Okay, okay, okay. Settle down.
It's hard to believe I'm 50.
A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged.
What's he been the last 10 years?
Delusional. He thinks he's a millennial, like us.
I've thought a lot about what's next.
- 51. - Thank you, buddy.
-变51岁 -谢谢你啊 兄弟
And it's important that I continue to grow
and that I stay mentally challenged.
Which is why I am starting...
so that by next year's birthday,
I'll be good enough to perform in public.
Oh, great. Another thing to go to.
Also, I'm gonna learn how to speak Spanish.
Uh, I -- I haven't started yet.
Um, and finally, um --
and I know it's a little bit of a midlife-crisis cliché,
I'm gonna learn how to ride a unicycle!
Phil, you forgot to open one of your gifts.
This one, Jay picked it up for you himself.
So, what's going on with that hat?
Gloria thinks I look grumpy in the photos that we take
when we go to these things,
so I'm searching for the right hat
that makes me look like I'm having fun.
Or you could just smile more.
"The Sommelier's Guide to the Wines of France."
- I love it so much. - Nice!
Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed.
"May you continue to age
as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."
- Dad... - "Happy Birthday, Jay.
-爸爸 -"生日快乐 杰
...Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?
小卡 没错 杰 你把我送你的礼物转送人啊
I didn't know he wrote in it.
Because you didn't open it.
So now I feel like a jerk.
How could you be a jerk? You're wearing that hat.
A year from now, I'm gonna know what that means.
I got Gloria the greatest Valentine's Day gift --
a box set of DVDs of all the Dean Martin Roasts.
I was so moved by the romantic gesture
that for Jay's birthday,
I invited a bunch of people over to insult him.
So, my ex-wife and I,
we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.
They're walking down the beach, and my ex-wife says,
"Whoa, look at all that skin."
And I said, "Baby, come on.
我便说 "宝贝 别这样
What's wrong with that?
She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."
She said, "Oh, I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp."
她说 "不 我是在说杰的头皮"
Jay is so not Latin
that every time that he dances,
people point him to the bathroom.
He has no rhythm. That's what I mean.
But seriously, I love the whites.
No, but seriously, Jay is quite the environmentalist.
不 说真的 杰是不折不扣的环保人士
Just this last year, he recycled a gift of mine --
a wonderful book about wine.
I-I don't want to say my father is old,
but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.
He's so old that when he started using it,
it was called Preparation G.
I don't know why any of you people think this is funny!
You may think these are jokes, but it's way too real.
We need to respect Grandpa instead of cutting him down.
None of us really knows how much time he has left.
Do you really want these to be the last words he hears?
Well, now I feel like hell.
And that's how you roast! Bam!
I don't understand why adults make such a big deal
about their birthdays.
So this year, I asked for nothing.
No party, no fuss.
Just a quiet night by myself,
with my thoughts, all alone.
Just as I had hoped, Mitchell is miserable.
He said he didn't want a party,
but it's like when you write "No gifts" on an invitation
but you secretly want everyone to bring something
big and expensive, Jotham.
I made a heartfelt toast at your party.
Yes, and those 12 words were just as generous
as the actual physical gifts everyone else brought.
Okay, I'm gonna go in.
When you hear me say "Mitchell, you're not alone,"
that's when you come in and you yell "Surprise."
We know what to say.
- How you doing? Okay? - Yeah.
-你怎么样 还好吗 -嗯
Now do you see what it's like to spend your birthday alone?
I do. And it's...
- Yeah. - ...amazing.
- What? - Cam, thank you. Thank you.
-什么 -小卡 谢谢你 谢谢你
For once, you heard me and gave me exactly what I wanted
instead of what you thought I should want.
Honey, this is the best birthday present ever.
- It is? - Yes!
Oh, and you've -- you've got to be relieved, too.
I mean, every time we hang out with our friends,
they leave and you spend the rest of the night
complaining about how every single one of them annoys you.
I don't know what you're talking about!
Oh, please. Jotham's cheap. L'Michael has bad breath.
少来 约坦很小气 勒迈克有口臭
That doesn't sound like me!
Antonio's weave is falling apart.
