Do we really have to leave?
Yeah, can't we just stay a couple more days?
I know -- it's killing me.
Tomorrow's open-mic night at the Apollo.
Look, we'll all come back. I love it here, too.
Compared to New Yorkers, I'm laid-back.
Get upstairs and pack, or else you might miss your flight.
After a great week in New York,
I had to get to Raleigh for the Carolina Closet Caucus.
Phil and I have always wanted
to drive across the country together,
so we thought we'd make a road trip of it.
b 316 121 316 121 316 121 b 316 121 320 121 323 121 b 323 121 323 123 323 123 b b 311 122 317 114 317 114 b 317 114 317 114 317 114 b b b 317 105 316 107 314 112 b 313 112
m 71 60 b 71 0 161 0 161 60 b 161 120 71 120 71 60
m 20 0 l 209 0 b b b 11 228 0 218 0 209 l 0 20 b 0 11 11 0 20 0
- Bye! Bye, guys! - Bye! Bye! Bye!
-再见 孩子们 -再见
Okay, here's the deal -- We're staying another night.
You heard mom and dad. They said no.
Well, we'll still get home before them. They'll never know.
Oh, come on. Andy and I just broke up.
I'm not ready to go back and face life.
Come on, how would we even pay for the hotel?
We can use Luke's carnival settlement money.
No way! I earned that.
I'm the one who fell off that ride.
We were the ones who really suffered.
We couldn't turn on lights or make loud noises
until your head got small again.
We can't use that money. It's for college.
Okay, okay, let's spend it.
好啦 好啦 花了吧
Oh, look -- that sushi restaurant we never made it to.
Oh, yeah. We tried.
They just never had a table for five.
We had a lot of fun, though, didn't we?
- Yes, we did. - Yeah.
Never got to get on
one of those horse-drawn carriages through the park.
Didn't know you could be allergic to carriage leather.
Still, just so much good family time.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
You could blow off the convention.
We could stay here for a romantic few days
but never tell the kids because we just made them go home?
That is the first time you've ever answered that question right.
Oh! Cam, it is so beautiful outside.
We decided to spend the summer in Missouri.
But we arrived to find Cam's grandma on her deathbed.
Right where we left her at Thanksgiving.
Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful
of my family situation.
I'm sorry -- I didn't realize the vigil
had drifted out to the common areas.
She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall.
Maybe it's time to, you know...
What? What are you saying, Mitchell?
什么 你什么意思 米奇尔
That we should pull the plug?
Have you even taken your turn sitting with Gram?
No, she doesn't want me there. She hates me.
没有 她才不想要我陪 她恨我
Cam, she refers to me as "the sissy."
You heard that wrong.
She's hard to understand because of the dentures she inherited.
You know they were made from the keys of a child's piano.
What do you even say to someone in a coma?
Well, Mama's reading her poetry.
Lily's reciting scripture.
Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote when we were younger,
"Sweet Home Ala-gramma."
Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.
Oh, I'm sorry -- Is she your Ala-gramma?
Oh, fine. I'll think of something.
This collar itches.
Stop it. You all look so handsome.
We look like The Three Amigos.
for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding.
It was so beautiful.
Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time
for her father to make it.
Ay, Jay, stop with the phone. You're missing everything.
杰 别玩手机了 你错过了一切
Hang on -- I'm trying to lock up some sausages
for Father's Day this weekend.
You wait till the last minute, you wind up eating
chicken and apple, like some damn hippie.
La Diabla. Manny, come dance with me.
那妖妇 曼尼 跟我来跳舞
Son of a bitch, that's good!
I see Gloria's avoiding me.
She's still mad because I forwarded her that mass e-mail.
Could be that, or it could be the last time you saw her,
you tried to steal me and kill her.
So, how is my sister?
'Course, with Joe and also her hot-sauce business,
she got a lot on her plate.
Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican cookies?
They just call them cookies.
I'll speak with Gloria later.
