Oh, my God. He brought Mom's old car?
You know, that thing was perfect for Dede --
loud, pulled way to the left,
and constantly broke down in public.
My ex-wife, Dede, died two months ago,
and her husband, Jerry, drove down with a bunch of junk
she wanted us to have.
I always liked Jerry.
Then why did you always look at him funny?
Because I knew what he was in for.
Same way I look at the footage of those people
boarding the Titanic.
Jay, this is for you.
Oh, God. Is that her?
No, no, no. Apparently this is a jar of sand
from your honeymoon in Miami Beach.
Oh, yeah. We stayed at the Fontainebleau.
Guess who we took an elevator with?
I told him we were the honeymooners,
and, as a joke, he threatened to punch Dede to the moon.
Well, that's my point. It wasn't right.
Claire, your mom wanted you to have her old sports car.
And Mitchell, you get to keep her jewelry.
Oh, so Claire gets a car,
and I get a, uh, box of turquoise.
No. No, it's fine.
I have a preteen girl at home,
and she likes to play dress-up.
And, you know, Lily might like it, too.
Mitchell and Claire, Dede wanted you two to decide
米奇尔 克莱尔 迪迪想让你俩决定
who gets to keep her.
Sorry, Jay. She left you out of this one.
抱歉 杰 她没把你包括在内
No worries, Jerr. I'm good with the sand.
别担心 杰瑞 我有沙子就够了
Hang on. Uh, what do you mean, "Gets to keep her"?
We had her ashes organically fused with the root ball.
I know. Setting up one last thing for us to fight over,
because neither of us want that tree.
Because both of us want the tree.
Look. Nana left us her old toy box from her house.
Aww, bless her hoarding heart.
Remember how I used to hide in here
and pop out like a scary monster?
I had so much promise back then.
A stick horse that vibrates?
I never got the point.
but I remember spending hours riding on it.
Oh. Lookie here, Alex.
The source of your greatest shame --
the puzzle that I solved but you never did.
We were just dumb kids.
We were dumb kids,
and you were the genius.
That must eat away at you.
I'm top of my class at a prestigious university,
and I co-invented a technology
that has applications to astrophysics and medicine.
And give me that damn puzzle!
Oh, my God, it's Lulu!
She was my favorite toy.
I guess I-I just really miss Nana.
Dylan and I haven't told anyone
because I'm still trying to get my head around it,
but holding Lulu made it so real.
I'm gonna have an actual baby.
Aah, I'm so stressed!
I wish it was the '50s
when it was still healthy to drink and smoke
when you're pregnant.
I cannot wait to restore this baby.
My high school bully had one.
You'd be surprised how fast this thing can go.
No problem catching up with a kid on a bike
who left school 10 minutes early.
I don't know if I want another
half-finished project rusting away in the garage.
The only reason I stopped working on robot lawnmower
was 'cause he started getting too smart.
Come on, honey. Let's keep it.
别这样 亲爱的 我们留着吧
It reminds me of how crazy my mom could be.
I mean, what mother has a car like this?
How's this? We take it for one drive.
If you're not smiling by the time we come back,
- One drive? - One drive.
- One drive. - One drive.
Ugh, she used to double-buckle me and Mitchell
into the front seat.
Between that and the homemade electric blankets,
it's a wonder we're still alive.
What's with the plumber?
Did Joe flush his Aquaman down the toilet again?
No. When my cousins left,
they said that the hot water in the guest bedroom was not working.
The plumber just said that there's nothing wrong.
Someone turned it off.
So, what are we thinking?
No play dates for a week?
I know it was you.
You wanted them gone, and you froze them out.
I'm admitting nothing,
but you said one cousin would be here for one day,
and there were three here for a week.
Why is Jerry still here?
I know. Something must be wrong.
He's sitting in the car like a sad little man.
We have to go and invite him in.
No, no, no, no. He'll move off eventually.
别 别 别 他总会走的
Glor-- Street sweeping is Thursday.
Jerry, is everything okay?
Yeah, does your truck need a push?
It's the darnedest thing.
I can't seem to drive away.
Dropping off Dede's stuff was the last check on the ol' list.
Heck if I'm now feeling pretty lost.
Yeah, I get it. Listen, you just drive down this street,
turn right, and you'll hit the freeway.
Jerry, just come inside.
Yeah, got to love a man with pride.
That's the thing that'll serve you well on the freeway.
Just come inside, I'll make you something to eat,
and you can stay as long as you want.
One of these days, Gloria.
One of these days what?
Nothing. Just one of these days.
All right. Where should we put Mom?
Uh, not too close to the window.
Don't want to spend the next 20 years whispering.
