My super-awesome family
was throwing me a surprise early birthday party.
I'm guess I'm the only one at home.
How could you do this?! Dad!
You were supposed to be my hero!
Or I forgot to meet the electrician today
to fix our faulty junction box.
Guys, I'm not gonna make excuses.
I've been really busy at work.
Well, I was halfway through straightening my hair.
And I was in the middle
of doing three weeks' worth of laundry.
And I was actually writing a term paper
right when the lights went out, and...what?
灯就灭了 然后 什么
Okay, before you guys say anything,
I only put this on because I didn't have anything --
Well, the problem obviously self-corrected,
which I knew it would.
Yeah, mom called a guy.
Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry. I got busy at work, and --
克莱尔 抱歉 我太忙了
Oh, honey, don't even worry about it.
I'm just glad the fridge is up and running.
I pre-packed all the lunches for tomorrow.
I didn't want the Brie on the sandwiches to get runny.
Don't tell me any more.
I live for the surprise.
Hey, Mom, I know you're really busy at work, but --
老妈 我知道你工作忙 不过
Sweetheart, I would never use that as an excuse.
- The cupcakes for the bake sale. - Okay.
Oh, and since we got stuck here,
I couldn't go out and get
that birthday present for my roommate.
Or my dress from the dry cleaners.
Done, done, and done.
遵命 遵命 遵命
- We have the best mom ever. - Hugs!
Wait, wait, guys. Guys, Dad's here.
等等 大伙儿 老爸在这呢
Dad, take a photo of us hugging Mom.
Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front,
I could always blame work,
but with Claire running a company
and being a better mom than ever,
I could feel the kids downgrading
their whole opinion of me.
I went from an "A" Dad to an "F" Dad.
Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail.
Failip Hum-fail Dun--
No, I had it before.
I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
You've got that open house.
Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years
and just juggling for 30.
Well, I really need that dress for an event, so --
Agenda for tomorrow -- One dress,
one set of cupcakes, one present, and that's it.
做蛋糕 买礼物 没了
I got ya! You thought I forgot.
I will be here to meet the alarm company at precisely 3:40...
You didn't make enough noise last night?
With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours.
I didn't close my eyes.
It was like being back in my village,
watching for the marauders.
I don't know what's more shocking --
You standing watch, or knowing the word "Marauders."
Please tell me I didn't sob all night
just 'cause I lost my baby blanket.
Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now.
嘘 别让他想起来 他现在挺开心的
And besides, you didn't even have a blanket.
We were basically destitute.
What, did you get hit by lightning?
Thank God that Joe has a playdate.
Vicky's picking us up.
I'm gonna make him play so hard
that he's gonna pass out tonight.
Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie Walker,
so one of us is passing out tonight.
Yeah, I know we're out of dog food.
I'll pick some up after golf.
She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways.
Thank God you don't have a daughter.
The minute that kid falls asleep,
that plane goes Amelia Earhart.
Doesn't this seem a little chintzy?
Yeah, can we go now?
No, we haven't said hello to the grooms --
Or the talented people who planned this wedding.
Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys.
Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding?
Table five needs more...ketchup.
I have to hide my face with a coat
every time the videographer comes around.
he'd never taken a cheap job like this,
but the gay-wedding business is drying up.
We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events,
and I haven't been Sherman
since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago.
We've only booked two others in months --
Adam and Michael last weekend
and Felix and Jordan next Monday.
Oh, away, you vulture.
Cam, do you think it's a little weird --
That we weren't invited to Adam and Michael's
or Felix and Jordan's? Yes. Totally weird.
都没请我们 是的 非常怪
Okay, sweetie, here's the kid's table.
Where is our table? There are no more tables.
That's us. Number 65.
Where are our friends?
Are we on some sort of gay blacklist?
- I'm not sitting there. - You're sitting there.
Oh, cupcakes, present, dress.
记得纸杯蛋糕 礼物 还有裙子
I remember. I'm gonna get on that
just as soon as I'm done with my open house.
I just wanted to clarify, where am I getting the present?
I'm in the middle of something.
I'm -- it's at the Best Buy. Ask for S-Sean -- Stan.
It's under "Dunphy".
I don't know how you do it all.
They say it takes a village to raise a family
and run a company.
Turns out, it just takes
one little suck-up from marketing named Ben.
Oh, Claire, I don't know if you heard.