Vincent's a sloppy drunk.
Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling
his one Bernadette Peters story.
You're the sloppy drunk!
Here's a thing I realized --
you can't get older if you never have birthdays.
♪ Happy birth-- ♪
♪ 祝你生日... ♪
What'd I tell you?
I thought this would be the year.
I told my family I just wanted my birthday
to be me and Dylan this year because at the time,
I was still keeping my pregnancy a secret,
and I knew they'd get all suspicious
about why I wasn't drinking.
What was I going to say?
"I can't drink because I have work in the morning"?
There's no way they'd believe that.
Here. I got you a present.
Gucci baby sneakers!
Our baby's gonna be so hot.
Personally, I think it's weird
that there are shoes for someone who can't walk.
But you know what, Haley?
I love that we're pregnannnt --
What are you guys doing here?
At the restaurant? We got a --
- We got a Groupon, but we -- - Us too.
Yeah, we j-we just saw that you were over here.
- Wanted to say happy birthday. - Happy birthday.
Didn't mean to overhear.
You didn't overhear anything.
We were talking about a TV show.
Oh, well, then, what's-what's up
with these little baby shoes, then?
These are-these are not baby shoes.
No, they're, um...
We are starting a business
for people who cannot afford full-size designer wear.
Oh. Well, as much as that does sound like you, I --
- I'm pregnant. - Oh, my God.
- Is it? - We think so.
But we have not told my parents yet,
so please don't say anything.
Oh, honey, I could keep your secret forever,
but just so you know, he can't.
Yeah, you got maybe three, four days tops.
Okay. Well, these were from us, but...
好吧 这些本来是我们送的 可是
Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.
Okay, there you go. See?
Now, you listen to me.
My roller-coastering hormones
cannot handle another lecture from my mother right now,
so you are going to tell me a secret
that I will reveal to everyone if you ever spill mine!
Yeah, but I don't have any secrets.
Uh, when he dresses as Fizbo,
he puts the makeup everywhere.
Because of the whole 21 thing,
people don't think turning 20 is a big deal.
But it's all I've been thinking about for the last three years.
Three years ago, I came in here,
and when I saw you, I fell in love.
The kind of love that punches you in the gut
and makes you wanna be a better man.
But when I asked you out, you said,
"Sorry, kid. You're cute,
"抱歉 孩子 你很可爱
but I don't date teenagers."
But now I don't date men.
Well...looks like I've got a decision to make.
On my birthday this year,
I really got a sense of what people think of me.
This is from me and the boys.
Gloria got you her own gift.
Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
It's a lost art in this modern age
where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet.
Papi, just be normal.
Let's see. It is, uh...
some kind of silk pillow?
Well, it's more than that.
See, there's a switch on the side,
and when you lay on it, it-it plays ocean sounds for you.
You know, I-it helps you relax.
At least it's not a re-gift.
- How do you live with this? - I...
How about we do one more gift, and then
we take a break for cake and do the rest after? Yeah.
Here, Mrs. Dunphy. This is from me and Haley.
给 邓菲太太 这是我和海莉送的
Mm, thank you, Dylan.
Although I have to say,
you have given me enough gifts this year already.
Again, I'm very sorry about impregnating your daughter.
It's an aromatherapy machine.
See, you put in oils
that are supposed to help you with the stress of the day.
Alright, well... let's see.
So far, I have gotten a spa day,
a meditation class, an ocean pillow,
a rage bat, and a little machine
that's supposed to trick my nose into calming me down.
Why does everyone think I'm so tense?
You bit through your night guard.
You're squeezing me too hard.
And last week, you made the pharmacist cry.
That's because he wouldn't sell me any more Sudafed.
The entire family was sick.
I was not cooking meth.
You know what? I don't even want cake.
I really don't appreciate being criticized like this,
especially on my birthday.
Um, that's my gift. Open later.
Manny and I share a birthday,
so I always do something big to get attention.
- Way to go, kid! - Bravo, papi!
-做得好 孩子 -太棒了 宝贝
Hey, guys! Check it out.
Unicycling to my piano lesson.
Wow! We're so proud of you!
Now, that's impressive.
