Honey, what is all this?
Hey, Mam, I'm trying to write these stupid college essay questions.
And I really even don't know how to start.
OK, what's the question? Tell me.
"what's the biggest obstacle you've ever had to overcome?"
Didn't my third grade teacher say
I had,Like, A.D.D. or something?
Oh, no, honey. She said you couldn't ADD.
不 宝贝儿 她是说你不会做加法
and she put it that way because she also knew you couldn't s-p-e-l-l.
Wait,slow down... Oh...
等一下 慢点 原来如此啊
We talked about this last week.
I said i'm building luke a tree house. You said "fine."
You know,sometimes I think you just tune me out.
I never told her. She just would have said "No."
I don't remember agreeing to this, Phil.
This is like the time you backed down the driveway
with a hang glider sticking out of the car.
If you'd let me keep that,
Those geese would have followed me to the wetlands.
-You would have died. -A hero.
So we spread out a nice blanket,
opened up a bottle of vino,
and watched the sun set over the water.
Why? Why we never have the picnic?
Who wants to sit on a blanket? There's no back support.
Last week, Shorty took me to see the cirque du soleil--
It's like a circus, but classy.
So if you like elephants,
don't hold your breath.
Jay hates the crowds, the beach, the rainbows.
杰总是嫌人多 讨厌海滩 厌恶彩虹
Rainbows? It's just colors in the sky.
Do we have to pull over every time and take a picture?
Shame. There's an expression in Italian, Jay--
真可惜 意大利有句俗话说得好 杰
Dammi la tua mano e corriamo uniti per tutta la vita.
"Give me your hand and we will run together our whole lives."
"手牵手 我们一起走 把你一生交给我"
Jay also hates running.
-And here you go. -Oh. What is this?
-这是您的 -噢 这是什么
You said to knock your socks off.
Oh, well, look. It's already working!
Well, two more of those,
and you won't be wearing any underwear either.
-Oh! Look... -Cam, down. Down.
-快看 我内裤也 -小卡 坐下坐下
-Maybe later. -Oh, okay, maybe... Maybe later.
-过后再给我看吧 -好吧 过后再说
Did you hear that? Waitress is flirting with me.
No, no. She's not flirting with you.
She's--she's trolling for tips, okay?
She totally knows you're gay.
How would she know I'm gay?
Uh, maybe it's the way you ordered a drink-a-doodle-doo.
Cam has this crazy theory that if he were straight...
And Julia Roberts were single...
-They'd be dating. -It's not crazy.
I met her once at an A.I.D.S. Walk,
and our chemistry was palpable.
No, you handed her a bottle of water.
And her fingers lingered.
Because you wouldn't let go.
I could totally pick up any woman in here.
If by that, you mean lift her off the ground,
then yes, I'll give you that.
I for sure could be a womanizer.
Or you could be someone
who just stepped out of a machine called the womanizer.
Okay, you know what? That's it.
Pick anyone in here.
If I can get their number, you do the laundry for a month.
If I fail, I'll do it.
Okay. I hate doing laundry. So, um...
好吧 洗衣服什么的最讨厌了 就...
Oh, okay. Right here.
Great. Just get rid of my flair...
Whoa. Where did Cam go?
I don't know. Where is he?
Dinner was absolutely wonderful.
Why don't you guys come salsa dancing with us tomorrow night?
Oh, yeah! That would be great!
It sounds like so much fun. I love salsa dancing.
Jay, let's go salsa dancing with them. Look.
杰 我们去跳吧 快看
I just bought that pay-per-view fight.
I tell you what-- we'll compromise.
We'll watch the fight. We'll eat salsa.
Who needs him? Come dancing with us.
Ay, no, I wouldn't want to--
No, no! You'd be doing me a favor.
Shorty never wants to stop, and I could use a break.
You hear that Jay? I never stop.
你听到了吗 杰 我一跳就停不下来哦
All I hear is she could use a break.
Hey! Oh, my god! How are you?
嗨 天哪 你好吗
Wow. Look at you. You look fantastic.
Thank you. So do you.
How long has it been?
-It feels like forever. -Yeah.
Um, when is the last time we saw each other?
Oh, let's see. I think it was at Dave's thing.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I don't know if you've heard.
I was in a terrible car accident,
And ever since the coma,
I have a really hard time placing names and faces.
So who are you again?
