Is it already the first day of livestock auction season again?
It's the same day every year, Mitchell --
a fortnight after the first ripe tomato comes in.
This is what passes for auction-calling these days?
Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?
You know, when you've been at the top of your field --
Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ
three years running --
it's hard to see anything but the inadequacies.
It's why Baryshnikov couldn't watch others dance.
What? He was the Artistic Director of --
How long have you lived in this house?!
It's gonna wind up being some pig named Baryshnikov
or some damn thing.
So, how was your trumpet lesson?
It was amazing. Yeah.
Oh, these sessions just have really changed my life.
Technically, uh, not a lie.
Uh, I started taking trumpet lessons two years ago.
But then I noticed the place next door
was offering massages for the same price, so...
And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was...
我很内疚 自己去放松 而小卡...
But -- But we were both spending time
with an Asian woman who walked all over us.
You always smell like lavender
when you come back from that place.
Uh, yeah, it's the -- it's the valve oil
for the, um -- you know,
the t-- the tooting buttons.
We should probably, uh, hit the road soon.
High school graduation's in an hour.
being the Vice Principal at these things.
It's just a ceremonial position
where you have to sit behind Principal Brown,
while he gets to set the course of history.
Well, it could be fun with my dad giving
the commencement address, though.
I got a peek at his note cards,
and I don't want to give anything away,
but the young kid who boarded the bus
with the hair full of Brylcreem
and a cardboard suitcase full of dreams --
Oh, I have to take this. It's Superintendent Pierce.
Hello, good sir. To what do I owe this honor?
您好 先生 真荣幸 请问有什么事
Principal Brown got into a car accident!
W-Which means, as next in the line of succession,
I get to preside over today's graduation.
You know, this is why senior administration officials
never travel together.
Your glee at another man's misfortune should trouble me,
but there's also something sort of sexy about it.
Well, power is an aphrodisiac.
Maybe later you could be the principal
and I could be the student who's a few credits short.
who needs to be taught right from wrong.
'Cause I grew up in a broken home,
where social workers and constant fights about money
Okay, well, now I'm just sad.
Can we switch seats?
I'm right under a vent.
This is not good for my instrument.
Oh, so nice that you're taking this speech so seriously.
When you did Mitch and Cam's wedding toast,
you had your mouth full of cashews.
Hey, pay attention to your brother.
You got him into karate.
I just showed him a few "Pink Panther" movies.
I-I-I don't want to play
this Inspector Clouseau and Cato game anymore.
It's not that I'm scared.
It's just, I-I'm a little busy --
He's a little psycho.
Which we must never show him, by the way.
And sorry if I'm distracted.
It's cut day at CalArts.
Half of the class isn't being asked back.
Manny, my mother's intuition
tells me that you have nothing to worry about.
It's just so cruel.
I'm halfway to a playwriting degree
and a minor in mask-making
and they're just gonna throw me out on the street
with no way to support myself?
As a wise man will say in about two hours --
"Be grateful for the rocks life rolls in your path,
for one day, you'll see them as stepping stones."
I had that in my "maybe" pile.
Trust yourself, Jay.
Oh, God. It's an e-mail from school.
I don't think I can read this in front of people.
Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron?
I knew you could do it, Joe!
My mother's intuition told me
that you had nothing to worry about.
And if she bribed Sensei Ron, who else did she bribe?
Did I even deserve this?
Do you remember when grocery shopping was boring?
As a parent, you don't get
a lot of good, clean, guilt-free victories.
美妙 磊落 没愧疚感的胜利
That's why it's hard not to feel
pretty damn good about ourselves today.
Because this afternoon,
we are going to watch our daughter Alex graduate...
...from the world-renowned Caltech.
♪ When the Caltech Beavers face you at sports ♪
♪ 当你对阵加州理工海狸队时 ♪
♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪
♪ 准备好让出手里的球吧 ♪
Their best minds weren't focused on the fight song.
I just can't stop smiling
at this picture of Alex in her cap and gown.
It's so surreal that one of our kids
could do something so amazing.
I love you both.
So, you two, grab champagne and flowers for Alex.
We'll, uh -- We'll get some cigars to give to Jay.
It's Skip Woosnam. Have you seen him since he fired you?
Once, at a listing.
I tried to pretend I was a 3D cutout of myself
to avoid talking to him.
But you know what? Today I want to talk to him.
I think I'll let ol' Skip know
I have a daughter graduating from Caltech.
