While I do love our tradition
of still getting together on Saturday for thanksgiving leftovers,
maybe next time we can order a turkey
that doesn't have its own event horizon.
I know it's totally gonna slay them
in my astrophysics club.
First time anyone in that club gets slayed.
Let me give you a hug goodbye.
I cannot believe that you're already going to college.
It seems like yesterday when you were a little girl
reading at college level.
I have a hot study partner coming over, so --
What are you making, my little chef?
I'm making pasghetti!
I remember when I had everyone in the palm of my hand
with a two-foot putt like "Pasghetti."
We both know you know how to say it.
Hey, guys, thanks again for helping me to get that listing.
- Pretty sexy, huh? - Ridonk.
This place makes the playboy mansion
look like an old folks' home.
Which I guess it kind of is now.
Infinity pool, killer views,
state-of-the-art game room, home theater...
Plus that four-person shower.
Did you know that's where Cyril met his new husband?
Even the security code's sexy.
Literally. It spells out "Sexy" on the keypad.
Even I think that's trying too hard,
and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.
And that master bathtub alone has been in four rap videos
plus a murder re-creation on a "Dateline" special
called "Rub-a-dub Dead."
When I was younger,
I was a little embarrassed
my dad was just a real-estate agent.
But as I got older, I realized,
Hey, he may not have the coolest job in the world,
But he puts food on the table
and has access to a bunch of empty houses
I can sneak into."
Wow. Nice pool at the three-bedroom in Hillgrove.
one of my kids showing interest in the family biz.
Oh, I don't know if I'm smart enough for that.
You have to remember so much stuff,
like when anyone's gonna be there.
That's what the datebook's for.
Plus you have to remember
all of those lock-box combinations.
I just use a very special birthday.
I left my watch by Cyril's tub.
I'm usually extra careful not to leave any trace
that I was at one of my dad's houses,
But this tub has 16 pulsating jets,
and the whole floor vibrates
with something called "Swedish Release".
It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the driveway.
I'm so sorry, grandpa.
I have to go do this thing for work.
- Thanks. - Hold on.
No one leaves this house without a bag of meat.
Can you believe how conscientious
our little girl has become?
Racing off to work on a Saturday.
There's a 30% chance she thinks it's friday,
Are you still mad at me?
I lost my cool on Phil last night.
But in my defense, I had been traveling all day,
and we had different ideas
about how we were gonna spend the evening.
Get in here right now.
Get in this tub, you dirty girl.
Oh, honey, that is so sweet,
but I've been up since 5:00 a.m.
Don't overthink it, babe. Just take the plunge.
别想太多 宝贝 快跳进来吧
Oh, good, you're back.
Could you grab the underwater camera?
You're bathing with them now?
They waddled into the garage and got oil on them.
And then when they were in here by themselves,
all they wanted to do was horse around, so...
I spent the morning in Berkeley
and the afternoon in Portland.
I deserve to feel clean again.
But now the nice, soothing tub
that I've been dreaming about all day
is filled with feathers and motor oil and probably bird flu.
So, no. No. You just sit tight,
and I will use the hose in the backyard.
Could you still grab the camera?
Okay. I was harsh.
But the flight back from Portland was rough.
The overheads were packed with foldable bikes,
and I was sitting next to a guy using a typewriter.
Still, Phil is really holding on to this one.
Well, Phil's mad at me.
Come here, little girl.
Let me give you a hug.
You're not shy with those hugs today, are you?
- Oh, and come here. - Oh, me too?
I don't know what it is,
But I get so emotional around the holidays.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
不 不 不 不 不
Mr. Dunphy? Is that you?
Andy, wh-- uh, what are you doing here?
Setting up for an open house tomorrow.
What are you d--
Splish, splash, who was taking a bath?!
I snuck over last night, but the faucet leaked,
and I guess I was so mellowed out
I forgot to drain the tub.
That's pretty darn mellowed out.
Were you burning incense?
Uh, yep. Sure was. Okay.
Well, I'll lay some towels down. You drain the tub.
No, I'm checking my makeup in the reflection.
Here. Let me help.
No, no. I can get it.
No. Isn't this the tub from the Lil Wayne video?
I put our clothes in the dryer.
I made an executive decision --
Went with the Irish mountain dryer sheets.
What does an Irish mountain smell like?
We'll find out in 30, 35 minutes.
Hey, uh, don't tell my dad I was here, okay?
I suppose I could do you that wee favor.
Do me a second favor...
