Excuse me, do I know you?
You look so familiar. Why am I picturing a bench ad?
Minor celebrity. Guilty as charged.
You're the "Accidentes" guy.
I'm Mr. Real Estate -- Phil Dunphy.
I am actually looking for a house right now.
Well, if I could be of any service...
I don't -- I don't have any cards.
I'm in my gym clothes.
Oh, I see you earned that hot chocolate.
Yeah, I rocked a pretty intense
Shake Weights/Power Walk Combo.
Saw your daughter yesterday. Boy, she is growing up fast.
Here is my number.
If you find any good three-bedrooms in the neighborhood,
I'd love to see them.
Well, I'll call you. I'd love to show them to you.
I'm not just a pretty face people sit on.
Forget...I said that.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Just a woman I m-met inside.
Really? She gave you her number?
And dotted her "i" with a little heart?
Oh, yeah. She's looking for a house.
Don't know why I said that.
No idea where that came from.
Thick Irish accent.
I should have told the truth,
but Claire knows I have... a type.
It was just a little white lie.
I didn't see you there.
Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay Talking."
You know what really gets my goat?
The only thing worse than goat cheese
is eating it at a communal table
with some jerk wearing a hat inside.
And pull up your pants!
Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty Bell.
Greatest country on the damn planet.
If, six months ago,
you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet show,
I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up."
I used to entertain my staff with jokes and observations.
I started sharing those gems around the house.
Manny went so nuts for it, he set up the whole webcast.
Sorry, Internet. He's your problem now.
抱歉 互联网 把锅甩给你们了
Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags,
'cause I like hashbrowns.
that's just "Jay Talking."
90 minutes just flew by.
The comments are already rolling in!
"Keep it up, Jay."
"You're saying what we're all thinking."
"I miss Chop Suey, too."
because now everybody gets to see what I live with.
What the hell? This guy again?
Some meatball named "LadyKiller52"
been dogging me for days.
Look what he wrote.
"Hey, Grandpa, no one cares what you think."
Are you sure that that's not from Haley?
Here's another one. The same jerk!
"It's weird you don't like goat cheese
when you've got a goat face."
Well, that makes no sense.
What kind of goat eats its own cheese?
Here I am, trying to make America laugh and think,
我来这里 想为美国人带来欢笑 引发思考
and this hockey puck's coming at me with tired insults.
Okay, I-it's called a troll, Jay.
好吧 他就是在故意煽动 杰
But you can't let him or anything else
keep you from directing all of your opinions
into that computer.
You're right, Manny.
It's tough being in the public eye.
Now I know why Sinatra was always punching guys.
You do a lot of yoga, right?
But all those judgy vegans
with their ponytails and their Lululemon,
I'm like, "Nama-stay home," You know what I mean?
I just started taking it,
but I think that the instructor is hitting on me.
- He is. - How do you know?
Because you're you in yoga pants.
Just go to another class.
But this one is perfect.
It's at the same time as Joe's Gymboree,
Ay, why don't you come with me today
and tell me if I'm just being crazy?
Sure. Text me the info.
today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking".
He takes on restaurants
that write their menus on blackboards.
I want to feel a menu in my hands!
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.
I don't know. I just miss you.
We could talk about anything.
How about... Watergate?
were the three most significant ways
Like, what would you say
it changed American politics?
Cite your sources.
I'm not writing your essay.
Okay. See you at Easter.
How'd your showing with Angie-with-a-heart go?
Oh, fine. Uneventful.
This shower's really small.
Could you imagine me in here?
Weird thing -- I was with her for two hours,
I couldn't pick her out of a crowd.
Really? That is weird.
Nothing weird about it.
You just said it was weird.
That's weird. Give me a kiss!
What are you up to, buddy?
Writing a paper on President Nixon.
He had it all and just threw it away
because of some stupid lie.
Well, maybe it came out of his mouth
before he knew what he was saying.
Okay, but then he just kept lying over and over
and making it worse and worse.
Phil, how old is Angie?
Oh, uh, gosh... 70. Why?
I was thinking about that house on Forsyth.
It's nice but has a lot of stairs.
No. She's too... fat for that.
Therefore, I shall resign the presidency
effective at noon tomorrow.
If only he had told the truth.
He was in too deep!
Check out what I got!
Thought we could go to the park tomorrow
and you could finally learn.
What pavement tastes like?
Well, Lily, when you're ready, it's here for you.
Mitchell, can I, um, speak to you in the bedroom
about the, uh, dust ruffle?