No, honey, we are not the kind of parents
不 亲爱的 我们不是那种
who make ourselves look good by bragging about our kids.
Then why did we even have them, Claire?
Are we really not gonna crow about it
when one of our kids finally does something we can be proud of?
I love you both very much.
I'm comfortable being the hot one.
Another record month?
You're the greatest butler on Earth.
- Phil? - Skip!
You son of a gun. How the hell are you?
Great, great. Business is better than ever.
很好 很好 生意比以往更红火
Did you, uh, finally get real cutouts?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mine are so realistic and 3D,
you must have been laughing at one of them like an idiot.
How crazy is it we ran into each other shopping, huh?
Say, how are your kids?
June just, uh, took a job at the Container Store.
Impressive. I have a kid
that's interested in space, as well. Yeah.
Considering a job at, uh -- at NASA, actually.
Yeah, he, uh, looks like he's got the right stuff.
No, I -- it's -- I was talking about my daughter.
Oh. Hey, Dad. Dad, guess what.
The twins started kicking the second I picked up booze.
They're my kids, right?
My other daughter.
Okay, I'm doing a little thing about
following your dreams in mine.
Do you have anything like that in yours?
I say "Follow your passions."
Okay, yeah. That's different enough.
Something fishy's going on over here.
I'm gonna go shake some trees, see what falls.
Looking lovely today, Vice Principal Tucker.
Cut the choirboy act, Pitkowski.
Oh, you don't like the way I'm talking to you?
Well, who are you gonna complain to?
Because I'm the acting principal,
clothed in immense power!
Wait, what is -- Nope!
等等 这是什么 休想
"Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?!
What the hell is this?
The year was 1972.
I landed a whale --
every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship.
To make the numbers work,
I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap.
I ended up cutting down a forest
that happened to be the last habitat of the Golden Speckled Owl.
You know, nobody talks about all the mice I saved.
Are you all planning some sort of protest?
Well, that ain't happening on my watch.
Now go take your seats!
What the hell is this picture? I never strangled an owl!
Is it too much for Dylan to let me know where he is?
My water could literally break any minute.
Am I okay sitting here,
or am I in a SeaWorld splash zone situation?
Claire, your old high school nemesis Ashley Walls,
did she have a daughter?
Uh, I don't think so. Why?
Well, that woman over there
looks just like Ashley, but it can't be.
She looks half your... beauty.
She outdid me at everything.
Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain,
and the summer before we went away to college,
she beat me out for an internship at Pritchett's closets.
- Yes! how are you? - Good.
-是我 你好吗 -很好
Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.
So, what have you been up to, Ashley?
Uh, well, I'm a personal injury lawyer.
I have a buddy that makes bank from that.
He's not a lawyer.
He just tries to get nice cars to hit him.
Yeah, he's just kidding.
No, I'm not, Mom.
- In fact, I've ac-- - Here, have a candy.
-事实上 我 -给 吃块糖
I just ran into my old health teacher,
and she said she always expected
to see me pregnant at graduation.
Oh, thanks. Twins.
Sorry, I'd be a lot happier about it
if I could track their father down.
Oh, look -- it's your brother, Mitch.
Now, he was always a little uptight, wasn't he?
Well, he was in high school, but now he's just the most --
Okay, you have one job today, young lady,
听好 你今天只有一个任务 小姑娘
okay, to be supportive.
If your dad makes a joke, you will laugh.
If he makes a speech, you will what? Applaud.
Right. I-I-I'm gonna go find my seat.
But it was great catching up with you, Claire.
No one would blame you if you mentioned you had a daughter
graduating from Caltech today.
Honey, the moment has passed.
I'd need a pretty good reason to just go waltzing over there --
- She dropped her program! - Yes!
Hey, Claire, you know how you're my go-to gal --
- Busy. - Hey, Phil.
You know how you're my go-to guy on stuff?
I suppose against all odds, we've become best friends.
So, apparently, some of the students are angry
that I'm giving the commencement address.
Who knows why their sick minds do anything?
Gotta say though, it feels good to be hating hippies again.
Anyway, would you mind giving this place a sweep?
See if you notice something suspicious.
Hey. What do you got there?
You kids got something under those robes you want to show me?
Manny, you passed the cuts,
so why aren't you in a better mood?
You bribed my dean to get me past the cut, didn't you?
I would never do something like that.