Yeah, I don't love it, either.
taking a bath over here, anyway?
Oh, I just wanted a few hours to myself.
You know, I live in my parents' basement,
I broke up with Dylan,
I was depressed about how much I ate at Thanksgiving...
You broke up with Dylan, huh?
Yeah. Actually, it was the day
that we saw you and Beth at that movie.
You guys seemed so great together
I guess I just thought, "I want that."
But for what it's worth,
Beth and I are not perfect.
Things come up when you plan a wedding.
Really? There's such a thing as Mormon drama?
There was when Beth's uncle found out
we're serving coffee at the reception.
Plus, she doesn't want me to have a bachelor party.
It is one night before the rest of your life.
- You should do it up. - That's what I said.
Well, to my mirror, but you're right.
I deserve one adventure before I settle down.
Look what you did. Here.
Well, yeah, I mean, you got to do something fun.
Um... maybe you try and fix it.
Yeah. It should be simple enough.
O...kay... I did not mean to do that.
Um, maybe try this one?
Maybe we shouldn't touch any more buttons.
Uh... what were we talking about?
Having an adventure.
Oh, God, is that my dad?
'tis a fine kettle of fish we're in!
Get in the laundry room!
and sad news from the zoo,
Chuffa the panda has suffered a m--
Stop touching stuff!
Well, you're not shy with those hugs today, are you?
I don't know what it is,
but I get so emotional around the holidays.
- Oh, I get it. - I really do.
- I love you. - I love you too.
we're surprising the family with a trip to Miami.
The travel company needs everybody's driver's license
That's where "sticky fingers" here
comes in handy.
Everybody has a bad cousin
that teaches you a few things.
Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket,
how to hot-wire a car,
how to put tacks on your shoe
when you want to throw off a-a lie-detector test.
Which cousin was this?
Phil, honey, remember those gutter covers
that we ordered like a year ago?
Please kill me if I ever find gutter covers exciting.
I know. That marriage is staler
than a box of cupcakes at a supermodel retreat.
Thank you again for coming!
It was our pleasure. You're always so...
generous to have us!
Ay, I'm sorry. I didn't wanted to tickle you.
It's just that I love how this fabric feel.
What is the name of this material?
Oh, and they feel so tight, huh?
Oh, a little holiday trick.
Keeps me from eating too much.
I think you're too tense.
What the hell is going --
- Hey, hon. - Yeah?
We didn't get much of a chance to talk today.
But, honestly, I don't want to bore you.
Oh, well, at least start the story.
Okay. Um, well, I got back from Portland,
and Phil was in the bathtub with all the ducks,
and I just completely lost it.
And, yes, I've apologized...
but he's really not letting go of it this time.
I -- you're so strong!
Work's taking up a lot of your time, isn't it?
You're taking his side on this?
I've been you on this.
When I was bogged down with work,
your mother and I fought all the time.
I mean, maybe not about ducks. I'm not a weirdo.
But maybe he's mad at you because you're not around.
But I only took like two trips.
Just 'cause you're around doesn't mean you're around.
That's one of those loopy things mom would say.
I used to pretend that I didn't understand it, too,
Why not just make some time for each other?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'll take him for a weekend up north, huh?
- What do you think? - Sure.
Yeah. Or leave him.
You're still attractive. Worked great for me.
I am still in shock about
the deal we got on those ice-cube trays.
I know. It's like we pulled off the great tray robbery.
You know, it says we're supposed to
throw them in the dishwasher,
but I'm just gonna give them a rinse.
Oh, you are so bad!
You know, since we got all of our errands done early
and we do have a little extra time on our hands...
and Lily's at a sleepover.
Just -- right there. A little to the right.
Right -- yeah. Perfect. Now turn.
好了 非常棒 放手
I have been wanting to flip that mattress for months.
I know. It feels good to get stuff done.
- Yeah, it does! - Yes!
So, other than Lily,
we have no real reason to be alive, right?
Oh, God, is that my dad?
Get in the laundry room!
And sad news from the zoo,
Chuffa the panda has suffered a m--
Are you sure we should be doing this?
Mitchell, we just high-fived over flipping a mattress.
That's way sadder than Phil and Claire's gutter covers.
Plus, Cyril won't care.
It's not like he hasn't had his fun in our place.
- What? When? - At your birthday party.
-啥 什么时候 -在你生日派对上
He and Gregory were in the bathroom for like an hour.
Oh, no. That's 'cause Gregory lost a contact lens.
Okay, you're adorable.
