It's the most stressful day of the year
She tends to leave her gift shopping till the last minute,
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and the pressure can really get to her.
- Oh, did you forget it's our -- ?- No.
You're strangely calm.
Is this the legendary realm beyond madness.
I already got your gift.
I even stayed below the $100 limit.
Oh, you'll be quite pleased.
...once I find something.
This time I left my shopping till the last minute,
maybe just to give Claire a chance at our competition.
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Am I too competitive?
I mean, she does often say,
"Phil, do you always have to finish first?"
Joe, I'm coming for you.
Hey, have you guys seen Joe?
You found me so easy.
But that was for fun.
I'm here because Luke has the new zombie video game
that my mom would never let me play.
Hey, didn't you get a new video game?
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
糟了 糟了 糟了 糟了
- Did you see her yesterday? - No, why?
-你昨天看到她了吗 -没有 怎么了
That's what she says when she realizes
she just slept through an entire day.
So, my boss went away for the weekend,
and I realized I left my phone at her house.
There's a doggy door,
but then I would have to find a dog,
somehow learn how to train it
to go inside, and then find it.
- And I don't know where to get a -- - Honey...
Oh my God, duh.
Joe, you have a dog.
Now see, this is when entertainment was classy.
Max Feldman wore a tux,
the audience smoked cigars.
And his act is as fresh today as it was in the '70s.
What are you, an Eskimo?
You got 50 words for "snow,"
but apparently none for "toothbrush."
I don't understand why you guys like that man.
we're not bringing you to his show tonight.
You don't get the jokes,
you ask questions the whole time...
It ruins the experience.
I understand funny jokes.
This is not funny. This is mean.
He just told that guy
that he looked like a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.
And that guy was Ronald Reagan and he loved it!
I hope Feldman zetzes me tonight.
- Is that why you're wearing that shirt? - Huh? No.
Anyways, I'm gonna go and run some errands.
If Jorge arrives before I'm back,
please don't bore him with this stuff.
Jorge was this steamy Latin musician
your mother used to date.
Apparently she feels she has to invite him here,
instead of just thinking about him
while she pages through a high-school yearbook
like a normal person.
Jay, don't be jealous.
It was 20 years ago,
and I only dated him for six months.
And we never had what you and I have.
Well, that's nice to hear.
It was only physical.
you're gonna learn something today.
I try to learn something every day.
It keeps me young,
or nuori, as they say in Finnish.
Assuming you stop saying stuff like that,
one day you will be married,
and eventually the ex will show up
puffing out his pretty-boy chest,
which is your cue to go alpha.
Don't you think Mom will get annoyed
when she sees you being rude to an old friend?
Deep down, she wants to see me vanquish
all who came before.
It's basic animal stuff.
My girlfriend Karen was pretty frisky the other night
after her ex showed up, and I bested him
in a chocolate-souffle bake-off.
I don't need to tell you
my souffle wasn't the only sweet brown dish
she devoured that night.
I also made molasses cookies.
I've learned to ask the second question.
I don't even remember what the fight was about.
Then why does your teacher want to have a chat with us?
Maybe she has trouble meeting people.
Oh, that is a -- that's bold.
- It's too young, isn't it? - ?No!
-太年轻了 是不是 -不会
Oh god, these things have lie detectors now.
Sir, please give me your bag.
Oh...we-- well, the cashier probably
just forgot to take a security tag off of the --
Where did that come from?
No. I wouldn't steal a bra!
I don't wear bras!
Oh. Well, maybe once.
Our friend Pepper had a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.
Yeah, he's had five of those.
- So... - Sir, please come with me.
-你懂的 -先生 请随我来
No... No, no, no, no, no.
Mitchell, call a lawyer!
Yeah, but you've lost more suits
than a Men's Wearhouse in a tornado.
They thought you were a shoplifter! Burn!
A fight at school, and now a shoplifting prank?
If you wanted to rebel,
why don't you just put a pink streak in your hair?
I told you, I don't want one.
But you would look so cute.
Okay, well, whatever this phase is,
- I'm not a fan. - ?I blame us.
- We've been far too permissive. - ?Agreed.
You are grounded for one month, Missy!
We got the Cirque du Soleil tickets.
- Except for Cirque du Soleil! - And the Disneyland trip.
And for Disneyland!
But you are not going to Christina's slumber party tonight
- no matter how much -- - We have reservations at Cactus.
