摩登家庭 第九季 Modern Family Season 9 第18集: Daddy Issues

上映日期: 2,017

语言: 英语

影片类型: 喜剧 / 家庭

导演: 詹姆斯·R·巴格多纳斯

演员: 艾德·奥尼尔 / 索菲娅·维加拉 / 朱丽·鲍温 / 泰·布利尔 / 杰西·泰勒·弗格森 / 艾瑞克·斯通斯崔特 / 萨拉·海蓝德 / 阿芮尔·温特 / 诺兰·古德 / 里克·罗德里格兹 / 奥布里·


台词
How we doin'?
你好吗
It's the most stressful day of the year
今天是全年压力最大的日子
for Claire --
是对克莱尔来说
our anniversary.
今天是结婚周年纪念日
She tends to leave her gift shopping till the last minute,
她总是到最后关头才去选礼物
原创翻译 双语字幕
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and the pressure can really get to her.
弄得自己压力很大
I'm great.
我很好啊
翻译: 洗七里 尤妮希 斑驳
- Oh, did you forget it's our -- ?- No.
-你是不是忘了今天是... -我没忘
翻译: 冰蓝 喜剧之王赛太公
Happy Anniversary.
周年纪念日快乐
You're strangely calm.
你平静得很离奇
Is this the legendary realm beyond madness.
这是传说中疯到极点后的返疯归真之域吗
校对: 新浪微博@赛太公
I already got your gift.
你的礼物我已经买好了
And I nailed it.
我选得特别成功
时间轴: 西·查
I even stayed below the $100 limit.
而且没有超过一百块钱的预算限制
You?
你呢
Oh, you'll be quite pleased.
你会很满意的
...once I find something.
等我找到礼物后
后期: 瓜瓜 总监: 怀念浓子的瓜瓜
This time I left my shopping till the last minute,
这次我等到最后一刻才去买礼物
maybe just to give Claire a chance at our competition.
可能是为了给克莱尔一个竞争的希望
打开微信 扫描左侧二维码或搜索公众号: 美剧炸了了解最新影视资讯字幕信息
Am I too competitive?
我太好胜了吗
I mean, she does often say,
她确实常说
"Phil, do you always have to finish first?"
"菲尔 你每次都要先到终点[高潮]吗"
Joe, I'm coming for you.
乔 我来抓你啦
Hey, have you guys seen Joe?
你们见到乔了吗
Aw, man!
大兄弟
You found me so easy.
你这么轻易就找到我了
But that was for fun.
但好玩就好啦
Hide and seek?
躲猫猫
What am I, 4?
当我4岁小屁孩吗
I'm here because Luke has the new zombie video game
我来是因为卢克有最新的丧尸电子游戏
that my mom would never let me play.
我妈绝不会让我玩
So...what else?
还有什么
What else?
还有什么能玩呢
Hey, didn't you get a new video game?
对了 你不是买了新的游戏吗
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
糟了 糟了 糟了 糟了
- Did you see her yesterday? - No, why?
-你昨天看到她了吗 -没有 怎么了
That's what she says when she realizes
她发现自己睡过了一整天
she just slept through an entire day.
就会这样骂
So, my boss went away for the weekend,
我老板周末外出了
and I realized I left my phone at her house.
我发现我把手机落在她家了
There's a doggy door,
有一扇狗狗门可以进去
but then I would have to find a dog,
但那样我就得先找只狗
somehow learn how to train it
想办法训练它进屋里去
to go inside, and then find it.
再找到我的手机
- And I don't know where to get a -- - Honey...
-我不知道上哪儿去找... -亲爱的
Oh my God, duh.
天啊 我这都没想到
Joe, you have a dog.
乔 你不就有只狗吗
Come on.
走吧
家 庭
摩 登
第九季 第十八集
Now see, this is when entertainment was classy.
看到没 那时娱乐行业还是有格调的
Max Feldman wore a tux,
老艺人身穿礼服
the audience smoked cigars.
观众抽着雪茄
And his act is as fresh today as it was in the '70s.
他的表演放到今天看 仍然跟七零年代时一样好笑
What are you, an Eskimo?
怎么 你是爱斯基摩人吗
You got 50 words for "snow,"
你懂50种雪的不同称呼
爱斯基摩人通常都是一口烂牙
but apparently none for "toothbrush."
但却不懂"牙刷"怎么叫
I don't understand why you guys like that man.
我不懂你们为什么喜欢这男的
He's a bully.
他就是个欺负人的恶霸
See, this is why
这就是为什么
we're not bringing you to his show tonight.
我们今晚才不带你去看他的表演
You don't get the jokes,
你听不懂笑话的哏
you ask questions the whole time...
总是问个不停
It ruins the experience.
那会毁了观看感受
I understand funny jokes.
我听得懂好笑的笑话
This is not funny. This is mean.
这不是好笑 是恶毒
He just told that guy
他刚刚对那男的说
that he looked like a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.