All right, now, I'm gonna go make some cocktails,
and then when that sun goes down...
you and I can get cozy in the hot tub, okay?
Ohh, I like the sound of that.
I'm gonna put on some mood music, huh?
Hey, Cam, don't they have a remote
- that controls everything? - Yeah, I think so.
You know where he keeps that?
Well, ours is always getting buried in the couch.
Ooh, I like this song.
Would you like a show to go with it?
- Mitchell! - Who's Mitchell?
Welder by day...
stripper by choice.
My unwed sister is seven months pregnant.
My mother has some uterine issues
not covered by medicare.
But if you want to make it rain, I will --
Mitchell! Sweetie, are you okay?
米奇尔 亲爱的 你没事吧
How's the lamp? Is it okay? Does it work?
灯呢 没坏吧 还能亮吗
- It's fine. See? - Okay.
-好着呢 你看 -那就好
All right, now, come on. Let's get back on track.
好了 来吧 做正经事要紧
- Yes. - I'll go get the cocktails.
You make yourself comfortable.
Maybe something a little more lively?
It's not "Adam and Steve", damn it.
Corpses as far as the eye can see.
What you don't know about your ice-cube tray
Maybe the first station.
Oh, what's happening?
Don't worry about Claire.
You've got me all afternoon.
Honey, remember those gutter covers
that we ordered like a year ago?
Good news. They shipped!
Claire's been working a lot lately,
and it's been...great.
It's given me a lot more time for "Battle Beasts of Gar",
this massive online role-playing game.
And with Cyril's state-of-the-art gaming system,
I've been able to take my half-dwarf, half-ox fire mage --
to a whole new level.
Our guild, thugsquad,
has been trying to plan a raid against our arch-rival guild,
led by the ruthless SexyBeast,
and I got a text saying it was finally happening.
That is, if I could get Claire
to be okay with me disappearing for a few hours.
Phil, honey, I want to apologize.
菲尔 亲爱的 我想跟你道个歉
For what? You haven't -
been around at all. I know.
I know, and I want to make it up to you.
It was very hurtful.
Yeah. It's just sometimes I get so caught up in work
that even when I am around, I'm not around.
I don't want to beat you up about that.
It's healing time now.
You know, what I'd love
is a few hours at cyril's house this afternoon.
I was thinking about that
role-playing thing I'm into?
Phil and I have, on occasion,
adopted various alter-egos to spice up our marriage.
Cyril's house does sound
kind of perfect for some romance.
And I like that Phil wants to move past this, so...
Did you have a particular genre in mind
for this afternoon's game?
Yes. Medieval fantasy.
Oh, SexyBeast, you are gonna get so spanked.
No, say "Fridger-frater."
But it's refrigerator.
I need you to focus, kid.
Fridger-frater -- where we keep the sammiches.
People seem delighted by Joe. Whatever.
But I had that fetching study partner coming over,
and I realized I could use Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness
to my amorous advantage.
Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.
But it's sandwich.
It's like you're not even trying.
Okay, that's probably her.
L-look, just be cute, okay? For my sake.
It's like when guys use puppies to attract girls.
- Hi, Manny. - Uh, Olive. Please come in.
-你好 曼尼 -奥莉薇 请进
That's my little brother, Joe.
Don't mind his little pot there.
Hey, what do you have in there again?
Some kind of pasta dish?
Yeah, he's always doing adorable stuff like that
'cause I'm his hero.
Are you a good doggie or a bad doggie?
- Adorable. - I know.
Uh, so should we head up?
Oh, my god! Get it off me!
Uh...no! Joe! Joe!
不 乔 快下来乔
- What are you doing? - He's biting me! Do something!
-你在干嘛 -他在咬我 快帮帮我
- Bad Joe! - That's just making him bite me harder!
A person is not a sammich, Joe!
Joe, what are you doing?
Did you know Phil was gonna be here?
No. I-I wear a T-shirt in the pool.
Do you think I want him to see me in the middle of this?
Well, we only have one six-pack.
So, in a way, it's good all the girls said no.
What are you doing here?
Oh, um, my S.A.T. prep group
needed a quiet place to study.
You ain't studying acting.
Okay. We don't have time for this.
- Your father -- - Everybody freeze!
-你爸 -- -所有人都不许动
Eyes on those blood bats! Let's burn 'em down fast!
Come on, Madskillz87!
You're supposed to be on spell interrupt!
Do not let those casters get off any more frost traps!