Oh, my god. I am so sorry.
噢 天啊 我真抱歉
It was just a clever way to try to approach you.
We don't know each other.
I've never been in a coma.
But you so deserved that. That was the worst pick-up ever.
That was genius! And mean!
Now I know why we're old fake friends.
Oh. Can I buy you a drink?
If she were a hot guy,
I would never have been that smooth.
Like the gift of the vagi.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- You, too. Bye! - Bye!
-我也是 拜拜 -拜
Wham, bam, thank you, Cam.
Seriously? You got her number?
Sure did. and all my shirts get ironed,
And their seams should appear straight,
Just like their owner.
Should you be using screws instead of nails?
America was built with nails, son.
So was that gazebo you built for our 4th of July party.
I'm telling you, you are gonna love this bad boy.
You know what can't climb trees?
Raccoons can and will get up here,
so don't leave any food,
or they'll get territorial and attack.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
You're gonna have so much fun hanging out up here with your buddies.
Trust me, when you get older, it all changes.
相信我 等你长大了 一切都会不同了
- Why? - Well, life gets in the way.
Did I just say "Wife gets in the way"?
'cause sometimes I do that.
Nope, you're good.
And you have lots of friends.
Yeah, I have work friends,
And your mom and I have couples friends,
And there are my college friends,
But they're scattered all over the country.
It's not the same as just shouting out
to your neighborhood buddies,
"Hey, fellas! I'm up here in the tree house!" Uhh!
"伙计们 我在树屋上呢" 嗷
Fix that... board.
Why are you so frustrated?
Because I've never had any obstacles to overcome.
Oh, honey, that's not true.
Oh, "Dear college, cheese makes me gassy.
哦 "亲爱的大学 奶酪让我屁多多
See you in September."
Sweetie, you're not really starting your essays
"Dear college," Are you?
What difference does it make?
I've lived a boring, sheltered, pathetic life.
I am sorry we have made things too easy and comfortable for you.
Oh, you should be! It is all your fault!
You have shielded me
from everything interesting and dangerous!
You are blaming me
because I kept you from getting hurt?
Gaby's mom's a hoarder.
That essay practically writes itself.
Maybe it is our fault.
But did you ever consider there's a reason?
What are you talking about?
There's a reason why we were so easy on you.
Oh, honey, you're old enough now.
Old enough for what?
Okay, come on. Gotta show you somethin'.
We're gonna go for a ride.
Mom, just tell me.
You are my mom, right?
Oh, no. What did you eat?
哦 不 你吃啥了
Mitchell, remember the girl I met last night?
How can I forget her?
She's super famous for having the world's worst gay-dar.
How could I be so cavalier with her emotions?
You know, we had a real connection.
She gave me her number,
And right now she's probably sitting by the phone
waiting for me to call.
I don't think you understand how charmed she was by me.
Oh, my god. Where did you get all this self-confidence?
I won cutest baby at the 1974 Jasper County Fair.
People at the time said I could go Gerber.
You know what? I'm calling her.
No, I can't carry this around.
I have to come clean so she can move on with her life.
This is crazy. She is not waiting--
Hi. Katie. It's Cam.
嘿 凯蒂 我是小卡
I was hoping I would call, too.
So listen, I forgot to mention something last night,
and I'm--I'm actually not really quite sure how to say this.
Um, it's actually somewhat delicate.
As am I, on account of the gay.
No, no, I had a great time with you, too, Katie.
不 凯蒂 那天我也聊得很愉快
It's--well, it's just that--
- I don't dig the ladies. - No, no. And I want you to sit--
-我对妹子不敢兴趣 -不 你坐下来
I want you to have a seat on a chaise lounge.
Hey, you wanna go out and
grab some dinner before the fight tonight?
Wanna eat at home?
I'll grill some steaks, open a bottle of wine.
Whatever you want, because I'm not going to be here.
She's going Salsa Dancing without me.
Ay, Manny, I told you, it's a 21 and over club.
A forbidden dance floor. Only makes me want it more.
Wait a second. You're going dancing with Shorty and Darlene?
Yes, because even though he's old like you,
he still likes to have fun.
We like to have fun.
Last week I took you to dinner,
went to the boat show,
got some sherbet?
And we were home by 8:30 with no boat.
What do you want from me? I don't like dancing.
- I don't like sherbet. - Yeah, right.
