财务依赖的真正成本 Estelle Gibson: The true cost of financial dependence

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演员: Estelle Gibson


台词
I grew up in a family where my father managed all of the money.
我在一个由父亲管理 所有钱的家庭中长大。
But for some reason, when I was eight or nine years old,
但由于某种原因, 当我八、九岁时,
he started showing me things about money.
他开始向我展示一些关于钱的事情。
We would sit at the kitchen table, and he'd show me all the bank books.
我们坐在厨房的桌子旁, 他会开始给我看所有的银行存折。
Now, that was back in the day before the internet,
但是,那是在 互联网出现之前,
when we used to have little books that we used to keep our information in.
我们曾经使用存折 去储存我们的信息。
And he would show me how he saved in these accounts,
他会告诉我 他如何保存这些账户,
and he'd pay bills out of these.
然后用这些钱来支付账单。
And every time he would show me something about money,
每当他向我展示 一些关于钱的东西时,
he would end by saying, "And don't you tell your mother."
最后都会附上一句, “千万不要告诉妈妈。”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Now, to this day, I really don't know why he said that,
直到今天,我都完全不知道 他为什么这么说,
but what I do know is,
但是我知道的是,
to that eight-year-old girl sitting at the kitchen table,
对于坐在厨房桌子旁的八岁女孩,
it meant, "Don't say a word."
这意味着“一个字都不要说。”
Years later, when I got my first job, my father said,
几年后,当我找到 第一份工作时,父亲说:
"You'll bring me your check, and I'll put it in the bank for you."
“你要把你的支票给我, 我会为你把它存进银行。”
But because of what he taught me years before, I said,
但是因为他在几年前 教我的事,我说:
"I'd like my bank book."
“我要我自己的银行存折。”
And to my surprise, he gave it to me.
让我惊讶的是, 他把存折给我了。
Right then, at 16 years old,
在那时,十六岁的我,
I began managing my own money.
开始管理我自己的钱。
I went on to college and then to start my new career as a CPA,
大学毕业后,我开始了 注册会计师的职业生涯,
but now, with students loans, getting an apartment and a new job,
但是现在,背负了学生贷款, 找到了住所和新的工作,
I began the roller-coaster ride of accumulating debt, paying it off
我开始了“积累债务— 还清债务—积累更多债务”的
and accumulating more.
跌宕起伏的财物之旅。
Many years later, after getting married, I went through an unexpected divorce,
多年以后,我经历了一次意外的离婚,
and I was left with a house I couldn't afford
我无法负担余下的房屋贷款
and bills I couldn't pay.
和账单。
You might be wondering,
你可能想知道,
"How does that happen to someone
“这件事为什么会发生在
that's educated and skilled at managing people's money?"
一个曾经受过高等教育, 并且善于与钱打交道的人身上呢?”
I had reverted back to what I learned growing up:
我从自己的成长经历开始反思:
that one person managed all the money.
即一个人管理所有的钱。
I had handed over my financial power,
我交出了我的理财权,
and I had become financially dependent.
并产生了财务依赖。
Financial dependency is when someone is dependent on a person,
财务依赖是指 某人在财务上依赖于他人,
a job or a situation for money,
一份工作或者是一份收入,
and they feel trapped.
然后他们就会感觉被困住了。
People fall into two categories:
这样的人通常分为两类:
dependent with choice and dependent without a choice.
有选择的依赖和 没有选择的依赖。
Someone is dependent with choice when they hand over their financial power
有选择的财务依赖指的是, 人们选择交出理财权,
and their participation.
并不再参与财务管理。
It can happen in personal or business relationships
这种情况可能发生在个人 或者业务关系中——
when one person doesn't want to be involved with the money,
当一个人不想参与财务管理时,
so they hand over the responsibility to a spouse, a partner or a professional,
会将责任移交给 配偶、伙伴或者专业人士,
like an accountant or a manager.
比如会计师或经理。
This was my situation.
这就是我当时的情况。
I spent all day long managing other people's money,
我整天都在管理别人的钱,
so I was relieved
所以当我的丈夫表现得感兴趣,
that my husband was interested and good at managing ours.
并且擅长管理家庭财务, 我开始感到如释重负。
I was free!
我解放了!