I have to drop this at the gift table.
My seat is cold, and the flowers wilted.
I see that my sister has been here.
Will you get over that?
She couldn't have been nicer. We talked about Joe.
I told her how well your hot-sauce business was going.
By the way, have you tried one of these cookies?
Why did you tell her about the sauce?
Everybody, get your things.
We have to leave Juarez right now!
What?! It took me 45 minutes to get into this outfit!
You know how crazy Sonia can be.
She's gonna be so jealous now that she knows
that I am a very successful businesswoman.
Aren't you 400 bucks in the hole on that thing?
You don't think this looks bad --
us walking out before dinner?
Joe has a fever, and he -- he's sweating very much.
I'm gonna reverse what I said.
Central Park dog rentals -- million-dollar idea.
Yeah, and maybe it's just the high of being on vacation,
but is there a bird more majestic than the American pigeon?
Get dressed. We're going out for walk-around breakfast pizza.
Oh! Shoot. Forgot my room key.
Oh! I've got to get a picture of this paneling for my dad.
Aromatic cedar flakeboard -- game a-changed.
I love my sexy little closet nerd.
I'm gonna take a quick tub.
We should check in with the kids from "the road."
We should also maybe get some ice for drinks.
Let's wait for him in the lobby. I need coffee anyway.
The people next door kept me up all night with their sex noises.
I caught the end of that.
He sounded like a scared ghost.
Oh, my God. It's Mom.
Uh, well, stay calm.
Uh, we're home, we flew in last night.
Oh. Come on. She's gonna want to talk to Luke.
I'm coming to you from West Virginia.
What are you girls doing today?
Oh, you know, me and Alex just out shopping.
Who are you talking to?
Dad. Who are you talking to?
- The girls. - Luke.
I told them we were in West Virginia.
- What did you say? - Kentucky.
Mom thinks we're shopping.
I told Dad I was making us breakfast.
When have you ever made us breakfast?!
Okay, girls, um, I got to go.
好吧 姑娘们 我得走了
- Us too. Drive safely. - Bye.
-我们也是 开车注意安全哦 -拜
Hey, buddy, I should get going.
There's a cop walking towards us.
I guess it looks weird with us parked right here
on the state border with me up here in Kentucky
- and your mom in the back seat over in West Virginia. - Got it.
I should probably finish packing up the breakfast
I'm bringing to the girls at the shopping mall where they're shopping.
- Okay. See ya, pal. - See ya.
-好吧 再见 -再见
- That's how you do that. - Done.
* Sweet home Ala-gramma *
* 甜蜜之家 阿拉奶奶 *
* Eyes and hair of gorgeous blue *
* 双眼与头发都是美丽的蓝 *
I'm gonna come back.
No, no, no. I'm glad you're up here.
- We can finish later. - Yeah, yeah.
She likes it when you stroke her hair and rub her feet.
And, Mitchell, make sure her tongue stays moist.
How would I -- Ugh.
How's -- How's the coma?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
A-Are you trying to say something?
Grams. Ow, that hurts. Let -- let go.
奶奶 很疼 撒...撒手
Let go, Grams. Let go, Grams!
撒手吧 奶奶 撒手吧 奶奶
What the hell are you telling her?
and Mitchell was telling her to let go, and she did!
Oh, let go -- let go of my hair.
Somebody call the race track! Get the doctor!
- Nice turnout. - Sure is.
Grams would hate all these people on her property.
Oh, my God. I can feel your family staring daggers at me.
Can't believe they think I killed Grams.
Like I'd really be telling her to let go of life.
Well, you can see how they'd wonder
after you put your suitcase in her room.
It sounds like you're taking their side.
You can't blame them for questioning your story
about a comatose arthritic woman pulling your hair.
Not a story. A thing that happened.
And you didn't help your case
by accidentally erasing her "Matlocks".
Oh, my God! Just drop it!
No, not -- not the... No. I -- I...
