I know you're asleep,
but I just wanted to say our talk last night really...
It really was just... so unexpected.
And I know we didn't say anything,
but this morning I'm feeling...
What are you smiling about over there,
like some sort of gooneybird?
Jimmy and I fell asleep on the phone last night.
So, do you think we'll be in the same homeroom together next year?
I know. It was just really... nice.
我懂的 但真的很... 美好
Does that mean you're back riding that yogurt tube?
Well, what are you going to do about it?
I'm not really a "do something about stuff" kind of person.
I'm more of a "it's too late to buy a wedding gift,
so I'll just stop being friends with them" kind of person.
Cool. Well, that story finished dumb.
It all ends today, Gretch.
Becca ruined my life,
and she needs to know how much damage she's caused me.
And then I'm gonna punch that stupid bitch in her stupid bitch face.
Ooh, I should probably take these off.
Hooker fights dirty.
Okay, let me just press record.
Before you hit her, I'm gonna yell, "worldstar."
Oh, wait. Is it after?
We'll shoot it both ways.
Rest in peace, Penny the Penguin.
I never thought you'd jump.
She finally flew. If only for one or two seconds.
Dude, are you sure Birds is for kids?
That's the second suicide
and they haven't even left the island yet.
When Doug assigned us to parody this movie,
I don't think he realized how depressing it is.
Well, I have some highly exciting news.
The Width of a Peach is a bestseller!
It is number seven on Amazon's Erotica list,
number five on Amazon's Erotica subcategory Historical Romance list,
and number one on Amazon's Erotica subcategory
Historical Romance subcategories: World War II, UK and Family Fun.
I really hope you allow yourself to enjoy this special time.
We're co-writers at Doug Loves Sketches.
Bro, you missed a sick party here last night.
Yeah, I-I wouldn't call it a party.
It was more like a meeting.
Oh, stop. I know all about it.
I talked to Gretchen on the phone last night.
It was just like old times. Easy. Natural.
就跟以前一样 轻松 自然
We caught up, we joked about the many hilarious tragic ends
which may have befallen Killian.
And then, we fell asleep on the phone together.
I don't want to get ahead of myself,
Edgar and other person, but...
I think the door is opening.
You have to tell him.
I don't want to tell him.
Gretchen brought Boone to the party last night.
And his daughter Olivia. So cute.
Wise, you know? How some kids just look wise?
很聪明 懂吗 有些孩子看起来就是很聪明
Like, there's something in their eyes that lets you know
Like, you can just rap to them, like people, you know?
Where's your friend?
So, when my agent called about the role
on ABC's Man in the Middle, I was so excited.
You know, I'm playing a grandmother,
which is a wink-wink to the audience, of course,
because as if that were possible.
Did your apartment get taken over by pigeons again?
Thanks for telling me Mom was coming.
Of course she would visit Tallulah, my baby,
that I actually had.
Hey, can someone take her for a little while?
I'm doing an all-night shift and I'm running on fumes.
I got these pills they use to wake people up from comas,
but now I can hear my blinks.
I had her, you watch her. That was the deal.
孩子我来生 你来带 我们说好了的
Besides, my mommy's visiting me.
Oh, you know, that reminds me...
Vernon, I received a welcome bag from the show,
and I thought you might want this.
A real-life Bluetooth speaker! No way!
Hope you like Sublime.
Mommy, I'm so happy you're here.
Guess what I'm doing now.
- I... - Sometimes when I just look around
at the life I've made,
my husband, my baby, my beautiful house...
我的丈夫 我的孩子 漂亮的房子
Your total estimated worth of zero dollars.
Your associate's degree in fitness.
This kid just dropped a major dook.
I am talking a post Homestyle Buffet widowmaker.
- Oh, my... - Mom, I'm a stylist now.
-好臭 -妈 我现在是时装设计师
I read a really long book.
I bought a new underwear.
I have a gay friend.
- I tricked a dog! - Girls!
Girls, you don't have to compete for my attention.
I'm never gonna tell you which one I like better.
Oh, you haven't seen the nursery yet.
I am your favorite, though, right?
You can't just let her win.
This is important to you.
Plus I didn't get my Worldstar video.
You're doing this.
You've always been such a good...
Camping sounds fun.
Um, let me just check my schedule.
Faye's the best, isn't she?
Did you check out that dope speaker she gaffled for me?
Seriously, how effing cool is she?
Calm down. You're sweating.
I've had a major bone for Faye Cottumaccio
since her old Cinemax movies.
Then I discovered Bec has these old home vids.
Faye looks so hot in them.
You want to check one out?
What's up? I'm getting kind of de-cranked by your bummer vibes.
Apparently Olivia is begging for me to go camping with them.
I told Boone we could go down a road.
And now we are, and I'm just not sure it's the right move for me.
