What do you think of the picture on my new Costco card?
Wow, you've never put your actual face that close to mine.
Jay thinks that --
Okay, you look good.
This looks nothing like me!
Maybe 'cause you're not yelling in it.
I look at this, and I'm like,
"What the hell? Where's the sparkle?
Where's the guy that scored the winning touchdown
and was carried off by his team?"
This guy looks like he was carried off by the current.
to cut this up and never go back there.
Maybe you can use one of the scissors
from the eight-pack that we bought.
Hey, Jay, you feeling it?
You ready to knock down some pins?
Gray and wrinkled, like my tired puss.
It's my league finals,
and Jay agreed to fill in for our star bowler, Maurice,
who's recovering from a groin pull.
An actual groin pull,
not the party on fire island.
I don't know, Cameron.
I'm -- I'm really not feeling it tonight.
Well, you better start feeling it soon.
so I can stick it to that smug Martin Sherman.
Who's Martin Sherman?
Only my archrival.
I thought your rival
was that blond Christmas caroler.
No, it's the Spanish teacher at his school.
Well, C-Cam has lots of rivals,
especially if you count that bag boy.
I told you -- never say his name.
I didn't say his name. I don't even know his name.
Always putting my canned goods on top of my produce.
I'd like to squash his squash.
Hopefully, we won't be out too late tonight.
$10 says you guys will be home in bed before we are.
You two will be sleeping,
and Gloria and Haley and I will still be dancing.
This one? Joe tucks her in.
How would you know?
You go to bed right after
you get mad at the news.
Yeah, it's you two that are keeping us down,
Tonight, we are going out big.
Yes, you're very hip.
That's the theme song to "The Antiques Roadshow."
And you can't beat the location,
mainly 'cause I live right there.
We love the house.
But I could never live across the street
from that pornographic statue.
I never noticed it.
You could see it from inside when you look out the window.
Oh, I didn't -- uh, are you talking about that one?
I'll take your word for it.
I've had this listing for two months,
and I can't move it because of the statue across the street.
It's called "Marble with Wood,"
and let's just say it's made entirely of marble.
We've got to do something about this. It's obscene.
That's what they said about "The Catcher in the Rye"
when it first came out.
You're not helping.
Why don't we just knock on the door
- I tried. - Yeah, the guy's a jerk.
I told him how much it bothered us.
It only seemed to please him.
I'm not gonna lie --
It makes me feel bad about my body.
I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play out here.
- Our kids. - Paul, please.
-是我们的孩子 -保罗 拜托
Art is subjective. Some people would love this.
Hey what are you guys talking about?
Ohh, God, we hate that thing.
I didn't make my money to move to a neighborhood
where they put something like that on the street.
Porn belongs on a big screen in the bedroom
or your phone in the bathroom.
Well...what are you gonna do?
Guess we'll just get used to ignoring it.
I just wish he was more concerned
- with being a better neighbor. - Yeah.
Hey, we were just about to grab dinner.
You guys want to join us?
I said, you guys want to go to dinner?
If you guys don't want to, that's fine.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.
- No, no, no. - No.
A-are you saying no?
- Sure, why not? - Of course.
- All right! Great! - Great!
We'll meet you out front. 15. I'll drive.
Oh, Claire, just so our outfits don't clash,
I'll be wearing lizard.
Ah, shoot. Well, I'll find something.
Oh, don't you just love it -- the crash of the pins,
the smell of the rental-shoe spray?
Yeah, it does kind of get the blood going.
Oh, one small detail --
This is an all-gay bowling league,
so I told everyone you're all gay.
You have to be gay to play.
Let's go meet the guys.
Forget it. Not doing it.
Jay, we need you.
No one's gonna believe I'm gay.
Oh, why, because you're not flouncy enough?
Jay, that's offensive.
There's all kinds of gays.
You've got your broadway gays, your gym gays,
your twinks, your bears, your otters,
小鲜肉基佬 熊基佬 水獭基佬
your "Hey, girl" Gays.
You've got your pups, your cubs, your chubs.
小狗基佬 幼兽基佬 白鲑基佬
And most prominently, you've got your
average-joes-who-you-would never-know-are-gay gays.
What the hell is an otter?
Lane 20. White pants.
Look, you don't have to do anything differently.
Just...be yourself. You're gay enough.
I thought I smelled failure and cheap hair spray.
Oh, hello, Martin. You're looking unwell.