不 不 我不是...
Okay, so, when do you guys think you're gonna be back?
Definitely by Father's Day.
Oh, okay. Well, we miss you guys.
But at least it's still only three more days.
Was it a little risky?
Not as long as the master did the talking.
Aww. Love you both. Bye.
Got to run outside and paint the mailbox.
All you had to do was say goodbye.
Now we have to paint the mailbox when we get home.
It just popped into my head
when I saw the Statue of Liberty holding that paintbrush.
You know, what she used to paint freedom in America.
The key to a good lie is keep it simple.
Well, why don't I stop talking
about how good it is here and just bring you some?
We need to pick up a wheel of Arizona spicy sheep cheese.
Couldn't you just say goodbye?!
Claire, the sign says "No loud noises."
You'll scare David Blaine.
So, he just sits in jello for four days?
I don't get how that's magic.
I wish Dad was here.
Well, he isn't, and neither are we.
Remember how Luke used to call it "jeh-woh"?
I hate that I can't share this with him.
Magic isn't about secrets and tricking people.
Phil! Get it together.
Like your boyfriend, David Blaine,
we're taking how we did this to the grave.
I just feel bad that he's missing out.
This is our thing.
You will never tell him about this,
or we will finish what that unlicensed carnival started, okay?
The morning we were set to fly back for Father's Day,
a storm in the midwest canceled our flight.
Let's just get to the airport, and we will find a flight.
- Taxi! - Damn it! It's already taken!
-出租车 -该死 被人抢了
Okay, so I think I got us on a flight through Denver.
Do you mind the middle seat?
This can't all be carnival-related.
Ay, Jay, I was going to cook the sausage.
He's taking over because we screwed up
the last few Father's Days.
Don't be silly. I got this.
When I think of the last few Father's Days,
I quake with rage.
Hey, maybe put a little thought into it.
Maybe we don't order the pizza.
maybe we get enough crazy bread for everybody.
I'm sorry, but who made Father's Day
the dirty stepchild of holidays?!
We don't even have a song.
- Daddy? - What?
Got you a present.
Let's see. What do we got in here?
I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel.
So I took some things, too.
Then some bigger things.
It makes my heart go fast.
And what's in the ice bucket?
A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.
一个吹风筒 谢谢 亲爱的
Who's here so early?
Sonia, what are you doing here?
You left Juarez so fast, I didn't get to say goodbye.
We're sisters. We shouldn't fight.
Sonia. I'm sorry. Come in.
桑娅 抱歉 快进来
No, you came from so far away.
Come on in. Stay awhile.
The Mexican cookies.
I never thought I'd see those again.
Let me help you with those.
- Hey, Aunt Sonia. - Hola, Manny.
-桑娅阿姨 -你好 曼尼
I have some luggage in the car. Come help me.
- Okay. - Help your aunt. Go ahead.
-好 -去帮你阿姨吧 去吧
Why did you let her in?
You have to talk to her.
I really think she's here to apologize.
You don't know her like I do.
Ohh! Wait! What are you doing?!
Great, Jay. Now she kidnapped Manny.
好极了 杰 现在她绑架了曼尼
Why are you so calm?
Shouldn't we follow them or call the police?
No, it's just a kidnapping. It's normal in my family.
不 不过是绑架而已 在我家这很正常
Mom, I'm really scare--
She wants my hot-sauce business in exchange for Manny.
Good! Then she owes us 400 bucks.
We get the kid back.
My sister, my problem.
Oh! That's the kids pulling up right now.
- Just act normal. - I was born normal.
Not really. They said I came out with bangs.
Hey. Now all we have to do is stick the landing.
Don't blow it by acting weird.
- Oh! I missed you! - Buddy!
Oh, how was the drive?!
We would have been here a lot earlier,
but there was a ton of traffic on...
What do you say we go find Grandpa, huh?
- Yes. - Here we go. Let's go.
