You're still on that thing?
What are you constantly looking at on your computer?
you really want people asking around here?
Indeed, it is not.
I'm just checking college acceptances.
I mean, they should be posting them any day.
You cannot spend your entire spring break
worrying about college admissions.
You should go to that -- that music festival thing with Haley.
Do something fun. Learn to relax a --
Do we have to keep every remote we have ever owned?
Somewhere in a landfill, a laser disc just ejected.
Uh, I can't bring Alex to the festival
because I am going for work to research new fashion trends.
I need to blend in, you know?
Everyone will think she's a cop.
Well, I could sit here and worry and ruin my day,
or I could go with Haley and ruin hers.
I'll grab my sunscreen.
I hate to shame you, but Haley woke up before you.
Well, Haley didn't run a 10K yesterday
to raise awareness for alopecia.
That is why I run.
Honey, I could really use your help
with spring cleaning today.
I got to get all these boxes down to the donation center.
Wish I could, but I've got work.
Then Luke and I have got some important trampolining to do.
I just love how equally we divide our responsibilities.
Figured we'd do a little father/son bonding
since your school trip was canceled.
You can teach me the Dunphy Tuck.
I love your enthusiasm, son, but it's way too dangerous.
One wrong move, and you're eating springs.
Oh, no, no, those are --
Is that my banjo?
When I met this little lady sitting next to me,
it was love at first sight.
Yep, I've been noodling around on the ol' flyswatter
for a couple of years now.
I was inspired by the greats
-- Scruggs, Kermit.
It's hard to practice, though,
because it gets Claire so hot and bothered.
- What do you -- - I think I've heard enough.
I've got time for a couple verses of "Shortnin' bread."
No, no, it's in the box. It's leaving the house.
不 它在盒子里 要被丢掉了
I-I can never hear that awful thing again.
- But you called me "Banjovi." - I know.
I did whatever was necessary to make it stop.
Wait. Does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping?
Is that why we have Luke?!
Ay, Cam, no dessert for you?
I have to fit into a skintight cat costume tonight
because I'm gonna --
Whatever you do behind closed doors
is your own business.
Because I'm singing "Memory" at the faculty follies.
where the teachers do a little talent show.
Ay, maybe I come see you.
I need to find something to watch
since I had to give up my soap operas.
Oh, because you've been neglecting Joe?
No, it's because I asked Jay to stop smoking cigars,
and he said that he would quit
if I stopped watching the soap operas.
But it's very hard.
What's so damn hard?
It's the same thing every week --
Amnesia, evil twins,
two ladies end up fighting in a fountain.
I mean, what is it? Is it some sort of an escape?
It's better than blowing smoke in our baby's face.
Where did he go, anyways?
Oh, there's an e-mail from Lily's scout camp.
- I hope everything's okay. - She's fine.
Mitchell's nervous because he's not a camper.
His idea of roughing it is a hotel stay
where the cable doesn't get Bravo.
They should tell you that when you check in.
Oh, boy. Okay, here's a photo, look.
好吧 收到一张照片 看
She's using the signal.
The kids aren't allowed to call their parents,
but the camp sends out photos,
so we have a code.
One finger, she's fine.
Two fingers, she's unhappy.
Look at this -- two fingers.
I don't look at pictures on a phone.
If it's a good shot, get a print, put it in an album.
Interesting time to take a stand.
But she looks like she's just doing
the bunny ears behind her girlfriend.
Which is exactly what she would do
to get a secret signal past the authorities.
Okay, it's a scout camp, not Leavenworth.
She's smiling. What are you worried about?
Because it's her first time away from home. It --
You know what? That's probably it.
I'm just -- I'm stressing out, so --
You know, I'm -- I'm gonna go to the office
and pick up some papwork.
You know what? I'm gonna tag along with you.
You can drop me off at the club.
I'm not really going to the office.
Don't care. Need a cigar.
Based off the walk I just took,
side-boob is the new butt crack.
So, you want to head down front?
Okay, you need to drink this.
I'll get a new one.
Uh, is there vodka in here?
If there is, it's not doing anybody any good
until I get it in there.
Michelangelo talked about chiseling
beautiful sculptures out of marble.
Well, my chisel is a long island iced tea,
and I use it to free the party girl from the block of nerd.
Not all my sculptures are masterpieces.
Honey, were you listening? Isn't he good?
亲爱的 你听见了吗 他很棒有没有
- Really good. - Yeah.
I -- I thought you didn't like the banjo.
I didn't think I did, either,
but there's just something about the way he plays.
It's so... it's so musical.
