Did you remember to give Alex
and Luke their lunch money?
What about the electrician? Did you give him a check?
He's an electrician -- he'll charge us.
I'm gonna be late for work, Shecky.
Yes, I paid him.
Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Gross and sweaty from running.
So for later tonight,
You thinking what I'm thinking, Valentine?
Every Valentine's day,
Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing --
sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana
and Clive Bixby,
speaker salesman by day, spy by night.
Lover also by night
and sometimes during the day.
The speaker business, it -- it pretty much runs itself.
I just want to keep it really low-key this year.
a drink at that hotel bar we love.
And come straight home...
Put on our Jammies,
and fall asleep in front of the TV.
Looking forward to it already.
Ew, but not those ones I hate,
those red satin pajamas.
I don't even know where those are.
I know I'll get over it,
but right now I hate Anders and Cooper.
Our dear friends Anders and Cooper
got married last Valentine's Day,
and we wanted to get them something really special.
We found this exquisite little painting...
...of a winery in Napa
that we all visited last year.
It was a...bit pricey,
but they're really judge-y
and we knew they'd love it.
The problem is, so did we.
Thank you, Carmelina.
Oh, and here's s-something you can...
put in the other room.
- That was hard. - So hard.
Probably how Lily's birth mother felt.
Except we don't have nine
other paintings by five different painters.
Oh, my God. Mitch, Cam.
天呐 米奇 小卡
Oh, God, are we early?
- This is so not like us. - I'm sorry.
No, no, no. The party's been canceled.
- Why? - Cooper's left me.
He's filing for divorce.
The marriage is over!
- Ohh, Anders. - Anders.
I thought we were in love.
You think you know the person sleeping in the next bedroom.
I'll get us some drinks.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be.
If it's really love,
you do everything you need to do to get back
what you once had.
You're talking about the painting, right?
Of course I am 'cause we don't owe him that anymore.
- Go get it! - Okay.
You must have big plans today.
This is like your Super Bowl, right?
I'm sitting it out this year.
The whole holiday's gotten laughably commercial.
[Turn-down service: 豪华酒店的"开床服务"]
Sounds like Amy turned you down.
Like a bed in a five-star hotel.
I'll be drowning my sorrows
in a marathon of my new favorite true-crime show,
Amy may have dumped me,
but at least it wasn't off the lido deck
of a Carnival Cruise.
Look who's back -- the Sangria sisters.
I invited my sister to visit
so that we could fix our problems.
You know, sister things,
like I never liked how she always borrowed my brush,
or she never liked
how I stole her one chance to escape the village
and I left her there, taking care of my mother.
Jay, they delayed Sonia's flight until tomorrow.
Why don't we cancel our dinner reservation
and the three of us celebrate Valentine's here?
You don't have to do that for me, Gloria.
I usually spend Valentine's Day
selling artificial flowers near the well in my village.
Where do you people live, National Geographic?
I just feel so bad.
You have both shown me such kindness this week,
and I repay you with bad weather over Tampa.
No, this is better.
It gets crazy out there.
I'm happy to avoid the fuss.
Wouldn't have minded a little fuss.
Maybe I've been kind of feeling taken for granted lately.
I know only girls are
supposed to care about Valentine's day, but --
Ah, what am I crying about?
We get paid more, so what the hell?
Cooper didn't even have the decency
to leave me in time to cancel the caterer.
I have 300 of this wasabi shrimp if you're hungry.
Oh, no, thank you.
Sardine rillettes, olive crostini --
What am I supposed to do with all of this?
Carmelina, that's for company.
Oh, well, there's Cam, so we should probably go.
Oh, you were gone so long, I was afraid you'd woken mother.
She's recuperating here, just had both hips replaced.
Oh, that reminds me --
I should put on the security camera in her room.
- Did you get it? - Yes.
And guess where they keep the last-minute wedding gifts?
Hint -- apparently you need your original hips
to keep a nightgown closed.
Well, I'm glad you stopped by.
I really needed this.
Oh, Cam, get in here.
Oh, I have a little bit of a sniffle.
That's a wedding gift for you and Cooper,
but once we heard, we didn't think it was appropriate.
Oh, are you kidding?
There's no bad time for a gift.
I'm -- I'm sorry it's so late.
We just wanted to get you something
that you would really cherish.
Pretty much the best gift we've ever given anyone.