Okay, Christina's slumber party
is the last one for a while.
Right. That's right.
The simpleton's choice.
The perfect gift has three elements --
not something you'd buy for yourself,
takes you on an emotional journey,
that journey is on a ship --
I mean, finding a gift that has all three is challenging,
but here's the thing. Bad ideas aren't your enemy.
In fact, sometimes if you free-associate
from the bad ideas, you discover great ones.
Sir, would you like a bonsai tree?
First thing that popped into the noodle.
Let's see what that key unlocks.
Bike lock. Padlock.
Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad!
什 么 鬼
It was like my muse just disappeared.
And she wasn't coming back.
Soap?! She's not your grandma, Phil!
香皂 她又不是你外婆 菲尔
If I don't care that it mops, dusts,
squeegees, and lights up,
would I care that Stacey Keach says
it's the last cleaning tool you'll ever need?
Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man.
夏卡·康[歌星] 骗子 曼岛
"I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu.
Lululemon, lemon peel.
"Key & Peele," Key chain!
Novelty key chain?!
- Laundry, right? - Oh, it never ends.
- Happy Anniversary, by the way. ?- Thank you.
-对了 结婚纪念日快乐 -谢谢
Did you get anything special for Phil?
Kid's smooth like butter.
Just like I coached him.
I am very excited about the present I got for Phil.
Come on over here. Come on closer.
But you have to promise that you are not gonna tell anybody.
I don't want anybody else to hear what it is.
It's a really good secret.
And the present is...
Why would you do that?!
My ears are still developing!
Oh. Hey, honey. How are you?
I'm so sorry. I have to take this.
Not too much. How are you?
There are a lot of ways you can establish status
over another man, like Jorge.
A firm handshake...
displays of wealth...
and feats of strength.
Moving that rug was the hardest thing
in the world for you when I needed to practice tap dancing.
There are also more subtle moves,
what I call micro-aggressions.
Call him by the wrong name.
Throws him off the moment he meets you.
You must be Huevos!
Jorge de la Selva.
In English, it's George of the Jungle,
so I stick with Spanish.
Hey, who's got the great taste?
So, you and Gloria... you used to, uh...
Hey, so he was a little more handsome than you were expecting,
but pull yourself together, man.
Now, fights are very common at Lily's age.
I mean, so many parents ask me,
"What happened to my sweet little kid,"
and I say, "That's puberty."
Puberty. Well, Lily's a little young for that, so...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What is this? The inner ear?
That is the female reproductive system.
I dropped the, uh --
I want to say egg chute,
but I know it's probably something more Latin-y.
It can be a challenge
when a child enters into adolescence,
so I was thinking --
does Lily have any aunts
or any other female figures in her life?
Well, she might want to talk to a woman
about what she's going through.
So meaning, as a gay couple,
we're not up to the task
of raising a daughter on our own.
Mitchell, I'm stuck.
I'm just saying that Lily may be self-conscious
talking to men -- even her dads --
about certain female body issues.
Did she tell you what the fight was about?
Yes, we are a very open family.
It's not like we wouldn't just not follow up.
And what did she tell you?
- A... ?- Boy...?
A girl tried to snap Lily's --
- Finger! ?- Bra.
- But Lily doesn't have a bra. ?- Exactly.
And now she's getting teased,
because unlike the other girls,
she doesn't have a --
Oh, just say it. A mom.
Oh, that wasn't a joke
when she stuffed that bra in your bag.
she was too embarrassed to ask for it.
You don't think this is gon-- gonna come up
at the slumber party, do you?
Not Christina S's slumber party?
- Yes. ?- Oh, God.
She single handedly sent our lunch lady back to rehab.
I would strongly consider bringing Lily --
Thank you, we got it.
Obviously you were gonna say
we should bring Lily... home?
Actually, I was going to say
bring Lily a training...bra.
- Training bra! - A train set! Bra.
-少女内衣 -一套火车[少女]] 内衣
See? We all said training bra at the same time.
Oh, wow. This crema is incredible.
The secret is Amore beans from Guatemala.
individually massaged by an order of hill nuns.
Oh, I'm very familiar with the Amore bean.
I get why you have trouble
vanquishing this guy.
- He's perfect. - So, Jorge, um,
you were Gloria's boyfriend right before Javier?
Yeah, and a little during, you know?
She kinda bounced around between the two of us.
Um, where is she anyway?