So, what's this, a surprise for old dad?
You been secretly taking lessons for months, probably longer?
Nope. I just started messing around with it today.
And you learned a whole song.
Actually, he learned two! Play him the other one.
Are those my shoes?
I found them in the box of donations.
They fit him perfectly.
If anything, they're a little snug.
Well, he can kick them off,
'cause we are about to do some trampolining.
Time to learn the Dunphy Tuck.
I thought you said he could get hurt doing that.
It's impossible to be safe all the time.
You can get hurt just walking into your own house.
Okay, I'm gonna go hang my costume up
in my dressing room and start warming up my voice.
Dressing room? Ay, show me.
I can't. It's the handicapped stall in the men's room.
But tonight is not about Cameron Tucker.
It's about the kids.
What is that, a caveman costume?
No, I just signed up
to sing "Memory" from "Cats."
Although I hope I'm not on
after the "Grease" Chorus.
They're a tough act to follow.
But that is your song.
"Memory"? But that was his song.
Well, we can't both sing the same song.
I mean, that would make a mockery of the follies.
Oh, well, I sang last year.
Please, I insist -- you sing.
拜托 我坚持 你唱吧
He gave up his song.
That was his song last year.
Fate will smile upon him.
You would do that for me?
This is literally the nicest gesture
I have ever witnessed --
And I'm from Canada.
I don't like this.
This is just like when Rosalba and Marisol
found out that they were married to the same man.
Marisol backed down,
but she was found dead two days later.
Okay, Gloria, I think there's a chance
you're trying to turn a very normal situation
into one of your soap operas.
Okay, but imagine --
A standing ovation for you will crush him!
I'll only look better
if I take the high road --
You know, help out backstage, let him have his moment.
The move you're about to see was first developed
by my great-great-great- grandfather Razvan Dunphy,
it's as old as man's quest to fly.
It's just a flip with a twist, right?
There's a lot more going on,
but you won't be able to absorb it
the first time you see it.
一 二 三
You were right. I totally missed it.
I'm glad that happened. I'm actually glad that happened.
It's a good reminder, the Dunphy Tuck demands respect.
这次 我是 来
Jim McKay, that hurts!
I'm gonna... just adjust these springs.
They feel fine to me.
I'm sure they do.
You don't have the foot sensitivity of a tramp champ.
If I ever had to read braille, I'd--
Oh, my God! I think I did it!
Your, your form was a little off.
Really? It felt perfect. I'll try one more time.
真的吗 但我觉得很棒 再来一次
I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
You might cement in some bad...habits.
I'm gonna get you some water.
You seem lightheaded and delusional.
Oh, honey. You look exhausted.
Well, I am not. I am as strong as ever.
Certainly the strongest person in the house.
Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?
Sort of a poor man's version of it.
He added a whole new twist.
It's called over-rotation. Look into it.
I was so caught up in my spring cleaning,
it took me a while to see that Phil was feeling inadequate.
I knew what I needed to do.
When you guys are done out there,
do you think you could give Luke my list?
I have some chores on here that require some muscle.
Maybe I should take care of that.
No, no, I-I-I can handle it.
Luke's pretty busy out there not pointing his toes.
So he's all like, "Get a life,"
and I'm like, "No, thanks. Got nine."
Sorry to interrupt, but I just took a break from painting.
Wanted to come over, bring you some tea
and tell you to break a paw.
He almost broke his head.
Yes, I know, and I feel horrible about that.
I would never intentionally do anything to harm--
He made the tea too hot!
He tripped on one of Coach Tucker's paint cans.
I don't remember leaving that there!
Oh, look at me. I can't command a stage.
You, you have to take my place.
We'll wheel you out onto stage.
Oh, come on, we both know
this song requires catlike movements.
Someone get this man into fur and makeup!
- What are you doing?! - Last item on the list--
- move the table. - No. You should not be doing that alone.
-移桌子 -不 你不应该一个人弄
Really? Cause I got the fridge out to the curb.
- How? - Drug it.
Stand back. I'm turtling her.
No, you're gonna get hurt, sweetie.
不行 你会受伤的 亲爱的
- Let me get Luke. Luke! - No, no, no!
-我去找卢克来 卢克 -不用
I don't need his help!
Let him play his precious Banjo!
It was like the Banjo was mocking me.
*You are not the man you used to be*
*You get up four times at night to pee*
*Ba-da-dum ba bat da doot doot doo*
*You're super-duper old now*
I don't know that one.
Give me a couple minutes. I'll figure it out.
It's a little hard to get things done with all the noise.
You're not supposed to have girls up here.