If Lisa Wagner pulled out that performance,
maybe she wouldn't be driving back to her parents' house
with a trunk full of handmade puppets
and a suddenly very uncertain future.
I didn't bribe anyone.
I don't know why you're talking such crazy things.
Because I saw you bribe Sensei Ron.
You bribed Sensei Ron?!
So this is just a lie?!
Who the hell even am I?!
Nice try, kemosabes.
Ash. I think you left your program.
Wow, it's wild to think
where all these kids are gonna end up, right?
光明的前途 真是感慨万千啊 是吧
I mean, there's so many great schools.
Our daughter joined ISIS.
The government said she's not an American anymore.
There's a van always parked in front of our house.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry --
Did Claire tell you our daughter's a genius?
...and so, graduates, look to your left
那么接下来 毕业生们 看看你们的左边
It's a simple key chain with a tiny cowboy hat charm on it.
If you see it, please pass it forward.
All right, and now on to our commencement speaker.
He is a pillar of the community,
an entrepreneur and closeteer -- Mr. Jay Pritchett.
企业家 行业巨头 杰·普里契特先生
"C" for "Courage,"
"O" for "Opportunity,"
Disaster had struck.
No one chooses to be a wartime principal.
But we're the ones history remembers.
Pick one, they all said --
closets or blinds.
Mitchell, he's tanking my graduation.
I'm cutting him off and moving right to the in-memoriam section.
Well, that would be less depressing.
Yeah, the problem is, the band just walked out in solidarity.
- Here. - W-What?
Mitchell, you can't have an in memoriam without music.
That's just a bummer.
Hoot all you want, but that Brylcreem kid was me!
Yes, hi, thank you.
Thank you, Jay Pritchett, everyone!
谢谢你 杰·普里契特 大家鼓掌
Wow, I don't know about you, but I feel like
getting out there and taking on the world, huh?
And now, let's remember
those Dolphins we lost this year.
Mitchell, play something. Play anything.
米奇尔 快吹起来 什么都行
Something with the most gravitas.
You know, for a person who last touched a trumpet two years ago,
I think I sounded pretty good.
I'm done. I'm done.
That is a lot of deceased for one year.
We should probably have the police check into that.
And now, before, uh, passing out diplomas,
I would like to make sort of a --
a personal gesture to this graduating class.
As these balloons fill the sky, know that each one of them
represents a student who has personally inspired me
and filled me with hope for a better tomorrow.
Protesters hacked into our sprinkler system.
It's set to go off in five minutes.
We have to postpone the graduation.
And miss my chance of becoming principal?
Well, no one can read 400 names in five minutes.
All that training, all those parties missed,
all those auctions attended
were for this moment right here, right now.
Students, hi! When you hear your name,
同学们 你们好 当你们听到你们名字的时候
please proceed to the stage and grab your diploma.
Nelly Abrishami, Allison Acosta,
Frieda Alafary, Scott "The Skunk" Albanese,
Jessica Alenick, Richard Thompson Allen,
Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone,
Darla Arleto, Daniel Dey Aronson...
I was gonna make it!
I hit the Polish names.
OK, all right, all right
Okay, if we steer clear of Dad and Cam, we've got a chance
of blending into the mob when they turn violent.
What the hell is this?
Okay, well, apparently, when those owls
是这样的 显然 为猫头鹰抗议的人
hacked into the sprinkler system, it was school-wide.
They're not letting anyone into the parking structure.
I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have to miss
the second graduation of the day.
Me cruising by with an Uber fare right when you called.
- So lucky. Very lucky. - Very good.
Well, this is you, Gerald.
Let's have today be the day
you stop playing for your dad
and start playing for Gerald.
That -- That kind of reminds me --
I'm sorry I lied about the trumpet lessons.
Oh, please. Not the worst part of my day.
I'm realizing now that Principal Brown set me up to fail.
There was no car crash,
just like there was no moon landing.
- Cam - Flags can't wave in space, Mitchell.
-小卡 -太空里旗帜是不会飘扬的 米奇尔
Hey, hey, hey, I was humiliated much worse than you.
A lifetime of service out the window.
You think I don't see the faces of owls
every night I close my eyes?
At least you've accomplished something they can tear down.
You see what you did to your brother?
Look at those sad, hurt eyes.
Like a sad little owl.
Well, maybe if you believed in your sons
instead of giving everyone Colombian handshakes.