-好呀 -去吧 一起去吧
So, uh, good week?
- Oh, my God. They're talking. - Are they?
-天啊 他们在聊天 -是吗
All right, you chatterboxes.
Let's get this party started, huh?
Yeah, it's almost 4:00.
But that's how you lie.
Go splash some water on your face.
Hi. Where are Cam and Lily?
Uh, they're still at the farm.
Sounds like you're ramping up to a story,
but I got some stuff going on, so...
Okay. Good to be home.
Okay, so Cam's grandmother, the one who called me a sissy,
好吧 小卡的奶奶 那个叫我娘炮的人
And I -- I was alone with her when it happened,
and the family thinks that I nudged it along.
- Cam's grandma died? - Oh, my God.
You still do that thing where you smile
whenever you talk about death.
It's just a coping mechanism. It's gonna pass.
You've been doing it since I was 10 years old
and we buried my hamster in the backyard.
His name was Whiskers.
Can you be a human being for one second?
So, Cam totally took his family's side
when they all turned against me.
Well, that's just a reflex.
You always take your family's side.
Oh, come on. Where is that written?
Remember when you first brought Cam home
and I privately said to you,
"You might want to move on from this one,"
and Dad said, "I thought you liked men"?
And then when Cam thought
he was picking up on us not liking him,
you told Cam he was crazy.
I guess I did do that, huh?
God, you and Dad are mean.
Aww. Says the murderer.
Gloria, we can't sit around doing nothing. Call Sonia.
歌洛莉亚 我们不能干坐在这 打给桑娅吧
Tell her to bring Manny and the cookies to a neutral place,
and we'll make the exchange.
Why would I make an exchange? We have all the leverage.
She has your son.
What is she gonna do? Raise Manny?
Don't worry. He's going to be fine.
There's got to be a better way.
My parents will be worried sick.
Why does she want your sauce business, anyway?
Well, maybe she has a reason to think
that it should be partly hers.
gave that hot-sauce recipe to both of us.
Not just Gloria.
Sonia didn't care about the recipe.
She was very lazy.
I said, "Maybe I'll go to America and sell the sauce.
Try to make something of myself."
So I gently talked her out of it.
She told me my idea was stupid --
just like all my ideas.
And then I changed my mind, and I did her dream.
What is she so mad about?
I'm sorry to involve you in this feud.
I'm actually starting to see your side of this.
As long as this isn't that thing
where the person gets kidnapped and then --
Why am only now noticing how beautiful you are?
Happy Father's Day!
Wait -- you guys flew in?
Yeah, I just wanted us to all be together today.
In spite of your thoughtlessness and insensitivity.
Okay, those mean the same thing, but okay.
Look, I just want you to know
I understand why you took your family's side.
And I am sorry I put you in that position.
Oh, I appreciate that, Mitchell.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Can I get our gifts out of the car?
Grams left us all something in her will --
She left me something! Aww.
Even though you're stubborn and pigheaded.
Okay, again -- Oh...
I had to bring him back.
He was driving me crazy with his googly eyes.
My eyes are but lifeless orbs compared to --
Yeah, go get me a beer.
How dare you take my son.
How dare you take my business model.
Guys, we have a party going on.
Let's take it over here.
Now, Gloria, you have admitted yourself
that you have a history of stealing things from this one here.
and Gloria can't do anything right!
You sound just like my father!
Are you saying that all this
is about some weird competition over your father?
This is why you sabotage my whole life?
Because Papa loved me more?
Don't love that.
Oh, my God. I guess so.
I can't believe it.
You are jealous of me.
Just in that one area.
But I shouldn't treat you badly because Papa choose you.
It must have been hard for a little girl.
When you lose a love like that at such a young age,
you spend the rest of your life trying to replace it.
Listen, if you want the hot-sauce business,
take it -- it's yours.
No, no. Your jealousy is all I need.
I want to give you something that is very precious to me.
