- Good morning, gentlemen. - ?Hi.
-早上好呀 先生们 -早
Max, how'd you sleep?
Oh, I love crashing here!
This is just like college --
staying up too late, passing out on the couch,
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mean Asian chick down the hall.
Yeah. Where is Lily?
I don't know. S-School, maybe?
We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought
was a tour of pottery cafes, so...
I don't remember much about it,
but I do remember thinking
he was the funniest person I've ever met.
And we told him if he ever came into town,
that he had to stay with us.
And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes
because I remember being really, uh, paranoid
that he didn't like me.
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You two, get out of here.
I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast.
Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg.
- I feel like he was funnier in Europe. - Yeah.
Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine?
I -- uh, we were saving this for the perfect occasion.
Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed.
Just drinks somebody's
most expensive bottle of wine without asking?
- Okay, it's a hate crime. ?- How is it a hate crime?
Because I hate him.
I ca-- I can't believe it's almost gone.
Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice --
once early on election night
and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
I know. It's been a rough year.
Is that our caviar?
Yeah! Lucky I found it.
It was hiding in the back of the fridge.
For a special occasion.
Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine,
now it's our $200 tin of caviar.
- We were saving those. - ?For what?
A celebration, like --
What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar?
Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes --
Okay, you know what? Look. I'm gonna go, okay?
But, guys, don't defer enjoyment,
'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it.
I say, make every night special.
Okay, well, that's a -- that's a fun philosophy,
but not everyone can follow that, okay?
'Cause -- 'Cause we have responsibilities.
We have -- We have budgets.
We have a daughter, you know.
Where is our daughter?
- I don't know. Backyard, maybe? - ?Maybe.
-我不知道 在后院吧 -可能吧
my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis,
bought the old horizontal wardrobe.
For you closet non-pros, that means he died.
Then last week, I received this urn and this note.
"You know what to do with my ashes.
Follow the path."
What the hell does that mean?
You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't.
He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid.
I still can't figure out
the meaning of "Follow the path!"
I'm gonna need you to call Shirl
and find out why her father's been torturing me.
- You call her! - That's not an option.
She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father,
and for some reason, she doesn't like me.
Hmm...I'll see what I can do.
Hey, Manny! What's up?
I'm not here! Everything's fine!
- Super-dupes. - Okay, I'll -- I'll -- I'll talk.
-超级好 -好吧 我招了
Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night,
and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since.
What? Where did you see him last?
He went off with this girl.
- With a girl? ?- Yeah.
Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men.
When we come into contact with a lady,
we leave her with a burning sensation.
Let me try that again.
Um...when a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt,
he's just gotta get in it.
- No! ?- I get the point.
Look, I'm just glad you came to me...
I didn't. You caught me here.
...'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this. ?
Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail.
Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob.
I really think you should be a little worried about this.
Let me tell you something about Dunphy men.
Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood.
菲尔 那一区龙蛇混杂 很不安全
if it makes you feel better,
we'll go down there and look around for him.
We're gonna need backup -- serious backup.
I used to live in this neighborhood.
If you act tough, nobody will mess with you.
Would you like to try
a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone?
- What? - ?Free sample.
You can get a larger one down at our stand.
We also refurbish tubas.
What happened to my neighborhood?
Have the best day.
White people with beards -- they ruined everything.
Why would you even say that this place was dangerous?
It was a lot scarier at dark. There was jazz.
Luke's still not answering.
We're gonna find him, Phil.
Oh, I-I'm not worried. I've been there.
Meet a girl, you lose track of place and time,
not just 'cause your compass watch is missing,
and suddenly her cousin Rodney has the exact same watch
but swears it was always his.
Oh, look! Mario's Bodyshop.
At least one thing is still the same.
There's nothing that happens in this street
that Mario doesn't know about.
Let's go over there.
So, red lights are flashing, alarms are blaring.
We're about 10 seconds from a meltdown so hot
it's gonna turn Belgium into a pool of hot chocolate.
And I suddenly realize,
they haven't properly accounted for the relativistic distort--
Hey, what's this building's number?
I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie.
I quickly do a few multi-dimensional
tensor calculations in my head,
I push this crying guard to one side
and adjust the synchrotron.
I look up at the countdown clock.
You, with the phone!
- What's your name? - Alex Dunphy.
Ms. Dunphy, is my story of saving the world
whilst accidently creating three new elements boring you?
Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
没有 没有 完全没有
I'm so sorry, Professor.
Nothing you could say would ever bore me.
I actually went as you last year for Halloween.
Okay, it's my phone. Don't blame my sister.
好吧 这是我的手机 别怪我妹妹
Hey, Chelsea. Gonna have to call you back.
- Shut up! Shut up! - ?Shut up!
-我不信 你闭嘴 -闭嘴
Excuse me, Chelsea's friend.
Y-You don't look like one of my students.
Oh, thank you! That is so sweet.
No. Why are you here?
Oh, I have a really big job interview today,
and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my --
Yeah, we're going. I'm taking her out. I am so sorry.
我们走了 我带她出去 很抱歉
What? He asked. You're being rude.
干嘛 是他问的 你太没礼貌了
- Very revealing. ?- Get out.
Claire, I'm so glad you called.
How come we've never done this before?
Because we were born into a feud.
Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets,
the -- the closet lunatic and the closet idiot.
- By the way, I'm really sorry about your dad. - ?Thanks.
-顺便说一句 很遗憾你爸爸去世了 -谢谢
Do you have any idea why he had his ashes sent to my dad?
- Probably to drive him bonkers. - Well, it's working.
That would've made him happy.
Let's make a pact -- to never be like them.
We are two women in a male-dominated industry.
We should help each other.
Actually, do you have any sources
for antique pineapple knobs?
We're doing this whole colonial line --
Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know.
He's our lead designer.
Everybody knows who Lazlo is. He's a legend.
Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn.
Robot workers. Now, that's the future.
Right! They work 24/7,
and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake.
Yeah, and as they become more human,
you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office",
你就可以说 你 来我办公室
- and then you just go to town on them. ?- Yeah.
What happened to the bodyshop?
Oh, we just kept the sign.
Oh, uh, so -- so no M-Mario?
Mnh-mnh. We're an artist collective.
Jillian works in yarn,
Mumford sculpts with Lego, Duncan is a painter.
May I write you a poem?
Are you kidding me?
I told you it was a career.
Um, any chance that you have, uh, seen my son?
Oh, okay. He -- He was around here last night.
He apparently went off with a girl from this neighborhood.
We just haven't been able to reach him since.
Do you know the girl's name?
No. Uh, something Latin-y.
What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y.
Can you describe her?
Brown hair, high cheekbones --
What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos?
Huh, that is surprisingly effective.
Wait a minute. I know that girl.
I think she works at a cupcake shop.
Great. Where is it?
Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four.
There's Cupcakes! With an exclamation point,
there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes,
there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs,
and then there's Rick's VCR Repair.
Oh, they make the best cupcakes.
Stupid Max, forcing us to eat our caviar
on a regular Friday morning.
I can't even enjoy the symphony of flavors,
or the -- or the way that it melts in my mouth.
Why don't you just wash it down with whatever wine's left.
Yeah, why don't I.
- Cheers. - ?Cheers.
Mmm, and, of course, you know what?
I-I cannot believe I'm having one of the best meals of my life
and we're not even celebrating anything.
Yeah, thanks, Max!
- Thank you, Max. - ?Thank you, Max.
Cam, is it -- is it -- is it possible
that we're actually enjoying ourselves
and -- and that Max was right?
Maybe we do defer enjoyment.
All those unspent frequent flyer miles,
the boots that I have waited so long to wear
that they're no longer in style,
the -- the -- the surfboards
that we've never used because
it just "had to be the perfect beach day".
- Mitchell... - I'm lighting it.
-No! - ?I'm lighting it!
No, that is our monogrammed wedding candle,
and we're supposed to save it.
- I don't know! ?- You don't know.
- I don't. - ?You don't know.
Smells like eternal love.
Why are you always in my office?
I do my best work in here. ?
I've been trying to get into his head.
I even brought his favorite lunch --
shrimp cocktail and bourbon.
Or that's just what you have for lunch every day.
That's another thing Earl stole from me! ?
- What did you find out? - First of all,
Shirl doesn't know anything about the ashes.
And second, we're not gonna be a part of your little feud anymore.
- We're gonna be friends. - She's playing you!
- No... -?Let me ask you a question.
Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens?
Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call
saying just out of the blue,
Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us.
Did she see your proposal?
Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure she
看了 爸 我肯定
rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom.
You went to the bathroom?
- Why don't you just give her the company?! - Oh, God.
- Bingo! Ketchup! - What does that prove?
