We're taking a four-week bicycle trip
through the vineyards of Italy!
We figure that this summer, our whole lives
我们认为今年夏天 海莉 迪兰
are gonna be turned upside-down
when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us,
so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?
So we've been hitting the language tapes,
the, uh -- the stationary bikes,
and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire
to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm.
I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's
talking about going to Italy,
it's actually happening.
Why do you do this to me?
Don't make me practice my slap on you again. Mm.
Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us
into a converted castle in Tuscany
- for our anniversary. - Does it have a moat?
I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes.
Looks like we're getting a refund,
which means that we can afford to --
To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge
if we answer his riddles three?
I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.
This trip was such a great idea.
Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
It's weird to think people will be calling us
- Grandpa and -- - No, please don't say it.
-和... -别说 千万别说
Don't say that word. It makes me feel so old.
But I have thought about what I want them to call me.
- Gammy. - Gammy.
Well, let's take her for a spin.
"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!"
"Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood."
"抱歉 今天不行 阿嬷心情不好"
Yeah, it does. It works. Mm. Yeah.
- Hey, roomies. - Hey -- "roomies"?
-嗨 室友们 -嗨..."室友"
What is with all the boxes and the bags?
Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come,
but then we thought about all the money we'd save.
- Yes. - You look mad.
I should've told you. I was afraid to tell you.
I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment
if you weren't happy about it.
But you're not unhappy about it, right?
- Right?! - Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
-是吧 -亲爱的 亲爱的
Oh, my gosh, you're the best. I love you so much.
我的天 你最好了 我太爱你了
Wow! What a journey.
What is my life gonna be like when I'm in the hormonal stage?
Oh, wait, there was one more thing, um...
Hey, where should I put these boxes?
My mom surprised us. We were hoping
she could stay a couple days.
Well, it's about time we officially met,
considering our DNA is already swirling around
- Claire. - Oh, hi.
- I'm Farrah. - Hi, Farrah.
-我是法拉 -你好 法拉
- You look so familiar. - Well, I meet a lot of people
with my work in the protest movement.
Oh, did you participate in the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?
- Not that I recall. - Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah
-没印象 -亲爱的 不如你带法拉
- where she will be sleeping. - Oh, no,
I just need two weight-bearing hooks
spaced seven feet apart.
This kimono converts to a hammock.
- Pronto! - Italy!
- They answered! Where's the phone? - Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
-他们回复了 我手机呢 -糟糕糟糕
- Where's the phone? - I got it, right here.
-手机去哪儿了 -找到了 这儿呢
You got it? Get it.
Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
- Let me get you some ice. - Damn it!
No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets.
Is that the way she treats all head injuries?
Because I've got a theory.
I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!
Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Lizard? I thought that you were just
going to the pet shop to look.
I can't say no to that face.
You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty,
you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple
and fuzz-stache show up.
Manny, you should also give something for the twins.
You both are gonna be uncles.
That's a very proud tradition in our family.
That's right, Joe. Our great-great Uncle Alvaro
说得没错 乔 我们的先祖阿尔瓦罗
was a famous South American freedom fighter.
You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus
was a hero at the Alamo.
We're four sentences away from realizing
they killed each other, right?
Joe, next week, you have to go
to school dressed as a hero.
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
Or Uncle Erasmus.
Ay, Jay, that's cute,
but Alvaro was not only a war hero.
He was a celebrated matador,
Frida Kahlo's tango instructor,
two-time winner of the Bogota Herald
cartoon caption contest.
No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine
Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots,
which, incidentally, were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback
he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
Did he kill all his clothes?
He sure did. Come upstairs. I'll show you.
是啊 来上楼 我给你看看
I got a ring of his with a tooth in it
he punched out of a puma.
Jay does this all the time.
He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own.
I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
I say we do a little digging.
Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga,
the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's
popular children's book.
He was always very slowly solving crimes.
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus did live in Texas in the 1830s,
but not much was written about him.
- Gretchen. - Manuel.
Again, I'm so sorry abou--
You'll have to return these within two weeks.
Unlike my phone calls!
We had to dig deeper, and since history
is written by the victors...
Mexican sources had a bit more to say
about his actual involvement in the Alamo.
- Okay. - Oh, really?
You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie
- I ever bought our daughter? - Okay, "First Gucci"
is why our retirement planner fired us as clients.
Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay?
- They really need this stuff. - I know.
I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant.
- Although... - I know you're about to say something catty.
You're practically purring.
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" on her 20s?
You know, we have a saying back home --
"The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick."
Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie.
Decide who you are.
And, by the way, it's not like your family
doesn't have a wayward streak, okay?
Pam's not exactly responsible.
Oh, I'm sorry. Could an irresponsible woman
win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" Award?
Okay, let's just admit
we have wild women on both sides of the family.
Oh, God. Maybe it's good
Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.
She sure wasn't. If anything,
I'm worried she acts a little young for her age.
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old
我是说 她都十一岁了 长大到不适合
for these unicorns and teddy bears and --
Where -- Where did she get that?
I didn't even know they still made these.
Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Okay, you're getting off track.
Our daughter is looking at naked men.