They moved the Kramer meeting back to 5:00.
No, I-I have to make a lasagna for Luke's team dinner,
but I can't miss that meeting.
You know, I know my way around a kitchen.
My mom's an alcoholic.
So I could easily knock out a lasagna for you.
Ben, you are a lifesaver.
I promise I will not make a habit of it.
I kind of made a habit of it.
We only cut two classes,
and I'll send an excuse e-mail from your mom's computer.
I can't believe I agreed to ditch with you
just 'cause you gave me half your Brie sandwich.
Although that party-crashing apple slice
turned out to be a welcome plus-one.
So we can make it official now.
I have three gay uncles.
Yeah, I'm -- I'm sorry, Miles.
是的 我很抱歉 迈尔斯
No, apologize to the guys.
It's just, I'm too tired to play golf.
Damn it! The dog food!
Stella, this is your lucky day.
Gloria makes this Colombian dish
I loved when we were first dating.
I lied about a lot of things back then.
What the hell are you doing?!
That takes me three days!
Three days to prepare!
And then you say that you love it,
and you feed it to the dog?
What else have you been lying about,
Jay Kennedy Pritchett?
No Daddy kisses till Sunday after she eats this.
We have to cancel the playdate.
Joe fell asleep in the car, and I don't want to wake him up.
Thank God that Jay was out playing golf.
The last time that I left Joe sleeping in the car...
Honey, where's Joe?
Sleeping in the car.
You don't leave a kid in the car!
Why don't you just put a sign on him
saying "Free Coyote Food"?!
I have never seen anyone so mad.
Even the marauders, you could have a conversation with.
"Blah, blah, blah. Gloria Pritchett."
I hate that I have to ask this,
but you didn't type "Blah, blah, blah," did you?
You need to chill...
like my girlfriend here.
Nah, I can't enjoy that.
I just keep thinking about that girl's father.
Could you please just get that off my mom's computer?
Okay. That was your reward for ditching,
but if you don't want to...
It froze on that?
Hey. "That" Has a name.
Here, Stella. Come and get it, girl.
来 斯黛拉 来吃吧 乖孩子
- Damn it! - Damn it!
- I didn't hear you come in. - That's good.
Oh, how come you're home so early?
Too tired for golf.
I finally got him to sleep.
She wants to get out.
- I'll take her. - No, no, no. You stay here.
-我来抱她 -不 不 你待在这里
- I'll do it. - No, you can't.
I mean, w-we rarely get times like this anymore.
Joe's sleeping, Manny is at school.
Why don't we go upstairs and --
My mom got picked up by a friend.
We can take her car to the computer store
and be back before she gets home.
She left the windows down and the lights on.
Sometimes, she is so oblivious.
All I had to do was wait for Jay to fall asleep.
She'd be snoring in minutes. Piece of cake.
We are so far away from everything.
During the last toast, I saw them clink the glasses
before the sound actually reached us.
Snubbed at this wedding,
not invited to two others...
what could you have possibly done?
Sorry. I said I would switch with you at dessert.
Oh, Pepper. Pepper.
- Do you have any idea why... - Oh, sorry.
I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar
to restock something called...fixin's.
If you ever felt anything for me,
you'll push me out a window.
You know, Mitchell, m-maybe it's...
Look. I can't have this fight again.
I saw you ogling him.
Hey, as far as I'm concerned,
we never have to have this fight again.
- What? - Eavesdropping?
Trolling for business?
You've been doing it
ever since you started handling gay divorce.
It's kind of ghoulish.
- Ghoulish? - Yes.
I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around.
That's it. You're like the Angel of Death of gay marriage.
You're like a cat at an old-folks' home
who curls up next to somebody about to die.
They're judging me?
Felix and Jordan sell fur.
Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you overhearing us.
Some friends of ours are breaking up,
and they need a good divorce lawyer.
Do you have a card?
We couldn't help overhearing you
talking about you overhearing you overhearing you.
Are you really doing gay divorces now? We had no idea.
I was just overhearing you guys overhearing...
Good Lord, it's like a game of Princess Telephone.
Here is my card, and just to be clear,
none of you knew I was doing gay divorces?
- No. - Oh, interesting.
That's very interesting. Have a good time at the wedding.
Well, how about this ghoulish profession
that no one seems to have a problem with except for you?