他看起来像穿着晚礼服的牛肉干
美国前总统 演员出身
And that guy was Ronald Reagan and he loved it!
那个男的是罗纳德·里根 他爱死这笑话了
I hope Feldman zetzes me tonight.
我希望费尔德曼今晚也吐槽我
- Is that why you're wearing that shirt? - Huh? No.
-所以你才穿上这件丑爆的衣服吗 -不是
Anyways, I'm gonna go and run some errands.
我要出门去办些事
If Jorge arrives before I'm back,
如果豪尔赫在我回来之前就到了
please don't bore him with this stuff.
拜托你们不要用这些玩意烦他
Jorge was this steamy Latin musician
豪尔赫是个骚气美型的拉丁音乐人
your mother used to date.
你妈跟他交往过
Apparently she feels she has to invite him here,
显然她觉得必须邀请他来家里
instead of just thinking about him
而不是边翻看高中年刊
while she pages through a high-school yearbook
配着第三杯威士忌
on her third Scotch
边想着他
like a normal person.
像个正常人一样
Jay, don't be jealous.
杰 别吃醋
It was 20 years ago,
那都是20年前的事了
and I only dated him for six months.
再说我们只交往了6个月而已
And we never had what you and I have.
我们的感情远不如我跟你之间的深刻
Well, that's nice to hear.
这话听了还挺开心
It was only physical.
我只是沉迷他的肉体而已
Manny...
曼尼
you're gonna learn something today.
你今天要学点新知识
I try to learn something every day.
我每天都尽量学习新知识
It keeps me young,
那让我保持青春活力
or nuori, as they say in Finnish.
用芬兰语说就是"牛哦狸"
Assuming you stop saying stuff like that,
假设你能不再说这种瞎话
one day you will be married,
终有一天你会娶到老婆
and eventually the ex will show up
然后前任就会出现
sniffing around,
东闻西闻想抢你老婆
puffing out his pretty-boy chest,
挺起他小鲜肉的胸膛
which is your cue to go alpha.
那时你就要拿出你的兽王气概
Don't you think Mom will get annoyed
妈妈看到你对她老朋友不礼貌
when she sees you being rude to an old friend?
你觉得她不会生气吗
Not at all.
完全不会
Deep down, she wants to see me vanquish
内心深处 她想看到我
all who came before.
完虐其他追求者
It's basic animal stuff.
这是最基本的动物界原理
Oh, I get it.
我懂
My girlfriend Karen was pretty frisky the other night
前几天晚上 我女友凯伦的前男友出现后
after her ex showed up, and I bested him
我跟他来了一场巧克力梳芙厘烘烤大对决
in a chocolate-souffle bake-off.
在我打败她后 她心情也很好
I don't need to tell you
我不说你也能猜到
my souffle wasn't the only sweet brown dish
她那晚"吃掉"的巧克力色甜点
she devoured that night.
不止我的梳芙厘
Because...?
因为...
I also made molasses cookies.
我还做了黑糖曲奇
I've learned to ask the second question.
所以我才学会了要问第二个问题
I don't even remember what the fight was about.
我都不记得为什么事打架了
Then why does your teacher want to have a chat with us?
那你的老师为什么想跟我们谈谈
Maybe she has trouble meeting people.
可能她交不到朋友吧
Oh, that is a -- that's bold.
那是... 好大胆
- It's too young, isn't it? - ?No!
-太年轻了 是不是 -不会
Oh god, these things have lie detectors now.
妈呀 这些玩意现在还能测谎了
Sir, please give me your bag.
先生 请给我看看你的袋子
Oh...we-- well, the cashier probably
估计是收银员
just forgot to take a security tag off of the --
忘记取下防盗牌了
Where did that come from?
这是从哪儿来的
Possible 488.
疑似出现488情况
No. I wouldn't steal a bra!
不是啦 我怎么会偷胸罩
I don't wear bras!
我又不穿胸罩
Oh. Well, maybe once.
可能就穿过一次
Our friend Pepper had a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.
我们的朋友胡娇办过"五十岁好累[变装]派对"
Yeah, he's had five of those.
他办过五次五十岁生日派对了
- So... - Sir, please come with me.
-你懂的 -先生 请随我来
No... No, no, no, no, no.
不 不不不
Mitchell, call a lawyer!
米奇尔 打电话叫律师
I'm a lawyer.
我就是律师
Yeah, but you've lost more suits
可你输过的官司[丢掉的西装]
than a Men's Wearhouse in a tornado.
比遭遇龙卷风的西装大卖场还多
April Fool's!
愚人节快乐
They thought you were a shoplifter! Burn!
他们以为你是商店扒手 傻了吧
A fight at school, and now a shoplifting prank?
在学校和人打架 现在又搞偷窃恶作剧
If you wanted to rebel,
如果你这是叛逆期
why don't you just put a pink streak in your hair?
