okay, you know my secret. What's yours?
好吧 你知道了我的秘密 你的呢
Do you honestly think any of this is gonna work?
I don't know what I'm doing.
I-I have no clue what to say when I'm around you,
but I think about you all the time.
Fine. Here's my secret.
I put all these walls up and act tough,
but... I've never really been with a boy before.
Because I've never been with a girl.
oh, my God. Pathetic.
Run home to your mommy, you little bitch.
Is Lizbo in here?
I think she's in our room.
You know, you wouldn't be in this position
if you hadn't gone behind my back.
I wouldn't be in this position if I had...
a supportive husband.
Okay. Really, I would love to hear how this is my fault.
Yesterday, Lily performed her heart out for you.
She was so excited to do that broom routine,
and you gave her nothing.
So she got desperate,
and she resorted to mean-spirited gags.
And then all of a sudden, guess what.
接着 就在一瞬间 你猜怎么着
You're Mister Mcgiggles!
Oh, is he like an uncle to you?
You know what hurt the most is that my husband
turned our daughter against something that I love.
Guys, we appreciate all your help,
but you probably shouldn't be up there.
Is that weed I smell?
Wait, you gave them pot?
No, I run a legitimate business.
I'm not gonna risk it for that.
They brought their own.
- Not me, son. - It's me and Victor.
Makes my arthritis feel better.
And I'm in remission from being lame.
Here's your beer, Frank.
- Thank you, Ronnie. - Right on.
-罗尼 谢谢 -不客气
Here you go, guys. Pigs in a blanket.
What are you guys doing?!
You're supposed to be annoying them.
- These guys could never annoy me. - What?
Sorry, son, it turns out Ronnie's a fellow army man.
Plus, at our age,
it's tough not to like someone who pays attention to us.
I should have known better.
My dad's too loveable.
It's always been his biggest flaw.
Hey, smells like a party!
*Take your body down to the potty*
*To have some fun and go number one*
What is this filth?
I tried everything,
videos, books, parenting websites.
视频 书籍 家教网站
I even tried to make a game out of it.
Nothing could get that kid to use the toilet.
By the way, do not search "Peeing games" on the internet.
Okay, Joe, what's it gonna be? I'm a wealthy man.
乔 你想要什么 我不缺钱
Just give me a number.
I just found out that's how old I was
when I learned to tie my shoes.
Not 2, like I was told.
Okay, please, Manny.
I might have exaggerated a little bit,
but I do that all the time.
Columbia actually is a very normal place.
My accomplishments are all lies.
I can only deal with one traumatized child at a time.
Please, Jay, let that poor baby off the toilet.
we leave him on the throne till he conks out,
then we dunk his hand in a bowl of warm water--
You know that you can't rush these things.
You did it before with Claire and with Mitch.
I don't think he did, mom.
Yes, he did, right?
Well, I was a little busy building a closet empire.
And racquetball was pretty big back then.
Maybe that's why this is so important to you.
You missed so many milestones in their lives,
you don't want to miss them with Joe.
This is your second chance.
But don't worry, Jay. He knows you love him.
别担心 杰 他知道你爱他
I'd like him to remember that I'm there for him.
I mean, who knows if I'll get another chance.
I know. You won't.
And he won't have to remember you
because you're always going to be here.
Come on. Let's give it a rest.
The poor kid, all that pressure I put on him.
Especially his bladder.
You've probably got a gallon of apple juice in there, buddy.
Did you see how you understood Jay?
That's what makes you so special.
Anyone can learn how to walk
or pee in a potty.
You're the most sensitive and insightful person I have ever known,
and you have always been.
Come here, papi.
- He's peeing! - My little genius!
I knew you could do it, buddy!
ay, Jay, he's not done.
Aw, hell. It's all over me.
Would you take him?
- Oh, it's you. - Okay.
Come here. Come on. Let's have a little talk.
过来 来 我们好好谈谈
All right, I know that I have been laughing
at some of the stuff that you've been doing to daddy,
but I shouldn't have.
I know that you love this,
but I don't want you to be the type of clown that hurts people.
I don't do that to make you laugh.
Well, then why do you do it?
I hate it. I don't want to be a clown.
Oh, are you serious?
The jokes aren't funny
And everybody's all,
"Honk, honk, ah-ooga, wah, wah."
"滴滴 叭叭 乌拉 乌拉"
Oh, Lily, I love you so much. Oh, my gosh.
W-w-why didn't you just tell him?
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
So I figured if I was a bad clown,
he'd want me to stop.
Oh, honey, you don't have to worry about that.
You don't have to do what daddy does.
You just need to tell him the truth.
- Tell me the truth about what? - Nothing!
No, Lily, it's -- it's okay.
不 莉莉 没关系的
I'm sorry, daddy, but I think I want to stop being a clown.
很抱歉 大爸 但我不想再当小丑了
Oh, but why? Y-you loved it.
Because I'll never be as good as Fizbo.
He's just so funny and special and magical.
他那么有趣 特别 又充满魔力
Sweetie -- well, listen.
Fizbo is very special.
But you shouldn't
expect to be as good as he is right away.
It's too much pressure.
Maybe I'll try again when I'm older.
Coming up with a lie like that in the moment --
That girl is no clown.
She's gonna be a lawyer.
Just wanted to say I had a really good time
hanging with your dad last night.
You don't need to rub it in.
I heard it all night -- you guys singing "Chantilly Lace."
We had a long talk.
Your dad and his buddies, they're good people.
They played the whole army card.
And, well, I'm gonna do the honorable thing
and, uh, move the boat.
Yeah, my brother says I can keep it in his driveway.
He hates his neighbor.
I think your dad's right.
We should start being better to one another.
I couldn't agree more.
I think you'll see, Once you get to know us,
we're good people, too...
He -- uh, that would be me.
Why? Is there a problem?
Technically, you can't store it here,
and some crazy lady keeps calling.
Hi, officer. What's going on out here?
嗨 警官 什么情况啊
Wait, you guys narc'd on us!
No, I brought you banana bread!
Now who's the narc?
Claire, that's pretty uncool.
Super uncool! You guys are lame!
I'm also gonna have to write up these rvs.
- Oh no. - What? No.
-不是吧 -什么 不要啊
I'm holding. I'm making a walk for it.