好啊 马丁 你气色不是太好
Could you do that thing you did
last year where you lose
and then you try and throw a chair
but not realize it's bolted down
and wrench your back
and then curse at me
while I wave a trophy in your big, red face, could you?
Oh, boy, look at you. You're all worked up.
It must have been a tough day
assistant-managing that Jo-ann Fabrics.
It's a Michael's, and you know it, you son of a bitch!
是迈克尔工艺品店 你知道的 混蛋
Fine. I'll do it. I don't like that guy.
好吧 我会参加 我不喜欢那个人
But what happens if somebody I know comes in here
and thinks I'm living a secret life?
if someone you know comes in here tonight,
they're living a secret life.
- You make a point. - Okay, let's meet the guys. Guys!
-有道理 -跟大家见见面吧 各位
Hey! I am in the best mood.
My Uber driver looked just like Adam Driver.
You guys ready to party?
- Yeah, let's go! - Where?
-是的 出发 -去哪
Out. Let's do this.
It's 8:30. The doors don't even open for another hour.
Well, then, what are you doing here?
Mojitos and Cosmos --
the drinks of your peoples.
All right, let's get crazy.
I'll uncover the cheese.
So, we'll meet my friends outside the club at like 10:30.
Yeah, the band doesn't go on until midnight.
Okay, if you guys can't hear me now,
we're gonna have some real problems at the club.
- No problem. - No, we're good. We're good.
-没问题 -我们没事 没事
I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Does she think we're 50?
No, no, she's just really bad at math.
Two strikes in a row!
Familiarize yourself with the exit
because somebody's on fire!
Okay, Jay, you're up.
All right, Jay. Let's get that first strike.
好了 杰 我们去拿下第一个全中吧
Keep your eye on the prize.
Imagine taking that bad boy home tonight.
I'm sorry. I'm just off my game tonight.
Who's your new guy?
He's my husband's uncle.
Oh, you look confused.
A husband is somebody who loves you
that you don't have to pay.
That guy is not gay.
I could have you disqualified, you know.
Of course he's gay.
My gaydar is highly sensitive.
For instance, I have to move it away from you right now
before it explodes.
I'm keeping an eye on uncle Jay.
- Okay, Jay -- - Don't worry. I'll pick up the spare.
-杰 -别担心 我会追上去的
No, no, no, we got bigger problems.
Um... Martin's onto us.
You need to flounce it up a little bit.
But you said that was offensive, remember?
The otters and weasels and stuff.
Okay, you know what's more offensive?
So, we need to get you lighter in those rental loafers.
What gave me away?
I'm not handsome enough. Is that it?
Perfect. Insecure and superficial --
It's a great start.
- Should we order a bottle of wine? - Yes.
Ronnie brought this big daddy from home.
Oh, Ronnie, I'm sure he has a real name.
Mr. and Mrs. Lafontaine, so nice to see you again.
- Hey, Guy. - Hi, I'm Guy. Pleasure.
-你好 -我是盖 很高兴见到你们
- Hi, Guy. - Hi.
-你好 盖 -你好
What are we celebrating tonight?
Well, uh, we're finally having dinner
with our next-door neighbors.
Well, you must be very good neighbors.
- That's so nice. - Thank you.
Oh, don't mention it.
It's nice to have you guys here.
So, how are the kids?
Uh, good. It's a little intense right now.
Uh, Alex is freaking out about
where she's gonna go to college,
and we're freaking out it's gonna be on the east coast.
Oh, yeah. Well, we get that.
R.J.'s going to New York soon.
I think I'm gonna cry harder than the day
I found out I was pregnant with him.
Yeah, what's R.J. got going on in New York?
Well, we wanted him to go to college for business,
but he wants to do his music.
So, long story short,
he's going to Juilliard.
Well, mostly for his composing.
Kid can't hit the toilet,
but he wakes up with symphonies in his head.
There we are. Would you like to taste?
- Oh, yeah. - That's a $500 bottle of wine.
That's like 100 bottles of your wine.
Yeah, let 'er rip.
Oh, come on, Cam. Admit it.
拜托 小卡 承认吧
Uncle Jay -- not gay.
Oh, my God. You could not be more wrong.
If he's acting a little weird,
it's just because...
he totally likes you.
No, he doesn't! What did he say?
不 他才没有 他说了什么
Okay, look, he -- he -- he didn't want me to say anything
好吧 听着 他不希望我说出来
That's why he's being so awkward.
is for a little zing.