为什么不能染一缕粉头发
I told you, I don't want one.
我说过了我不想染
But you would look so cute.
可你会看起来很可爱的
Okay, well, whatever this phase is,
好吧 无论你这是什么阶段
- I'm not a fan. - ?I blame us.
-我可不喜欢 -这都怪我们
- We've been far too permissive. - ?Agreed.
-我们太纵容她了 -同意
You are grounded for one month, Missy!
你被禁足一个月 小姑娘
We got the Cirque du Soleil tickets.
太阳马戏团的票已经买了
- Except for Cirque du Soleil! - And the Disneyland trip.
-除了去看太阳马戏团 -和迪斯尼乐园之旅
And for Disneyland!
和迪斯尼乐园之旅
But you are not going to Christina's slumber party tonight
但今晚不准你去克里斯蒂娜的睡衣派对
- no matter how much -- - We have reservations at Cactus.
-无论... -我们今晚订了仙人掌酒店了
Okay, Christina's slumber party
好吧 克里斯蒂娜的睡衣派对之后
is the last one for a while.
近期都不准出去玩
Right. That's right.
没错 没错
Scented candles.
香薰蜡烛
多种香味 每个6.5美元
The simpleton's choice.
愚人的选择
The perfect gift has three elements --
完美的礼物要有三个元素
not something you'd buy for yourself,
不能是你会买给自己的东西
takes you on an emotional journey,
能勾起人的情感回忆
that journey is on a ship --
并且勾得很有技巧
A showmanship.
表演技巧
I mean, finding a gift that has all three is challenging,
想找到具备三元素的礼物很难
but here's the thing. Bad ideas aren't your enemy.
但重点是 坏点子不是你的敌人
In fact, sometimes if you free-associate
事实上 有时如果你根据坏点子
from the bad ideas, you discover great ones.
展开自由联想 就能发现好点子
Let's try it.
我们试试看
Sir, would you like a bonsai tree?
先生 您到底想不想买盆栽
Novelty key chain.
新奇钥匙链
First thing that popped into the noodle.
跳进脑海的第一个点子
It's terrible.
糟透了
Let's see what that key unlocks.
我们看看能解锁什么好主意
Novelty key chain.
新奇钥匙链
Novelty lock.
新奇的锁
以下都是谐音联想
Loch Ness Monster.
尼斯湖水怪
Monster bike.
越野摩托车
Bike lock. Padlock.
车锁 挂锁
Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad!
鼠标垫 新奇鼠标垫
Novelty key chain!
新奇钥匙链
What...just...happened?
什 么 鬼
It was like my muse just disappeared.
就像我的灵感女神消失了一般
And she wasn't coming back.
她一去不回了
Soap?! She's not your grandma, Phil!
香皂 她又不是你外婆 菲尔
If I don't care that it mops, dusts,
如果我都不在乎它能拖地 拂尘
squeegees, and lights up,
有刮水板 有照明
would I care that Stacey Keach says
我为什么会在乎斯泰西·基齐[演员]说
it's the last cleaning tool you'll ever need?
有了它别的清洁工具都不能入眼
Box of chocolates.
一盒巧克力
以下都是谐音联想
Count Chocula.
巧克拉伯爵[一种麦片]
Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man.
夏卡·康[歌星] 骗子 曼岛
"I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu.
《我爱露西》 刘玉玲
Lululemon, lemon peel.
露露柠檬[服装品牌] 柠檬皮
"Key & Peele," Key chain!
《基和皮尔》 钥匙链
Novelty key chain?!
新奇钥匙链
No!!
No!
- Laundry, right? - Oh, it never ends.
-洗衣服很烦吧 -洗不完的衣服
I heard that.
说得没错
- Happy Anniversary, by the way. ?- Thank you.
-对了 结婚纪念日快乐 -谢谢
Did you get anything special for Phil?
你给菲尔买什么特别的礼物了吗
Kid's smooth like butter.
这孩子演得太溜了
Just like I coached him.
就像我教他的一样
I am very excited about the present I got for Phil.
我给菲尔准备的礼物让我特别激动
Come on over here. Come on closer.
到这来 走近点
But you have to promise that you are not gonna tell anybody.
但你必须保证 你不会告诉任何人
Talk to papa.
快让我听听
I don't want anybody else to hear what it is.
我不想让其他任何人听到是什么
It's a really good secret.
这是个特别棒的秘密
And the present is...
礼物就是
Why would you do that?!
你为什么要这么做
My ears are still developing!
我的耳朵还在发育阶段呢
Nice try, Phil.
想得美 菲尔
That's so funny!
真好笑
Oh. Hey, honey. How are you?
亲爱的 你好吗
I'm so sorry. I have to take this.
不好意思 我得接个电话
Oh, boy.
老天
Hello, Robert...
你好 罗伯特
Not too much. How are you?
还好 你呢
There are a lot of ways you can establish status
有很多方法可以在豪尔赫这样的男人面前
over another man, like Jorge.
