Well, how many people have ordered DVDs and haven't pay for them.
I guess I could stop by my way to school.
Really really important thing.
Cheryl? Can I call you back?
Okay. Great. Bye.
行 好的 再见
- Yes? What? - Hey, yeah...
-好了 什么事 -那个
I was going through your drawer in the bathroom
looking for some lip stuff because my...
- God, you know me. - Phil...
-天呐 你真了解我 -菲尔
Remember the spa certificates we got
- at the children's hospital auction? - Mm-hmm.
Well, look at this -- they expire tomorrow.
Oh, wow. What are you gonna do?
Claire, I don't think you're grasping the magnitude
of this package, valued at over $250.
- Sweetie... - If you don't use them,
then all our money just goes to charity.
And so what am I supposed to do?
Somewhere between dropping off Alex at orchestra
and picking up Luke from practice --
oh, and burning a bunch of dvds of the talent show,
I'm gonna, what, pop in for a quick salt scrub?
I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs.
Well, she's supposed to,
but somehow she's got me doing it.
Here's what you do.
Say, "Cheryl, no can do today.
Need a little 'me time.'"
Have you met Cheryl?
That'll be my new nickname.
I'll be Claire "Me time" Dunphy.
It's not worth the headache.
Just say you're sick.
Then I run into her, and it'll be a whole thing.
Well, if that happens,
you say you're on your way to the pharmacy to --
Phil, darling, no, not helping.
菲尔 亲爱的 行不通的
Fine. I'll give them to Florence Gunderman at work.
Her hands look gross ever since she took up the banjo.
Hey, mom, I need some money for lunch.
We're all gonna go to --
Oh, my god! Take off my sweater!
Mom, tell her to take it off!
Alex, take it off.
Last week, she wore my sweatshirt without asking.
Oh, please -- that was an honor
for your stupid old sweatshirt.
It was the first time the top half got any exercise.
Now, mom, that's my favorite sweater!
You know what you girls need to learn to do?
You need to learn to share,
because that's what sisters do.
All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater.
Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt,
The one with the guy from "back to the future" on it.
That's Albert Einstein!
And it is not nerdy!
Hey, daddy. How was the farmers' market?
Well, it was great, but guess what the new spinach is.
是不错 但猜猜 新品种菠菜是什么
I know. I was just as blown away as you are.
Oh, well, I guess we're going to have to adopt --
a new attitude towards kale.
Maybe we'll even adopt a new vinaigrette.
Okay, what's going on here?
I'm taking the negative charge
out of the word "Adopted." Yay.
What did Oprah do now?
Well, she had a girl on
who, at 16, found out that she was adopted
and felt betrayed, ran away, and became a stripper --
and not the heart-of-gol kind, the by-the-airport kind.
All right. Go get your gavel, Judge Judy.
行了 你尽情评论吧 朱迪法官
No, not at all. I'm adopting
不 完全不是 我接受了
A tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy.
Alex, come on. Hurry up.
艾丽克斯 快点 快点
the more Cheryl texts me to do.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you.
Okay, hang on. Hang on. Hang on.
Let's see. It might not be a big deal.
Just -- here we go. Let's see.
- Oh, okay. - Is it bad?
No, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay.
没事 没事的 你没事的
Hey, I forgot my phone.
Nothing. I love you.
You better not spill anything on that, okay, dork?
你最好别溅什么东西在上面 知道吗 呆子
Relax. Half the 11th grade's been inside this sweater.
I want my girls to stop fighting and be close.
I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair
and gossip about boys --
like I used to do with Mitchell.
Gloria! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
歌洛莉亚 走吧 我们走吧
Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my step?
Oh, kids say cruel things.
That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.
No. We have something in common.
I'm seeing a younger woman.
How much younger are we talking about?
13 months. Her name's Chloe.
She makes me feel like a 5th grader again.
Good for you, kid.
Hmm. There they are -- my two dirty old men.
Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of 40
and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a newer model.
That's my mother, Jay.
It's such a beautiful day. Why do we have to do this?
Because when this thing is behind us,
It's done and we never have to think about it again.
I went to a funeral last Saturday, and it got me thinking
about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die.
Yeah, it's been a fun week.
I don't like loose ends.
So I made a few calls.
I found these people selling a couple of primo plots
in the best cemetery in town.
Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon.
Don't be so sure...
with all the bacon that he eats.
Well, got to give my cholesterol pills
Mm. I don't care how much they promote it,
It's not ready to anchor a meal.