Yeah, it's -- it's a beautiful...
Yes, I got that from the...
Are you sure you won't stay for one more,
especially now since I've got this
stylish cheese-delivery system?
- Just one, yeah. - Great.
Obviously there were two gifts wrapped similarly,
and my eyes were watering
from the thick fog of Vaporub back there.
Okay, well, we got nothing to lose now,
so go back and get the painting.
You know who gave him that cheap thing?
J'marcus. She's got the first dollar she ever earned --
Once Sonia blew up my Valentine's Day,
I could have sat around feeling sorry for myself.
Instead, I had a little chuckle,
and I got the dog a gift.
I know it's silly getting Stella a present...
So close to her birthday.
I think she's upstairs in the bath.
What? I just gave her a bath this morning.
Oh, you're talking about Stella.
Wait, you got the dog a gift?
for a guy whose date's a tub of
ice cream and a fuzzy robe.
You're spending Valentine's Day in a "Cathy" cartoon.
Hey, what's all this?
I thought the three of us
were just gonna order something in.
No. I ruined your night enough.
I'm cooking for you and Gloria
so you can have a romantic evening alone.
Sonia, you don't have to do this.
It makes me so happy to prepare food for you.
Maybe someday I'll be preparing it for a husband of my own.
Thank you for not laughing and falling on the floor
like my mother does when I say such things.
You know, it being Valentine's Day and all, I, uh --
I got you a little something.
Here, see that "S" there?
Oh, Jay, it's so beautiful.
I don't know what to...
When will I learn?
I'm catnip to sister-in-laws.
Years ago, I was sitting next to Dede's sister Cece
多年前 感恩节晚餐时 我坐在迪迪的姐姐
at Thanksgiving dinner,
and I threw a little charm her way.
You know, flash the baby blues.
And before I know it,
she's rubbing her size 12s up and down my shin.
went over the table at her.
It took me and her sister Bebe to separate them.
I've been trying you for 15 minutes.
I know. We ran late.
And then the car wouldn't start,
so I had to call AAA.
They said they're on their way, but who knows?
Oh, honey, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
You were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.
This is the one night we set aside for us.
I know, and I feel terrible,
but listen, finish your drink, come on home.
但是听着 喝完酒 回家去
Maybe we'll have a romantic Easter.
I understand that your wife has had some car trouble.
I wonder how that could have happened?
I must say, Juliana,
you're the last person I expected to see here tonight.
Well, with any luck,
you'll be the last person I do see tonight.
Phil, I've had my eye on you for years.
we're finally gonna get some alone time.
I'm not scaring you, am I?
Most women who meet me
almost instantly ask for some alone time.
My showing was pushed up tomorrow morning.
I-I may have to make it an early one.
'Cause you only have one night with me, tiger,
as a government-insured, zero-down,
What do you say we get out of here?
- What are you doing? - Run, run!
-你在干什么 -跑 快跑
But we haven't even paid for this.
We're outlaws, baby. Go, go!
我们是法外狂徒 宝贝 快跑
That was such a rush!
You've never stolen anything before?
Only the entire show
of my high-school production of "The wiz,"
but I don't think that's --
Oh, glass elevator. Should make for an exciting view.
It will for the people on the street.
I didn't even hear them get on.
Well, maybe it's time for an ear cleaning.
I don't know, you just sluiced them out pretty good.
I'm getting kind of hot, Phil.
What do you say we cool off a bit?
Aw, that would have been great, Juliana.
Too bad it's after...dark.
You were right, Juliana.
This cool night air is just the thing.
Would the lady like my coat
so she doesn't catch a col--
Does that mean what I think it does?
Water's a little chilly.
Think you can come in here and help me warm it up?
Baby, they haven't built a pool I couldn't warm a little.
- Where's Cam? - Uh, tinkling again.
Nature calls so often,
I think she has him on speed dial.
The motion-detector alarm in mother's room
in case she falls out of bed.
I turn it on during cocktails,
when I tend to forget she's even there.
What's going on? She all right?
Yeah, yeah, she's just tossing her leg a little bit.
没事 没事 只是在晃腿
Oh, that kicky thing?
She's either having her rockettes dream
or her catheter's out.
Oh, we're out of ice!
The nightmare continues!
Okay, put it back.
I can't possibly have heard you correctly.