树立你的权威
A firm handshake...
有力的握手
displays of wealth...
展示财富
and feats of strength.
展示力量
Interesting.
真有趣
Moving that rug was the hardest thing
我需要练习踢踏舞时
in the world for you when I needed to practice tap dancing.
让你搬这块地毯就难于登天
There are also more subtle moves,
还有许多细微的招数
what I call micro-aggressions.
我称之为微型攻击
Call him by the wrong name.
叫错他的名字
Throws him off the moment he meets you.
让他一见面就处于下风
You must be Huevos!
你肯定是韦沃斯
Jay! Pleasure.
杰 幸会
Jorge de la Selva.
豪尔赫·德拉塞尔瓦
In English, it's George of the Jungle,
用英语说就是《森林泰山》的意思了
so I stick with Spanish.
所以我一直只用西语发音
Hey, who's got the great taste?
是谁品味这么好
That would be me!
是我
Nice!
有品
Uh, hello...
你好
So, you and Gloria... you used to, uh...
你和歌洛莉亚...过去...
Yep.
是的
Hey, so he was a little more handsome than you were expecting,
他的英俊程度是超出了你的预期
but pull yourself together, man.
但打起精神来 伙计
Now, fights are very common at Lily's age.
在莉莉这个年纪打架是很常见的
I mean, so many parents ask me,
有许多家长问我
"What happened to my sweet little kid,"
"我家可爱的宝贝哪去了"
and I say, "That's puberty."
我会说"这就是青春期"
Puberty. Well, Lily's a little young for that, so...
青春期 莉莉还没到那个年纪吧
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
不好意思
What is this? The inner ear?
这是什么 内耳结构吗
That is the female reproductive system.
那是女性生殖系统
Cam.
小卡
I dropped the, uh --
我弄掉了...
I want to say egg chute,
我想叫它卵道
but I know it's probably something more Latin-y.
但我知道它的学名应该会更拉丁语风一点
It can be a challenge
孩子进入青春期时
when a child enters into adolescence,
可能是个挑战
so I was thinking --
所以我想着
does Lily have any aunts
莉莉的生活中
or any other female figures in her life?
有没有姑妈或者其他女性长辈出现
Yes, why?
有 怎么了
Well, she might want to talk to a woman
她也许会想跟一个女人聊聊
about what she's going through.
她在经历的事
Okay. I see.
我懂了
So meaning, as a gay couple,
意思是作为同性恋恋人
we're not up to the task
我们无法胜任
of raising a daughter on our own.
靠自己抚养女儿的任务
- No... -? Okay.
-不是 -好吧
Mitchell, I'm stuck.
米奇尔 我卡住了
I'm just saying that Lily may be self-conscious
我只是说莉莉也许会难为情
talking to men -- even her dads --
跟男人 就算是她爸爸们
about certain female body issues.
聊一些特定的女性身体问题
Did she tell you what the fight was about?
她跟你说了为什么打架吗
Yes. Obviously.
当然说了
Yes, we are a very open family.
是啊 我们是个开明的家庭
It's not like we wouldn't just not follow up.
我们不会不跟进的
And what did she tell you?
她跟你们说了什么
Uh, that...
就是...
- A... ?- Boy...?
-一个 -男孩
- No. ?- Girl.
-不是 -女孩
A girl tried to snap Lily's --
一个女孩想扯莉莉的
- Finger! ?- Bra.
-手指 -内衣
- But Lily doesn't have a bra. ?- Exactly.
-但莉莉没穿内衣 -正是
And now she's getting teased,
现在她被嘲笑了
because unlike the other girls,
因为跟其他女孩不一样
she doesn't have a --
她没有...
Oh, just say it. A mom.
直说吧 妈妈
A bra.
内衣
Oh. ?Okay, so...
好吧
Oh, that wasn't a joke
她把内衣塞进你包里
when she stuffed that bra in your bag.
并不是开玩笑
She wants one.
她想要一件
She's just --
她只是
she was too embarrassed to ask for it.
她只是不好意思要
Oh, boy.
天啊
You don't think this is gon-- gonna come up
你觉得这事在睡衣派对上
at the slumber party, do you?
不会被提起吧
Not Christina S's slumber party?
不会是克里斯蒂娜·S的睡衣派对吧
- Yes. ?- Oh, God.
-是啊 -天啊
She single handedly sent our lunch lady back to rehab.
她的毒舌把我们的午餐大妈送回了疗养中心
I would strongly consider bringing Lily --
我会强烈推荐给莉莉带...
Thank you, we got it.
谢谢 我们知道了
Obviously you were gonna say
你显然打算说
we should bring Lily... home?
我们该带...莉莉回家
Actually, I was going to say
其实我是想说
bring Lily a training...bra.
给莉莉买件少女内衣
- Training bra! - A train set! Bra.