When I get a code blue and I don't want to go,
I just fake diarrhea and hide in the morgue.
Or... I could let the universe decide for me,
that way nothing's ever my fault?
Look, it sucks, but more often than not,
the key to interpersonal bullroar is simple:
you need to communicate with the other dingus.
I'm just gonna talk to Boone face-to-face and tell him
I'm not ready for this.
My titty-sucking therapist told me
I should be honest with my feelings.
Yes, this is like how I keep telling everyone
how dangerously exhausted I am, so that eventually someone...
我现在筋疲力尽 非常危险 这样总有人...
Yeah, I'm just gonna text him.
I told you I don't to talk about Penny the Penguin anymore
she went to the aviary in the sky
I just want to get this straight.
Gretchen has the nerve to bring that geriatric
and his filthy spawn into my home and then call me to chat?!
Fam, Fam, what you need to do
is get your mind off this girl
and just get out there and bang someone, Fam.
Yeah, maybe that works for a bro-y man-child like yourself,
but I am a novelist,
thus, have a heightened sensitivity to the pain of others.
If I were to use someone and make them feel bad,
that, in turn, would make me feel bad.
Why would you make her feel bad?
Two people can want something from each other,
and part ways happy.
Happiness is a finite commodity.
You have to steal it from people.
And I'm just... I'm not the kind of person
who would mistreat someone like that.
Edgar! Can you blow your nose or something?
There's a faint whistle every time you breathe.
A faint whistle every time I breathe?
Listen, find a girl who's down and out,
take her for a fancy meal and a little compelling conversation,
and then drop some ropes on her face.
You get laid, she learns what truffle fries are.
There is someone I know who fits that bill.
She was the saddest girl in Manchester.
She moved to L.A.
only to work as a waitress at The Fox and Hounds.
Bro, you take her to République,
my boy Eli will hook you up with that dank sparkling rosé.
Or better yet, invite her here
and wow her with my architecturally significant house,
that also contains-- what?
For dropping the aforementioned ropes.
Great! So, when next I come upstairs, you two will be gone.
好极了 我再上来的时候 希望你们已经走了
Ah, but we have to finish this movie for work.
I don't care. Go to... his.
Ooh, can't. I ordered a bunch of oysters off Amazon
and forget them in my mud room, so...
Well, then go... go watch at Lindsay's.
She does have tons of boxed mac and cheese.
Macki and cheesy! Yum town!
Does anyone actually find that endearing?
I cannot imagine so.
After Penny died, things were never the same between me and Alan.
I always said I'd call him tomorrow-- who knew that one day
tomorrow would be the day he got sucked into a jet engine?
Well, it's gonna be tough to make this one into a ride.
Yes! I'm starving.
- R... - Yeah, buddy!
-瑞... -总算来了 小哥
Comida Argentina, por favor. Mi mas gusta.
It's nice to see you, Ricky.
What was that about? Pretending you don't know me?
I helped you bury that camel.
Oh, I-it's just that I... I don't tell everyone right off
about my combat experience.
They-they see you in a certain way.
Not that I wouldn't. He's a really cool guy.
No, no, no, I get it.
Mm, you don't want him to see you like some messed-up vet.
No, Ricky, I...
不 瑞克 我...
Dude forgot your chimichurri for your steak.
Aw, no, it's okay. I don't need it.
不 算了 我不需要
Bro, it's his job, okay? I got this.
兄弟 这是他的工作 我来搞定
You look shockingly presentable.
Um, thanks. Good to see you.
I know what you're going to ask.
Who designed this breathtaking home?
It's a Schindler, actually.
You know, I hesitated to call you,
but as I was recently reminded,
there is nothing wrong with two people going into something
eyes wide open, each wanting to get something out of it.
- Okay. - Even if one person
demonstrably has far less to offer than the other.
I've prepared some of my favorite hors d'oeuvres for us.
Don't ask what it is; just enjoy it.
Are you thirsty? Would you like a drink?
I'd like you to try a very special scotch.
It's called Laga-vul-in.
16, as in that is how old this is.
Sorry, I just can't do Lagavulin anymore.
Do you have any Japanese single malts?
Kendrick Lamar introduced me to it
when I was doing the deal for his line of bulletproof hats.
Wait. Hold on. What's happening?
等等 等等 什么情况
I thought... I thought you worked at The Fox and Hounds.
Uh, when I was 22.
But you know I'm an entertainment lawyer now?
Whose house is this?
- This is my home. - Okay. How much do you need?
-这就是我家啊 -好吧 你要多少钱
You're not the first person from home to call me out of the blue
and hit me up for money.
I don't need money.
I'm a... I'm a bestselling novelist.
Well, then I'm not that much higher status than you.
How are you higher status than me?!
Jimmy, you chav!
What was that name we used to call you back home?
Oh, oh, I remember-- Mouse Boy and Jizz Magnet.
