Hey, guys! We're here!
Pool's cool, snacks in the kitchen,
I've had some rose,
so fun Mitchell is in the house.
Showing quite a bit of leg.
- This is very... ? - World-cuppy?
My adult children still sponging off me
- after nearly five decades. - Love it.
Sorry, thought I'd bend that into a joke, but it stayed real.
抱歉 原想开个玩笑 没想到道出了残酷的真相
- Hi, kids! - Hey, Grandpa.
-孩子们 -你好 外公
What's up his can?
Not easy being a white man these days.
So, I got Dad and Gloria's anniversary present.
You guys both owe me 40 bucks.
Wait. It's their anniversary?
I-I thought it was Gloria's birthday.
Oh, it can't be Gloria's birthday.
She gets mad even if you mention it.
I once asked when it was,
and she left a dismembered Bratz doll in my purse.
Then why are we here?
You know what? I'm gonna go check what the cake says.
Oh, I'll have a glass of "Cake," Too.
Quick, before she comes back, I need some relationship advice,
and this is kind of in a gray area ethically.
Oh, and it's okay to ask us
because, as gays, we wouldn't dare judge anyone
while living such a deviant lifestyle?
Even the most beautiful version of our love is a mortal stain
compared to the worst thing you could do?
Maybe I should talk to somebody else.
- No, tell us! - No! Spill, girl, spill!
-别 告诉我们 -别啊 快说
Okay, so just between us,
you know I'm with Arvin and he's working in Switzerland.
Well, I did something bad.
Whoa, Dylan's still around?
I-I thought he joined a cult or something.
I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke and exploded.
I don't know why I did it. It meant nothing,
but I feel horrible, and Arvin keeps calling,
but I'm not picking up because, like --
Do I have to tell him?
Uh, uh, honey, these things happen in every relationship.
You absolutely do not need to tell your partner everything.
Okay, well, that's a fun thing to hear your husband say.
Oh, please, do not turn this into something.
Well, I was going to say, yes, you need to tell Arvin
我本来想说的是 没错 你应该告诉阿尔文
because you want your relationship based on truth,
which, apparently, mine is not.
Ugh, this sucks! I don't know what to do.
I was counting on you two to be on the same page.
- Well, we usually are. - When have you ever seen that?
What are you hens cackling about?
Oh, just asking how they are.
Gonna jump in the pool.
Haley doesn't care how people are.
- What's going on? - It's nothing.
She was just asking for some advice.
Why wouldn't she come to me?
I thought we were finally becoming friends.
Well, you know, think about it, Claire.
All the secrets that you kept from your mom.
was an uptight, crazy person.
Let's just slowly back away as that settles in.
Ready for the best thing to happen to your mouth since --
I'm gonna bail on that.
I took off without a place to land.
- How about a Mint "Jay-lep"? - I'll pass,
seeing as I'm not a hundred-year-old Southern lady.
I finally saw the movie "Mean Girls."
I know. I'm a middle-aged man.
How'd I wait so long?
The point is, I realized I have a mean girl in my life --
Like last week at this wedding,
I'm rocking my moonwalk, and Jay yells,
"Hey, look, it's Michael Jerkson."
How do you get a mean girl to stop being a mean girl?
No, no, no, no, you're gonna love it.
不 不 不 不 你会喜欢的
Mint Jay-leps are all the rage.
Oh, you keep saying "Jay-leps."
Yeah, well I made juleps, and -- and -- and my name's Jay,
so I call them "Jay-leps."
It's just a fun thing.
Ooh, are these the Mint Jay-leps we've been hearing about?
- Yeah. - Oh, Jay-leps.
- Adorbs. - They are adorbs.
Why do I doubt myself?
How was the road trip?
Uh, what can I say? Six weeks, 33 states,
怎么说呢 为期六周 跨越33个州
a lot of fake scrotums on the back of pickup trucks.
And he met a very nice girlfriend,
and he's in love.
I-I went old-school and used a film camera,
and the one roll I took of her fell into the Grand Canyon.
You don't have a single photo of her?
Uh, well, just this blurry one on my phone.
You can't really make her out,
but it captures her wild spirit.
- Is it me, or is Manny dating Bigfoot? - Yeah.
Let me tell you the difference
between Manny's girlfriend and Bigfoot.
Bigfoot could be real.
She's not a fake girlfriend.
You want to hear the kicker?
She's from Canada.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yikes.
- Oh, stop it! - Back me up, boys.
-别这样 -孩子们 支持我
You know what, Gloria?
Canada is good for a lot of things,
but their number-one export is fake girlfriends.
Yeah, it's kind of a thing.
Uh, before Cam and I came out, we each had Canadian girlfriends.
So, what are you saying now? That Manny's gay?
We weren't, but he does check a few of the boxes.