Don't worry -- the dust ruffle's leaving.
Okay, why are you doing this?
We need Lily to get on this bike.
Why are you pushing this so hard?
She's clearly afraid.
She's been afraid of a lot of things lately.
Last week, she wouldn't even open her closet door
because she thought something scary was in there.
Could be the denim jumpsuit your mom made her.
This is a pivotal moment.
We can't raise a child
who won't ride a bike or get on an airplane
or eat mayonnaise.
It's a texture thing. How does egg become that?
We are doing this tomorrow. She is getting on this bike.
What's the rush? She's 8 years old.
Most Vietnamese kids her age are already riding a bike to work.
So, where's Mahatma Handsy?
I noticed that you have a lot of these yoga puns.
I don't think we need any more.
Okay. Now I get the one from before.
Like the sunrise in Tanjung Rhu.
You have a great yoga body. You've done this before?
Um, yeah. I mean, it's been a little while, but yeah.
Great posture, strong core.
We're going to have fun.
Maybe I've just been stressed lately, but I was wrong.
We are lifting our hips towards the ceiling.
Very nice, Claire.
Ra was very supportive.
Maybe I just never had the right teacher.
Am I doing it right?
And they validate parking.
I've had it with this LadyKiller son of a bitch.
He's been lobbing insults all night.
"Hey, dumbbell, I can smell your breath through the Internet."
They can't do that, right?
Jay, take it from a fellow performer --
If you're going to put yourself out there,
you need to let the criticism roll off your back.
I must say, I was impressed you didn't mope for a month
说真的 我蛮惊讶的 你居然没有因为
after that brutal review of you in "Sound of Music".
What are you talking about? There was no review.
There was no school paper that week.
Eeeeeexactly. There was no paper that week.
I am not going to stand here
and let you accuse me of stealing all of those papers!
He didn't say that.
"After seeing Manny Delgado
mangle the role of Captain Von Trapp,
all I can say is "Doe-a-dear Lord, make it stop.
"我只想说 上帝啊 让他停下吧"
I am 16 going on antidepressants.
I wanted to climb every mountain and jump off."
What teacher allowed this?
Oh, I'm so glad you called.
I've just been having the worst week.
It's been so overwhelming and so much --
You know what helps? A cocktail.
Listen, I've got a situation.
Do you know any computer nerds
that can track someone down on the Internet?
Yeah, I think I can find a few.
Okay! How exciting is this, Lily?
好了 很激动吧 莉莉
In no time at all, you're gonna be a bike rider.
Or a corpse. Okay...
I know you're afraid, and sometimes it's helpful
if you say exactly what you're afraid of out loud.
I'm afraid I'll fall
because I'm not ready and you forced me,
so for the rest of my life, I'll hold it against you.
And then other times,
it's just best to tamp it down and soldier on.
I said this when you pried her out of the car,
and I'll say this again -- she doesn't want to do this!
She will when she sees how easy it is for me.
See? Easy as pie!
Okay, look, Lily, if you don't want to do this --
- I don't want to do this. - Okay.
Um... look. All right. I'm gonna talk to Daddy.
But just promise me you'll learn someday, okay?
And that you'll get on a plane.
Why wouldn't I get on a plane? What's wrong with them?
Nothing. They're safer than cars.
Cars aren't safe?! Oh, my God.
Okay! Look -- here's Daddy.
Here we are, safe and sound!
- What's wrong? -Nothing.
I just think I left the oven on at home after breakfast,
so we should get going.
No, you had cereal for breakfast.
I wiped out, and I think I broke my arm.
I've never been in so much pain.
Got to get you to an ER.
No, don't! No, no!
不 不要 不要
If Lily sees me hurt, she's never gonna get on a bike.
You crashed because of that shirtless jogger, didn't you?
Oh, my God. Right?
Oh, Gloria! I was wondering if you were gonna be here today.
What are you doing here?
I got to say, I thought I was over yoga,
but yesterday was a real eye-opener.
"Eye" or "Thigh"?
I thought it was a very challenging class,
and I don't really appreciate anything else you're implying,
'cause you're a little...
Of what? Of him rubbing you
like he was expecting a genie to come out?
Look, you are so used to being the center of men's attention
that yesterday, it probably bothered you that I... got some.
Attention. That's all. Just attention.
关注 仅此而已 仅仅是关注
That's insane. I am a married woman.
I am used to getting no attention.
No, Angie, you're like right around the corner from me.
不 安吉 你离我只有一个转角
Yeah, turn left, walk west,
对 向左转 朝西走
and I'll see you in front of the hair salon.