For the first time since that first job at 16 years old,
自从 16 岁的第一份工作以来,
I didn't have to be responsible for managing my money.
我终于不必负责管理我的钱。
But what I failed to realize was what felt like freedom
但是我没有意识到的是, 所谓的自由
was really dependency.
其实是一种依赖。
My mistake is that I didn't stay involved
我的错误是,我没有参与其中,
or understand what was going on with our money.
或者了解家里的收支状况。
You may have experienced this yourself,
你可能自己经历过,
or you may have heard stories of celebrities or professional athletes
或者可能听过 名人或专业运动员
that have relied on family, friends and others to manage their money,
如何依靠家人、朋友 和其他人管理自己的钱,
and they are left broke, bankrupt and betrayed
导致他们破产了或者被出卖了,
because they made the choice to hand over their financial power.
因为他们做出了 交出财务权力的选择。
Someone that's dependent without a choice feels trapped
一个没有选择的依赖者 会因为他们的财务状况
because of their financial situation.
而感到被困住了。
They can be in a job or career where they're unhappy or being harassed
他们可能在一份工作或职业中 感到不开心或受到了骚扰,
but they can't afford to leave.
但是他们无法承担离开的代价。
Or, someone that's had to move in with family and friends
还有一些人因为疾病、离婚, 或者某些不幸的遭遇,
because they've had an illness
不得不搬去
or gone through a divorce or experienced a tragedy,
和家人或者朋友一起住,
and now they're financially dependent on others.
他们也只能在经济上依赖别人。
And how many of us know someone that has an elderly parent or a relative
此外,我们当中有多少人认识这样的人: 他们的家里有生活不能自理的
that can no longer take care of themselves,
年迈父母或亲戚,
and they're left to rely on others,
只能依赖别人维持生活,
sometimes handing over their homes, their money and other assets.
有时不得不交出他们的房屋、 金钱或者其他资产作为交换?
Another type of dependency without a choice is financial abuse.
另一种没有选择的财务依赖 是财务虐待。
Financial abuse is a pattern of abusive behavior
财务虐待是一种用来控制或者
used to control and intimidate a partner.
恐吓伴侣的虐待行为模式。
Victims are in a relationship, and the other person has power over them,
受害者处于恋爱关系中, 而另一个人有权控制他们,
because they don't have access to money, information
因为他们无法获取金钱、信息
or the resources and support they need to leave.
或者离开的资源和支持。
The Allstate Foundation has a program called the Purple Purse
好事达基金会(Allstate Foundation) 有一个名为“紫色钱包”的项目,
that helps victims of domestic violence
通过财务授权,
through financial empowerment.
帮助遭受财务虐待的受害者。
They report that 99 percent --
他们在报告中指出 ——
in 99 out of one hundred domestic violence cases --
在 99% 的家庭暴力案件中,
financial abuse helps keep victims trapped in their relationship.
财务虐待迫使受害者 受困于当前的恋爱关系中无法脱身。
The Purple Purse has coined financial abuse "the invisible weapon,"
“紫色钱包”创造了 金融虐待的“隐形武器”,
because visible abuse leaves bruises and scars
因为可见虐待会留下创伤和疤痕,
but financial abuse doesn't.
但财务虐待并不会。
Financial abuse and financial dependency leave emotional scars that you can't see.
财务虐待和财务依赖 留下了看不见的情感伤疤。
They include hopelessness, guilt, shame, depression,
其中包括绝望、内疚、羞耻、沮丧、
lack of confidence and self-esteem.
缺乏自信和自尊。
Financial dependency is also invisible, because no one's talking about it.
财务依赖也是不可见的, 因为没有人在谈论它。
Why?
为什么?
Because no one wants to show their emotional scars,
因为没有人愿意表现出 他们的情感伤痕,
and because we're taught in our homes, on our jobs and in our community
而且因为我们在家里、 工作和社区中接受的教育是,
not to talk about money.
不要谈论金钱。
So many people that I talk to about this issue,
很多跟我谈论过这个问题的人
they can relate and they have a story,
都有切身体会,
but they're not telling anyone their story.
但是不会告诉任何人他们的故事。
When I was told at the kitchen table, "Don't you tell,"
就像我在厨房的桌子旁 被警告的,“不要说出去。”
I never told anyone.