Come on. Look at him.
He's as straight as the swim from Cartagena to Houston.
The trip was amazing, and I did the cheekiest thing.
I saw "Oklahoma!" In Oklahoma,
"Chicago" In Chicago, and then,
I got in a little trouble in River City.
Okay, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard,
and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood.
He's had so many girlfriends.
The last one was a woman in her 20s.
Yeah, but didn't you say he was so sweet when she stayed over
he offered to sleep on the couch?
My first boyfriend at his age,
he wasn't ready to sleep with me.
And what does he do now?
He runs a very nice bed and breakfast.
- With...? - With...?
His good friend Steven!
I-I really feel for Manny if he's wrestling with this secret.
Yet you had no problem keeping an indiscretion from me for 16 years.
- And off we go. - Yeah.
Just like the shorts of that beefy UPS driver
that delivered you two packages that day.
Wow, that is not what happened!
So, you admit something happened!
Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything
'cause it is so much tamer than what's in your head.
- Okay. - Six weeks into our relationship,
before we decided we were exclusive,
I kissed someone in a bar.
- See, it's not a big deal. - Okay, yes, it is a big deal,
which is why I rejected a very similar advance at the same time
正因此 同一时期 我才会拒绝了
from a celebrity,
but I'm not gonna tell you who that is,
because I don't want you to feel insecure.
Cam, we both know you're seconds away
- from telling me -- - It was Isaac Mizrahi!
Yeah, that's right.
Cindy Crawford's friend!
We haven't had a chance to talk about anything since you got back.
So, tell me about this new Canadian girlfriend.
Well, she's brilliant, but humble, beautiful, but accessible,
one of the funniest people I've ever met,
but, also, deeply serious.
Ah, such lovely, general terms.
She sounds a little bit too good to be true.
It's Sherry Shaker.
Those are the two things that are in front of you at this bar.
Manny... is there anything that you need to tell me?
Maybe some kind of... sexual thing?
I really don't want to talk about this.
Okay, papi, but you know I love you
好吧 宝贝 但是你知道我爱你
and that you can be honest with me about anything, right?
In that case... This is a lot.
既然这样 那我直说了 这太暴露了
I'm pretty desensitized to it,
but I saw Luke walk into a wall.
What are you guys laughing at?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
You said something funny, didn't you?
The guy's a joke machine!
- Oh, someone's sitting there. - Who?
Someone who doesn't ask a million questions.
Grandpa, you can sit with us.
It was working, but it was killing me.
I've actually had dreams where the only thing happening
was me sitting with Jay while he, you know,
tousles my hair, calling me "sport."
Always proud to celebrate one of your awards.
I didn't win an award.
Well, then, what are we all doing here?
- Don't you just golf now? - I work when it's raining.
Why am I defending myself to you?
And why is your father mad at me?
- Did I do something? - Probably.
Isn't that your relationship?
He's always desperate for your approval and you shoot him down?
It's supposed to be, but all of a sudden, he's, like...
Wouldn't let me sit with him.
Ugh, so high school.
Dad and I watched "Mean Girls" the other night,
and I chewed off a piece of my hair reliving how awful it was.
In the movie, the heroine takes down the head mean girl
by being mean to her.
Maybe that's what Dad is doing to you?
Phil thinks he can "Mean Girls" me?
How lame is that? Let me tell you something --
I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win.
Just like "Legally Blonde"!
Oh, you're not looking at your phone.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
-你没事吧 -当然 我没事
You know, if something was on your mind,
I'm an excellent person to confide in.
God knows I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.
I mean, no judgment here -- I do it, too.
Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it.
I only take things from companies that use child labor.
That is how my generation is saving the world.
Haley, I did not raise you to steal.
You just said you do it, too!
I made that up so you would tell me
- what's going on in your life! - Why would I?
Stuff a couple Pakistani lipsticks in my purse,
and you freak out at me!
Well, well, well, if it isn't John, Paul, and George.
瞧瞧啊 这不是约翰 保罗和乔治嘛
Anyone need a Ringo?
Actually, we can get by
without a little help from you, friend.
Pool's so over, anyways.
Maybe, uh, the guys want to hit the H2O,
rock some Marco Polo.
Good for you not letting that chest
get in the way of having fun.
Most guys wouldn't go shirtless
until they got a little...
- We need to talk. - Wait. Something weird is happening.
-我们要谈一谈 -等等 气氛有点诡异
I want to see how it plays out.
Who's ready to hit the pool?
Okay, I know emotional slights usually roll off me
- like water off a mule's back -- - Isn't it "Duck"?
Uh, a lot of animals bead, Mitchell.
The point is I need to know details.
I need to know what happened...
Was it with Pepper?
Did you get a peck from a pickled Pepper?
How long have you been sitting on that?