Why is that guy being so nice to me?
Well, there's been a-a new little twist in the evening.
And now there's one in my beer. What's up?
I told him you have a crush on him.
Why would you do that?
Well, you tricked me into coming here, you made me gay,
now I have a boyfriend.
All these lies just to win a trophy?
Oh, those are my friends.
They're out front dropping off our wristbands.
What comes before part "B"?
Oh, my god. I've been holding that in for an hour.
Gloria, I'm not gonna make it.
We talked so big to Cam and Jay that if we don't go out,
they're never gonna let us live it down.
Or we could just blow it off, man.
No, Gloria, come on, come on.
Get up, get up. Come on, come on, come on.
起来 起来 来来来
Staying up all night -- it's in your blood.
You come from the land of coffee and cocaine!
You too! Nobody likes to dance more than the gays.
Pretend you're on a float.
Dancing. That's it. That's a good idea.
对 跳舞 好主意
Okay, dancing. Dancing.
I'm gonna turn on some music here.
Oh, my "Raise the roof" elbow's a little sore.
Oh, yeah, that must mean rain.
Oh, my god. Your kids give you that look, too?
Yeah, I swear I can't remember
what their actual faces look like.
This is fun. Isn't this fun?
To think it just took us all hating the same statue
to bring us together.
What a world it could be if people would just hate more.
Yeah, what are we gonna do about that thing, huh?
It's not right that a guy like you can't even get his job done.
Well, we could start a petition.
Yeah, or we could talk to our city councilman.
Or...how about this?
We take a rope, we tie it around the statue,
attach it to the back of my truck,
and drag it to the nearest dump.
- Uh, we can't do that. - No.
Why not? We got tons of rope.
Availability of rope isn't really the issue here.
It's -- it's destruction of property.
It's against the law.
Ronnie, we live in a civilized society.
We're not those kinds of people, you know?
Says the lady who, uh,
paired my Cabernet with fish.
So, is there anything else I can get you?
Nope. I think, uh, we've had enough.
And that means two things.
All right! Like the music!
You guys really know h--
I'm not getting good rotation tonight.
Certainly made my head spin.
Oh, what can I say to that?
Hey, can I ask you something?
What do you think of that picture?
Doesn't look a thing like you.
Exactly what I've been saying.
Not the man sitting next to me.
The rugged good looks...
piercing blue eyes.
Hell, you're -- you're somewhere between
Kevin Costner and Channing Tatum.
Who wouldn't want to be between them, huh?
Okay, Jay, you're up.
Thank you, Martin. I needed that.
There's the real Jay!
Hey, when did you get back?
I must have grabbed a little disco nap.
I don't know what that means.
You sure you guys are up for this?
- Yeah, definitely, definitely. - Of course.
-当然啦 当然 -必须的
Why don't we go dancing another time, like daytime?
Oh, you know, well, I'm pretty full of cheese, so --
If we don't go out now,
this is not about Cam and Jay making us old,
it means we are old.
This is about pride.
We need to prove that we can still go out and have fun.
Are you with me, Mitch?
- Yes, I am! - Okay.
- All right, let's go. - Okay.
Can we get some coffee on the way?
- No coffee! - No coffee!
Our team had really found its groove.
We quickly eliminated
The Pinafores and Alley Of The Dolls,
putting us in the finals against my archrival.
In the tradition of Red Sox/Yankees, Ali/Frazier,
it all came down to
The Britney Spares vs. Martin And His Merry Men.
The tension was building...
Could somebody please take these fries
before I eat them all?
... and emotions were running high.
Um, so, Jay, I just, um
那个 杰 我想说
I just wanted to say that whatever happens,
it was, uh, r-really nice meeting you.
Well, you too, Martin.
Uh, d-do -- wondering, I don't know,
w-w-would you like to have dinner sometime
or maybe hang out or,
- or something like that? - Oh, geez. You know what,
-之类的 -我的天 你知道吗
I'm, I'm, I'm really, really flattered
- No, no, it's not. - No, no, I get it, totally.
-不 不是 -没事 我完全理解
No, it's okay. I understand.
Thank you very much! Good luck!
And just like that, Martin fell apart.
By the last frame, it was all up to Jay.
Okay, Jay, we only need six pins!
I don't think it's gonna be six, guys.
We won! We won!
