Do you hear that? I can't find my phone.
I think it's coming from the fruit bowl.
I've been doing sleep magic again.
You look like you haven't slept at all.
Maybe an hour or two a night.
I've tried everything:
warm shower before bed, meditation,
reading my operating system's user agreement.
Did you try asking Alex about the struggles that are unique
to women in science?
Late last night. I think she's still going.
It's the worst possible timing.
I have a video shoot for a big listing today,
and I'm supposed to be on camera.
You know what? I'll drive.
Good luck with your interview.
Oh, you know what? I decided to pass on that.
That's an amazing job, and you were so excited.
I think I was flattered.
Like when you go to a bar and a guy sends you a drink.
I'm at the leading scientific university in the country.
Those guys can't even look their robots in the eye.
I was asked to interview for CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies,
a major player in the snack food industry.
The position opened up because it turns out
Uncle Ned liked to play fast and loose with...
his genitals at work.
Mom, you need to take that interview.
Now that they're purging male creeps
from executive positions,
strong women are finally getting their seat at the table.
Honey, I already have a seat at the table.
In fact, at the head of the table.
You mean when Grandpa's not there?
Tables have two heads.
I'm only bringing out my trademark hard truths
because I don't want you to pass up
an amazing opportunity in deference to the patriarchy.
Honey, I have a lot of amazing opportunities at my current job.
And isn't Uncle Ned's basically just stoner food?
We love Uncle Ned's!
Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine.
Maybe I'm just projecting my own frustrations
with the science world.
You know, there are only three female PhDs --
Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but I have to stay alert.
甜心 很抱歉 我得保持清醒不能犯困
Lily, sweetie, open up. We're gonna be late for school.
莉莉宝贝 开门 上学要迟到了
I'm not going! Leave me alone!
- Another meltdown. - She's locked herself in the bathroom.
Now don't you wish you'd let me build that outhouse?
W-What is going on with her?
S-She's been so moody recently,
screaming one minute, crying the next.
You know what? I think I know what this might be.
She had a volcano due in science class today,
and when I was her age and had a big project,
I'd get stressed out and act just like this.
You know, I still have nightmares about
my War of Northern Aggression diorama.
Okay. What did we say when we got married?
Never go to bed angry
and you have to call it the Civil War.
Okay, I'll go check and see how far she's gotten.
Okay, Lily, honey, come on. Come out, all right?
好 莉莉宝贝 出来吧 好吗
We can help you fix your volcano,
and -- and you'll still make it to school.
Worst comes to worst,
you'll be a little late for your first period.
Actually, she's a little early.
Lily is a menstruator now.
That's not what you call it.
Well, I'm just ashamed to admit
that we never really prepared her for it.
Hey, we tried that one time.
So, sweetie, Daddy and I were wondering if,
now that you're wearing a training bra,
if you had any other questions about your changing body.
Can we just not?
- Sounds good. - Yeah, perfect.
I thought you were gonna ask Claire
to talk to Lily about this.
Well, I was, but when I tried, Claire was in such a mood,
Okay, we can't screw this up. We cannot give her a complex.
Okay, you see if you can track down Claire.
I will go to the pharmacy
and try and conquer my fear of the feminine care aisle.
You know, it could be worse.
If she were a sheep, she'd be dealing with this every 17 days.
Promise you won't say that while I'm gone.
All right, let's try the swaddle again.
Our blankets are folded into triangles,
and voila, baby burrito.
Ugh! How did you do yours?!
I guess that summer working at Burrito Basement
was worth the E. Coli.
Dylan and I have been taking a baby care class.
It's frustrating, because even though he's missed some,
he's crushing it.
The class, not the practice doll.
Let's move on.What else do we have to get down for today?
- Burping. - Great!
A bur-bur-burp. Boom. What's next?
我拍拍拍 牛逼 还有什么
Do you remember the four other methods
in case over-the-shoulder doesn't work?
Uh, was one scare 'em?
Grandmother's burp, and the bounce burp.
Ugh. Why do I suck at this?
I know it's overwhelming, but you're gonna get there.
Oh, good. You're sitting down.
We have a problem.
I went on the company website, and somebody left off
the brushed brass upgrade on the Executive Premiere.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.
I already signed off on it.
They probably just wanted to double-check with me.
You know, I do have 30 years' experience.