-少女内衣 -一套火车[少女]] 内衣
See? We all said training bra at the same time.
瞧 我们都同时说了少女内衣
Oh, wow. This crema is incredible.
这咖啡泡太棒了
The secret is Amore beans from Guatemala.
秘诀是危地马拉的阿莫尔咖啡豆
Low-acid, shade-grown,
低酸 阴地生长
individually massaged by an order of hill nuns.
每颗咖啡豆被一群山区修女给按摩过
Oh, I'm very familiar with the Amore bean.
我很熟悉阿莫尔咖啡豆
I get why you have trouble
我能很理解你为什么没法
vanquishing this guy.
打败这个人
- He's perfect. - So, Jorge, um,
-他太完美了 -豪尔赫
you were Gloria's boyfriend right before Javier?
你是歌洛莉亚在哈维尔之前的男友
Yeah, and a little during, you know?
是的 还有一小段时间重叠了
She kinda bounced around between the two of us.
她在我俩之间徘徊不定
Um, where is she anyway?
她到底在哪儿呢
I got to be at a Dodger game in an hour.
我一小时后就要去道奇队比赛了
Oh, you like sports?
你喜欢运动啊
That's fantastic!
太棒了
I tried to get this one into baseball.
我试着让他喜欢棒球
No go.
没成功
Actually, I hate baseball.
实际上我讨厌棒球
I'm here to sing the national anthem.
我是去唱国歌的
I'm an opera singer.
我是歌剧演唱家
I just finished two months at La Scala.
我刚在斯卡拉大剧院唱了两个月
The house that Toscanini built?!
托斯卡尼尼建造的剧院吗
Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt a few times.
那里被重建过几次啦
You know, a bunch of opera singers prancing around.
一群歌剧演唱家走来走去的
It, uh, takes its toll on the foundation.
给地基带来的负担也不小
- Yeah. - Hey.
-好吧 -嘿
I'm here to pick up Mom's old boombox from storage?
我是来拿仓库里妈妈的音箱喇叭的
She needs it for...
她需要...
How many Mannys do you see through these things?
你戴着这副眼镜能看见几个曼尼
That's Gloria's ex-boyfriend.
那是歌洛莉亚的前男友
Wait, how far ex?
等等 多久前的
Roughly 20 years.
大概20年前
Oh, my God.
天啊
Is -- Is it possible? What does Gloria say?
这有可能吗 歌洛莉亚怎么说
She hasn't even seen him yet.
她还没看见他
The odd bit is,
奇怪的是
these two clones don't see the resemblance.
这俩一模一样的人还没看出彼此容貌相似
Maybe she won't either? I'm not gonna force it on her.
也许她也看不出 我也不会逼她这么想的
I mean, it's no easy thing to say
这事情可不容易说
"Is there a chance you're so dumb
"你是不是有可能蠢到
you don't even know who the father of your baby is?"
不知道你孩子的爸爸是谁"
We could do a DNA test.
我们可以进行基因检测
I could do one at the lab at school.
我可以在学校实验室里做
And then you would have a definitive answer.
这样你就有确定的答案了
If it comes back negative,
如果是阴性的
mm, you don't even really have to tell Gloria.
你就没必要告诉歌洛莉亚了
Well, what do you need, saliva?
你需要什么 唾液吗
We take these two down to the Sizzler,
我们带他俩去吃自助餐
and you squeegee what you need off the salad-bar window?
你从沙拉吧的窗上搜集他俩滴下来的口水
They use hairs now!
现在都用头发了
"But we hanged Wichita Willy yesterday," said the sheriff.
"但我们昨天绞死了威奇托·威利"警长说
"Could he be back for revenge?"
"会是他回来报仇吗"
That's when they looked up
这时候他们抬起了头
and there was Wichita Willy,
看见了威奇托·威利
the noose still dangling from his neck.
绞索还在他的脖子上晃来晃去
Hey, sweetie. What you guys doing?
亲爱的 你们干什么呢
Have you heard of Twice Hung Willy?
你听说过被绞死两次的威利吗
Um, yes, I'm familiar with his films, but --
嗯 我了解他的电影 但是...
What are you doing here?
你们来干什么呢
There's something we forgot to pack for you.
我们忘记给你打包了一样东西
Can -- can I talk to you for a second?
我能和你聊聊吗
No. It's girls only.
不行 这是女生派对
Yeah, no, but you're gonna love it.
我知道 但你会喜欢的
What is it?
是什么
Oh, it's not for you, Christina.
不是给你的 克里斯蒂娜
Lily...?
莉莉
Why does your dad have a fallopian tube?
你爸爸怎么拿着个输卵管
That's what it is. ?
原来是这个名字
What's wrong with you?!
你们有什么毛病啊
Calm down, okay?
冷静点 好吗
Your father was fiddling
你大爸在玩弄
with your teacher's reproductive organ.
你老师的生殖器官
Oh, my God! Ms. Wolfe?!