There is a box over there with a Santangelo glass bowl
that they got us for our wedding.
We'll just say that the cheese plate was a little joke
and that the real present is in the other room.
You know, your coming around today
reminded me that Cooper and I got you a wedding gift.
Well, now, this is a surprise.
Well, even though it doesn't say so on it,
it's a fish! Congrats.
Oh, my god! Plastic olive swords?
Carmelina, are you trying to be deported?!
All right, I got it back.
This is Anders' wedding present to us.
He must have swapped it out
when he opened that monstrosity that he thinks we got him.
We're getting our painting back.
No, no. You've already done a recon of the room.
Okay, take it easy, "Mission impossible."
It's a bed and a couch, not a laser maze.
A little champagne, and dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.
Oh, Jay, thank you so much for my new bracelet.
You shouldn't have.
And speaking of jewlry and "shouldn't haves,"
I was feeling sorry for Sonia,
and I gave her a little trinket.
Yeah, but now the poor kid's got the hots for me.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe I just don't know my own power.
I mean, you must get that sometimes.
And don't be whatever that is, either.
She hugged me and wouldn't let go.
It's not that crazy.
This has happened before.
Oh, yeah, that time
when Dede's lonely sister grabbed your leg?
Not lonely. She's a forest ranger.
She can't be tied down.
Look, before I shuffle back to my bell tower,
let me just say I know the look.
that I didn't pay attention to you at all today.
And now you're all crazy.
Gloria, I can't find the candlesticks!
Ay, don't worry. I go help you!
Gloria, are you all right?
Why is Joe's toy here?
Oh, gee, you really twisted it, huh?
All right, honey. Let me get some ice on that.
没事 亲爱的 我去给你拿冰敷一下
I heard a crash. Is everything okay?
Yeah, Gloria turned her ankle.
I don't know if she's gonna make it down for dinner.
Should I bring your food upstairs?
No, she just wants to rest.
She told me to eat with you downstairs.
She doesn't want to make any --
That was the most exciting night of my life.
Would it break the mood if I clapped a little?
No, I will allow it.
Ooh, look, they have the good q-tips.
I'm gonna steal us a bunch.
I'm gonna miss Juliana.
That lady knows where the bodies are buried.
Oh, thanks, honey.
I know some years I miss the mark on Valentine's Day.
This year, I wanted to make sure --
She's just so adventurous and surprising.
It's like I was parched,
and she quenched my thirst with a big goblet of "Wow."
Well, we'll have to make sure your goblet doesn't get so low
before we fill her up again.
I don't know what that means, but anyway,
I'm kind of thinking maybe we'll just go home.
That showing really is early,
and I need to be sharp.
I thought you wanted to sleep here.
Yeah, I got caught up
in the whole Juliana moment.
Hey, would you see if there's any sewing kits?
I think we're out.
Something was off,
but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Claire, let's get a move on!
I'm coming. I'm coming. Hang on.
来了 来了 稍等
Well, look who's back.
Yeah, well, I would have changed,
but this is all I brought.
Change? When you're perfect?
Oh, my, god, look at that.
It really has gotten late, hasn't it?
of the evening like yourself, Juliana.
What's say we fog up that glass elevator again
and grab a nightcap in the bar?
Then I put my finger on it --
My husband's in love with another woman.
- You like that, don't you? - Mmm, yeah.
-你很爱吃 是吧 -是啊
Poor Gloria, though, huh?
Oh, you have a little something --
Oh, I'll get it this time.
Oh, the soup is ready. I'll bring some for Gloria.
I'm not crazy, right?
No. She's into you.
Thank god you wandered down here when you did.
You see how she keeps sliding close to me?
It's like eating on a boat.
It's so much worse than that.
It's straight out of "Lethal Ladies."
Look what I found in the trash.
Pictures of me and Gloria with Gloria's head cut out?
She literally wants mom out of the picture.
- Is she infatuated with me? Yes.
But would she actually do something to her own --
She just took a bottle out of her purse
and sprinkled it into mom's soup.
Okay, that's enough of this dumb TV show for you.
We're talking about a perfectly believable obsession.
You're trying to make this into something that's --
That's for me? What about Jay?
Oh, it's too spicy for him.
I make another one just like yours for your mother.
Eat it while it's hot. Okay.
She wants me out of the picture, too.
Young woman meets a wealthy, older man.
Who wants a kid in the way?
