Hey, thank you. Here's an Andrew Jackson.
Make a clean set of sheets happen,
I'll introduce you to his twin brother.
You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me?
Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train.
Rail is a last bastion of respectable travel
now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention.
We are all traveling to Portland
because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried.
It means the end of those damn alimony payments,
so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it.
It'll be, "I do", "I do", "I'm done".
Dude, how much choice action are we gonna get on this trip?
I'm managing my expectations.
Don't you know anything about trains?
The vibrations get them all worked up.
Also, they're trapped, which is nice.
We're just gonna go bang out this toast for Mom.
Yeah. Shouldn't have waited till the last minute.
It'll be a nice distraction from your motion sickness.
It's good, as long as I'm not facing backwards
when the train is -- Oh, God, no.
All right, I got it.
There you go. Fixed point.
Oh, my God, it can't be.
What? No, it's not a bald spot.
什么 不是啦 不是秃头啦
I slept on it funny last night.
No. The guy two rows back.
Hastings. Oh, my --
You're a fan of his, too?
He's my favorite author.
Don't tell Mitchell, but I was so engrossed
in his last book, I didn't feed Lily for a day and a half.
Simon Hastings is the genius behind
the Silverton mystery novels.
"A Death of Fresh Air."
The world has been waiting
for the final book of the trilogy
for almost, what, 10 years?
I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction.
I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate
with "Open House, Closed Casket."
We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author.
Gentlemen, the words are all out there.
I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way.
- Droll. Droll is what it is. - Classic Hastings.
-滑稽 太滑稽了 -典型的黑斯廷斯
That by any chance isn't the --
the next Silverton novel, is it?
You mean "Locomotive for Murder"?
It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it.
Well, I hope you won't be disappointed.
Lovely to meet you.
What's your process?
Are the characters just speaking through you?
How important is plot?
Here's an idea -- how would you two like
to sit quietly and read the first chapter?
- My... - What?
Your treasure is in good hands.
We are also members of the artistic community.
What? We're on a train,
and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel.
I get it, and I love it.
Wonderful Victorian tea hat.
Thank you. Top-notch travel derby.
Ma'am. See you at high tea.
He acts like someone with low "T".
Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum.
Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.
You got an extra book?
Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre",
but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.
"Hurricane Harriet". It's mostly pictures.
So, what's Harriet's deal?
She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone,
but never realizes it.
Doesn't sound very realistic.
Ah, do you guys know where the bathroom is?
First-class ticket, please.
I just came looking for the bathroom.
My ticket is in my seat.
Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear that?
Just go back where you came from.
Go back where I came from?
So, Harriet just sent those people right into a bear cave?
She never knows what she's doing.
You mind if I sit here?
You have a beautiful smile.
They make fun of you for wearing your headgear,
but, hey, look at me now.
Uh, honey, do you have my ticket?
I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe.
Sorry, babe. Back to coach.
抱歉 宝贝 回站票车厢去
"Mom has always been a free spirit."
"She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles
'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello!
Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in.
Uh, how about this one?
"The secret to her chocolate chip cookies
was a dash of salt --"
"And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced."
Claire, this is toast, not a roast.
克莱尔 是要祝福她 不是要苛责她
Are you uncomfortable because, for the first time in your life,
you have to be the straight man?
Saying "Hello" doesn't make mean things funny.
Well, you don't get to decide.
How come you get to decide?
'Cause Mom asked me and not you.
I included you because I felt bad.
That's fine. I don't care.
You can do it yourself.
- I don't care. - Claire.
When my wife shows up later,
"Iced tea" means Scotch.
Grandpa, do you think it's weird
Nana invited you to her wedding?
I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's ever done.
Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever marry her?
She was cute, but the constant nuttiness of Dede
wore me down, robbed me of my will to live.
One day, she pushed me off the edge.
I ran out of the house.
They found me shirtless in the local fire station.
This, uh, Dede that you're speaking of --
um, is that Dede Pritchett, by chance?
She's marrying my father.
No. We're traveling to the wedding right now...
if there is one.
I've got to call Dad.
I told you that woman was off.
I'm gonna need $18 back.
Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings.
Um, do you know -- have they developed a cure yet?
A blown mind -- because we have two of them.
- Oh, thank you. - Oh, thank you.
Well, we are just dying to know how the conductor got
all the way from the front to the back, kill the ambassador,
There's an escape hatch in the control room.
He climbs up, crawls his way across
the top of the train to the caboose.
There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to magnetic shoes,
he hangs down, shoots the ambassador,
then crawls back the way he came.
That is so ingenious.
How does he avoid the video cameras?
- Yeah. - I beg your pardon.
On top of the train.
He's on a train that doesn't have any cameras.
Oh, no, they all have cameras now -- Big Brother.
I just read an article about it in Rail World,
the magazine in your seat pocket --
also a great interview with amateur conductor
Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't possible.
And if the ambassador is still alive,
then there's no reason for Silverton to be in Nigeria.
And if that's the case, he's not at the coup,
which means the whole thing doesn't work.