Closet Time Magazine once called me
"The Neil Armstrong of the storage space race."
Okay, Dad, you work two days a week,
得了吧 爸 你一周就工作两天
and you spent the entire last staff meeting
doodling a pineapple.
How about this -- take the helm on the Berkshire line.
I discontinued that.
Yeah, but then Jeff cornered me in the men's room,
and I relaunched it.
Okay, Dad, you are putting me in an impossible position.
好吧 爸 你这样让我十分难做
I make decisions, and then you go around undermining them.
Everybody values your opinions around here, Claire.
In fact, I'd like your opinion right now.
Does this look like an igloo?
Uncle Ned's Cookies wants me to be their CEO.
What?! You're considering Uncle Ned's?!
Are you on reefer?!
That company has tremendous growth potential.
It's snacks! This is closets!
You're already at the show!
At least there, I can be the boss
and not just the boss's daughter.
Is this the part where I apologize
for handing you a company
Closet Fancy once called "Top shelf"?!
No, this is the part where I take an interview
with people who actually recognize my value!
Damn whisper slides.
Is Lily still in the bathroom?
No, I used Larry's cat box for fun.
Okay. Really? She needed all of this?
It was totally overwhelming.
I just -- I just grabbed as much as I could.
I have tampons, maxi pads, variety packs --
这里有卫生棉条 卫生巾 各种尺寸
oh, and this thing called a Diva Cup,
'cause, I don't know, sounded kind of cute.
So, what are we supposed to do?
We can't just throw these boxes in there and wish her good luck.
Is that Claire? Did you reach her?
No, she wasn't answering, so I -- I called for backup.
不是 她没有回复 所以我呼叫了后援
Thank you for including me in this special time.
I brought flowers because our Lily's blossoming!
Well, we really appreciate you helping us out.
This is when it's good to have a woman in the house.
Not that two men raising a daughter
is unnatural in any way.
Pretty sure no one was thinking that.
Sorry -- I-I panicked and sent a group text
抱歉 我慌了手脚 群发了信息
because I didn't know who would respond.
Hey. I brought Lily some pamphlets.
Understanding the biology will help make her
more comfortable with her menses.
Mensies? How is that not a gay bar for little men?
- We should-- - We're not buying another domain name.
She doesn't need pamphlets.
She needs love and support.
It's a beautiful rite of passage
that is going to connect her with women everywhere.
Let's not get poetic. It hurts like hell.
And that's why I brought all the ingredients
to make her a traditional Colombian period poultice,
and she can rub it on her belly when she gets cramps.
Or she could just take some ibuprofen.
Oh, but is that going to draw out all of her sins?
'Cause that's why women get their period in the first place.
Okay, very helpful. Two equally worthy paths.
好吧 很有用 两种方法都很有价值
Yeah, gotta say I'm leaning toward the pamphlet.
Hey, how's Lily?
Oh, great -- more voices.
- She's still locked in the bathroom. - Damn it!
I have two fetuses kicking me in the bladder,
and I really have to pee!
Okay, well, Larry's litter box is on the porch.
She's pregnant! You can't ask her to go outside
- and squat ov-- - Be right back!
You're not better than us, you know.
Why do you think you're not sleeping?
I guess I got a lot on my mind.
Bills, my one numb toe,
is Haley gonna be a terrible mom,
Back up, back up, back up.
Which toe is numb?
Left foot. The one that goes to market.
And why are you worried about Haley?
At her baby class, she did not seem ready.
I'm kind of glad Dylan had to work today.
I'm excited to see what you've learned.
Okay, everybody. Quick review before we start.
好了 大家 上课前先快速复习一下
At what age can you first give babies solid food?
- Six months. - Two years!
And when you put baby down to sleep, you place him on his...
- Back. - Mattress.
And the fontanelle is...
- Soft spot. - A hotel in Miami?
Phil. You ready to sell a house?
Yes. Yes. Let's do this.
Uh, Desmond, this is my director, Luke.
Aww. You always will be.
- Dad. - Desmond is the brains
behind the best high-end real-estate walkthrough videos.
He's helped move more houses than, um...
What's the-what's the crack that...causes all the earthquakes?
The San Andreas fault.
So, to recap our discussion,
we'll start with the camera coming down the walk.
say "Welcome to 15683 Canyon Ridge Drive,
a six-bedroom, seven-bathroom, 8,600 square-foot home
六卧 七卫 七百九十九平方米
in the prestigious 90212 ZIP code."