天啊 沃尔夫老师
No, ju-- the model on her desk.
不 是她桌子上的模型
And then he put his finger into it,
然后他把手指伸进去
and then he couldn't --
然后他出不...
- Well, now mine's stuck! - Okay, let me...
-我出不来了 -好吧 我来
- Okay, this is tight. - Push your finger through.
-好紧啊 -你把手指穿过去
Oh, no.
Are they like this in real life? I don't think so.
真实生活中也是这样吗 我觉得不是
This is gross!
太恶心了
No. It's not gross, okay?
不 不恶心好吗
Nothing about your body is gross to us.
你身体的任何部分对我们来说都不会恶心
Yes. Not your cycles, not your fluids --
是的 你的生理周期不会 你的...
Oh my God, just stop talking forever,
天啊 别再说了
Just go!
快走吧
Oh, well, that was a disaster.
真是太糟糕了
You know, maybe it's just time we start to admit
或许是时候承认
that straight couples have strengths
异性恋伴侣
that we don't, you know?
拥有我们没有的强项
And maybe moms know more about girls than we do.
或许妈妈们比咱们更了解女儿
Is it time to start farming some of this girl stuff out?
是时候转交女孩事宜了吗
Yeah, but to who?
是啊 但交给谁呢
Claire's an over-sharer.
克莱尔和别人说的太多
Gloria -- is her body even human?
歌洛莉亚 她的身体是人类的吗
Haley knows less than Lily.
海莉比莉莉知道的还少
- So who do we go to? Alex? - ?I guess.
-那我们找谁 艾丽克斯吗 -我也认为
I mean, it'll be dull, but it'll be right.
或许会很无聊 但至少正确
Let's prank call Milo again.
咱们再给米洛打个恶作剧电话吧
You totally like him.
你喜欢他
I do not! I just want to torture him.
我才没有 我只是想折磨他
Okay -- so, see, are we supposed to hear something like that
好吧 我们听到这些
- and say nothing? - Yes, we are.
-应该什么都不说吗 -是的
- Come on. - Okay, hi.
-快走 -各位
If you want to get a boy's attention,
如果你们想要吸引男生的注意力
you know, a prank call is probably not the move.
恶作剧电话可能不是个好主意
Dad!
Cam, this is not our place.
小卡 我们不应该插手
But, he's not wrong.
但他没说错
I just like to make him mad!
我只是想让他抓狂
Yeah, well, we just thought you liked him
好吧 我们只是以为你喜欢他
and you wanted to know the best way to get his attention,
你想知道吸引他的好方法
but apparently not.
但看来不是这样
So good night.
那晚安啦
Wait!
等下
- Okay. Okay, so, who's Milo's best friend? - Barrett.
-好吧 谁是米洛最好的朋友 -巴雷特
Okay, you're gonna text Milo, "You're hilarious!
好那你给米洛发短信 "你太好玩了
Crying-laughing face, and winky face emoji."
笑哭表情加眨眼表情"
Then wait a beat.
然后过一会儿
Then you're gonna text back,
你再发一条
"Oops, sorry. That was for Barrett.
"哎呀抱歉 刚才是要发给巴雷特的
Neutral-face emoji with straight-line mouth."
嘴巴一条线的没表情脸"
Oh my God. Genius.
天啊 太高招了
Wow, I've never seen her smile.
我从没见过她笑
Dudes!
亲们
Milo just texted me back.
米洛回我短信了
Okay, what'd he say?
好 他说了什么
"You're a jerk.
"你真讨厌
Winky eye face with the tongue hanging out."
吐舌头的眨眼表情"
Oh, you're in. You're in.
你有戏了
Do not text him back, okay?
别回复他知道吗
But when you see him on Monday,
但当你周一早上见他时
walk right past him and throw him a quick...
走过他 然后给他来句
"Hey."
"嗨"
Hey. ?Yes!
嗨 没错
All right, you girls got it from here.
好了 你们继续吧
We have a dinner reservation.
我们订了餐厅吃晚餐
Hey, I saw what you put in the bag.
我看到你们装到包里的东西了
Thanks.
谢谢
You're welcome, sweetie. And we love you.
不客气亲爱的 我们爱你
Are you gonna be this cool when I like a boy?
我喜欢男孩的时候你们还会这么酷吗
Oh, no. No. No. Not a chance.
不不不 不可能
- Good, you're home. - One second.
-太好了 你回来了 -等一下
Papi, you look great in that new shirt!
宝贝 你穿这件新衬衫真是太漂亮了
- So handsome! - Gloria!
-太帅了 -歌洛莉亚
I thought you were Manny.
我以为你是曼尼
Good. You're caught up now.
很好 你现在看出来了
I know I put on a few,
我知道我有点胖了
but they don't take you seriously as an opera singer
但作为歌剧演员太瘦的话
when you're too skinny.
别人就不会把你当一回事儿
Do you know what happens when the thin lady sings?
