Uh, are you sure it's okay that we're here?
Yeah. We have the house to ourselves for hours.
Sure, but, uh, aren't you worried about someone coming?
Oh, you were serious?
Sorry. Did you...?
Oh, yeah. I had the floor a few minutes ago.
Yeah, remember when I yelled "Boomtown"?
I'm gonna hop in the shower, okay?
So I was thinking...
Someone break into the house and take you hostage?
Did you tell them I've watched John Wick
and John Wick 2 so many times?
Why are you in a towel?
Nothing. Just showering.
- Listen, I can explain. - Shut up!
-听我说 我可以解释 -闭嘴
Damn it, Boone, I swear to God, if it's one of my friends...
该死的 布恩 我发誓 如果是我的朋友...
Just calm down. Let me speak.
- She still here? - No. I mean, who?
-她还在吗 -不在了 不是 你说谁
Hi, Daddy. Girl Scouts got cancelled.
Did you get my Bitmoji?
I was going to send you one of poop,
but Mom said that was beneath me.
Mom, come watch me play piano.
I just learned "City of Stars."
Isn't that, like, four notes?
- Hi, Boone. - Hey, Neil.
-嗨 布恩 -你好 尼尔
- Thank you. - Is it new?
- Yeah. - I didn't know you were a lesbian now.
They are gonna love your fat little tits.
See, this is exactly
why my therapist told me not to talk to you.
Neil? Neil? Neil? Neil? Neil?
尼尔 尼尔 尼尔 尼尔 尼尔
I didn't mean it. No, don't you dare!
- Where are the locks on this thing?! - That's it.
Damn it, let me go, you maniac!
该死 放开我 你这个疯子
- Oh, get off of me! - My dick's on your leg.
- Oh, my dick's on your leg. My dick's on your leg! - No!
-我鸡巴顶到你大腿了 顶到你大腿了 -不
See you tomorrow, honey!
Sorry about your leg.
So we pull out to reveal that the 7-Eleven--
- it's actually a 9/11. - Which is why
the Slurpee machines got hit by little airplanes.
7-Eleven, Building 7.
- Maybe there's something there? - Oh, hell yeah,
- there's something there. - You teach me every day.
I saw this video on YouTube...
Every day, you teach me.
Got to tell my buddy Brent
the good news about our sketch.
He's my main dude.
So much of a best friendship
is supporting each other through disappointments,
that you got to share the small, good things
just to balance it out.
Sounds like me and Carlos. Mencia.
We ride our Ducatis down PCH every Sunday,
and then we just chat for hours.
This sounds weird to me for some reason.
It's because, as men, we're conditioned
to emotionally shut ourselves off from each other.
It's why half of all men die of loneliness.
These relationships sound beautiful.
- I want that. - Me, too.
I thought your roommate was your main dude, the Australian.
But we don't have that kind of relationship at all.
If your needs aren't being met in the relationship,
you need to take a stand, bro.
Okay. I'm gonna do it.
I'm so proud of you, Edgar.
It's no Ducati, but, uh, I have an old ATV
that's street legal
if you and Carlos ever want a third.
So I'm tearing down the stairs
just as his wife is walking up to the house.
I have no way out,
but I remember there's a back door.
Mm, there's always a back door.
I thought banging a hubby was hot,
but now that I almost came face-to-face with his wife,
I feel slightly...
What's the word?
It's like bad, but involves other people.
- Carsick? Hard fart? Murder? - No.
-晕车 放屁出屎 谋杀 -不是
you like taking that "D" on the reg, right, dawg?
你喜欢操他 对吗 姐们
- No diggity. - Then enjoy that shit.
If this hubster's cheating on a frumpus
who masturbates with a children's vibrator,
that's his problem. You do you.
You know what? You're actually right.
I know. Business has made me hella smart.
Pass the sweet salt.
Plus, I have to admit,
it was pretty hot almost getting caught banging in their bed.
So, what's up with you?
Not much. Now that you're taking old dick,
I don't really have anyone to party with.
What about your work friends? They seem...
Yeah, they're cool.
Tara makes ugly metal art and Jeff is a Halloween person,
but we're not really friends.
- How come? - I don't know, I just feel like
-为什么 -我也不知道 我就是觉得
when I'm at work, I need to keep shit locked down.
Sounds like Work Lindsay sucks.
So, what you're saying is
I should just be myself, and they'll want to be my friends?
Uh, okay! Sounds great!