15683 15683 15683, 15683 --
Good. Let's try one.
- Cut. - Moving on?
No, that wasn't right at all.
Um... pretty sure it was.
You've got to do the whole thing.
Oh, yes. Yeah, of course.
Claire! Thanks for coming in.
I'm Ben. This is my brother, Evan.
Our dad's Uncle Ned.
But we just call him Dad.
We are so happy you're here.
Well, thank you so much for having me.
And can I say -- it smells amazing in here!
We are so very impressed
with what your closet company has done, fiscally speaking.
Well, to be fair, my dad is the one who built the business.
We can relate to that.
But we mean since you joined.
Many people are saying that's when it really took off.
It is so nice to be recognized.
I-I see tremendous growth potential in this company.
That is, with the right captain steering the ship,
Which is why we're prepared to offer you a big salary,
And all the cookies you can eat.
I didn't expect this to be going so fast.
Well, we're kind of on a clock.
You see, the IRS has called some of our bookkeeping...
How could that happen?
We were hoping you could tell us.
We don't know anything about business.
- Fiscally speaking? - Yeah.
That was kind of our dad's thing.
Also, making them, selling them, all that other stuff.
还有生产啊 销售啊 那些玩意
Just to be clear, what are your roles here?
We used to taste the cookies,
but now we're chairmen of the board.
As such, we are legally bound to mention
a little situation we have with the FDA.
we keep failing something called the "Hairs-per-million test."
And due to the videotaped evidence against our father,
we need a highly qualified woman such as yourself
to testify in front of Congress.
Uh...guys, this is a lot to take in.
Well, I think we know what that means.
Welcome to Uncle Ned's.
Whether you're a bachelor, a couple, or a flamily --
"flamily" -- I just said "flamily."
Wait, is it "flamily"?
Let's just take it from,
"This is modern California living at its finest."
This is modern California living at its finest.
Stop! You're doing the British accent again.
I'm not hearing it!
You'll have state-of-the-art...
I'm sorry. I got this.
Imagine life from this perspective.
That thing is gonna hit me!
And best of all, the entire house is fully automated.
You can turn on the gorgeous fountains right from your phone.
Shoot. They're not working.
Hey, I can feel my toe!
And this one is about hormonal fluctuations
that can cause radical mood swings.
One minute, you're totally fine, and then the next,
前一秒 你还好好的 下一秒
- you're just -- - Go home, nerd!
-你就... -滚回家吧 死书呆
...lashing out when someone is trying to help you.
Okay, well, thank you for helping,
and don't take it personally.
At least now we know why she called my signature cuffs
tackier than the Debbie Reynolds museum.
Y-Yes, that was definitely the hormones talking.
Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously.
When my daughter has her first Shark Week,
we're just gonna laugh about it.
That's what girls want.
I mean, it is bananas
what happens down there every month.
Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills.
Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied.
Hey, if there's somewhere you need to be --
That's right. And cheer up.
You're missing the whole silver lining in all of this.
A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card for everything.
Didn't study for a test?
"Oh, wah. I have cramps."
Don't want to go to gym class?
"Sorry -- lady problems."
Wanna eat a whole sheet cake? Shut down a bad date?
Smuggle some weed into a concert in your tampon box?
Ain't nobody looking in there.
What is wrong with you?!
That's the advice you want to give your daughter?!
I know! I'm a disaster!
How am I going to be a mother? I can't even make a swaddle!
I'm gonna raise a couple losers, just like me!
It's not your fault, you sweet dummies!
Oh, my God. You too?
I made you a Colombian poultice.
Is that what stinks? It's making me sick!
We're gonna rub it all over your belly,
and it's gonna make you feel better.
It's also not terrible on toast with a fried egg.
How many people are out there?!
Just a few supportive women.
I must've texted the wrong thread.
Allow me to talk to the Earth Goddess.
Lily? Step-Uncle Manny's here.
You've been given the ability to create life.
Each cramp, each migraine should remind you --
Get the out of here, Manny!
Take care, everybody.
Claire, get in here.
How'd the interview go?
First of all, that place smells delicious.
They made me an offer on the spot.
hobnobbing with Congressmen.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You're a terrific candidate.
Well, first of all, because I made a commitment
to everyone here and to you.