Okay, so, your mom can be a tree,
好 这么说 你妈可以是棵树
but when I told you my Uncle Honus
fell into a thresher and the next spring,
an owl appered with his exact face
and pocket watch, you poo-pooed it.
Why are you being so difficult?
Because when we first got together,
you promised that someday we would move back
to my family farm, and every year,
the someday gets kicked further down the road
like a nosy census taker.
And -- And once you plant your mom here,
we're never gonna leave.
And I-I-I don't think you want to talk
about promises we made back then.
What are you suggesting?
- I've kept every promise I've made. - Really?
You promised me a rose a month for the rest of my life,
so I guess I dropped dead 15 years ago.
I read an article that said it was environmentally ins--
I've never seen you read an article.
Also, you said you'd finally watch "E.T.",
my all-time favorite movie.
Oh, it just seems so stupid.
What am I caring about?
A wrinkly puppet with a Christmas light
at the end of his creepy finger?
And really? Me saying I would watch
some pandering sap-fest is the same
as you saying I would someday be reunited with my family?
A promise is a promise.
I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't agree more.
So, anyway, you haven't missed much around here.
I'm sorry to be such a burden.
It's just I don't know how to move on.
I've been going through incense like crazy.
Here. Eat something.
I know you're a vegetarian, so I made you tomato soup.
That looks pretty good. You have any left over for me?
I know that you don't like things staying around too long.
Her family overstayed their welcome,
and I turned off the hot water,
took a few bulbs out of the room.
You know how it is when you're married.
Dede and I never had a cross word.
That is not possible.
Yep. If things ever got heated,
I'd come up behind her,
put my hands on her neck...
I'm with you so far.
...then massage her and tell her she was right.
But what if she wasn't right?
That's ego talking.
In Buddhism, we believe it's better to conquer yourself
than win a thousand battles.
That's why Nepal is always crushing it at the Olympics.
Jay, an enlightened man would go over there
and say, "Gloria, I love and respect you,
so of course I love and respect your family.
But it was all her fault.
She wouldn't admit it, but she told me
one person was staying with us for one day.
That's her text, but what was her subtext?
Jerry, you're a genius.
She sent me a text.
- What? - Right here.
You don't have to walk over here.
I can read your giant font from across the room.
"Jay, don't call the police when you come home.
He's staying with us for one day."
Walk me through that Buddhist nonsense again.
Fun, huh? Feel that wind and smell that air.
Yeah, it's so bumpy.
Sports suspension. Nothing between me and the road
except my knuckle-less gloves.
Why do you even have those?
Oh, a quirk of the Dunphys.
My fingers get cold, but my knuckles get hot.
There's an 8-track player. I love it.
Let's crank something.
Never heard of this band -- Head Cleaner.
Yeah, why don't we just listen to whatever's in there?
- Oh, this takes me back. - Yeah, I love it.
-这首歌让我回到了从前 -是啊 我好爱
♪ Get your motor goin' ♪
♪ 发动汽车 ♪
♪ Heading for the doorway ♪
♪ 朝门口驰骋而去 ♪
♪ Cooking an adventure ♪
♪ 烹煮一场冒险 ♪
♪ And then we make that doorway ♪
♪ 然后朝门口驰骋而去 ♪
You're smiling. You love the car.
Ah, I just remembered something.
It's a -- It's a thing from high school.
Come on. There are no secrets on the open road.
I just remembered that I lost my virginity in this car.
Yeah, my boyfriend snuck the car out at night
and then, you know...
♪ He found the doorway ♪
♪ 他找到了"门口" ♪
Oh, my knuckles are overheating.
This isn't bothering you, is it, Phil?
你很在意这件事 是吗 菲尔
I mean, you told me about your first time.
I told you about that to explain why I hate bees so much.
Let's just not talk about this anymore.
♪ Born to be wild ♪
♪ 天生狂野 ♪
This is the song that was playing, isn't it?
I'm gonna fix lunch. Want some?
You're eating lunch?
Is there some new Internet challenge I'm not aware of?
And why is your doll in bandages?
You know me. I always loved playing doctor.
The truth is, I accidentally ran her over
and ripped her arm off, which might have been fine
if that was the only baby-mangling issue I had today.
I'm not cut out to be a mother.
Then again, a real baby is easier than a doll, right?
但话说回头 真正的婴儿比娃娃好照顾 对吧
Like, a real baby would let you know
if it was on fire.
Oh, God, why are you crying?
Did you just win the weirdest beauty pageant ever?
Promises kept, Mitchell -- 180 months of roses,
我遵守承诺了 米奇尔 180个月的玫瑰
and I just watched the most beautiful love story
between boy and alien.