Who doesn't like the coconut, hmm? Who?
谁不喜欢椰子啊 谁 谁啊
And anyways, I'm going dancing with or without you.
Fine. I hope you have a good time with Shorty.
I don't need Shorty!
I won't have any problem finding a partner on my own!
Wow. Way to rub it in, mom.
How'd it go, heartbreaker?
That is one classy lady...
- Which is why I couldn't tell her. - What?
Well... I just couldn't do it on the phone.
She seemed so excited to hear from me,
and I'm very bad at disappointing people, Mitchell.
Mama was right when she said
my charm was like a wild stallion--
If not properly bridled, it'll bust down a barn.
Okay, you wanna get rid of your girlfriend?
Tell her that story.
Maybe I will when she comes over. She's coming over.
She said she was in the area running errands.
What was I supposed to say, "Don't come over"?
Well, I guess I could have said that,
but it's too late now,
Plus I wanna break it to her gently.
So come on. Help me un-gay this place.
You know what? I'll make it less gay by half.
Oh, these flowers should go, too.
You mean the ones underneath
the portrait of you cuddling another man?
What's up, big guy?
How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing stuff?
It's about tapping into your emotion,
your passion, and your inner fire.
I stink at dancing.
First dance at our wedding,
Gloria was all graceful and gorgeous,
and I was all big and clunky.
Like that scene from "Beauty and the beast."
Actually, that was the song.
He didn't like me back then.
Back straight. Okay.
Okay, stop marching.
You're dancing, not invading Poland.
I'm looking for Jay Pritchett.
He's about 6'2", tough guy,
wrestles with homophobia...
The hell are you doing here?
Uh, I had to get out of the house.
Cam needed a little alone time with his new girlfriend.
- Don't ask. - Don't tell.
What's going on here?
He's learning to dance, but he's just so tense.
- It's not working out. - 'cause you're not letting go.
I'm trying. Don't you think I want to be all smooth
and make your mom happy out there?
But I just can't do it, that's all.
Jay, I'm not giving up on you.
Okay. Hey, Manny, would you give us a second?
好了 曼尼 能让我们单独聊聊吗
Dad, look, I-I know this is weird,
but you and I are a lot alike.
We're self-conscious, okay?
So, um, here. Just...
It's just something that some people take at clubs
to, you know, loosen up.
A gay man who hates dancing
Lives in a sad and lonely little world.
This just melts your inhibitions,
And--and you can dance all night,
Plus it gives you a raging--
I don't like this at all.
Just hold on to it. Just in case.
Come on. It's fine.
Jay, I wanna show you something.
A farmer in new zealand taught a pig to dance.
See how he keeps his snout up?
I-I can't do this. I can't get out of the car.
我 我做不到 我没办法下车
I'm sorry. I'm too embarrassed.
Would you just tell me what's going on?
Okay. I-I want you to go read
what's carved in that tree.
Mom, you're freaking me out.
Just do it. Do it, Haley.
照做就行了 去读吧 海莉
Have fun getting home!
There's your obstacle!
What?! Are you kidding me?!
Brisket! Why does that keep happening?
Maybe I need a nail gun.
Okay, that's it! I'm out!
得嘞 行了 我不玩了
What do you mean, you're out?
Where are you going?
But I've seen you with a glue gun.
I think a nail is gonna be harder to get out of my hair.
No, don't go! I'm doing this for you!
别 别走啊 我建这个可是为了你啊
The kid made me think with that one.
Who was I really doing this for?
Sometimes I just say,
"Are you, dad? Are you?"
"是吗 老爸 是吗"
Because he gets real quiet
And doesn't notice when I walk away.
because I feel so comfortable around you already.
You know, last night when I got home,
I just started thinking about
all of the fun things that we could do together, you know?
I don't wanna scare you off,
But my sister's getting married in a couple of weeks,
And I so don't wanna go to that thing alone.
Maybe you could be my date?
Katie, you're an amazing woman.
You're smart, you're beautiful,
And how fun is that handbag?
This is gonna come as a little bit of a shock.
I'm fairly gay.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm--I'm totally gay.
You're telling me you're gay?
I was born that way. I mean, you know, it's just--
我生来如此 我是说 你知道...
No, why are you telling me?
I mean, I know you're gay.
Well, it's not that-- it's not that obvious.