Dear God, I have no book.
Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos.
What are you still doing here? Go find him.
Come on, it's a better love story
than the one you're reading.
You're the beautiful, high-class, smart girl,
你美丽 高贵 聪明
and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes
with a bunch of hobos in coach.
It's a $20 difference.
Alex, you got this.
Trains make guys crazy.
When were you ever on a train?
In Vegas, between my plane and the luggage area.
Stuff went down.
Fine. I'll go for it.
Manny likes hats, doesn't he?
Ooh, someone's still got a crush.
I'm not proud of it.
I tried to get past it.
But, you know, trains.
不过 火车嘛 你懂的
Well, I think you look cute, and I bet he would, too.
Let me guess -- shoulders tired from striking out so hard?
Ooh, I see a dime piece over there.
That means she's a 10.
Yeah. I speak d-bag.
Luke, she's a little old.
Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90.
Doesn't mean I don't pretend she's my pillow every now and then.
How does he have prospects?
If it makes you feel any better,
that one's got a big crush on you.
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.
I've always sensed a little heat from Alex.
A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat
unless she wants to get into his blazer.
Look, I'm sorry I told you
that Mom picked me for the toast and not you.
I've always had a special relationship with her.
Sure, like the one between a witch and her flying monkey.
Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against me.
Mom manipulates you.
She uses you against the rest of us.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, God, if only I could think of an example.
Oh, wait, here's one of 30.
She blew off Alex's graduation, but she didn't tell us.
so we would all dump on you instead of her.
And now she bans me from giving a toast,
and we're fighting about it.
Come on. She's using you like a human shield.
Does that seem like a healthy relationship?
Why don't you give that some thought
while you're getting me a refill?
When did you even drink that?
You've been talking the whole time.
Fine. I don't get anything.
Before you call your dad,
what I was saying about Dede
was me just covering up because I lost
the greatest, most stable person I've ever known.
But you seemed so angry.
It's because I can't get over her.
I've tried everything --
therapy, pills, electricity.
理疗 吃药 电击
It's just that I miss her so much.
I-I'm gonna see the luckiest man in the world
marry the most wonderful woman in the world,
and I have nobody.
This woman says she's your wife.
Never seen her before.
But here's someone I do know -- my son, Mitchell.
但我认识这位 我儿子 米奇尔
Mitchell and Dede are great pals.
Tell these lovely folks about your mother.
She's a scheming dragon woman
hell-bent on destroying everyone around her.
You pick today to realize that?!
I finally got him to see Mom
for who she really is -- a nasty, old nutjob.
But she's someone else's problem now, huh?
Wait a minute. You know what?
I don't know these people, either.
Let's go. Excuse me.
Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud.
Sounds like you need a drink.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
I used to have something of a...
Oh, come on. I feel weird drinking alone.
I don't. I just wanted him to pay.
The last time I was this bladdered,
I parked my fist right in Salman Rushdie's smug gob.
Do you know Adele?
- There he is. - Hey. Just checking in. Hi.
Ooh, celebrating solving your problem?
After 10 years of paralyzing writer's block,
I at last felt that I was drinking
directly from the teat of the muse.
But she was no muse.
Such a gift for language.
At the next stop, I'm going to burn this book.
Yes. It will be the last act of my career.
Well, not counting the panel discussion in Portland.
It would be rude to cancel.
There's a wine-and-cheese reception.
You have to finish.
What if we proved it could happen?
Maybe there's another way
for the murderer to get to the caboose and back.
I've filled the train with characters
who cannot know that the engineer has left his post.
Wait. Did we just stop?
- No. I don't think so. - No. Mnh-mnh.
-不 我不觉得 -没有
Look how beautiful California is.
The best part about taking the train,
as I often do for my work with, uh, the children,
has got to be the scenery.
What's your favorite spot?
Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh...
the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior.
Huh. I don't think I've seen that.
Can you excuse me for just a pinch?
Getting swollen 'cause that's how you close.
if you see a tie on our door, Luke's starting to score.
It's a little hard to root for you right now.
So, where were we?
Is this your first time seeing the Central Coast, Big Sur?
No, it's not, little miss.
不 不是的 小姐
I can't wait to watch the sunset over the Andes tonight.
Not like my view right now isn't fantastic.
You know, if you're into it,
I think I could show you a few things.
Uh... It's a little loud in here.
Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet.
I want to make sure I capture your beauty.
I hope you like it.
So, he's not an artist. Who cares?
People in first class think they have it made
with their early boarding and their slightly cleaner seats.
But they don't know what living is.
I'll take a long line for the bathroom
if that bathroom is in heaven.
I'm so glad you came back here.
Do you have a compartment?
I do, but how will you get up there?
Oh, by the way, I'm in compartment 18B,
as in, "Boy, are you cute."
Idiot. Just keep walking.
- Oh, good. - Guys, guys, guys, come on.
-太好了 -各位 各位 别这样
The only signal we need is this.
My kids in the back -- they don't hate Dede.
They're preparing a roast for the wedding.