I've never sanded down a man's fingers
in front of his family!
Oh, you mean the bribes?
You can't deny it anymore.
Look at this photo on my dean's Instagram.
He's wearing the same watch you gave Sensei Ron.
The superintendent was wearing that same watch.
I-I noticed it when he shook my hand at the end of the ceremony
and said I was a "Horrifying disgrace."
Is that how I got my speech?
I'm sure you would have gotten all these things on your own,
but the world sometimes is very unfair!
And the watches are like an insurance.
Why do you even have so many?
Sometimes I do a little bit of Ambien shopping
and I buy too much of one thing.
Didn't you all wonder
when you got the same fun socks for Christmas?
- Oh, samesies. - I'll be damned!
- I don't have those. - They're fun!
I'm sorry, okay?
But I love you guys so much
to leave your dreams to chance.
I suppose where you grew up,
bending the rules was just a part of life.
It's what you had to do to get by.
Why wouldn't you do that to help the people you love?
You're not welcome. That's not how I feel.
I-It's a speech from a play I was in.
Right after that line,
I light up a cigarette and put my clothes back on.
Yeah, I'm good, but...
now I'll never know if that's why I made the cut.
Okay, stop. Look.
好了 别这样 听我说
We've all had a terrible day today --
Tons of great fares, amazing yoga class --
I-I was building to something, buddy.
But that's one of the great things about being in a family.
We get to share in each other's victories.
And Alex has a huge victory today
that can make us all feel better.
turn around this crap day with a nice, feel-good --
Hey, is that Alex?
Oh, my God. Pull over!
Alex! Honey, what happened? Are you okay?
艾丽克斯 亲爱的 怎么了 你还好吗
Not that time is anything but a flat circle.
So...we were done with classes, done with finals,
and, like college seniors since the beginning of time,
we decided to get a little nuts.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
查格[干杯] 查格 查格 查格 查格
Our classmate Ashish Chug...
...hacked his key card to get us access
to the restricted section of the library.
We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem.
Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals 1.
This rendered mathematics meaningless
and drove him insane.
According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone
who reads and understands the proof.
If mathematics doesn't matter,
then no one can be certain of anything,
and I've just wasted the last four --
no, 16 years of my life,
and there's no point in me graduating!
Okay, I can tell that you're very upset,
and you're probably really overtired from finals.
But you are gonna regret it if you don't go to graduation.
Look, I promise -- whatever is bothering you,
figure it out after the ceremony --
- After?! - Yes.
"After" implies "before"!
But if one minute ago is the same as zero minutes ago,
then before is now and now is after!
Usually when I hear people talking like this,
we're walking through a Taco Bell drive-through.
Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown.
I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy
than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's.
No, there are more galaxies
than grains of sand on all the world's beaches.
Okay, I can't lose 'em both!
- I got this! Alex... - Somebody?
-我来 艾丽克斯 -谁快来啊
"I never knew true strength until --"
"I met a man with no feet."
Wait. No. These cards are not in order.
等等 不是 这些卡没按照顺序摆
Wait. Nobody help her right now --
Alex, you're a smart, confident girl.
I know that you're gonna make the right decision.
Did you just put this watch on me?
I say if Alex doesn't want to go to her graduation,
that's her decision.
As long as you know
that whatever's going on here isn't about math.
Yeah, I think maybe you're afraid to leave school.
- What? - Your whole life,
you've always known exactly what you're supposed to do --
study, get good grades, repeat.
学习 得高分 反复
Now that's over, and it's scary.
Kind of like if zero equalled 1.
But lucky for you, your dummy brother and sister
have spent time in the real world.
And if we can handle it, you're gonna do just fine.
Come on. Let's go get you graduated.
Oh, hold on. That door gets jammed.
I have to open it from the inside.
I still can't get over that commencement speech.
Not a single laugh.
I'll tell you one element he didn't discover -- hilarium.
We don't want to brag, but, uh...
Our kids did that.
No! No more watches.
When did I order these ones?
Hey mom, guess what?
My friend Carly got cut from my program,
and her dad's funded our new costume department.
I guess bribes don't work.
I got through all my merit.
- Yeah!. - That calls for a reward.
Manny, please don't tell Jay.
Oatmeal raisin? You know what?
A true artist doesn't close themselve off to new experiences.
Even vile illlevan cookies.
That's the path I've chosen.
To experiences and observe everything
in this beautiful pageant we called life.