You think you're an adult, but you're not.
You're a kid living under my roof,
and you have to obey my rules!
The "G" string snapped!
Probably not the first time that's happened in here.
No! It hit my eye!
First of all, eyes can't bleed, so--
首先 眼睛是不会流血的 所以
Sammy Davis Jr., that's bad!
小萨米·戴维斯 真是够糟的[艺人 曾出车祸]
I'm looking for my sister.
She has brown hair,
dressed like a nerd, but not ironically.
Haley, are you with Alex?
She's not answering her phone.
We're just a tiny bit separated right now,
but, uh, she's been acting a little strange.
Oh, no. What do you mean?
Um, I -- well, I-I'd say she's been, um...
Mom, don't freak out.
No, I was worried about this
when you two left this morning.
Oh, okay, so she was being a little uptight.
Come on! Open up, you stupid thing!
Okay, fine! She was a total buzzkill, okay!
I just wanted to relax her.
I know, I know -- it was a mistake.
But it's not like I poured it down her throat!
She didn't get into Harvard.
That's why she's been acting so weird.
Wait. What do you mean,
you didn't pour it down her throat?
Did you get her drunk?
Hey, you hacked her computer!
Uh, I just found her.
I'll have her call you.
Take me to my sister!
All right, Lily's camp is just through those trees.
- I'll be back soon. - Take your time.
I got a couple of Robustos to keep me company.
Um, what's up with the outfit?
It's to keep the smoke off me
so Gloria won't smell it.
Yep, I've lost my mind.
Have fun breaking your daughter out of sleepaway camp.
Oh, of course you wouldn't understand.
I forgot I shouldn't ask "Why" to things.
I was 9 years old, at camp.
There were mosquitos, compost toilets,
It was theater camp, wasn't it?
Naturally, you remember that part.
The point is, I hated it.
I was -- I was cold, and I was scared,
after this kid told this terrifying ghost story,
so I snuck away to a pay phone,
I called you, crying,
and in a performance even more predictable
than Todd Jansen's Artful Dodger,
you refused to pick me up.
For your own good.
Learning to fend for yourself
is an important part of becoming a man.
Before you claim that all my professional success
stems from your very, very brave decision
to stay at home on the couch
watching "The Bionic Woman,"
I am going to go get Lily.
So that she knows she can always count on me.
If that's your idea of a dramatic exit,
it's no wonder Todd Jansen got that part.
So, the doctor will see you in a few minutes.
Nice someone can see.
Glad to know your good eye can still roll.
So, still angry, huh?
Gee, why would I be angry?
Because you insulted me, maimed me, and belittled
my achievements in the banjonic and trampolinic arts?
I know. I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of my behavior today.
Probably started with the 5K I ran yesterday.
For everyone else.
It was the first time in 15 years I couldn't finish.
Then, today, it's everything I can do, you can do better.
今天 我能做的事 你做得都比我好
It's okay. It's not your fault.
Every dad goes through it --
The day he starts seeing his son as a man and not a boy.
Like when we first got high-def TV
and I realized Ed Bradley had an earring.
I'm not as much of a man as you think, dad.
How come an hour ago,
I had a 16-year-old girl's bra in my hand?
Can we talk somewhere more private?
The bra belongs to me.
That's not the conversation I thought we'd be having,
but...if that's what you need on the outside
to feel like the luke you are on the inside --
It's to practice on.
I stink at unhooking them.
Last week, I tried to
take one off a girl at a party.
I fumbled for so long, she started to laugh.
It still haunts me.
That's why I didn't go away this week.
My trip wasn't canceled.
Everyone found out and...
I get it -- you couldn't face them.
Listen, I know this part of your life
may not be moving fast enough for you,
but enjoy it while it lasts.
Someday, your life's gonna be moving faster than you want,
and you could wind up doing something dumb,
like blinding your son.
I know I'm getting a little old for this place, but...
I do like coming here.
You hurt your eye.
Alex! Alex, stop!
I have been chasing you for, like, an hour!
Where are you going?!
This guy Weasel said he knows
of some hot springs in the hills.
We were just gonna go try and find them.
Oh, okay. So, we'll see you in, like, what, 10 years,
when you spoon-tunnel
your way out of Weasel's basement?
I know about Harvard.
Mom saw on your computer.
And of course she told you,
because privacy doesn't mean anything.
Why do things the right way?
- Alex, I r-- - No! What's the point?
-艾丽克斯 我 -不 为了什么
Get straight A's for 10 years,
spend your summers building houses,
drag your cello to school every day,
write the perfect essay, and for what?!