Happy birthday, Joe!
It goes without saying
I'm the best performer in the family.
This year, for my birthday, I decided to have a talent show
so they all start saying it.
It's a talent show? I-I didn't know that.
It said so on the invitation.
I only skimmed it.
We didn't prepare anything!
Carolina in the Morning - Gus Kahn
♪ Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina ♪
♪ 没有什么能比卡罗莱纳的早晨 ♪
♪ In the morning ♪
♪ 更加美妙 ♪
♪ No one could be sweeter than my sweetie... ♪
♪ 没人能比我的挚爱更加甜美 ♪
I can't believe they had matching vests in their car.
Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry?
Because the President wants to build a wall!
Ay, yeah, that is very sad.
because I have no money and I am ugly.
For you, he would let you in because you have money
你不一样 他会让你进来的 因为你有钱
and you have the boobs.
I never thought Uncle Grumpy would go political.
I knew I wasn't ready!
♪ Butterflies all flutter up ♪
♪ 蝴蝶翩翩起舞 ♪
♪ And kiss each little buttercup... ♪
♪ 亲吻美丽花朵 ♪
Stella, walk in a circle.
Ohh. Ah. Close, Dad.
No, I taught her to go for the gun.
The banjo scares me ever since
I saw that creepy film.
Wait. What was it called, again?
No. The Muppet Movie.
He was a three-toed tree toad, but a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad
tried to win the two-toed shetoad's heart,
for the three-toed tree toad loved the ground
that the two-toed tree toad trod.
"...tree toad trod." And sent.
Fastest thumbs in the West!
♪ If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day ♪
♪ 如果我能有一天拥有阿拉丁神灯 ♪
♪ I would make a wish, and here's what I'd say ♪
♪ 我会许个愿 这是我要许的愿望 ♪
♪ Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina ♪
♪ 没有什么能比卡罗莱纳的早晨 ♪
♪ In the mooorniiing ♪
♪ 更加美妙 ♪
As you all know, Sherry and I met
and fell for each other over our love of improv.
So, we're at a romantic restaurant.
That dinner was delicious.
I can't believe you chose this place.
The chef is my ex-boyfriend.
He's very jealous,
and I'm scared he did something to your food.
I am feeling a little funny.
I wish this were a little funny.
I-Is this room spinning? I --
I was afraid of that.
Well, then I better do this before it's too late.
And this part is real.
I used to be a one-man show,
and then you entered from stage left,
and I fell in love.
to be my scene partner forever.
Darling, let's force our friends to sit through
the rest of our lives together.
Will you marry me?
Why would you do this?!
You gotta be feeling better about that piano.
I'd rather not talk about my birthday this year.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lily ♪
♪ 祝你生日快乐 亲爱的莉莉 ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ 祝你生日快乐 ♪
I still can't believe Sherry said no
and broke up with me.
What does he expect? He's 20 years old.
He proposed in front of his family at a pretend restaurant.
Whatever happened to "Yes and"?
Jay, I've tried everything.
Please say something to him that will make him feel better.
It was four days ago.
Alright, let's make a wish!
I wish I were dead.
Haley and I have had this plan for years
that when I turn 21, we'd hit the bars together.
But since she's pregnant, I was drinking for two.
Let me tell you something, Haley Dunphy.
Do you know how much I admire you?
While I was working my butt off,
you were out there having fun!
Not worrying about anything --
not school, not work...
Look at you -- all preg-a-nant.
Maybe I should have Bill come get me pregnant.
Then we can be pregnant together! That would be fun!
I'm gonna text him to come get me pregnant.
I'm gonna get him pregnant!
I miss drinking.
Unlike some people, I love my birthday.
It's the one day a year that can be all about me.
So, um, I thought it would be fun
if we all went around the room
and say what we love about Cam.
Well, that's out of nowhere, but if you insist.
Haley, why don't you go first?
Well, um... I love Uncle Cam
because he is fun and dresses with flair.
And, uh, I love that he makes my Uncle Mitchell happy.
Oh, also, I love that you guys were the first ones
还有还有 我爱你们 因为你们最先知道
to find out I was pregnant and you never judged me.