And it just... didn't feel right to leave.
That makes what I'm about to say awkward.
Oh, wha-- You're that mad at me?
No, I listened to what you said,
and you're never truly gonna be in charge
until I get out of your way.
You didn't have to do that for me.
I didn't do it just for you.
Every good closet man knows when to hang it up.
And I -- I think I'm ready for a new challenge.
Oh, Dad, not window tinting.
It's like printing money, but no, it's not for me.
做那个可好赚了 不过不是 那不适合我
Here's what I'm excited about.
Let me show you. Mm.
What am I looking at?
Oh, my God. This is the pineapple you were doodling.
Yes! I designed it myself!
So, the pharmacy tracks
how all of your medications interact, right?
Claire, every year,
people in this country spend $70 billion on their pets.
People or just you?
I got a manufacturer lined up.
I'll sell them online, keep the overhead low,
go to a bunch of dog shows -- super fun.
And if I don't lose all the money that I made
selling my share of this place,
It's kind of the end of an era, huh?
Are you sure you want to do this?
I'd have quit years ago if you weren't here.
It's gonna be weird coming to work without you.
Well, if you miss me too much,
there'll always be a position for you at Dog Beds by Stella.
Thank you, but I think maybe it is time
I prove myself on my own.
You sure? 'Cause this could be huge.
I got a million dog-bed ideas.
I got a hot-dog bun, I got a space capsule,
I got an igloo.
What about one shaped like a dog bone?
You'll get there.
Hey, how's Lily doing?
Well, I certainly didn't help. I only made it worse.
What am I gonna do when our kids need me?
You're overthinking it.
The minute you see a sweet little face that needs you,
your instincts will kick in, and you'll know what to do.
That's what everybody keeps saying,
but what if it's not true?
I haven't slept for days,
and I screwed up at work today.
Oh, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
Well, the cameraman called it "Disaster-piece Theatre,"
and everybody was like, "Good one, Craig."
And you know what? It was. It was a good one, Craig.
有毛病吗 没毛病 说到点子上了 克莱格
I had to rehire the crew
to shoot the whole thing again tomorrow.
I'm way over budget.
I'm probably gonna lose the listing --
You're just overtired.
Why don't you close your eyes?
Dylan, make some white noise.
I am going to try something.
You're getting really good at this.
All right. You just rest now.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Can I stop now? I'm gonna pass out.
We could just pick the lock and get her out of there.
And then what? She doesn't want to talk to us.
She never wants to talk to us. That hasn't stopped us before.
We're only letting it now
because we're uncomfortable, right?
Obviously, you're right.
Why else would I be devouring Gloria's poultice?
Come on. We're her dads.
We'll figure something out.
And we're sorry we embarrassed you.
We should've never included all those people into...
And just because we're boys doesn't mean we --
we can't talk you through your first...
"Sloughing off of your endometrial tissue."
Yeah, "Which typically lasts between two and...
- seven days"? - Seven?
- Oh, my God. - That's crazy.
Look, Lily, your whole life, it's been --
听我说 莉莉 你从小到大 一直都...
it's been the three of us figuring out stuff together.
Yeah, don't you remember in the -- in the second grade,
对啊 你忘了吗 在你二年级的时候
when you came home crying because Julie Kwan made fun
of your Ricky Martin "She Bangs" lunch box?
You didn't want to talk about that, but then,
when you finally did, you felt better.
Yeah, you -- you don't have to figure this out alone.
对啊 你... 你不用自己独自面对这一切
Yeah, we may not have gone through the exact same thing,
but, you know, in the seventh grade,
our bodies started changing, too.
It's not a competition.
And those changes...
they were confusing.
Yeah, they were con-- confusing and scary
exciting because, um...
you're growing up... Lily.
And we're your parents, okay?
We are gonna make mistakes,
and we are not gonna have all the answers,
but when you do want to talk about it,
we're -- we're here for you.
Uh-oh. Here comes The Great Snoozedini.
You see before you three ordinary cups.
Cups you'd find in any kitchen.
Nothing magical about them.
Here, we have one new potato.
Keep your eye on the cup with the potato.
Anybody here from out of town?
I feel bad. Should we wake him up?
Not until we find out where the potato is.
It's under that one, right?
Is the potato here?
Is the potato here?
Oh, this trick is a real...
Good night everyone.