That's how our family shows love.
You'll get a taste of it at the reception.
What are you, Italian?
We'll do a whole thing,
unless you shoot the place up first.
Oh. See? That kind of stuff.
Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you!
I don't know why you're pretending
that you don't know me,
but I'm sure it's for some stupid and selfish reason!
She really is your wife?
Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a train
to my next wedding.
You're driving me insane.
Oh, I see what's going on.
Don't listen to her.
Dede's not crazy. You are.
Uh, my father's marrying Dede.
Yes, he is, and let's celebrate.
是的 他要结婚 一起庆祝吧
And, again, I'm sorry to have worried you guys about Dede.
It's not like Carl's father is such a prize.
He snapped and burned your mom's house down.
Uh, we're doing a roast, too.
Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a roast.
We needed to prove that the crime was feasible,
so I would play the role of engineer/murderer.
And I would play the role of everyone else.
When my hometown theater's production of "Robin Hood"
was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into the role
of Maid Marian in addition to playing the Friar.
- Tuck? - Didn't have to.
The costume hid it quite nicely.
The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard
was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious.
It's Turkish for "From the top."
I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting.
Did you forget Count Maxim du Vernay
brought his service Shar-pei?
If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part.
Hi. You ready for me?
I believe I've Googled everything I need to know.
So, let's get started.
This is California.
Lake Superior is here, all the way across --
Are you trying to take off my shoe?
I thought you wanted to show me things.
I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you need one.
我是个地理老师 孩子 你真需要补补课了
Are you kidding me?
If her new husband is an arsonist,
you guys have to tell her.
Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down one house.
各位 冷静点 那家伙烧过一座房子
He's not in jail, so he's got the government's A-okay.
I recently discovered I have some issues with Mom,
I don't want her to wake up in a burning house
just so you don't have to pay alimony.
I love Mom, too... usually.
But if this wedding doesn't happen,
you know where she's gonna end up in 10 years --
su casa or...my...casa.
Besides, the first wife obviously drove the guy nuts.
How do we know your mother's gonna --
Luke, you're such a quick learner.
Thanks. I had no idea that was there.
I'll be out in a second.
This is so naughty.
I was going to see Alex and let her down easy.
I mean, she's family. It's taboo.
I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you know, trains.
Ooh. Dark. I like it.
I-I was going to let you down!
Well, your hat was garish.
Have any of you guys seen the guy
I was dancing with earlier?
So, it turns out James got off right after I left him.
On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is gone.
Mr. Hastings, we did it.
We made it to the caboose and back without being seen.
Your book works.
I can't believe it. Are you sure?
- Yes! - Yes. It's a combination of slithering, clever disguise,
-是的 -是的 结合了渺小 智慧和伪装
and not to write the book for you,
but it would help if the Count had a wooden hand.
Well, I was sort of in that area anyway.
A thousand thank-yous.
Oh, you guys are doing that book thing, right?
- Yeah. - Well, I don't know if this helps at all,
but I was just talking to the engineer.
It turns out he can't leave the controls
because of what's called a dead man's switch.
If he takes his foot off of it, the whole train stops.
Anyway, you're welcome.
If the engineer can't leave the controls, then...
He can't commit the murder.
Hastings, we are so sorry.
It's time to rid myself
of this 500-hundred page stain.
Wait! No! No, no, no, no!
- No! No, no! - Open, damn you!
-不 不要 -该死 怎么打不开
Is that the back of the train?
Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn.
Only two of them in the continental United States,
one of which is here in California,
which is in North America.
Sadly, I know all of this now.
The engineer -- he never has to leave the controls.
He waits for the horseshoe turn.
Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose.
This is brilliant!
I can't believe you two clowns have saved my book.
Actually, it's just one clown.
- Hey, Mom! Hi! - Hi, Mom!
-老妈 -好啊 老妈
Well, hello, original family.
Dede, we have something we have to tell you.
Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this.
Just can't think of it.
Your fiancé's a pyro.
He burnt down his ex-wife's house.
It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day.
Mom, we just thought you should know.
Jerry told me everything.
Trust me. She had it coming.
The woman's "Cah-razy."
So, you're okay he's a firebug?
He's passionate, Jay.
He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you.
Maybe if you had burned our house down,
we'd still be together.
My mistake. You're right, Dede.
是我的错 你说得对 迪迪
Great, Mom. See you at the wedding.
很好 妈妈 婚礼上见
Bye. Claire, you're not mad at me
再见 克莱尔 我为你安排的座位
about your seating arrangements?
Why? Where am I sitting?
Mitchell, tell her.
You're not sitting at the family table.
Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction,
"Open House, Closed Casket."
"He looked up at the pristine crown molding
in the great room and felt the breeze
of the recently updated central air.
'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable corner lot
was split in half, so, too, is Mr. Coruthers.'
The widow gasped and steadied herself
on the granite kitchen island, a fitting metaphor
for how alone she felt, despite being walking distance
to a vibrant shopping district and wonderful schools."
I've been avoiding him for the last two weeks.