This is the fifth-happiest moment of my life!
Adopting Lily, marrying Mitchell,
high-school football championship,
and sitting behind Sarah Jessica Parker
Let's do this! Let's do this! Let's do this!
一起来 一起嗨 一起来嗨
Ah! We're almost 50!
The ride home, while less than a mile long,
Whatever bridges had been built
which is why red wine was a --
Hey, honey, you don't have to defend yourself.
When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color.
She'll drink whatever's put in front of her.
They put lights on it.
We have to tear that thing down. They're right.
It's the only way.
- What? - Now you're talking!
that I occasionally have sex dreams about.
Yeah, that's true. He told me.
对 那是真的 他告诉过我
- No, no, no. This is crazy. - Yes.
-不 不 这太疯狂了 -说得对
- Don't do this. - How many months do you want to spend
trying to fight through some bureaucratic red tape
to get that thing taken down
- only to be told there's nothing we can do? - Oh, no.
- What do we do? - Here, take that. Put it around.
-我们怎么弄 -拿着这个 绕过去
- Through the loop. - Yeah, I do this.
-穿个圈 -好 我来
It's too short. I got to back the truck up.
Phil, what are you doing? Come on. Open the door.
菲尔 你在干嘛 赶紧的 开门
- I can't allow this to happen! - Come on, man.
-我不能让这事发生 -拜托 伙计
I'm a respected member of the community!
I'm on bus benches!
- You're such a boy scout! - Open the door. Open the door.
-你也太守规矩了 -开门 快开门
I want that thing gone as much as anyone,
but not like this.
I'm gonna take this truck.
I'm gonna go get some fro-yo.
I suggest you use the walk home to calm down.
Once you have, you're gonna thank me.
Phil. Oh, my god! You're going back...
菲尔 老天 你在倒车...
I thought I was in drive!
We were awesome tonight, guys.
Do you think we're good enough to take on the lesbians?
One more round on me.
Good match, Martin.
You too, Jay. Congratulations.
你也是 杰 恭喜你
Thanks. I hope I didn't throw off your game at all.
No. That's all me. I do that.
不 都是我 我总是那样
I get ahead of myself.
Create expectations, build them up.
Don't worry about me. I'm going to see a life coach.
It is going to change everything.
Well, listen, I wasn't feeling great about myself tonight,
and you helped get me out of that funk.
And it wouldn't be right
for me to let you leave feeling bad.
You're a great guy,
and the reason I turned you down is because...
It's much harder to say out loud than I thought.
Who's what? What's happening?
Whoa, it feels good to finally tell someone.
I've been living in fear that I'd be found out.
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Jay, thank you for admitting that.
You are a real class act.
Give me that! That's mine! Oh, my god!
给我 那是我的 老天呐
Oh, my god, champions!
We're champions again!
- Let me out! - Oh, my god!
You're my new archrival.
- You're too good, boy scout. - Yeah.
-你太守规矩了 童子军 -是啊
That's why you need people like us around.
Admit it -- you're happy it's gone.
I'm happy it's gone,
but it's weird we're out here
instead of inside with the lights off.
It's called hiding in plain sight.
We just sit here and act like we got nothing to hide,
and they won't suspect a thing.
Folks, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Someone said they heard a big truck run over that statue.
What? Well, we wouldn't know anything about that
because we were at dinner.
Mind if I take a look at your truck?
Oh, don't call a cop "Buddy." They hate that.
No, that's his name.
I sold him a condo.
- Phil? - Yeah, Buddy.
-菲尔 -是我 巴迪
The four of us were at dinner. I can vouch for it.
If you're looking to solve a crime,
this one here had red wine with fish.
Oh, I did. I did.
Sorry to bother you. You folks have a good night.
No more boy scout.
Looks like you're sleeping with an outlaw tonight.
- No, no, I was talking to Claire. - Yeah.
-不 我在跟克莱尔说话 -是的
Are you saying you're not attracted to us?
- No, no, no... - No, no, no...
-没有 没有 -没有 没有
Mom and dad are sitting outside
with the neighbors they used to hate
yukking it up like they're all best friends.
Because there's wine?
No. Because of art.
That statue that was so offensive
provoked a conversation.
That's what art does. It brings people together.
Even if it's gross?
One person's gross is another person's beautiful.
Wow. That's really powerful.
Do you think this could bring people together?
It's a self-portrait of... my junk.
Never speak to me again.