That's the first airtight thing you've said today.
But she's not a murderer
Oh, that's nice. You'd let me eat the soup.
Open your eyes, Jay.
She wants you all to herself.
The red dress just like mom's,
the toy she knew mom would trip on,
the headless pictures?
You think I'm crazy?
This is what I did with the pictures.
I made this Valentine for Gloria.
The dress I borrowed from Gloria
to go with your pretty necklace.
And the "Poison" is guasca,
a spice I brought from Colombia.
And there's Stella with the toy.
Which she leaves all over the house.
There's been some misunderstanding here,
but it would be so super
if you just wouldn't mention this to --
As loud as these two are, the move like cats.
I heard everything on the baby monitor.
How can you say these things about my sister?
I was just trying to be nice, Jay.
I will call a cab and wait at the airport.
Now I know what your family really thinks of me.
I have been working on fixing my relationship with Sonia
and because you think you're a sex machine,
you have ruined everything.
I'm sorry. I'll talk to her.
Sonia, I'm an idiot.
I jumped to some crazy conclusions today.
I mean, I could say it's because of Valentine's
or, I don't know,
me feeling a little neglected,
but I know you could never --
Yes, because you're my sister-in-law and, uh --
We hid it perfectly, Jay!
We've waited long enough!
One night with me, and you'll forget all about her.
She doesn't appreciate you.
I hear how you fight!
That's just how we talk.
Give in to it, Jay. We both--
放弃吧 杰 我们都
How dare do you try to steal the life
that I stole from you?!
Let him go, Gloria! I love him!
放手吧 歌洛莉亚 我爱他
He's my husband, and I love him more!
Ladies, ladies, stop.
I-I-I'm a friend of you son's.
I twisted my neck, and I need my pillow.
Yes, mother moving in was inconvenient,
but what did he want me to do, just get rid of her?
I mean, a ghoul, that's who.
- Oh, no! - What's wrong?
Nothing. I was just reliving the moment
you told us about you and Cooper.
You know that, that fish I gave you and Mitchell?
That really wasn't the gift we picked out for you.
- Really? - No, I was just being mean.
It's just that, when I saw that cheese plate, I just --
did you give us that because Cooper and I
talked about opening up a little cheese shop?
Carmelina's probably halfway home with it,
but I can make her walk back.
We really were so happy for you.
Well, we should probably get going, but look who is up.
Mother, where's your hat?
Look, Anders gave us the bowl after all.
It's a good thing you couldn't get the painting.
We couldn't take it now.
Well, enjoy the bowl.
It's about time you boys had something pretty in the house.
Your husband's noticing another woman,
there's only one thing to do --
I just can't wait to get in a hot bath
and soak this infected toenail.
It's much easier just to take the other bitch down.
Well, I-I like the sound of that bath.
I assume the tub will be ringed with scented candles?
Oh, well, I've got candles. I got candles everywhere.
Ever since my boyfriend stopped paying my bills,
they turned off the electricity.
Leaving us to generate our own electricity.
Although, candles can be nice
if you're in the mood for, say, some Dirty Dancing.
Oh, I hate that movie.
There I must passionately disagree.
Or was that your game all along?
Okay, if it's an argument you want, fine.
Of course Johnny's gonna fall for Baby
because he's this big, dreamy country bumpkin
and she is the shiny, new thing.
But what happens when the movie is over,
when he really gets to know her?
Two weeks out of the Catskills, and it's,
"You wearing that again, Baby?
You borrow my razor again, Baby?
Isn't two glasses enough, Baby?"
Trust me, he is no longer having the time of his life.
- Juliana, wait. - No.
-朱莉安娜 等等 -不
Honestly, it is one minute to 12:00, Phil.
Valentine's Day is over.
I can't see you anymore.
I can't believe I'm saying this
because you're the most intoxicating woman
a man could ever meet.
But, by some cosmic miracle,
there's a woman in that house
I still find as sexy and exciting
as the first day I met her.
I should probably let her know that more often than I do.
a guy like me gets that lucky,
he quits while he's ahead.
It sounds to me like she's the lucky one.
Where are you going?
Sorry. Aren't -- aren't we --
Please, go. My wife will see you.
Don't make this harder than it is.
You know, I don't know why you are so happy.
I've tried the Santangelo
in six different places.
And it just make me
hate everything in our house.