Look, I'm sorry, but you've always been a little cynical,
and I was worried you seeing all these marriages collapse
would push you further in that direction.
No, no, it's the opposite.
不 不 恰恰相反
Being around all these unhappy couples
makes me even more grateful for what we have.
That's so sweet. Are...
are you sure that's not the cash bar talking?
You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Maybe this is why nobody wants us around
is because we cause an emotional scene everywhere we go.
I'll never be the son he wants.
What's to become of us?
Well, now I'm stumped.
Yep. That refrigerates stuff.
But you know the saying...
All good open houses must come to an end by 2:00 on the dot.
Oh, but my mom's still on her way.
She's giving us our down payment.
You knew the rules when you married a drummer.
Are we keeping you from something?
Why don't we greet your mom
with the smell of fresh-baked cupcakes?
The ingredients are in here.
Will, grab a whisk.
I'll be back before you two are frosting.
I'm on my way to pick it up, Stan.
I'll be there in like 5...
The cupcakes burned.
Well, it still smells homey.
And it gives Mom a chance
to see how well this state-of-the-art smoke alarm works!
Come with me, Mom!
Let me show you around the rest of this dream house!
You see, even ironing is a delight here,
where you can feel a cool breeze
wafting in from the open sliders.
Huzzah! Your own gift-wrapping room,
just like the rich and famous.
Go right ahead. There we go.
Sorry I'm late, guys, but fear not.
One birthday present.
Wrapped in baby-shower paper.
One crisply pressed dress.
With one big pleat it didn't used to have.
At least we know why you were late.
Looks like you rescued those cupcakes
from a burning bakery.
Don't worry. Mom made those on the off chance
what everyone knew was gonna happen happened.
She also bought me that new dress.
Oh, and I hope you kept the receipt,
because Mom bought a backup.
Well, don't be mad at your mom for underestimating me.
Oh, how could we, when she made us
this fresh hand-churned ice cream?
Oh, you know what we should do?
We should send her a picture of us eating it.
I guess it's a good thing I came home when I did.
It'd be better if I did it.
You churned ice cream?
Yeah. Did the kids like it?
- They loved it. - Great.
But they know I can't make ice cream.
I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog
after three Bloody Marys.
It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage for six years.
You've got to dial it way back.
Where is this fear and anger coming from?
You're gonna get us caught!
You knew the risks when we started this.
I'm just saying we're getting a little bit sloppy.
All the impossible errands, the fancy sandwiches.
Just slap a little tuna on whole wheat
- for the next couple of days. - What? N--
-吞拿鱼就够了 -你说什么 不行
Just until things cool off.
I was just trying to make you happy.
You're not gonna stop me, are you?
Coffee cart's only in the lobby until 4:00.
Thank you, Claire.
This is mortifying.
Whoever we ask to fix this
is gonna see what we're watching and think we're pervs.
You're so grown-up now.
Yeah. Uh, this is Manny.
Marianne used to be our babysitter.
Remember when you asked me to marry you?
"I wuv you, Marianne."
Well, nice to meet you. We should get going.
Okay. Bye, guys. Best to your family, okay?
好吧 再见了 给家里带好
I'd like to see the look on Mawianne's face
if she knew what a degenerate you turned into.
What are we gonna do? Mom's gonna be home any minute.
"Hola, papi. Have you seen my computer?"
"Oh, sure, Mom. It's over there,
"当然了 妈妈 就在那
where that naked girl's entertaining
her school's basketball team."
I'm face-timing Alex.
She'll know what to do.
Computer glitch. The screen's frozen.
- Let me see. - I'd rather not.
Well, I just have to finish this paper.
I'll call you in an hour.
Oh, hey there, cutie pie.
Thank you, Alex, but could you please hurry
谢谢夸奖 艾丽克斯 但你能快点写
- and call us back? - I was talk--
She knows I'm forbidden fruit.
I'm sure that's half the appeal.
How long since you have been up?
Oh, about a minute before you.
Oh, can you do me a favor?
Can you go and look at the laundry?
I think it's done.
Sure, but, honey, I think I slept kind of weird.
当然了 但是亲爱的 我睡得有点不舒服
Could you run back upstairs and get me my heating pad?
Why is Stella going crazy there?
Stella, get out of here!
Hi, there. How's everybody doing?
What's up with Stella?
Where have you two been?
Is that my computer?!
- Don't open that! - Don't open that!