You kissed a man six week--
You kissed a man six weeks into our relationship
when I'm telling you "I love you."
I'm calling my mom, telling her I'd met the one
while you're sidled up next to some cha-cha queen at a urinal.
Okay, this insane reaction is proof
that I did the right thing not telling you.
Okay, everyone knows this kind of secret
is poison, Mitchell.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Let's take it to the room.
Hey, you all heard that whole conversation, right?
- Of course, yeah. - Sí. - Yeah.
-当然 -是的 -听到了
So, Phil, if Claire kissed someone
very early into the relationship,
should she have told you?
- Of course. - No way.
What? Did you kiss someone?
Tearing them apart.
Mitch and Cam, I just want you to know
that I support your lifestyle,
and I find it very charming
when your people act very emotional and inappropriate in public.
Okay, so I'm getting no help from this room.
I'm sorry, but kissing someone outside of a relationship
is a big deal and you should fess up right away.
Yes! Yes, they told us everything,
and I can't believe you did that!
Well, I'm sorry, but Dylan was a huge part of my life --
You kissed Dylan?! That's your secret?
What are you doing?
You are dating a world-renowned scientist.
I mean, isn't Dylan still married
and still an idiot?
Hey, he is not still married.
And he's getting his life together.
He's in nursing school.
Good for him. I love Dylan.
Honey, she's dating Arvin.
We love Arvin now.
And wouldn't it be wonderful
if someone called Dylan loved someone called Arvin?
No one in this room would have a problem with it.
Am I wrong, or is your mom trying to get
Alex to come out of the closet?
Oh, God, it's Arvin calling.
Quick, a show of hands, who thinks I have to tell him?
One, two, three, four.
Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?!
Yay, I'm so happy I finally reached you!
How's work? Any major breakthroughs?
Oh, well, I-I made a German laugh.
Oh, I miss you terribly.
Uh, listen, um, we have to talk.
I love you, and this is really hard for me to say,
I did something stupid.
I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, I swear,
and I'm hoping you'll forgive me,
and we can forget this ever happened.
Sorry, love, you froze up.
不好意思 亲爱的 你那边卡住了
I-I-I missed the -- the whole thing.
Oh, that sucks. Um...
This is really hard for me, but I did something stupid.
I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, and I --
我亲了我的前男友 这并不代表什么 我...
Sorry, froze up again
in the funniest position.
You look like you'd smelled something dreadful.
- Have another go. - Okay.
I messed up, and I kiss--
I kissed my ex-boyfriend!
Damn it, stop freezing!
Very hurt, actually.
It meant nothing. Can --
Can we please move past this?
Um, we said that we loved each other.
What I want to do is hang up on you right now.
Well, I told him, and it couldn't have gone worse.
- Oh, no. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- He broke up with you. - Not yet.
He just hung up on me.
Oh, come here, honey.
I'm -- I'm so sorry, and I know why you didn't come to me.
我 我很遗憾 我理解你为什么不来找我了
I haven't always been Dylan's biggest fan.
You pushed him into a beehive.
You know, to be fair, I pushed him off of you,
and he fell into the beehive,
but, regardless, I want to be supportive.
但是 不管怎么说 我想支持你
No judgment. I promise. I promise.
绝对不评判 我保证 我保证
I can't believe how stupid I was.
I let Dylan get in my head,
and now I might have ruined everything with Arvin.
what we're learning is that
sometimes it is better to keep the secret.
You can't be proud of that.
Look, honey, sometimes these things happen.
They happened with them,
but that turned out to be a good thing.
I'm sorry. In what way?
Because after Mitchell kissed the guy in the bar,
he called me crying,
He said the second he did it,
he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Cam.
Mitchell, is that true? Why didn't you say that?
米奇尔 真的吗 你为什么不早说呢
Because we've been together for 15 years, Cam.
I got defensive. I'm sorry.
You know, I freaked out,
and I made this whole day about myself.
And you're right -- I can be self-centered and emotional.
你是对的 我有时以自我为中心 又很情绪化
I guess it's, you know,
because of all that time my daddy spent with his pigs.
- Cam. Please. It's time. - Mm-hmm.
-小卡 拜托 该闭嘴了 -嗯
Haley, you're not a bad person.
Maybe this kiss taught you something you needed to know,
just like it did with Uncle Mitch.
If that's the case,
you need to fight for the man you love
and shut it down with the one you don't.
- You're right. - Mm-hmm.
- I have to go see Dylan. - Okay.
Be strong. Don't let him manipulate you.
- He can be a very em-- - She's good.
Ah, so happy that you came out.
What's going on with you?
Where did you get that raft?
It was in a gift bag from a very moving Pride benefit
that I went to with Mitch and Cam.
If you want to know if I'm gay, just ask me.
No, I don't want to be pushy.
I like women, Mom!