Lisa, looks like it's you and me on the lava demon.
Let's send them back to hell in time for Madskillz
to make it to his oboe lesson!
- And I thought my dad was embarrassing. - Shut up.
Okay, let's go. Let's go.
Ohh, gettin' right to it.
Please, sir, have pity.
求你了 先生 发发慈悲[模仿英国口音]
It's true I'm just a common thief,
but if you have mercy,
- I'll make it worth your while -- - Oh, yes.
What medieval creature is this?
Half-man, half-robot... welder?
If you come out now, you simpering coward,
maybe I'll show you a little mercy.
Please don't hurt me! It was her idea!
I'm the one who wanted to go slow!
- Reuben? - Oh, Alex!
- Claire? - Reuben again?
He wore a batman cape to the first day of high school!
You're really judging me right now
when you look like a hooker at comic-con?
Yes, this was a miscalculation on my part,
- and I will be getting my coat... - Claire,
- what is going on? - ...and getting out of here as soon as I -
-怎么回事 -尽快离开这里 我...
Is that beer behind your back?
Get out here! You are so grounded!
Mrs. Dunphy, do you ever tutor?
I'm just gonna grab my razor scooter and bounce.
- Happy birth-- - Happy birth--
No, you know it's no one's birthday.
You're probably here for the same reason as those two.
Well, technically, this is your fault,
because we were afraid our marriage
was getting as boring as yours.
Though based on her outfit,
we need to work a little harder.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
I'm the only one authorized to be here.
By sneaking in, you've disrespected me,
and violated the trust between me, my clients,
and this sexy, sexy house.
Great. Now Lisa's dead.
I want everybody out of here right now!
Well, at least we have our house to ourselves still.
Does magic Mitch have another set him in?
Yeah. His grandma's built-up shoe isn't gonna pay for itself.
Okay, we need to work on your sexy patter.
Off the lamp. Off the lamp.
Okay, before you get any stupid ideas,
Reuben and I broke in here
so I could help him with his math.
Good luck getting through to that guy.
- Honey. - Yes?
I'm sorry. That -- that little outburst
was mainly directed at them.
Whatever misunderstanding led to this,
I'm... happy about.
I thought you were upset
because we hadn't spent any time together.
And then you said you wanted some role-playing fun...
Honey, I know you've been working really hard lately,
and I-I appreciate any time I can get with you.
- So you're not mad at me? - Silence, Elvin harlot.
-所以你没生我的气吗 -安静 埃尔文的妓女
Ohh, sorry, my lord.
Didn't mean to offend.
But you have, craven wench.
And I shall mete out punishment as --
I can hear you guys giggling.
At least I have a girlfriend!
Well, that was crazy.
My ticker hasn't gotten a workout that good
since I made the finals of that cup-stacking competition.
Hey, should I take these robes upstairs?
I'm gonna pop mine in the washer.
I've got about three pounds of tension sweat in here.
I feel kind of bad about before.
Don't. We didn't do anything.
I know. It just felt like something could've...
- If everybody hadn't... - Yeah.
You know what it is.
- It's the house. - It's the house!
I mean, the fireplace, the music...
The crazy couch-bed.
Anyone could've gotten swept up.
- Anyone. - Anyone. Yeah.
-任何人 -任何人 是啊
Well, I should get going.
I mean, it was a fun afternoon, though.
I wanted one crazy adventure before I got married,
Good. It was fun.
What's Joe doing in Stella's cage?
He knows what he did.
Go on, boy! Get!
出来 孩子 出来
since Miami's only a few hours away from Colombia,
why don't we have my relatives fly to Miami
so that the whole family can be together?
Gloria, I love your family. I do.
歌洛莉亚 我爱你的家人 真的
- But -- - This is so typical.
We do everything for your family,
but when it comes to my side of the family, then --
- We're not going to Miami. - What?
I bought everybody plane tickets to Colombia.
That's not what you were supposed to do!
I think you mean "You shouldn't have,"
and you're probably right.
No! I mean you shouldn't have been nice about this at all!
You were supposed to say,
"Why can't we see your family some other time?"
and I would say, "Like when?"
and then you would say, "Is never an option?"
and I would say, "That's so mean, Jay Pritchett!"
而我会说 "怎么能这样说话 杰·普里契特"
and then you would say,
"Is there a way that I can make it up to you, Gloria?"
and then I would say, "How about if..."
Yeah. Come in, come in.
Does this feel like a short visit to you or a long one?
The pregnant one brought a stroller.