What was the other one?
That was it. Shitty Jimmy!
Oh, my God, I can still remember the song.
*Look at Shitty Jimmy*
*Shitty Jimmy with his little shitty...*
Wha...? *With his little shitty*
*Little, li... * What was it? Come on.
*小...* 什么词儿来着 快说啊
Come on, what was it? Come on.
*With his little shitty face.*
Yes! *With his little shitty face.*
*Shitty Jimmy with his little shitty face, whoo!*
Ok, I texted him.
"Hey. I'm just not sure
I'm ready for camping. Hope that's okay."
Look at you-- telling someone what you need.
布恩: 呼 我也讨厌露营那我们改去艾斯棕榈泉酒店吧
Yeah, that'd be fine.
And I was like, "Sorry you got triggered Snowflakes.
然后我就说"抱歉 你怒了 雪花
Go back to your 'safe space.'"
An important Los Angeles magazine did a piece
on my boss, Priscilla, and you could see me in the background
with some work friends.
That's why not of them showed up at your divorce party.
I've been hundreds of parties for people I don't like.
Bob Baliban. Heather Locklear.
He can see, you know.
Okay. I have to go get ready for Piloxing.
Listen, you backstabbing suck-butt,
my entire life you have been nothing
but a source of underminery and hurtful, bitchy faces.
暗地里搞破坏 伤害我 成天摆张贱人脸
I am not a real person,
and it's all your fault.
we are officially through.
You're... seriously gonna stand there,
probably softly farting as usual,
and blame me for your life being an actual 9/11?
I had the same challenges growing up, and look at me.
I'm living in a real house with real friends
who aren't disgusting monsters...
and I'm married to a successful doctor.
Blame me for your life? Uh-uh.
You can try and blame other people,
but, like the actual 9/11,
you did it to yourself.
Oh, you want a titty twist?
I'll show you a titty twist!
- You don't want none of this! - I'm the titty twist champion!
Bitch, I will spray your milk all over this goddamn room!
Give me a tit, and I'll twist it raw!
- It's gonna be like a dairy. - Girls.
Shit, shit, shit! Don't stop yet!
Well, Officer, if you're gonna search the place,
I suggest you start under my sweater.
Vernon, your dumb speaker is
blasting filth all over the house!
Jesus, I'm busy! I'm...
上帝啊 我忙着呢 我...
Oh, man, them boobies.
Okay. I'm off to Equinox.
I just wanted Mom to think I had everything figured out.
I didn't want her to know that we have no money!
And that I'm married to
a talking penis in a clown wig!
My life is shit.
Why do you think I go through a c...
a case of Kendall- Jackson a week?
We're both messed up.
Lou Diamond Phillips.
He played La Bamba.
Mom dated him for, like, three years.
I can't get this bikini to stay on.
Okay, well, how about if two pelicans agree
to fill their beaks with rocks and jump into the ocean?
That's not a parody.
They actually did that in the movie.
Hope this is really delicious.
I had to pass up three gigs to come back.
Did you know me and Edgar served in Iraq together?
Apparently he's real embarrassed
for people to know that he's a vet.
I guess he thinks he's better than me.
But he ain't shit.
Why don't you come over here
and spread this chimichurri sauce on my steak for me?
Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.
You spread that chimichurri on my steak,
this 50 is yours and you get a five star rating.
you get nothing and I give you one star.
I don't care either way,
'cause 50 bucks don't mean shit to me.
Kids, please, please,
孩子们 别吵了 别闹
get out of the frame, kids.
Get out of the frame, kids!
Faye Cottumaccio reading for the role of Marsha.
Mr. Belvedere, did the agency send you?
Have you guys noticed a pattern?
It was the '80s, Gretch.
You put some triangles and squiggly lines on a shirt
and called it fashion.
Your mother is completely
neglecting you in all these tapes.
- Mom! Mom! - She doesn't give a shit
-妈 妈 -她完全不在乎
about anything you're doing.
- Holy shit. - You're right.
you turned out to be a giant toddler with boobs
and I drink a touch too much here and there.
I am sorry, Becca.
We should tell her we're the ones who need a break from her.
She'll just start crying and tell us how she got the clap
from the sound guy on Trapper John, M.D.
- Wha...? - The only way our lives
are going to get fixed is if we fix them ourselves.
Yo, do you guys mind leaving for a bit?
I closed my eyes to sneeze a little while ago
and I woke up eight minutes later.
What about when we locked you in the school basement
and we wouldn't let you out
until you put your little willy through the keyhole?
It was so tiny.
Well, it's not anymore.
You just blew your chance at ever seeing it.
Did you think we might shag?
All right. That's it! I think we're done here.
好了 够了 我觉得没什么好说的了
This was a complete waste of time.
I got nothing out of this utter debacle!
Do you promise it got bigger?
Seriously, what is wrong with me?