- Call you later. - Have fun with that "D" for me.
- Are you okay? - Edgar, last night I had a revelation.
-你还好吗 -埃德加 昨晚我顿悟了
Gretchen clearly brought that man home for my benefit.
I thought she brought him home to have sex with him.
That's what she wanted us to think.
I mean, they absolutely did have sex. A lot.
The noises were highly disturbing.
And he's a screamer. But then around 3:00 a.m.,
I realized it was a false flag.
They could have had sex anywhere, so why here?
- Because she hates you? - That's what I thought.
But then, around 4:00 a.m., I realized, no,
但之后 在凌晨4点左右 我意识到不是这样的
it is because she loves me.
So I am not leaving this house
until I blow the lid off her ruse.
What about the book expo? It's your book release.
Staying here is far more important.
Well, it sounds like you have a lot going on
and just need a friend to talk through it with.
Why don't we go get some steaks, have a nice Cab, and...
- we can hash it out? - I didn't start listening
-好好聊聊 想想办法 -直到你说"牛排和啤酒"
until "Steaks and Cab," But yes, very smart.
Edgar, you're not as dumb as I think you are.
So, I'm at Coachella,
and Hozier kicks me out of his trailer,
and I'm already sore,
and then there's Father John Misty,
all cranked up and ready to go, so I'm like,
all right, I guess we're doing this.
You're pretty limber for an old guy.
Can't you hang for a bit?
I know we're both grown-ups, but...
I have some residual...
I feel like it starts with a "G."
- Guilt? - That sounds wrong.
I have guilt on Olivia.
I don't feel like I'm using it right.
She texted you yesterday.
That's why I bailed.
Sorry for snooping.
- I'm a stinker. - It's my fault.
I've been trying to keep her out of this.
- Do you love her? - Of course I love her.
Then aren't you worried about having to face her
knowing we just had sex in her house?
Why'd you bring that up?
I'm just trying to be real, dude.
I mean... not to be gross,
but at some point she's gonna come home,
get in bed, and what, lie in it?
- Jesus, Gretchen! - What?
-老天 格雷琴 -怎么
She is. She's gonna lie right in it.
She sleeps here with you, doesn't she?
- I mean, every now and then. - Enough to keep her toys here.
- What?! - I found one of her toys yesterday.
So? They're all over the house.
- What does that have to do with anything? - I don't know!
I'm just not thrilled about the idea of getting into your bed
and seeing Olivia's pubes everywhere.
She doesn't have pubes!
And I just said that.
You know what? Forget it!
I shouldn't have said anything!
Where's your other bathroom?
Just out there! You psycho!
So, you see, this can only mean
that her levels of anger are accelerating.
She went from pure rage to sex revenge in record time.
Our inevitable reunion can't be far off.
This sounds like an uncert...
Plus, a family of raccoons has taken residence in the box spring
Gretchen jettisoned into the yard,
so that's a dangerous wild card.
Why do you think she did that?
Like, I wonder if there's some deeper meaning...
And Book Lady can't seem to understand why I must stay here
and forgo The Romance and Erotica Book Expo.
God, that's a bad name.
You'd think a room full of writers could do better.
Where the hell is our waiter?
This mediocre Nebbiolo isn't gonna refill itself.
What are you doing?
Jimmy, I've got to say something here.
We've lived together for...
what, four years now?
Hey, no. Look at me. Jimmy.
不 看着我 吉米
- I care about you. - Jimmy!
What's up, ladies?
Vernon and... Paul?
Why do you look so...
Generally: Men's Rights Activism.
Tells people I have my shit together.
Sorry, guys, but we were just in the middle of something.
Bec forbade me from ever seeing him again.
You know, on account of loyalty and junk.
So, one day we're both online,
playing League of Legends, and I realized
I miss the little cuck.
Why don't you two join us?
Wait, but we were just starting...
Hell, yeah, four-way bro-down?
We look like the poster from Rounders. So tight!
- Yes? - I'll have a vodka soda.
And no, I'm not trying to rape you.
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the woods.
The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared."
So the pedophile says,
"You're scared? I have to walk back by myself."
No, Gretchen, he killed the kid.
不 格雷琴 他杀了那个孩子
No. Boone. He has a daughter!
不是 是布恩 他有个女儿
I was just starting to be okay with the wife thing.
Now I have to be okay with him having a kid?
No. No. Gretch, some ding-dong wife is one thing,
不 不 格雷琴 有个白痴老婆是一回事
but a kid, that's way too much drama.