我也从来没有告诉过任何人。
It's even hard for me right now to break that rule that I learned so long ago.
直到现在,我都很难打破 很久之前学到的那个规则。
So, what can I do? What can you do?
那么,要解除这种无形的武器, 我能做什么?
What can we all do to disarm this invisible weapon?
你能做些什么? 我们所有人能做些什么?
We can solve three problems.
我们可以解决三个问题。
The first problem is lack of awareness,
第一个问题是缺乏财务独立意识,
because knowing about money and having money
因为了解金钱和拥有金钱
aren't always the solution.
并不总是解决问题的办法。
In my situation, I was educated and experienced in managing money,
在我的例子中,我受过教育、 也有管理财务的经验,
but that didn't stop me from becoming financially dependent.
但这并没有防止我产生 在经济上的依赖。
Why?
为什么?
Because of the beliefs and experiences I had growing up:
因为在我的成长过程中 一直充斥着这样的信仰和经历:
one person manages all the money.
应该一个人管理所有的钱。
After my divorce, I had to rebuild my life financially and emotionally.
离婚后,我不得不在 经济上和情感上重建我的生活。
So I took every self-development course
所以我参加了每一门 自我发展的课程,
and I read every self-help book I could find.
读了每一本 我能找到的自助书籍。
And that's when I began to understand the dynamics of the family I grew up in
从那时起,我开始了解 我的原生家庭环境
and how they played a role in me handing over my financial power.
以及它如何在我移交 自己的理财权方面发挥了作用。
When you become aware of your inner bruises and scars,
当你意识到 自己的内在创伤和疤痕,
you can begin to break free from financial dependency.
你就可以开始摆脱财务依赖。
The next problem is lack of information about financial literacy.
下一个问题是, 缺乏有关金融知识的信息。
Financial literacy is having the skills and the knowledge
金融知识指的是,掌握相关技能和知识
to make informed decisions about your money.
来做出关于财务的明智决定。
It includes topics like savings and investing,
这包括诸如储蓄和投资,
budgeting and debt.
预算和债务。
In 2018, only 17 states required financial literacy
在 2018 年,美国只有 17 个州 要求在高中课程中
in high school curriculums.
包含金融知识教育。
This corresponds with recent studies that show that 66 percent of Americans
这与最近的研究相符, 该研究表明 66% 的美国人
are financially illiterate.
金融知识匮乏。
If you are in a financial dependency situation,
如果你处于财务依赖的状态,
start by looking and going through your finances,
可以从了解你的财务状况,
making decisions, participate in making decisions about your money.
参与与自己的财务状况 有关的决定开始。
If you are in a financial abuse situation,
如果你正遭遇财务虐待,
get access to your information.
从接触你的财务信息入手。
Look for financial documents like bank credit card statements,
查找财务文件, 例如银行信用卡对账单,
social security information and account pass codes.
社会保障信息和账户密码。
The last problem is lack of giving and getting support.
最后一个问题是, 缺乏给予和获得支持。
Many people don't know that there are free resources
许多人不知道在网上和当地社区
online and in your local community
有免费的资源,
to help you learn and establish healthy money habits.
来帮助你学习和建立 健康的理财习惯。
There are also free resources if you are a victim of financial abuse,
作为财务虐待行为的受害者, 你也能找到免费的资源,
like the Purple Purse.
就像“紫色钱包”。
Giving support includes listening to others that are financially dependent
给予支持包括倾听 财务依赖的人的遭遇,
without judgment or criticism.
而不做任何评判或批评。
It also involves sharing your story,
当然还包括分享你的故事,
because when you share your story, you empower others,
因为当你分享自己的故事时, 就可以鼓舞他人,
and you give them the permission
给予他人
to rewrite their own.
去改写自己故事的力量。
It's my hope that by sharing my story,
我希望通过分享我的故事,
more people will learn about financial dependency,
更多人能够了解财务依赖,
will share their own stories
开始分享他们自己的故事,
and will connect with others to shed a light on this hidden issue
并主动与其他人交流 以阐明这个隐藏的问题,
so that we can all have financial freedom.
最终帮助所有人实现财务自由。
(Applause)
(掌声)