All right. See you in a minute.
What are you guys up to?
I have a yoga class.
And, apparently, Claire does, too.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just on my way to show more houses
to my fat, Irish client, Angie O'Plasty.
I will tell Ra that you're here.
Ra is our yoga instructor.
Oh, she must be great. You're here two days in a row.
She's a little old.
Don't know why I said that.
See you black home.
Pretty sure I know why I said that.
This is the most pain I've ever been in in my life.
And a horse once kicked me into an electric fence.
Well, C-Cam, yeah, you broke your arm.
You got to go to the hospital.
I'll go in, draw myself a bath,
pretend to fall and break my arm.
In the meantime, go get those painkillers
that they gave you when you twisted your ankle.
Oh, I think I threw those away.
Or are they in the nightstand next to your bed
because they go good with a glass of wine?
Can you open these?
Uh...sure. Yeah. Now?
There's a fun way to open these
I don't know if I've ever taught you.
Bon appetit. Bath time!
Okay, so, I got the --
What happened here?
Daddy opened the chips.
With what -- a snowblower?
Oh, I wonder what that noise was.
I hope Daddy's okay!
- Daddy! - Oh, no!
-大爸 -噢 不
Looks like you fell and broke your, uh, left arm.
No, Mitchell, I fell. I really fell.
不 米奇尔 我摔了 真心摔了
- Oh, really? - Really.
My head hurts. And my arm.
I'm never taking a bath again!
Too bad you didn't fall off a stripper pole.
That is the left. Left.
Well, this is the address Alex's nerds gave me,
but it's not where I pictured a troll living.
"After his performance in 'The Sound of Music,'"
"Christopher Plummer went on to a distinguished acting career."
After Delgado's performance, I expect he'll go on
"to a distinguished plumbing career."
Focus! I need you to film this for my show tomorrow.
美国传统教育允许用拳头解决问题 但要自己承担责任 同时未成年人不打比自己小的 成年人不打未成年人
By the way, if the punk's under 18, you have to hit him.
What?! I never agreed to that!
You've got to be kidding me.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm here to punch LadyKiller in his fat face.
I'm sorry. Can we start over? I was on "Photo."
Go ahead. Any time.
I crushed you in the closet game,
and I'm crushing it on the Internet.
Put that rat down, and I'll crush you on your porch.
Like that is gonna be any more painful than your stupid rant,
"When did restaurants get so loud?"
I should have known it was you --
all those typos from your stubby fingers.
Watch it. I got my mother's hands.
You also have your mother's mustache.
- Hold this! - Hold this.
That went on for a good 20 seconds.
Why do we keep doing this?!
Isn't it obvious?
You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed.
We made each other better
than I ever thought we could be.
Pushed each other to greatness.
We're talking about closets here, right?
Oh, I'm sorry -- You mean the sanctuary
where a man dons his armor in the morning
and takes stock of the battle at night?!
The one thing we all have in common --
presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers,
from sea to shining sea!
This is taking a weird turn.
We did kind of bring out the best in each other,
Why did you have to retire, Pritchett?
I miss the fire.
I guess I miss it, too.
All right, here's something.
What if we do the show together?
I'm not gonna let you glom onto my new hit show!
We could do like a -- like a point/counterpoint kind of thing.
Like I would say something like, uh...
"Let's get rid of pennies," And you would say...
Of course we should get rid of pennies!
They're annoying to own
and make you feel bad when you throw them out.
All right, what -- what if I said "I miss milkmen"?
Who doesn't miss milkmen?
The glass bottle, little bow tie.
What am I, an idiot? I don't miss milkmen?
Okay, well, then you think of something!
I'm not the one auditioning.
Here's something that represents my unique brand of thinking.
When I fly, I like luggage fees.
Why should us carry-on folk have to foot the bill
for those morons who don't know how to pack?!
Three weeks, I went from Edinburgh to Warsaw
on two pairs of pants and a tam-o'-shanter.
I'm falling asleep.
- I love naps! - Who doesn't?
This is ridiculous!
The irony that, despite you two being mortal enemies,
it appears you agree on everything?
It's that this jackass thinks
he can actually bring something new to "Jay Talking."
Come on! We would be magic!
You already stole one company from me.
You're not getting this.
I will start my own show.
I'll call it... "Earls of Wisdom."
I'll see you in the comments section.
I'll just turn the comments off.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
Then why am I here?!
Really, you don't have to do this.
If I don't drive you to get your keys,
how are you gonna get your car?