The way you talk and walk and dress
你说话 走路 穿衣的方式
And your theatrical hand gestures--
I do not have theatrical hand gestures.
Okay, maybe I am moderately...expressive.
But why would you give me your number?
Oh, because I want a gay friend--
Someone I can dish with,
Give me guy advice, and I can shop with--
Those are totally offensive stereotypes.
We could go see Julia Roberts movies together.
I know her, and she's as nice as she seems on screen.
- Shut up. Really? Is she? - She is, yeah.
-不是吧 真的吗 -当然是
Wait, what--so you were pretending to be straight,
等等 如此说来 你是想假装成直男
I was just a stupid bar bet.
My boyfriend--oh, he's here...
Bet me that I couldn't get a beautiful woman's number.
And as a proud gay man, I know it shouldn't matter,
But I-I just wish everyone could find me attractive.
Oh. But now he's gonna get to gloat,
And I guess I deserve it.
How's--how's it going?
This is Katie, and, uh, it turns out, well...
这位是凯蒂 结果发现 事实上 [很好]...
It doesn't turn out well.
Because I thought I finally met a nice, funny guy,
And now he's telling me he's gay?!
He's, like, the least gay person i have ever met in my entire life!
And I thought he was the one!
And I even told my mom about him!
You better cherish him!
Are you sure you're gay?
You're gonna find somebody,
Because you're an amazing girl, Katie.
You're the whole package.
I just prefer somebody who has one.
That was a lot of girl tongue!
I think I need a drink-a-doodle-doo.
Hello, Haley. How was your day?
你好啊 海莉 今天过得怎样
I have no money, no cell phone...
I listened to you.
I stopped coddling you, and look--
You overcame an obstacle.
I grew up normal despite my crazy mom!
Well, that sounds like the beginning of a great essay.
Oh, honey, if you get stuck, let me know,
亲爱的 要是你又卡住了 告诉我
And I'll make you sleep out in the yard.
Don't just sit there! Get out here!
I'm good, I'm good.
Hola! You're looking so good!
How long has it been?
We don't know each other. Go away.
You're looking so good. How long has it been?
What was wrong with that guy?
Yeah, I would have danced with him.
He's got nice shoulders.
Aw, you know, Salsa is so intimate and sensual
that it feels wrong to do it with somebody else that is not Jay.
Aw. You know, Darlene feels the same way.
If I wasn't here, she's be holding up the wall.
Yeah. A wall of men.
You know, I think I should go home to my loving husband
and pull him close and tell him that I danced with 20 men.
He's in a dicey neighborhood
worried about his car.
What, are we gonna kiss or dance?
I'm dead set against drugs.
"Just say no" And all that stuff.
Just this once for Gloria.
And if I was gonna make a complete ass of myself,
I didn't wanna remember it.
The big drug I gave him-- baby aspirin. Orange-flavored.
我给他的那粒药 其实是儿童阿司匹林 桔子口味
He could have chewed it.
Home come you never surprise me like that?
I do surprise you.
No, you don't. You never surprise me...
That's gonna be a hell of a tree house.
Oh, thanks. I'm trying.
It's for my son, but he's kind of lost interest.
It's kind of like my daughter with the dog.
Which is why I'm the one out here doing this.
Did you just move in?
Lived here eight years. You?
You know, me and my friends,
We, uh, we built a te house when I was a kid.
We spent hours in that thing.
But I-I don't wanna bother you.
Only thing that bothers me
is that drunken amish roof you got up there.
Do you even have a level?
I did, but I might have gotten frustrated
and thrown it into your yard.
Let me find it. I'll be right over.
I'm Phil, by the way.
I'm Andre. Nice to meet you, phil.
我叫安德瑞 很高兴认识你 菲尔
Nice to meet you, Andre.
So I guess I was wrong when I said once you get older,
it's harder to make new friends.
Hey, honey! There's a dude in the tree that's cool!
快看 亲爱的 树上那人酷极了
Andre, it turns out, is an orthopedic surgeon,
Handy with tools, and a great guy to hang out with.
Plus he's a badass black man
that gives me extra street cred.
That's his joke.
He's my brotha from a different motha.
- What was that? - Different--
- That's not it. - What is it?
It's "Brother from another mother."
Brotha from anotha motha--
Slow down. Slow it down.
Brotha from another motha.
Forget it. Don't-- just don't say it. Forget it.
算了 别说了 算了