But... now that he has a kid,
isn't it like he's even more unavailable?
- No! - Okay, but just hear me out.
-才不是 -好吧 但先听我说完
No. No! No, no. No.
不行 不行 不行
But what if I try to end it and he cries,
Oh, never mind. No one ever fights for me.
"Making friends with your coworkers" thing going?
Great. I'm totally being myself. They love it.
很好 我完全做真实的自己 他们很喜欢
You missed my Chris Rock impression.
Does Carl have anything good in the fridge?
Homemade lasagna from his mom. It's amazing.
But there's only one piece left, so hurry.
Why are you throwing rocks at my house?
I can't see you anymore.
'Cause I just talked to my friend,
who once dated a Romanian gymnastics coach,
and even she thinks this is a bad idea.
Anyway, I just wish you'd told me you had a kid.
I did. We just had a whole conversation about her.
No, we talked about your wife.
I'm not married. When did we talk about my wife?
First of all, you told me about your wedding
the day that we met. And second of all,
we just talked all about her, like four hours ago.
First of all, people get divorced.
And second of all, I was talking about my daughter,
Olivia, who's awesome.
My ex-wife's name is Whitney, who sucks.
So this whole time...
you're not married?
- No. - Then why have we been sneaking around
and boning in hotels and cars and shit?
Because it was sexy and exciting.
Wait. You thought I was married
and you were just cool with it?
It was sexy and exciting.
Why'd you want me to be married so badly?
Because with a married dude, there's no future in it.
This is all just too much right now.
But do we worry about men's health?
Did you know that 50% of domestic violence
- is woman on man? - Absolutely not true.
I can't believe I haven't seen you in three months.
Gretchen was on the pod talking mad shit the other day
that you proposed to her and then bailed,
but I know that couldn't be right.
- No, that's accurate. - So epic!
-不 事实就是那样 -太赞了
So, Jimmy's actions are vilified,
and yet Julia Roberts's antics in Runaway Bride
are delightfuland quirky... Nauseating.
You want to go somewhere and get a real drink?
- Continue our conver... - Edgar.
I was being deliberately obtuse before,
- but I know what you're doing. - You do?
You're trying to deepen our relationship,
become more intimate.
- I'm so happy you... - Edgar, look at me.
-我很高兴你... -埃德加 看着我
From the bottom of my heart,
this thing you want between us,
is never ever going to happen.
I truly appreciate the effort, but no thank you.
我真的很感激你做出的努力 不过免了 谢谢
Screw you, Jimmy.
I'm not proud of my cowardly behavior,
so I'm biding my time whilst Gretchen punishes me.
To tell you the truth,
it's massively painful to see her with someone else.
I gave myself a hernia crying so hard after one of Lindsay's sessions.
That's really rough, Jimmy.
Male bonding can be enjoyable.
It's too bad he left before things got deep.
Actually, I'm having a hard time with Becca lately.
Let's go run game on some creep- shaming lezzies.
Well, there's a couple of Clydesdales that need shoeing.
Hey, guys. Want to grab - a drink or something?
Oh, can't. I'm on a strict early agrarian sleep cycle.
Man, I could really use one, but I got band practice.
Hey, you were funny today.
Yeah. Jeff told me your pedo joke.
♪ And you know I like your style ♪
♪ Yeah, you know I like your style and ♪
♪ All the jewelry ♪
♪ And the platinum ♪
♪ I'm a real one ♪
♪ They all like my style ♪
♪ And, yeah, I know you like my style. ♪
I just wish I had someone I could really connect with.
It's like, no one gets me.
I went to the circus for lunch.
See? I just want to have stupid fun like this
- with my dumb coworkers. - I know.
Why is it so hard to find someone to get close with?
You dropped something.
I told myself that if you came out
and asked me to stay, I would.
It's just, I've never had anyone fight for me and I thought:
只是 从来没人争取过我 我心想
maybe someone would someday.
Maybe that's a thing I'm deserving of.
But then I thought, "Hey,
maybe you just don't give people a chance to fight for you."
So I thought I'd give you a couple cigarettes' worth of a chance.
Don't go, Gretchen.
You want to stay over?
Olivia went with Whitney
to Neil's French horn recital.
I hate him so much.
Whose vibrator did I find in the bedside table?
Listen, I've changed my mind about the expo.
听我说 关于书展的事 我改变主意了
I- I'll see you Sunday.