"No, thank you, Alex!"
"不 谢谢 艾丽克斯"
"We don't want you, Alex!"
Okay, you are drawing more attention to yourself
than the guy wearing a ferret as a scarf.
I don't care anymore!
I've spent my entire life trying to be perfect,
and where did it get me?
I am in a field with 6,000 idiots!
Know what? I think that this is a good thing for you.
- Can you just spare me today? - No.
You're obviously going to get into
one of those snooty schools,
and sometimes you're gonna come in second...
or fourth, or maybe even tenth.
But you're gonna dust yourself off,
maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.
I'm allowed to feel bad about this, okay?
Look, you are a superstar!
I've been saying since you were 10
you're gonna be on the Supreme Court.
But for the record, I'm gonna be a scientist.
Lab coat, robe --
as long as something's covering up your outfit,
you're gonna be just fine.
I...don't want to talk about it.
I had killed with that song at three amateur productions,
two gay weddings, and a two-hour gate hold on a 747,
but I could tell the audience thought
that I had sabotaged Kaplan to grab the spotlight,
and my confidence caught in my throat
like a three-day furball.
I couldn't have stunk up the place worse
if I'd performed in a litter box.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Can't talk! I'll be in my stall!
So, now everybody hates Cameron.
Okay, look, I can't sing "Memory."
It's too much song for me.
So when I found out that coach Tucker
wanted to sing it, as well, I had my out --
until he nobly stepped aside.
Luckily, the sandbag fell, everyone blamed him,
幸运的是 沙袋掉了 大家都怪他
and I just saw my opening.
I put the paint cans on the floor
and pretended that the tea scalded me.
But to see him crash and burn on stage, that...
It doesn't get better than that.
because I turned your microphone on,
and everybody there is listening
to everything that you just said!
No. No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Amazing! And with no commercials!
The worst thing about the woods
is you never know what you're gonna run into --
a bear, a hunter who doesn't take kindly to city folk,
I can't wait. I love S'mores.
...your daughter, as happy as you've ever seen her.
The only thing to do was to sneak back to the car
and think of a lie to tell my dad along the way.
I don't know, but let's hit it with a shovel.
And stab it with our marshmallow sticks!
No! No, no, no, no! I-I'm Lily's dad.
I'm Lily-- hi. She's mine.
what are you doing here?
Okay, I-I thought you gave me the signal.
You're embarrassing me in front of 8-year-olds.
I just finished telling the girls a ghost story.
Do you know any?
I do know one from my own camp days,
but it's probably too scary for you, s--
- Tell us now! - Okay, okay.
-快跟我们说说 -好吧 好吧
It's really scary. Don't say I didn't warn you.
This better be good.
I-it takes place at a camp a lot like this one,
Where just beyond the woods, there was a black lake.
And just beyond the lake, there was a prison.
This isn't scary.
Okay, it was a haunted pr--
It was a haunted prison.
Now, on this one night, the night of the full moon,
What they call "The blood moon"...
Okay, what was at this prison was a -- was a ghost --
The ghost of an old man with glowing red eyes,
I'm bored. Can we go to sleep early?
I think you're forgetting about the blood moon.
It's the ghost! No!
Thanks for that. Bedtime should be a treat.
Well, I guess you finally rescued me at camp.
Better late than never.
By the way, I should've
come by and picked you up from camp.
That, uh, "Tough it out" stuff --
That was my dad talking.
He threw me in a lake once I was afraid of.
Did I ever tell you about that story?
Yeah, yeah, we've all heard that story.
Now, don't feel too bad.
I was completely wrong about Lily.
I almost rescued her from
having the time of her life.
Oh, that's the way of things.
Things work out, and someday,
you'll be able to see her
be completely wrong about her kids.
You know, I -- I once stole one of those when I was a kid.
Made me completely dizzy.
I don't remember the rest of the night.
Aren't you going to that faculty follies after this?
Yeah. Give me one of those.
I thought there was a step there.
Oh, yeah, you'll get your depth perception back
once you get the bandages off.
Careful in the middle, there.
I still haven't a chance to --
I thought you were Alex.
She didn't get in.
She didn't get into Princeton, either?
No, just Harvard.
I thought that this might soften the blow.
And I made her her favorite dinner.
You're such a good mom.
but Haley already made me feel a little better about it.
I just don't really feel like talking right now.
I kind of just want to change my password and get into bed.
She just needs a little bit of time to work through it.
The kids are growing up.
Guess they don't need us as much anymore.
Oh, well, that was the plan.
it would feel better than this.
At least we still need each other.
And I get so lucky.