Why can't the world have the hearts of children?
You know, I think the thing that touched me the most
was how we were really rooting for E.T. to find
I bet you were pretty thrilled
to stumble upon that coincidence.
Anyway, I'm all caught up in the promises department.
Cam, I just started at the D.A.'s office.
I -- I can't move anytime soon.
Plus, what about Lily's school?
They have schools in Grasshopper.
- Plus, Lily has so many friends here. - Does she?
-再说 莉莉在这里有很多朋友 -真的有吗
Did I hear my name?
What are you two yentas gabbing about?
We were just talking about
moving to Grandma and Grandpa's farm
in -- in the heart of Tornado Alley.
Oh, God. Cam -- Cam. Look, she's clearly terrified.
天啊 小卡 你看 她都吓坏了
Yeah, well, don't worry, sweetie,
好吧 别担心 亲爱的
because it's already been determined.
We're staying here forever,
because other daddy is planting dead Nana in the backyard.
Okay, it was my mother's last wish
that one of us take her, and Claire doesn't want her.
What do you want me to do?
Well, what do you want me to do?
The farm has been in my family for 100 years.
You know, I'm next in line, and you know Daddy.
H-He's slowing down.
Your mother just sent us a video of him
winning a log-rolling contest.
Only in his age group, and he was so spent the next day,
he slept through his first rooster crow
and his snooze rooster crow.
Just admit it -- you have no intention
of keeping your promise of moving to Missouri.
You know what? You're right.
I -- I can't ever imagine myself living on that farm. I'm sorry.
I'm just glad E.T. didn't land at your house.
Okay, don't give me that look.
You'll get to go back to Missouri
when your mom gets released from pris-- uh, princess camp.
You're really hitting the gum pretty hard, aren't you?
How do I do this? Do I -- Do I just push down?
I got off to a slow start,
but eventually I -- I found my rhythm.
And -- And once I broke that sprinkler line,
the -- the water did most of the digging for me.
All right, let's go. Just one last pull.
Ah! Ah, okay, that's my ankle.
Cal, so, what I'm gonna need you to do is go insi--
What? What is it, boy?
什么 你说什么 孩子
H-He's in trouble?
Trapped in a hole? Show me.
- Oh, my God, you're cheating. - No.
-天啊 你在作弊 -我没有
You're looking at ways to solve the puzzle.
How'd you do it, you pea-brain?
What is wrong with me?
Maybe Dr. Johnson is right.
Maybe I don't have what it takes to live on Mars.
After I solved the puzzle,
I wanted to make sure you couldn't,
so I broke a few pieces,
glued some others together.
It can't be solved.
I've had nightmares over that puzzle!
I cried about it in therapy!
Stop! Not the hair! You're gonna fizz it.
不 别碰头发 发型都搞乱了
Hey, what the hell? Break it up.
Luke's not playing fair.
Yeah, well, you make him feel dumb,
and he acts like it doesn't bother him,
but it does. And, Luke,
you know better than to mess with someone so uptight.
What do we always say?
Don't break Alex. She's our safety net.
Now, you both need to calm down.
Luke, walk it off.
Haley, what's going on with you today?
So, no one else knows, especially Mom and Dad,
so you can't tell anybody, but...
Guys, don't look at me like that, okay?
You must think I'm some irresponsible idiot, don't you?
Um, uh, it's a -- Wow, that's --
You got -- That's a lot to process.
D-Do you know who's the --
Oh. What a joyous --
He's been great, actually.
I'm the disaster. I mean, look at Lulu.
I'm gonna be a horrible mother.
Okay, first, it's just a doll.
And you've been taking care of us our whole lives.
Yeah. Remember how you used to pick out
my first day of school outfit so I wouldn't get beat up?
Or how you'd hold the book
while I read myself a bedtime story?
And you're still doing it.
You just swooped in and handled our fight like a pro.
And you're understanding and loving and a total badass.
你这么善解人意 又有爱心 还霸气四射
You're the kind of person that can patch things up
if, say, Alex ever found out
that I re-arranged the stickers on her Rubik's Cube.
Aah! Hair, hair! Haley, help!
头发 头发 海莉救我
Oh. Well, I'm smiling,
so I guess we're keeping the car.
No, you know what? You're right.
不 你知道吗 你说得对
It's not safe, and it's just gonna take up space.
Honey, did I say something wrong?
Are you feeling bad?
Well, I-I guess if I'm being honest,
I'm a-a little worried that every time I get in the car,
I'll picture you and, uh...
Todd was the name of my bully.
It's getting realer.
I mean, how would you feel
about driving around in the sweet ride
I lost my virginity in?