Oh, my god! Lily's little hat
that we bought her at the airport in Vietnam.
Remember how cute she looked in that?
Remember how I used to wear it
and walk around and act like I had a giant head?
Mm-hmm. That was good acting.
So, what are you doing?
I'm putting together a little scrapbook
of how Lily became ours.
You know, her adoption certificate,
some pictures of her from her village --
All out in the open, so she has nothing to be ashamed of.
You leaving that on all day?
You know, and I'm also gonna write a little storybook --
you know, something I can read her at bedtime.
It's called "Two monkeys and a panda."
She's the panda because she's Asian.
- And we're monkeys because... - I can draw monkeys.
Okay, well, I think this is a great project,
and I believe you are gonna finish it.
- Oh, my god. - What?
Lily's adoption certificate.
- Her name is "Lily Tucker Pritchett." - Right.
Not "Tucker-Pritchett" like it's supposed to be.
First name -- "Lily." Middle name -- "Tucker."
Last name -- "Pritchett."
Well, that can't be right.
This is a legal document!
She only has your last name.
M-m-my name is just a middle name!
Stay calm. Don't get upset.
Nobody knows anyone's middle name!
- Quick -- what's my middle name? - Scott.
-快问快答 我的中间名是什么 -斯考特
Of course you know mine. We're a couple!
Okay, look, t-this is obviously a mistake.
But you're the one who filled out this paperwork.
You don't make mistakes like this.
You correct mistakes like this.
You did this on purpose.
You buried my name,
so your name could have top billing.
Okay, no, I am not gonnsit here and listen
to you accuse me of something so horrible!
It makes so much sense now --
Why you wanted to fill out all these legal forms.
Okay, well, I'm a lawyer!
I fill out all the legal forms,
ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership!
The more you spend, the more you save!
All the women I work with are too busy to use the certificate.
So I called the spa
and asked them to extend the expiration date.
Here's something they didn't count on.
You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out.
You have very nice hands.
Soft like lady's.
Thank you, Kim. I appreciate that.
My wife never seems to notice.
This is it! Ta-da!
I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.
"Ta-da" is when you do a flip
or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half,
not when you show someone
where you want to shove their dead body.
I'm not gonna argue the proper use of "Ta-da."
Seriously? In the file cabinet?
It's called a crypt.
And how are you not getting how great this is?
We're four down from Bugsy siegel.
No. I'm not going into any wall.
I'm going in the ground.
There's enough to not like about death
without adding dirt and worms.
The whole thing gives me the willies.
You die, you go to the ground.
Is natural. You go back to the earth.
这是自然法则 尘归尘 土归土
Here, you're just a mushy bag of bones
rotting away for all eternity!
Sorry for your loss.
Can we get the hell out of here?
What am I supposed to tell the guy?
Tell them we don't want our bodies
inside these drawers where god cannot find us!
These are not like our drawers at home.
People can find things in these.
I'm thinking of getting bangs.
Ooh, you totally should.
You would be so cute with bangs.
- You have the face for it. I don't.
Oh, there's my better half.
Kim, would you mind?
Hey, honey. Where are you?
Oh, I'm on my way to Downey.
Oh, uh, did you know
Karen and richard carpenter grew up in Downey?
What random and not-helpful fact, Phil.
I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm having kind of a rough day.
Yeah, I'm kind of having a rough day myself.
Look, Phil, I need you to take care of dinner for me.
Oh, Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater,
and now I'm driving around from store to store,
trying to find the exact same one before Haley finds out.
Don't do that. Just explain to her what happened.
Haley's not gonna understand.
- Sure, she will. -- No, phil, you don't understand.
-她当然会了 -不菲尔 你不明白
I'm trying to avoid this turning into a whole big thing.
Then just get her something close.
She'll never know the difference.
Phil, could you just take care of dinner, sweetie?
That's all I'm asking. That's it.
I'm just saying, there's a simpler way to do this.
There is no simpler way. Just make dinner!
We're the rutledges,
the ones selling the spots.
Oh, my gosh. Look, honey.
I hadn't heard. Martin is in.
- I'm sorry. Is that a friend of yours? - We've made a point
-不好意思 那是你的朋友吗 -我们只是
to get to know everyone in the neighborhood.
We think it makes it less awkward, you know, later.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is my wife, Gloria.
对不起 这位是我妻子 歌洛莉亚
I'm Ed, and this is my bunk.
And this is my loving wife
and devoted mother of three, Winnie.