-你瞧 番茄酱 -这说明什么
Did she have ketchup for lunch?
She had... french fries.
There's your smoking gun.
Margaret? I'm gonna need
fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head.
No! No, Shirl wouldn't have done this.
Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs,
but they were all just bought up by Closets...
- No. - Closets...
You know what you have to do?
You've got to hit her where it hurts.
What does she value most?
I don't think you understand
how humiliating that was for me.
There are parts of me that will never uncringe.
So I interrupted some boring story.
Dr. Arvin Fennerman
is a two-time Vanderkoff Grant winner --
one for philosophy and one for geometry.
You can't put him into a box
- because... - Could you please just read my sample?
This job is important to me.
This is my one shot at a real career.
Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"?
好 我读 但"真正工作"吗
I've seen this NERP business.
Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers.
Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism?
No. Turns out there are no laws against
eating your own appendix,
and it does help with fine lines.
But she's a success story.
Child star, bond girl,
indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
- Don't you mean Ponzi scheme? - ?Sadly, no.
-你说的是庞氏骗局吧 -很遗憾 还真不是呢
So, out of desperation, she invented NERP,
and next thing you know -- boom! Empire.
I just want to be a part of something great.
Well, if I'm being honest,
your writing sample's actually pretty good.
Really?! Thank you.
Oh, my God. It's Dr. Fennerman.
Don't think, don't breathe, keep your head down. ?O-kay.
别思考 别呼吸 头低下
Sorry! Hello, Doctor.
不好意思 你好 博士
Would you like down sit?
- What? - Kind, that's very you of, Alex.
-什么鬼 -太好了你人 艾丽克斯
Um...tell me again, why were you in my class?
I have a very big interview
with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just --
Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right?
People complain about the diarrhea all the time,
but that is the point.
Her science is utter nonsense.
I mean, space stickers that give you energy,
and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi,
and seriously -- $1,200 socks?
Those sheep eat nothing but sushi.
- Are we done here? - Surprisingly, not.
-我们说完没有 -神奇的是 没有
This might sound crazy, but...
I'm going to marry you.
I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl?
No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it.
不 听我说 我也搞不懂
Frankly, it boggles the mind,
but I've been running
dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met,
and-and they all end with us...
I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but --
I have plenty of those.
Are you a neuro-electrical current
because you've been running through my mind all day?
But th-th-that's not what this is.
This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
- Ew, how do you know my name? - I know everything.
Also, your pass has your name written on it.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone.
You just tap to accept it.
Uh, yeah, not gonna...tap that.
Haley, there are forces in the universe
that we don't understand...
measurable forces that...can't be explained,
but cannot be denied...
and that's-that's what this is.
I don't get it, but...I know that it's real.
That was so dumb!
What? No, it wasn't. You're-you're dumb.
什么 哪里智障 你才智障
That's gonna stick. I'm-I'm in your head.
- Okay. ?- You'll see.
Sure, buddy. Now try and walk away cool.
行行行 兄弟 走人时尽量走得帅一点
- Oh, I will. - ?Okay.
We were standing right here making out.
All of a sudden, he said, "I'll be right back",
and that was the last I saw of him.
You guys, my break is over,
but I hope you find him.
Thank you for your help,
and the cupcakes are delicious, by the way.
- Those are for dogs. - Oh, no.
- Ay, Phil, are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
-菲尔 你没事吧 -没事没事
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation
why Luke would abandon a make-out sesh.
A Dunphy man would never do that.
We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders,
but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting!
You have to stay positive.
Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn.
I've been putting on a brave face
to squash the darkness inside of me,
but what if the worst has happened?
How will I tell Claire? I won't.
I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain,
but then Jay will have lost a daughter.
I'll have to smother him, too.
That's two pillows from the same set. It's a pattern.
- The police are after me! - ?Get ahold of yourself!
It wasn't me. Look, I'm still cocked!
不是我 你瞧 我手还没落下去呢
Luke! You're okay!
I got stuck on the roof.
I don't have to kill your mother!
Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom.
Someone told him it was upstairs,
so he walked all the way up to the roof
and locked himself out.
His phone was dead, and he-he lost his voice
trying to scream over the street musicians.
I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss.
Could you pop on up and open the door?
- It's pronounced "Lazlo". ?- That's what I said.
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
Have you had a chance to consider our offer
to join Pritchett's Closets?
I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands.
Ah, yes, of course.
...uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets,
an empty office with a drain in the floor..."
- What's a "Scream room"? - I think that's self-explanatory.
You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me?
I thought we were friends.
We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs.
- As a gift! ?- What?
- I had them sent to you. - You did?
Don't listen to her.
This is all part of some sick plan.
Stealing Claire's proposals,
Earl's urn to get in my head.
But your little games are not gonna work.
Yeah. Yeah, how do you explain
the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries?
I never use ketchup.
I like my fries the way I like my Lazlo...
You guys have a really complicated relationship.
And what's that red stain?
Shrimp cocktail sauce, uh-oh.
- Shirl... - ?Save it.
We could have been friends. Well, forget it.
What is she up to?
No, no. Your crazy conspiracy theories just cost me a friend.
I thought I'd finally found
an -- an ally in this industry,
somebody to... to climb the hill with.
Up the hill! Oh, my God! That's it!
共登山巅 天啊 就是这个
No, no, you do not get to have an epiphany right now!
I am furious at you!
The answer is...yes.
People say that NERP
is nothing more than a con job,
a cash-grab vanity project from a kooky actress.
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a question?
- No. ?- Oh, okay.
- They don't tell me things. - Who's "They"?
See, I don't see NERP as, like, a business.
- It's more, like, a kind of... - Like a way of life! Me too!
-这更像是种... -生活方式 我也是
Walt Disney once... envisioned...
a magical world...
...and people told him he was mad.
They called it "Walt's Folly."
- But you know what that place became? - Disneyland.
- That was not a question. - Oh, I -- I'm sorry.
That place is Disneyland.
What?! That's crazy. Didn't see it coming.
真的假的 不是吧 完全没猜到
I want to turn NERP
into the next Disney-Facebook-Tesla-Botox.
变成下一个迪士尼 脸书 特斯拉 肉毒针
It's a world changer. It's a road map to the future.
That was a question!
I really liked your writing sample, it's true.
...we have a lot of candidates
with more experience and famous-er parents,
fly away, little birdie.
Flap. Flap, flap.
啪嗒 啪嗒 啪嗒
You and me -- this is gonna happen.
There are forces in the universe that we don't understand.
They can't be explained, but they cannot be denied,
and that is what this is.
I don't -- I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
That is just what I said to all of those haters
who told me that my crystal energy stickers
did not improve your colon health.
They do if you, you know...
So, um, does that mean that I will see you Monday morning?
Let's make it Tuesday
'cause I like to spend Mondays in a flotation tank.
As young men, we'd hike this path up to an old oak tree,
where we'd brainstorm how to conquer the closet universe.
We foolishly thought that we knew everything back then.
But hopefully, I've learned a few things through the years.
Like, live today as if there is no tomorrow.
it's not too late to right past wrongs,
and when things are looking down, look up...
...or take chances you never imagined you would.
"You stupid softy, I knew you'd do it.
Did you try to do something special?
Was it at sunset?
It was at sunset, wasn't it?
See you in hell."
I look forward to that.
Whoo! ?Ohh, this is amazing!
I know! We should have done this years ago.
Whoa. I'm a little cold. Are you a little cold?
Yeah, the parts of me that I can still feel sure are. ?Yeah.
Oh, look at those suckers on their way home from work.
Enjoy the rat race!
- Don't forget to pay your taxes! - Yeah!
Hey, did you see the story about that, um, dinosaur fish?
It said it had the head of... a head of a snake or something.
Yeah, 16 rows of teeth, uh-huh.
Hey, do you think that we look like seals from underneath?
Mitchell, w-what are we doing?
What are we... We're living our lives, is what we're doing.
Yeah, but I, uh, I'm just asking,
是啊 我知道 我只是问问
but was imagining it more fun?
Well, it was warmer.
You know, I like looking forward to things.
Carly Simon's big hit was "Anticipation",
not "Remember That Cool Thing We Did".
Hey, I have an idea.
L-Let's go back, we'll buy a bottle of wine that we'll never open
and a candle that we'll never light,
- call it a day, huh? - That sounds wonderful.
Okay, but stop touching my feet.
I didn't touch you.
I didn't touch you.
- You didn't... - I didn't touch you.
- Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish!
-恐龙鱼 是恐龙鱼 -恐龙鱼 恐龙鱼
Mitchell! Mitchell, do not leave me alone!
米奇尔 米奇尔 不许你留下我一个人