你们知道瘦弱的女士演唱时会怎么样吗
The show just keeps going.
大家会以为之后还有
It's so wonderful to see you.
见到你真是太好了
I -- I'm gonna go and open a bottle of wine.
我要开瓶酒
Do you think that Jorge could be...?
你觉得豪尔赫可能...
Jorge mentioned you bounced around
豪尔赫提到过
between him and Javier.
你在他和哈维尔之间徘徊不定
How much bouncing did you do?
你徘徊到什么样的地步
Technically, it's possible.
严格来说 是可能的
Oh, my God.
我的老天
- How is Manny going to handle this? - Not great.
-曼尼对此会作何反应 -肯定不会好
You know he doesn't respond well to surprises.
你知道他不善于面对意外
Remember how upset he got
记得他发现那些土豆泥
when he found out those mashed potatoes
实际上是花椰菜泥时
were really just whipped cauliflower?
他有多沮丧吗
What are we going to do?
我们要怎么办
Okay, Grandpa, I got --
外公 我
Oh, Gloria, you're here.
歌洛莉亚你在这
What do you bring with you, besides that guilty look?
除了那惭愧的表情之外你还带了什么
Okay, in order to get a definitive answer,
为了得到确切的结果
I had Alex perform a DNA test.
我请艾丽克斯做了亲子鉴定
You got them both to spit?
你让他俩都吐了唾沫了吗
They use hair now. Eugh.
他们现在用头发测了
Hey, lotion's on the sink, Jorge.
豪尔赫 乳液在水池上
Hey, turns out I'm not the only one
原来我不是唯一一个
who suffers from dry naval.
皮肤容易干的人
Uh, Alex, why do you have a medical form
艾丽克斯 为什么你拿着
with my name on it?
有我名字的医疗报告
I don't think I should be the one to explain this.
我认为不该由我来解释
Manny...as you know,
曼尼 你知道
your mother and Jorge had a relationship.
你妈妈和豪尔赫在一起过
You're a lot alike,
你和他很像
and it made us curious as to whether...
所以我们好奇是不是
Uh, are -- are you saying --
你是说...
This is a DNA test.
这是亲子鉴定
Your mom didn't even find out until today.
你妈也是直到今天才发现
So -- I--
所以 我
I -- I don't even know how to react.
我根本不知道该作何反应
So my whole childhood was a lie?
所以我的整个童年就是个谎言
I thought Javier was my dad.
我以为哈维尔是我爸
Now he's just some stranger who gave me baths?
现在他不过是个给我洗澡的陌生人
Listen, buddy.
听着 孩子
It's not who brings you into the world.
谁将你带到这个世上并不重要
It's what you do when you're there.
你在这个世上做了什么才重要
You're not Javier.
你不是哈维尔
You're not this guy. You're you.
你也不是这个家伙 你就是你
And what you are is amazing.
你很棒
And for the record,
你听我说
I've been your dad since you were 10,
从你十岁起我就成为你的爸爸
and I'm gonna be your dad until I'm gone.
我至死都是你的爸爸
I love you, and I always will.
我爱你 永远都爱你
I love you too, Jay.
杰 我也爱你
Ha! April Fool's!
愚人节快乐
Now who doesn't understand a joke?!
现在是谁不懂笑话啊
What?
什么
I never dated Jorge!
我从没跟豪尔赫在一起过
He's the butcher at the grocery store!
他是超市里的屠夫啦
I just thought that he looked like Manny!
我只是觉得他长得跟曼尼很像
Why would you do that?
你为什么要这么做啊
Because you said that I didn't understand funny.
因为你们说我不懂幽默
I didn't know you were going to take the prank this far.
我之前没想到你会整到这么狠
You made Grandpa cry.
你都害外公哭了
I know!
对啊
He was like,
看他刚那样子
"I love you and I always will."
"我爱你 永远都爱你"
Okay, look, I'm out.
好了 我要走了
Uh, I used to raise veal,
我曾养与屠宰过小牛
and this has to be the cruelest thing
但你这个是我这辈子
I've ever been a part of.
参与过最残忍的事情了
Okay, almost there... almost there...
快到了 就快到了
Hang on. One second.
等等 一秒
Claire's gift involved a blindfold
克莱尔的礼物包含了眼罩
and a second location --
与第二地点
showmanship of the highest order.
这是最高境界的表演技巧
To make things worse, the clock ran out on me.
而我当时已经没时间了
My gift...
我的礼物...
I settled...
凑数选了个...
I can't even say it out loud.
我都不好意思说出来
And...
准备...
Ta-da!
请看
Oh, my God.
天啊
?Our old apartment.
我们以前住的公寓
I know.
怎么样
I was noodling around on Airbnb a couple of weeks ago
我几周前在短租网站上随便看看
and it was just right there listed.
而这里正好在招租
Unbelievable.