I don't know what our lineup is yet.
But at home,I sleep on the right side.
So probably there.
We don't mean to be rude,
but you seem to be much younger than your husband.
You're not rude. I'm very much younger.
Well, it's just that there's a good chance,
uh, you'll be moving in long before she would.
Our concern is, your wife remarries,
and wants to be laid to rest with her new husband.
So she sells this spot to the highest bidder.
And we're left lying next to a complete stranger,
without even so much as a formal "How do you do?"
Gloria, tell them you're in.
I don't know, Jay. I think they have a very good point.
我不知道 杰 我觉得这确实是个问题
And they're not crazy at all.
What do you mean they have a good point?
I don't think this is going to work.
Good luck getting someone into your drawers.
that I may have gotten a little too upset
and jumped to some conclusions
that were perhaps not true.
I realize now that you would
never intentionally do something so unthinkable.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for accusing you.
我想说 我很抱歉 我指责了你
I knew it! You two-faced --
Let me explain. There is --
There is no explanation. There is just no excuse.
I just want to know why!
Okay, y-you know how, um, s-some women say
that they forget how painful childbirth was?
Well, I-I-I think that you are forgetting
how panicked you were before we got Lily.
- You were freaking out. - I was not!
Okay, so, it says that we can put the mattress
at one of three different levels.
- Which one should we do? - I don't know.
Well, just think about how far down she should be.
- How far -- - I don't know! I can't do this!
-多深 -我不知道 我不能做这个
Oh, this latch system is great.
What did people do before this?
I don't know! Stop asking me questions!
- Cam... - I can't do this! I can't!
-小卡 -我不能做这个 我不能
I don't see what that has to do with anything.
I-I was scared that -- that it was just gonna all be
too much for you and that you were gonna leave.
And then I would be the one taking care of a baby
and half of her last name
would belong to the guy who left us.
It was a mistake. I'm sorry.
I-I wanted to have it changed,
but I needed to get your signature,
and I was afraid that it would start a big fight
and that you would hate me and...
OK, I'm confused.
You're saying that if she tells me she has a problem,
I'm not supposed to help her?
Not unless she asks for your help.
But if she lets me help her,
I can make her problem go away.
That is such a male thing to say.
Well, forgive me for being a man.
When you say, you know, "Do this or do that,"
all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than you."
Believe me, she doesn't think that.
She doesn't want you to save her problems.
She just wants you to give her support
so that she can solve her problems herself.
Yes, and sometimes --
sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear.
Maybe it's all the creams,
but that just made sense, girlfriends.
So if Claire says, "I hate getting stuck in traffic,"
- I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave earlier"... - No.
-我就不该说 你应该早点出门 -不
- ...Or, "Don't get on the freeway." - No.
-或是 别上高速公路 -不
I should just say, "I know. It's so frustrating."
我应该说 我懂 这是挺郁闷的
- Yes! That's it! - Really?
-是的 这就对了 -真的吗
And -- and if she says, uh, uh...
"The waiter I had today was so rude,"
I shouldn'say, "Maybe you should just order
- something on the menu for once." - No.
I should just say, "What a jerk."
And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving me crazy,"
如果她说 菲尔 这节目快把我逼疯了
I should just say, "I know!
There is not enough quality programming for men."
No! Turn off the damn TV.
Okay, now I'm confused again.
So, I heard you had a rough time today.
Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever?
Don't you want to go play?
When do I ever play?
I'm kind of wrestling
with this whole "older man, younger woman" thing.
It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds.
Today I made a joke about the Wiggles.
- It went right over her head. - I don't know what that is.
It's an expression -- means she didn't get it.
Yeah, it sometimes -- this age thing --
knocks you in the head.
That what this is about?
I always knew your mother might remarry after I'm gone.
That never bothered me.
I figured her husbands would be your dad, me,
and some putz who could never live up to me.
But what if I'm not the main guy?
What if some other guy is?
What if I'm the putz?
When my mom and dad got divorced,
do you have any idea how many guys chased after her?
The phone didn't stop ringing.
Men would stop her on the street.
Guys would propose to her from moving cars.
They were good-looking guys, Jay -- with money.
I think one of them was a Kennedy.
Where are you going with this?
When you showed up, I didn't think you had a prayer.
You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry for you.
I had to climb three flights of stairs.
But of all people, my mom fell for you.
I got a few moves.
She said she fell in love with you during your first fight.
- What? - She said she'd finally met her match.