It's something that I should have given you a long time ago
that is gonna keep you close to Papa forever.
Oh! Lily, we were gonna open Grams' gifts together!
I couldn't wait. Grams left you a watch.
"Your grandpa tore it right off of
a dead kraut's wrist."
Oh, that's so sweet!
"Enjoy all my old lipstick,
Why did she call me a sissy?
I -- She doesn't --
Oh! We're opening Grams' gifts, huh?
- This must be yours. - Okay.
Let -- You know, we can do this later.
You opened yours.
"When Cam first brought you here,
I thought I'd never get used to you.
I was raised to hate your kind.
But seeing how happy you make my grandson,
I... couldn't help but come to care for you."
Cam. I was wrong about her.
Now, let's put this someplace safe.
No, no, wait. There's more. There's more.
别 等等 还有呢还有呢
"Who else but you
should inherit my beloved Oriental fan?
I hope it don't make you homesick."
She said I was gonna get that fan.
Well, you know, she did get very stupid near the end.
Okay, well, gift time seems to be over.
Okay, Cam. This is Lily's gift, isn't it?
Oh! So you're the big sissy!
Oh. I suppose you're gonna read into this, too.
Wow, those sausages smell fantastic!
You all right, Dad?
Yeah, I guess I could say a few words.
I appreciate you guys honoring me on this great holiday.
But I'm not the only dad here.
You three lucked out a little bit in that department, right?
Best job I ever had.
Raising two dynamite ladies
and the...best buddy a guy could ever ask for.
Oh, what is with this?
- No crazy bread this year? - Yeah!
We stayed in New York for five more days.
And I saw David Blaine in jello,
and I've been dying to tell you, but they wouldn't let me!
You're a disgrace.
Oh, my God! Your mother and I --
Are furious! Furious!
You were in New York this whole time,
and you didn't say anything --
Now, I don't know what can of worms this is,
but I know this is my day,
and I want you to calm down.
Is that a phone in your pocket?
I've been looking for this since yesterday.
Phil, did you text me?
Oh, yeah, um, claire asked me to send you a picture
of the closet in our New York hotel.
Oh, my God! Is this you naked?!
Honey, will you send my dad a picture of that closet
Hey. What's all the --
O...kay. No, thanks.
好吧 不要 谢谢
I already have confusing feelings for one relative.
All...right. Can this just be done now?
How did you even --
Wait a minute. It is raining in the background.
But it didn't rain while we were all there.
It only rained in New York yesterday.
Oh, my God! You stayed in New York without us!
No, it's my fault. I -- I kept the lie going.
不 是我的错 是我一直撒谎
Okay, are we really glossing over the fact
that I figured something out?
I'll tell you what else we're glossing over --
how bad you all are at Father's Day.
I've got one son who's a kleptomaniac,
the other who's in love with his own aunt --
creepy even by your standards --
and a daughter who I was forced to see naked
as the day she was born.
Come on, Cam. Kiss me like the sissy I am!
来吧 小卡 来亲我这个娘炮
- Right on cue. - Oh, God.
Happy Father's Day to me.
Icing on the cake -- I just found out
my own wife has major daddy issues.
Makes me wonder if that's the whole reason she's with me.
We may have ruined your day, yes,
but now you're just spiraling.
I mean, every relationship has its issues,
and Gloria adores you!
Papa was so handsome.
- Yes! - Yes. Yes. Yes!
You each have a sausage on your plate
I selected based on your individual personality and temperament.
Is this blood sausage? Because mine's pink.
Oh, my mine's pink, t--
Oh. Very funny, Dad.
Now take a bite of bread,
a sip of water to cleanse the palate.
Mine smells spicy.
Show of hands. Who heard me say "Smell your sausage"?
The box said these pigs were massaged daily,
then killed from behind to
keep the panic hormone from tainting the meat.
They were murdered from behind?
The three things I want you to pay attention to
are bouquet, texture, and finish.
Can I have some ketchup?