Why on earth would you think I'm gay?
In fairness, you do check a lot of the boxes.
I only thought it because Jay said
that the Canadian girlfriends are fake
and that Mitch and Cam had them.
You think my girlfriend is fake?
Well, you didn't have any pictures,
and at the bar, you said that her name
was something like Olive Cocktail-napkin.
It's Sherry Shaker!
but when I asked you if you were hiding something from me,
you got all defensive, and you boob-shamed me.
Because something did happen.
We crossed that beauteous threshold
into the physical expression of love.
Have you ever heard a straight guy describe sex that way?
That's what he meant?
Why does that feel worse to me?
Hey, Alex. You're the last virgin.
Please, I'm dating a fireman.
I'm having hotter sex than...
What are you doing?
I realized he was "Mean Girls-ing" Me back
with a weird nod to "Legally Blonde,"
which I'll bet he thinks I didn't notice.
I had to change tactics.
I had to stop acting like a mean girl
and do the last thing Jay would ever expect me to do --
What the hell are you doing?!
Oh, yeah, well, everybody's hungry,
and the prevailing opinion is that
I'm a better griller than you.
- No. - Wow. You must think you're pretty tough.
-完了 -哇 你自以为是硬汉对吧
- Not as tough as your meat. - Claire!
Yes, good, everybody get out here!
没错 很好 所有人都出来
What? What's going on?
It's Phil! Phil is grilling!
This bozo just told me
that you think I overcook your meat.
Dad, we love you, but...
爸 我们爱你 不过
you don't know what medium-rare is.
I've-I've given you a meat thermometer
for three Father's Days in a row.
For the love of God, just use one!
Fine. See if I care.
But I don't know what you have against me today --
kicking a man off his own grill,
making fun of my Mint Jay-leps.
You made fun of his Mint Jay-leps?
He did them for you.
- What? - I don't know what she's talking about.
The minute Jay created the Jay-leps,
all he could keep saying was,
"Phil's gonna get such a kick out of this."
But he didn't! He said it was dumb!
He said it was an old lady's drink!
Since when do you care what I think?
He thinks that you're the life of the party.
He wants to be more like you.
All I've said is that sometimes
I envy people who don't mind being an ass
because they're having fun,
you're one of those people.
Wow, so all this time, you've been mean to me
because you admire me so much?
I loved those Mint Jay-leps.
- You did? - Yeah.
Did you hear that, Gloria? He did.
你听见了吗 歌洛莉亚 他喜欢
I only trashed them because of what you called me
when I was dancing at the wedding.
What? Flail Dunphy?
When you dropped your drink -- Spill Bumbly?
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.
Oh, don't-don't worry about it.
What are we doing?
Did you just call me "Sport"?
I had a feeling it was gonna be you.
You buzzed me in the gate.
- Do you have a minute? - Sure, my roommates and I
-你有时间吗 -当然 我和室友
are just studying for physiology midterms.
- Oh, she cute. - Thanks, girl.
-她真可爱 -谢了 妹子
That hair is on point.
I bought it yesterday.
Can we talk out here?
Listen, I need you to know that
that kiss never should have happened.
Arvin and I are together, and you and I are friends,
and that's all we're ever going to be.
"No, thank you"? I didn't ask you a question.
"不了 谢谢" 我又没问你想怎样
Well, let me ask you one.
It's been 10 years, and I can't move on from you.
Also not a question.
Remember the day we met?
I was walking through the halls,
and I saw the most beautiful girl,
and I was like, "Whoa! Who is that?"
And you were like, "That's Rebecca Salkin."
And then I turned and saw you for the first time,
and I was done with Rebecca Salkin.
Yeah, you were wearing that cool, beat-up Army jacket,
and I was completely jealous of your eyelashes.
I fell in love with you that day, and I've never stopped.
I'm gonna keep making myself better until I deserve you.
Why is it so hard to be honest in relationships?
We keep secrets...
I don't remember crying to you about that kiss.
The truth wasn't moving the needle.
when all we want to do is connect.
Everyone, listen up!
I'm Manny's real Canadian girlfriend.
This isn't the first time I've had to do this.
I guess we have to start with being honest with ourselves.
And if I'm being honest...
I love two people.
Can we go? Are we waiting for cake, or...?
- Is it a birthday? - Should I make a toast?
- To what? - To whom?
All right! It's come to my attention through series of assumptions,
old e-mails and lazy sheep-like thingking,
that we may have gathered for no reason.
So, it's not my welcome home party?
- Of course it... - No!
Your mother thought Alex won a award,
she didn't, and the dry spell continues.
Please, the last thing I'm having is a dry sp-
There's too many actual reasons for us to see each other,
we cannot afford to hang out by mistake.
I love you all, now go home.
- Alright, great. - Alright, let's go.