So if you think she's just gonna replace you
Then you are the putz.
Thanks, kid.I appreciate that.
谢谢你 孩子 醍醐灌顶啊
I thought you liked me when I first showed up.
Please. For the first month,
I didn't even bother to learn your name.
- Is she back yet? - She's on her way.
- Did you find it? - I did.
At the fifth store I went to.
It was in the window, and I had to undress a mannequin
while a creepy guy filmed it,
So we have to look forward to on the internet.
- Thank you so much, mom. - You're welcome.
-太谢谢你了 妈妈 -不谢
Now, go put that exactly where you found the other one, okay?
现在 快放到它原来的地方去 知道吗
- What? The security tag -- it's still on!
I told those people to take that off.
- Oh, no. - She's pulling into the driveway!
Okay. It's fine. It's fine.
好的 没事 没事
Don't panic. I've got it. I've got it.
别紧张 快弄好了 快弄好了
- She's getting out of the car! - All right! I am doing it!
-她下车了 -别闹了 我正在弄
I've almost got it. I -- oh, god! Oh, no!
快弄好了 我 哦 天啊 糟了
- What is that?! - Well, it's ink.
Aah! Hide it. Hide it.
- She's in the house! - What are you doing with my sweater?
Oh, my god! It's ruined!
It was an accident!
I knew this would happen, you idiot!
Hey, hey! Let's try to get along.
嘿 嘿 有话好好说
I wish she was never even born!
They were trying to make one with a brain!
Not fair! Honey, you guys are both...
别乱讲 亲爱的 你们都很
It's that sweater, huh?
Yeah. It is that sweater.
And I did everything I can to stop them from fighting.
I don't understand.
Why they can't see how much you love them.
Meanwhile, Cheryl has be calling me all day
because she's angry I didn't show up.
Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny?
Why does she need so much help?
Oh, sweetie, thank you.
I really appreciate that.
Darn right. Yeah.
Oh. Let me get this.
Hey, by the way --
notice anything different about me?
- A haircut? - A week ago.
Okay, so, tell me.
Forget it. It's not important.
Okay. I'll just go start dinner.
Listen, I've been thinking.
I want you to know...
It's okay if you marry someone else.
Because I want you be happy.
You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?
Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else.
That's what you say now,
but no one knows what the future holds.
So I want you to have this.
an empty coffee can.
Do you know what men used to buy me?
When I go, toss me in the fire,
Sweep up my ashes, stick 'em in that.
We need to talk about this "Ta-da."
'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall
or if it's in the ground --
just as long as I end up with you.
Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel in the old coffee can.
That will drive the putz crazy. And I like that.
Um, so, f-for whatever it's worth,
I-I called the adoption attorney --
And on Monday, they're gonna start the process
of changing lily's last name to "Tucker-pritchett."
Again, I'm -- I'm so sorry.
I took a quick pass at "Two Monkeys and a Panda."
So, just let me know what you think.
"Once upon a time,
there were two monkeys.
They loved each other very much,
but there was something missing."
"They wanted a baby.
And they heard that there was a very special baby
in a faraway land who needed a family.
She was a panda named Lily.
One of the monkeys was scared.
They'd never had a panda before.
But they held Lily in their arms,
and the scared monkey became the brave one.
And the two monkeys --"
- Coco and Miko. - I'm sorry. What?
-可可和米克 -不好意思 你说什么
"Coco" And "Miko" Are the names of the monkeys.
That doesn't seem like it's a little un--
Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that.
可可和米克 我喜欢 我喜欢
Coco and Miko -- yeah.
"They traveled all the way home
with the perfect panda that they adopted."
Did she just clap?
She heard "Adopted" And clapped!
Cam! That's amazing!
Oh, my god! You did that!
哦 天啊 你做到了
- Well, I don't... - What?!
-那个 我没有 -什么
You did that. That is amazing. I can't believe that.
你做到了 难以置信 我不敢相信
And just like that, peace returned to our house.
Well, technically, I-it's my house, but...
理论上来说 这是我的家 但是
I-I will -- I will fix that, too.
Once we finished writing the book,
we realized something.
We're not the only two monkeys with the panda,
gay parents are a huge market,
and no one's writing for them.
We thought we were sitting on a gold mine.
- "Gay Adoptive Parenting." - Okay.
"Gay Adoption: Foreign Children." Wow.
- "Gay Adoption: Asian Children." - What?
- "Bisexual Adoption: Asian Children."
- "Transgendered Adoption."
Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.