- Is that Joe's plane? - Don't open that!
A lot of unanswered questions here, it seems like.
Why don't we all just...take a step back?
now I am going to go and take a little walk.
Luke and I have some homework to do upstairs.
And I'm going... to the little boy's room.
They have taken pictures at every table but ours.
Because their photographer isn't Diane Arbus.
Who else would want a record of this Fever Dream?
Are you gonna finish this?
They didn't budget a staff meal.
It's our own fault we're poor.
When we had money,
we spent it all on drunken sailors.
You mean "like drunken sailors"?
Pepper, before you run off again,
why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs?
Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way
you declined those last two wedding invitations.
We didn't get those invitations.
I got the RSVPs myself
to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan.
Just a big "X" In the "Will Not Attend" Box.
No excuse, no gift.
Of course you put people off.
It's just not classy.
How old are these pudding cups?!
There's a vending machine in the lobby.
If I lie down next to it,
will you push it over on me?
How could we RSVP to wedding invitations that we never got?
Okay, party people, on your feet.
You guys cool if I take off?
No. Sweetie, what's been going on with you?
不 亲爱的 你怎么了
You've wanted to leave since we got here.
Hey, y'all coming?
Come on, Lily. Let's go dance.
走啦 莉莉 我们去跳舞
No! No dancing. It's too embarrassing.
不 不跳 这太尴尬了
No. You're a good dancer, sweetie.
不是的 你跳得非常棒 亲爱的
Not me. You two.
You don't like our dancing? Why?
You're not good. That's why I hate weddings.
Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to some weddings
等等 莉莉 你是不是回复了一些婚礼邀请
Yes. Punish me, ground me.
是的 惩罚我吧 给我禁足吧
I just can't watch it again.
Oh, you're gonna be punished.
Mitchell, wait. I know how she feels.
米奇尔 等一下 我理解她的感受
Did we really embarrass you that bad?
Well, yeah. I mean, I still love you, but...
是的 我依然爱你们 但
Why are your shoulders moving?
Well, we always knew there
would be something you didn't like about us.
We're just glad that
it's something we're so good at.
If anybody asks, I'm with you.
Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for,
是的 加文 我准备好了你要的
and I'm on my way.
All these errands I have to do for my boss.
I swear, if it wasn't for me,
he'd never get anything.
Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out
海莉 拜托 我正试图弄清
how your mom's getting all these things done by yourself.
When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear myself think,
Could Claire be using an assistant?
I decided to retrace every errand she allegedly ran today
She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. To 1:30,
leaving her a 90-minute window to buy Haley's dress,
see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present,
where she could start baking the cupcakes,
drag the churn in from the garage,
churn, wrap, and frost,
搅拌 包装 上霜
leaving her a scant eight minutes at school pick-up time
to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting.
Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route were green,
this task would be...
I don't know who made that ice cream,
but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty bowl
of "Mom's A Big Fake."
Ben, what are you still doing here?
I'm just making sandwiches for the kids.
Don't worry. They'll never know.
I'm using store-brand Gouda and this domestic mustard.
No, you don't understand.
My husband could be home any minute.
You've got to leave.
"Thanks for the advice, Mom. It worked great."
"谢谢你的建议 老妈 太有用了"
Oh, well, you left your phone on your desk,
and Alex texted when you were in that staff meeting.
She seemed really upset, so I took care of it.
It was, like, boy stuff, whatever.
Ben, we got to stop doing this.
No, it's fine. I just said what you would have said.
But I didn't say anything.
I-I wasn't there for my daughter at all.
I-I'm so damn busy trying to be the perfect mom
and -- and the perfect boss,
but I'm outsourcing the one job that means the most to me,
and I really miss it.
I miss being a mom.
Even if I'm a so-so mom
that barely has time to make a soggy tuna-fish sandwich, I...
- Then you should get back to that. - Yeah.
And I should get back to the office.
Oh, no. Ben, you don't have to do that.
不 本 你不需要这么做
My mom's got a "date" With her new boyfriend,
so I'm gonna crash in the showroom.
So, before you open this, I just want to say
this is not the kind of thing I'm usually in to.
It's all him, by the way.
Oh, don't show it to me!
Oh, God. Please, tell me it worked.
women are not all vacuous nymphomaniacs
looking to seduce every man that crosses their path.
Bye, you dirty little boy!
Kind of a mixed message right?
I'll talk to her.