Do you really think you can track down
the ox cart from the Renaissance fair?
I only got to second base in the ox cart.
If it makes you uncomfortable, we can sell the car.
- Really? - Yeah.
But for what it's worth,
I don't want to keep it
because I had so much great sex in it.
- So much? - No, it's because of what happened the next day.
-好多次 -不 是因为第二天发生的事
ugh, she found the condom wrapper under the seat,
and it must have freaked her out.
But instead of shaming me
or -- or embarrassing me with some long, awful lecture,
She wanted to make sure that I was okay with everything
and that it had all been a good experience.
That must be why she wanted me to have the car.
That talk meant as much to my mom as it did to me.
That's incredibly sweet,
and, if it means that much to you, you should keep it.
But I doubt I'll ever feel comfortable in it.
I like where this is going.
I'm gonna make you the best sex I ever had in this car.
That's a lot of pressure. Let's aim for top three.
Gloria. I have something to say.
My approach cost me a phone and a second visit from the plumber,
so I decided to try Jerry's advice
and give Gloria a heartfelt, sincere apology.
How hard could that be to fake?
I was wrong to chase off your cousins.
I'm sorry that I didn't...
take your feelings into consideration.
You deserve to be respected.
What I should've said was I love you,
so I love your family.
Please forgive me for my rude behavior.
Jay, this is all I ever wanted.
For you to come to me like this,
it means the world to me.
I should've been more forward about my cousin's visit.
And I was wrong for crushing your cellphone.
Can you ever forgive me?
Well, it may take a little while, but sure,
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm gonna go to that butcher shop that you like.
And, if Jerry doesn't mind,
I'm gonna buy you a beautiful steak for dinner.
Hey, it's your house. You do what's best for you.
Come to my house, I'm going to be nude.
We're never going to go to your house, Jerry.
Did you hear that, Stella?
We're gonna have a steak.
Jerry, you're a genius.
- This is life-changing. - What did I tell you?
I wish I had tried this years ago.
This would've made my life with Dede downright tolerable.
Maybe we even could've been happy.
I'm glad you think so.
But I'm not the one you need to tell.
Hey, Dede, it's me, Jay. Just wondering how you're doing.
迪迪 是我 杰 就想跟你问声好
Uh, it's Saturday here.
You're not leaving a voicemail.
What I wanted to say is
I could've handled a lot of things better in our relationship.
I guess I wasn't a very good partner.
I never thought of things from your point of view.
I guess I always needed to get my own way.
Anyway, you were a good woman,
and we had some fun times,
especially in the sack.
Never had a problem there.
Careful. That's my wife you're talking to.
- Oh, sorry, Jerr, yeah. - Okay.
-抱歉 杰瑞 - 好啦
I hope you grow up into a nice, big tree,
a-and I hope you don't get any of those beetles
that are killing everything.
And when you settle in in a little while,
maybe I'll bring Joe over and he can climb you.
Mind if I say a word?
Jay was a big man.
He apologized to his wife.
And do you know what she did?
She apologized back!
Did you ever do that even once?!
I apologized to you a thousand times,
and you let me just eat it.
Well, I'm tired of telling you you're always right,
'cause guess what?
That dolphin did not recognize you.
Your haikus had too many syllables.
And trust me, vegans do need deodorant!
All right. Come on.
Come on, kid. Let me buy you a nice steak.
来吧 小家伙 让哥请你吃上好牛排
I-I want you to eat something.
Thank you for taking such good care of me,
even when you're mad.
No. My gosh, I am not mad.
没 天啊 我没有不高兴
And I shouldn't have pushed.
I-I'm sorry, but, you know, if we learn one thing today,
it's that you couldn't survive on a farm.
- because I'll be with you. - What?
I guess w-when I look at things from your point of view,
I -- I made a promise.
When your dad needs you to take over the farm,
Mitchell, that means so much to me,
and you're gonna love it.
The fresh air, and there's no traffic.
Oh, and with a second lawyer in town,
we could reopen the courthouse.
H-Have you ever milked a goat?
Have you ever had fresh milk right from the spigot?
You do have to be careful of snakes and mice and rats.
There's a ton of field mice.
They scare me. One ran up my sleeve one time when I was a kid.
This car is smaller than I remember. I think I'm just less flexible?
I think I threw out my lap.
We were um... just cleaning out the garage.
Nice try, we heard everything.
Although around the finish line,
we kind of lose track of who's who.
I can't believe Mom caught you having sex in the car again.
You are calling the tree Mom?
So listen, after some reflextion,
we decided that she might be be off here.
Before you say no.
I would actually like that.
Hey! What was those screeching in the garage?
Are the raccoons back?