I know. We're gonna have to talk to her about it.
You know, my parents never talked to me
about anything sexual.
They just sent me to the stables
when the horses were breeding,
and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.
No way! Who told her that?
The dads have their faces on. See you at the sleepover.
So, listen, we need to talk to you about something.
We, uh -- We found a --
a magazine in your room.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Oh, God, no, not at all. You're -- You're going through
老天 一点都不丢脸 你...
a very exciting period of -- of change
- and -- and hormones. - And -- And -- And, um, urges.
Got it. Solid parenting.
- See you tomorrow. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no. - Sweetheart. Come on.
-别走 -亲爱的 坐下
I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...
You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering
or being curious about sex.
You know, the mingling of bodies
can be a beautiful expression of love.
Stop! They have classes about this in school,
and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that,
don't leave them on the sofa!
The sofa? How did --
- How did it get on the sofa? - I don't know.
I don't -- Ah, the babysitter.
Or, you know, Haley, or -- or Pam, or Claire.
又或是海莉 或者小帕 也可能是克莱尔
We were just talking about how perverted they are.
Wait a minute. This is from 1997.
And David Duchovny's on the cover.
Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny?
Why -- Wha-- I don't even know who that is.
He was on the -- you know, the cheesy sci-fi show,
the, uh -- What was it? "The X-Files" or something?
You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?
They had that saying, you know?
Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?
You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"!
Don't -- Don't you crinkle it.
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay?
He was brooding and handsome
and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Yeah, well, guess what. You wouldn't have had a chance
with David Duchovny because, look.
One of his turn-offs is "Dishonest people."
And why is it just lying around the house?
I was bringing the trash bins
into the garage the other day,
and I noticed an old box of my stuff.
I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it.
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday? - Yeah.
-等等 垃圾日 就是上周三吗 -对
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot,
took it back to the bedroom,
and had a rather spectacular... session?
- Uh, was it that night? - Oh, please,
it was the first time in years I'd seen your eyes
roll back in your head without irony.
Well, excuse me if I am attracted to you.
Except it wasn't just me, was it?
There were three of us in that bed.
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.
Apparently, I should've sent six to David Duchovny.
So what? I got a little extra worked up
after looking at a sexy picture.
People do it all the time.
Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels.
So, I guess I'm weird for wanting to purely connect
with you on an emotional level.
Know what? I'm going to the gym.
And good news, David Duchovny.
You're not gonna be alone on the sofa tonight.
Can you please hand me my iPod?
You've robbed me of my dignity.
You will not also rob me of my glorious exit.
There you go, buddy.
Now you look like a real hero.
I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school.
It's not sharp at all.
And neither, apparently, are you.
I told you if we waited a few minutes
he'd give us a delicious segue.
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett
was a hero at the Alamo...
but for the other side.
Yeah, he hid in a closet during the fighting,
then stole a dress and escaped
by pretending to be a prostitute.
What?! I don't believe you.
These are official church documents.
In this part, it says that he traded military secrets
for rum and a new corset.
"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus'
"至今 在新拉雷多 '伊拉兹马斯'
means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'"
There's a picture of him cringing.
I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus.
It was wartime, Joe!
We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell.
He spent his post-war years
spreading the gospel of vegetarianism.
Oh. This homeopathic remedy
is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness.
Uh-huh. I got the recipe from a doula
I met in an Uber pool.
Well, you were right about one thing.
It does -- It does smell like
a buffalo that was struck by lightning.
When -- When are you heading back up to Oregon?
Oh, I'm done with that place.
Oldest story in the world.
You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning,
he up and tells me he's found six new women.
Mm. I'm done with Bhagwans.
Coming back as Dylan's mother?
Buddy, are you sure you're okay?
Trust me, I'm a nurse.
By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion.
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
She used to do a little modeling.
Recently, she had her likeness stolen
for one of those "Freeze-the-Fat" Billboards.
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
The songwriting isn't perfect,
but this video changed everything.
♪ Sex kitty, se-- ♪
♪ 性感小野猫 性... ♪
Those bikes don't live there, do they?
'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot
for a birthing tub.
I wasn't aware that Haley
was considering a home birth.
Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes
to the birth-industrial complex.
You know, this room is kind of vibrating
with ancient wounds.
- Let's sage the area. - Okay.
Dylan, honey, do you think you could grab that fan
迪兰 亲爱的 你能拿个电风扇
and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little?
Is, uh -- Is Dylan's mom at all familiar to you?
Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.
I can't believe that is gonna be in our life on a regular basis.
I know. She's been driving me kind of crazy
since I was a kid.
Do you know how many nights I went to bed
screaming her name into a pillow?
- She broke it! - No, you broke it!
-她弄坏了 -不 是你弄坏了
Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you?
姑娘们 没关系 另外 你们是谁
Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month
when my ex-wife's on rotation with the National Guard.
Mm. Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay?
孩子们 小心南美栗鼠 好吗
You know he has a nervous bowel.
- Hi, girls! - Gammy!
The girls call you Gammy?
That's funny, because I was hoping
when Haley's twins came along,
they might call me that.
Oh, well, that might be confusing.
But maybe you could be something else.