I got to be at a Dodger game in an hour.
Oh, you like sports?
I tried to get this one into baseball.
Actually, I hate baseball.
I'm here to sing the national anthem.
I'm an opera singer.
I just finished two months at La Scala.
The house that Toscanini built?!
Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt a few times.
You know, a bunch of opera singers prancing around.
It, uh, takes its toll on the foundation.
I'm here to pick up Mom's old boombox from storage?
She needs it for...
How many Mannys do you see through these things?
That's Gloria's ex-boyfriend.
Wait, how far ex?
Is -- Is it possible? What does Gloria say?
She hasn't even seen him yet.
these two clones don't see the resemblance.
Maybe she won't either? I'm not gonna force it on her.
I mean, it's no easy thing to say
"Is there a chance you're so dumb
you don't even know who the father of your baby is?"
We could do a DNA test.
I could do one at the lab at school.
And then you would have a definitive answer.
If it comes back negative,
mm, you don't even really have to tell Gloria.
Well, what do you need, saliva?
We take these two down to the Sizzler,
and you squeegee what you need off the salad-bar window?
They use hairs now!
"But we hanged Wichita Willy yesterday," said the sheriff.
"Could he be back for revenge?"
That's when they looked up
and there was Wichita Willy,
the noose still dangling from his neck.
Hey, sweetie. What you guys doing?
Have you heard of Twice Hung Willy?
Um, yes, I'm familiar with his films, but --
嗯 我了解他的电影 但是...
What are you doing here?
There's something we forgot to pack for you.
Can -- can I talk to you for a second?
No. It's girls only.
Yeah, no, but you're gonna love it.
Oh, it's not for you, Christina.
Why does your dad have a fallopian tube?
That's what it is. ?
What's wrong with you?!
Your father was fiddling
with your teacher's reproductive organ.
Oh, my God! Ms. Wolfe?!
No, ju-- the model on her desk.
And then he put his finger into it,
and then he couldn't --
- Well, now mine's stuck! - Okay, let me...
-我出不来了 -好吧 我来
- Okay, this is tight. - Push your finger through.
Are they like this in real life? I don't think so.
No. It's not gross, okay?
Nothing about your body is gross to us.
Yes. Not your cycles, not your fluids --
是的 你的生理周期不会 你的...
Oh my God, just stop talking forever,
Oh, well, that was a disaster.
You know, maybe it's just time we start to admit
that straight couples have strengths
that we don't, you know?
And maybe moms know more about girls than we do.
Is it time to start farming some of this girl stuff out?
Yeah, but to who?
Claire's an over-sharer.
Gloria -- is her body even human?
Haley knows less than Lily.
- So who do we go to? Alex? - ?I guess.
-那我们找谁 艾丽克斯吗 -我也认为
I mean, it'll be dull, but it'll be right.
Let's prank call Milo again.
You totally like him.
I do not! I just want to torture him.
Okay -- so, see, are we supposed to hear something like that
- and say nothing? - Yes, we are.
- Come on. - Okay, hi.
If you want to get a boy's attention,
you know, a prank call is probably not the move.
Cam, this is not our place.
But, he's not wrong.
I just like to make him mad!
Yeah, well, we just thought you liked him
and you wanted to know the best way to get his attention,
but apparently not.
- Okay. Okay, so, who's Milo's best friend? - Barrett.
-好吧 谁是米洛最好的朋友 -巴雷特
Okay, you're gonna text Milo, "You're hilarious!
Crying-laughing face, and winky face emoji."
Then you're gonna text back,
"Oops, sorry. That was for Barrett.
Neutral-face emoji with straight-line mouth."
Oh my God. Genius.
Wow, I've never seen her smile.
Milo just texted me back.
Okay, what'd he say?
Winky eye face with the tongue hanging out."
Oh, you're in. You're in.
Do not text him back, okay?
But when you see him on Monday,
walk right past him and throw him a quick...
All right, you girls got it from here.
We have a dinner reservation.
Hey, I saw what you put in the bag.
You're welcome, sweetie. And we love you.
Are you gonna be this cool when I like a boy?
Oh, no. No. No. Not a chance.
- Good, you're home. - One second.
-太好了 你回来了 -等一下
Papi, you look great in that new shirt!
- So handsome! - Gloria!
I thought you were Manny.
Good. You're caught up now.
I know I put on a few,
but they don't take you seriously as an opera singer
when you're too skinny.