Wait a minute. What are you talking about?
I thought we all found out at the same time.
Mitchell, you knew she was pregnant and you didn't tell me?
I didn't think it was my place.
Anyway, who's next?
"What I love about Cam is..."
I just wish you would have my back just once.
I don't think she's been using my gift.
- ♪ Happy birthday to Cam, happy... ♪ - Stop. Drop it.
-♪ 祝小卡生日快乐 ♪ -停 别唱了
Welcome to my world.
At my birthday, all anyone cared about was weepy Manny
'cause Sherry broke up with him.
She has a boyfriend now.
I turn 51 in, uh...
My dad had a midlife crisis, too.
I have a hamster at his condo.
No. N-No midlife crisis.
I just think you're -- you're never too old to learn.
Just stay away from my mom.
She has a thing for losers.
Should we take you to the hospital?
Yeah, the contractions are getting closer together.
No. Dad is next.
I can hold it for a few minutes, okay?
I don't want to screw this up for him.
Yikes. Hate to follow that.
What are you gonna dazzle us with?
In which key -- "B" obvious?
Next up, the only student of mine who shaves.
When I turned 50, I vowed to do some things
to take me out of my comfort zone
and keep me on my toes, and I want to thank my family
for being my biggest cheerleaders.
I love you, too, honey.
No, Haley's going into labor!
We've got to get her to the hospital, honey!
Oh! I tried to hold it! I'm sorry, Dad!
我试着忍住了 对不起 老爸
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, everyone!
天啊 抱歉了 各位
Yes! Great! Come on!
好 太棒啦 走
Great work, honey.
Tell your mom I say hi.
Is everything okay?
Why would you say it that way?
And the babies are great!
I can't wait to see them!
As soon as they're done getting checked out.
I'm gonna go get them now.
What about the sex?
Doctor says not for six weeks.
Is this the Dunphy suite?
Oh, how's the mommy?
Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.
消毒液 各位 都来用
How you doing, kiddo?
A little tired. I overdid it last night.
I don't think he was talking to you, buddy.
Just feeling so many different emotions.
I'm also doing great.
I have a son and a daughter,
and once they washed them off, they were really cute.
Oh, what are their names?
We're gonna put a pin in that until the drugs wear off.
Nobody needs grandchildren named Pixar and Coachella.
Phil, this is for you.
It's a...little early birthday present.
And I admit, this one is a re-gift.
"World's Best Grandfather."
It's the mug I gave you when Haley was born.
You kept it all these years.
Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now.
是啊 但是... 现在是你的了
I don't need it anymore. I got a new title.
Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one.
I'm going to count to three.
Hey, how was your recital, Phil?
Oh, I messed it all up for him.
Sorry about that, Dad.
I-I know that was your big goal for the year.
I have a better one now.
Mi ano fue hermoso.
My year was beautiful.
"Año" means "year."
"Ano" means "Anus."
Ay, where are the babies? I want to see them.
There's no easy way to say this.
Mitch and Cam have a whole thing they want to do.
Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.
♪ Nants ingonyama bagithi baba ♪
♪ 爸爸 有头狮子出生了 ♪
Oh, my God! I love it so much!
♪ It's the circle of life ♪
♪ 是生命的循环 ♪
I can't believe they had matching robes in their car.
♪ And it moves us all ♪
♪ 带领着我们向前 ♪
They're so beautiful!
♪ Through despair and hope ♪
♪ 穿越绝望与希望 ♪
You're both gonna get dog beds.
♪ Through faith and love ♪
♪ 越过信念与爱 ♪
You're next, huh?
Okay. Okay. I'm just saying.
♪ It's the circle ♪
♪ 是那循环 ♪
♪ The circle of life ♪
♪ 那生命的循环 ♪
Oh... Is he still crying?
Yeah. Has been for hours...
I thought he cried himself to sleep.
Has he eaten anything?
I fed him an hour ago.
It's amazing how one can be fine
and the other one is so upset.
I'll check him up one last time.
There is my big brave boy.
Sherry booked a toothpaste commercial.
I'm going to have to see that beautiful smile all the time.
There, there, let it out.