- How about "Gaga"? - Maybe we don't have to lock
anything down right now.
Oh, my God. I love it!
Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Do you see it, Phil? - What?!
-你看到了吗 菲尔 -什么
No, I didn't see anything, so...
If you weren't my hero,
I'd wonder if you're doing this on purpose!
What's wrong with him, Mom?
Hey, handsome, this seat taken?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Well, I brought you a smoothie, although,
you don't need it because you're already
100% fruity deliciousness.
Maybe I just get right to it.
Look, Mitchell, I appreciate what you're doing --
Lily's at a sleepover tonight,
so I got us a suite at Whispers Resort and Spa.
Isn't that the place, uh, Jen Aniston goes to
- after her divorces? - Yes.
And I'm sorry about the silly Playgirl thing.
I-I want you to feel what I feel every day.
That you only have eyes for me.
Call me old-fashioned. I just don't see other men.
Sweetie, your-your heart rate's setting off an alarm.
Why-why don't you get off that bike?
Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what?
是啊 好主意 不如这样
Why don't we go to the spa, see if we can get an early treatment?
Hey, you're-you're really sweating.
You should get a towel.
Okay, you're acting weird.
- What's going on? - Okay, look, I just --
-到底怎么回事 -好吧 我只是
Um, I'm excited about that hotel.
I mean, there's a lot of Hollywood history there.
the Little Rascals used to have orgies there.
I almost forgot the homemade protein bars you brought for us!
Well, I'll see you next time!
Yeah! Who is that?
Wow, that's an interesting view.
What? It's a parking lot.
- There's a Dumpster. - Oh, please. Come on.
-那有个垃圾桶 -拜托 少来了
You picked this bike so you could have a front-row seat
to this little peep sho-
That night of our "Spectacular session,"
you had just come from the gym.
Well, I-I wonder what got your engine so revved up, huh?
The truth is out there!
Okay, you know what?
I'm weak, okay?
I can't believe you shamed me for looking at a magazine
when you've been baking protein bars
- for Thunder from Down Under! - Maybe that's why.
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.
Well, don't, okay?
We are allowed to look at other men
without feeling guilty about it.
And-and if it inspires you, then go for it,
because at the end of the day,
I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards.
That's true. Okay. Look, I'm sorry.
这话没错 好吧 我很抱歉
Let's just get out of here.
Maybe I should join this gym.
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.
- What's his name? - Chuck.
Oh, Joe, so adorable,
you look like a little Uncle Alvaro!
One last touch -- the pocket watch,
permanently broken at 3:30
after it stopped a bullet shot by a very drunk
and jealous Florence Nightingale.
Maybe it was sour grapes,
but this guy was starting to sound like baloney.
I was sure that if I left no stone unturned,
eventually, one day,
I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro.
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town, seducing wealthy widows
with made-up stories of his bravery in battle.
After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice,
he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing
but a single red rose
Who's up for a little history lesson?
- It seems -- - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The yoke of Spanish oppression
will chafe Colombian shoulders no longer!
My saber thirsts for European blood!
- So cute! - Bravo!
He looked it up and memorized it himself.
Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me
'cause I'm the shortest kid in the class?
Oh, don't listen to what they say!
Right! Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall
and he led a whole army!
I'm gonna be brave like him.
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle.
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.
It wasn't easy biting my tongue,
but I took a page from another heroic relative --
Lulach McPritchett --
proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English,
tortured for months using every method imaginable,
and never once giving up a single secret.
Signora, why so sad?
Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?
How did you find me?
Antonio called and said
you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca...
...and just watched it burn.
It's all just going too fast.
Haley got back together with Dylan.
Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant.
Then it's twins.
Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into
"Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins
and an incontinent chinchilla,
and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger
sashayed his way back onto Elm Street,
my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah."
How -- How are you handling this all so well?
I had to get out of there,
or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.
I hit Dylan again, Claire.
- But not on purpose. - Are we sure?
You mean, like, you might have some buried anger
towards him stealing away your baby girl?
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.
we still have Italy.
Listen, I've been doing some research on twins,
and it seems that, like our daughter, they --
they tend to come early.
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance,
I can't risk having the only maternal figure present
be that tub-birthing Wiccan.
I got to be there for Haley.
It's overwhelming for sure,
but haven't a ton of our best memories
come from the anarchy of our house?
Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister?
Or when -- when Alex's science fair project
blacked out the whole neighborhood
during the Super Bowl?
Haley snuck in Luke's window
- the same week we bought him a slingshot? - Oh, God.
So, it's a-a madhouse,
but on the other hand,
we're gonna have a couple babies in the house,
and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.
So they'll be doing funny stuff.
looks like we are going on a trip?
- Gretchen. - Manuel.
Look, I really am sorry about the way things ended --
That chapter is closed.
We have a strictly business relationship now.
Did you enjoy this book, or did you find your eyes
drifting toward a shorter Jewish one?
Okay, Shoshana and I are over.
It was beyond hurtful that you found a woman
whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.
Clearly, you're still upset
and there is no hope for reconciliation.
I'll just say good-bye
and hope you'll allow me to play myself off with our song.