Do you know what happens when the thin lady sings?
The show just keeps going.
It's so wonderful to see you.
I -- I'm gonna go and open a bottle of wine.
Do you think that Jorge could be...?
Jorge mentioned you bounced around
between him and Javier.
How much bouncing did you do?
Technically, it's possible.
- How is Manny going to handle this? - Not great.
You know he doesn't respond well to surprises.
Remember how upset he got
when he found out those mashed potatoes
were really just whipped cauliflower?
What are we going to do?
Okay, Grandpa, I got --
Oh, Gloria, you're here.
What do you bring with you, besides that guilty look?
Okay, in order to get a definitive answer,
I had Alex perform a DNA test.
You got them both to spit?
They use hair now. Eugh.
Hey, lotion's on the sink, Jorge.
Hey, turns out I'm not the only one
who suffers from dry naval.
Uh, Alex, why do you have a medical form
with my name on it?
I don't think I should be the one to explain this.
Manny...as you know,
your mother and Jorge had a relationship.
You're a lot alike,
and it made us curious as to whether...
Uh, are -- are you saying --
This is a DNA test.
Your mom didn't even find out until today.
I -- I don't even know how to react.
So my whole childhood was a lie?
I thought Javier was my dad.
Now he's just some stranger who gave me baths?
It's not who brings you into the world.
It's what you do when you're there.
You're not Javier.
You're not this guy. You're you.
And what you are is amazing.
I've been your dad since you were 10,
and I'm gonna be your dad until I'm gone.
I love you, and I always will.
I love you too, Jay.
Now who doesn't understand a joke?!
I never dated Jorge!
He's the butcher at the grocery store!
I just thought that he looked like Manny!
Why would you do that?
Because you said that I didn't understand funny.
I didn't know you were going to take the prank this far.
You made Grandpa cry.
"I love you and I always will."
Okay, look, I'm out.
Uh, I used to raise veal,
and this has to be the cruelest thing
I've ever been a part of.
Okay, almost there... almost there...
Hang on. One second.
Claire's gift involved a blindfold
and a second location --
showmanship of the highest order.
To make things worse, the clock ran out on me.
I can't even say it out loud.
?Our old apartment.
I was noodling around on Airbnb a couple of weeks ago
and it was just right there listed.
It's $85 for the night,
$6 for our old favorite Arizona fish sticks,
which you will smell warming right now...
...$3 for the "Forget Paris" rental.
Aw, you even found cans of the wine we used to like.
You completely nailed it.
I know. I really did!
And it was the first time ever.
I really want this feeling to last.
Would it be weird if I asked you
not to give me your gift until tomorrow?
- You got it. ?- Yes!
In fact, I might, uh --
I might sneak off and trade this in
for something really terrible
just to seal your victory.
Now let's get this party started.
The old mixtape I made you? ?
Oh, yeah. "Songs in the key of Phil."
Aw, no. Wait, hang on.
- It's not going back in. - You know what?
Sometimes it's nice to not have music.
Well, I'm not listening to that all night.
I wonder if the old intercom system still works.
Tell 'em how I feel.
It's okay! Okay. No need to be alarmed.
没事的 没事 不用紧张
Oh, no, not the fish sticks!
Oh, oh, Phil? Open the window, and it'll stop the alarm!
- Oh, God! ?Whoa! Oh, God! - ?Oh, it's okay!
-天啊 救命 -没事的
- Phil! Phil! ?- Oh! I got you!
-菲尔 菲尔 -我来救你
- Okay. - I got you!
Oh, God. ? oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
天啊 天啊 天啊
Wine is flammable?!
No! But that is!
Oh, for God's sake, Phil, just swear like an adult.
Part of me always knew this is how I was gonna go out.
In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons?
What -- what is this?
- Yeah! Get out! - You shut your mouth!
And since the neighbors can't take a hint.
nothing but the best for you...
...on our anniversary.
May I have this dance?
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Did you get me a mop for our --
Honey, what happened?
I spilled some milk.
Apparently the only thing this mop can't do is mop.
Well, there's no use crying over it.
Just call them and complain.
This is your emergency moperator.
The mop function on my mop isn't working.
I'm sorry to hear that,
I'm gonna go ahead and do you a remote reset.
You may notice your mop gets extremly hot.
Good one moperator.
You should've seen his face.
I did. You are an adorable couple.
- I rid of it. - I'm...