This is me right here.
Not here. Not here. Two down.
不是这里 不是这里 后两间
Oh, there's a stomach cramp.
Much better. Uh, right here.
With the mailbox that says "Porterfields"?
Yep. It is a joke that we play with the mailman. Long story.
是的 这是我们跟邮差开的玩笑 说来话长
I will be right back.
Hey, Claire? It's Ra.
The readout said "Ira Burnbaum".
Yeah. Uh, "Ra" is short for "Ira."
Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to get together,
maybe grab a shower and a movie?
Ira, I'm a married woman. That's not gonna happen.
伊拉 我结婚了 这是不可能的
I didn't pick up that energy when I was planking you.
Phil! What are you doing home?
I lost my car keys. Who were you talking to?
- Nobody. Why are your pants ripped? - No reason.
-没有谁 为什么你裤子破了 -没有为什么
Here they are. See you later!
Phil, why didn't you show me this house?
It has everything I want.
I forgot it was for sale.
I remember -- It's built cheap.
It...looks pretty solid to me.
Well, it's mostly held up by beehives.
Phil, what is going on?
Nothing. Just trying to keep you away from all that asbestos.
Do you not want me as a neighbor?
I-I can't do this anymore. No more lies.
It is related to that.
I did not peg you for a racist.
Wait. No, no, no, no, no!
等等 不 不 不 不
Wait, wait, wait. Angie...
等等 等等 安吉
It's always the last people you think.
We're done. Goodbye, Phil.
我们结束了 再见 菲尔
No, Angie! That's not it!
不 安吉 不是这样的
I lied to my wife
because she knows I have a thing for black women!
So, that was Angie O'Hara?
But only because she's beautiful and you get a little crazy.
Why the hell did I say that?!
You're being so understanding. It's so unlike you.
Are you secretly mad?
Are you lulling me into a false sense of security?
Are you gonna do something to me while I'm asleep?
Phil, you know what really gets my goat?
Guess men are men.
I don't know why I expected anything more.
I want to apologize. You were right.
It did bother me that Ra gave you all the attention.
He's an attractive man, and you're a very sexy woman.
Of course he put his hands all over you.
You know what really gets my goat?
Okay, Lily. Let's do this.
好吧 莉莉 开始吧
Can we just please give this a rest
until you're fully recovered?
No. Mitchell, we're in too deep.
不 米奇尔 我们都陷得太深了
I have a broken arm, and I can't remember
any of my grade-school teachers' names.
Yeah, you've mentioned that four times now.
- Have I really? - Yeah.
All right. Uh, Lily, let's -- let's get on the bike.
好吧 莉莉 上车吧
One leg at a time over.
Feet on the pedals. Perfect.
And then we start pedaling.
Mitchell, we start pedaling.
- Don't let go! - Okay.
- I'm not ready. - She's not ready!
Mitchell, sidebar, please.
Okay. Okay. Stopping.
好的 好的 停下来
Just put your feet down. Be right back.
What's wrong, Lily? Don't you know how to ride a bike?
怎么了 莉莉 你不会骑自行车吗
Yeah, Sydney. I'm just showing him how to teach a kid.
我会 悉尼 我只是在教他们怎么教小孩
Okay, I'm dragging my feet because I have a brain injury.
Why are you dragging yours, again?
Because I don't want her to get hurt!
No, see, it's not the worst thing in the world
that she's actually starting to be cautious.
She used to fly off of bookcases and jump off of swing sets,
and now she's trying to protect herself.
And what kind of life is she gonna have
if she's scared of everything?
A life where I don't have to worry about her.
So you're the one that's afraid.
It's dangerous out there.
T-There's so much weird stuff going on in the world,
and I just... I want her to be safe.
I guess we can wait a couple weeks if she wants to.
Oh, my gosh! That's so great!
Ohh, everything's gonna be okay.
Miss Tweeddale -- fourth grade.
Mr. Kleezak! Mr. Lundgren!
Oh, my God. I told...
Angie, thank you so much for meeting me.
This is my wife, Claire.
You need to know that my husband
is the furthest thing from a racist.
I love black women.
Maybe a little too much.
So, I told her that you were white,
which is the only reason
I didn't want you living across the street.
I didn't want her to find out that I was lying.
Well, I am relieved.
Although it is a little offensive to be reduced to a type.
Of course. I'm sorry.
Hey, babe. Everything okay?
Uh, yeah. Everything's fine.
It's just a big misunderstanding.
And his wife, Claire.
Yeah. Apology accepted.