真是不敢相信
It's $85 for the night,
一晚只要85块
$6 for our old favorite Arizona fish sticks,
我们以前最爱的炸鱼柳条6块
which you will smell warming right now...
正在烤 你应该能闻到
...$3 for the "Forget Paris" rental.
租电影《忘情巴黎》花了3块
Aw, you even found cans of the wine we used to like.
你还找到了我们以前喜欢的瓶装红酒
You completely nailed it.
你真的选得很成功
I know. I really did!
我知道 太成功了
I did! I did!
我成功了 我成功了
And it was the first time ever.
这也是我第一次成功
And...
而且...
I really want this feeling to last.
我好希望这感觉能一直不散
Would it be weird if I asked you
如果我要求你
not to give me your gift until tomorrow?
明天再给我礼物 会不会很奇怪
- You got it. ?- Yes!
-满足你 -太棒了
In fact, I might, uh --
其实呢 我可能
I might sneak off and trade this in
我可能会偷偷跑去把这个礼物给换掉
for something really terrible
换成个很烂的东西
just to seal your victory.
让你更显大获全胜
All right.
好了
Now let's get this party started.
现在让派对正式开始吧
No. ?Mm.
不会吧
The old mixtape I made you? ?
我以前为你做的精选集吗
Oh, yeah. "Songs in the key of Phil."
没错 "菲尔之调合集"
Oh, no! ?Oh. Oh.
糟糕
Aw, no. Wait, hang on.
糟糕 等等
- It's not going back in. - You know what?
-卷不回去了 -没事啦
Sometimes it's nice to not have music.
有时候不听音乐也挺好的
Well, I'm not listening to that all night.
我才不要整晚听那个
I wonder if the old intercom system still works.
不知道当年的"对讲机系统"还好用不
Oh, yeah!
想起来了
Yeah.
没错
Give it to 'em.
狠狠地教训他们
Tell 'em how I feel.
挥洒我的情绪
Oh, my God!
天啊
It's okay! Okay. No need to be alarmed.
没事的 没事 不用紧张
Oh, no, not the fish sticks!
鱼柳条别焦了啊
Oh, oh, Phil? Open the window, and it'll stop the alarm!
菲尔 打开窗烟雾警报就会停了
- Oh, God! ?Whoa! Oh, God! - ?Oh, it's okay!
-天啊 救命 -没事的
- Phil! Phil! ?- Oh! I got you!
-菲尔 菲尔 -我来救你
- Okay. - I got you!
-好 -我来救你
Oh, God. ? oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
天啊 天啊 天啊
Oh, God. Oh, God.
天啊 天啊
Wine is flammable?!
红酒可燃吗
No! But that is!
不可 但这种可以
?Oh, God.
救命啊
Raccoons!
我了个浣熊
Oh, for God's sake, Phil, just swear like an adult.
求你了 要骂脏话就用大人用的词
No!
不是
Part of me always knew this is how I was gonna go out.
我内心的某个部分早料到我有天会这么死
In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons?
被浣熊围绕 死在红酒火灾中吗
Wait.
等等
What is that?
这是什么
Oh, my goodness.
我的天啊
Oh, yes.
太赞了
What -- what is this?
这又是什么
Oh, yes!
太厉害了
- Yeah! Get out! - You shut your mouth!
-还不快滚 -你也给老子闭嘴
Oh, yeah!
爽啊
And since the neighbors can't take a hint.
既然我们的邻居听不懂暗示
That was amazing.
这真是太屌了
My dear,
亲爱的老婆
nothing but the best for you...
送给你最好的礼物
...on our anniversary.
来纪念我们的结婚纪念日
?Now...
...where were we?
刚才说到哪了
May I have this dance?
能赏脸跳这支舞吗
Yes.
可以
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
我真是世界上最幸运的女孩
Did you get me a mop for our --
你结婚纪念日要送我拖...
Come on.
给点力啊
Honey, what happened?
亲爱的 怎么了
I spilled some milk.
我弄撒了一点牛奶
Apparently the only thing this mop can't do is mop.
结果这拖把什么都能 就是不能拖地
Well, there's no use crying over it.
为此难过也没用
Just call them and complain.
直接打给他们投诉吧
Oh, you're right.
你说得对
This is your emergency moperator.
我是您的紧急拖把专员
How can I help?
有何能为您效劳呢
The mop function on my mop isn't working.
我拖把的拖地功能坏了
I'm sorry to hear that,
我深感抱歉
I'm gonna go ahead and do you a remote reset.
我这就远端帮您重启拖把
You may notice your mop gets extremly hot.
您可能会发现拖把温度变得极高
Should I...?
我应该...
I'm kidding.
我开玩笑的
Good one moperator.
拖把专员 这个玩笑好
You should've seen his face.
真希望你能看到他刚才的表情
I did. You are an adorable couple.
我看到了 你们真是一对有爱的夫妇
- I rid of it. - I'm...
-扔了它 -我这就...