See, Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
乔伊 这就是你父母 叫你不要在床上跳的原因
# So no one told you life was gonna be this way #
# 没有人告诉你活着有多累 #
# Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A. #
# 上班受罪 口袋空空 爱情变累赘 #
# It's like you're always stuck in second gear #
# 寂寞又潦倒 受气又受累 #
# When it hasn't been your day, #
# 日复一日 年复一年 #
# your week, your month, or even your year #
# 时运不济 活着受罪 #
# but I'll be there for you #
# 你我永不离弃 #
# When the rain starts to pour #
# 纵有狂风暴雨 #
# I'll be there for you #
# 你我永不离弃 #
# Like I've been there before #
# 支持一如往昔 #
# I'll be there for you #
# 你我永不离弃 #
# 'Cause you're there for me too #
# 你我相偎相依 #
Hey, look at me. I'm making jam.
I've been at it since 4:00 this morning.
Where'd you get fruit at 4 in the morning?
Went down at the docks.
Bet you didn't know you can get it wholesale.
I didn't know there were docks.
No, but I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks.
Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
No. I had a whole story worked out, but then...
不 我编的故事本来行得通的 但是…
...Chandler sold me out.
I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just fell out of his socket.
What is this? Fruit?
Monica's making jam.
Jam? I love jam. Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Because the kids need new shoes.
I'm going into business, people. I'm sick of being depressed about Richard.
I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man.
What's the opposite of man? Jam.
Joey, don't. It's way too hot.
乔伊 别动 太烫了
This will just be my batch.
Um, that's it. No. Hey you. J. Crew guy...
到此止步 嘿 你这位穿名牌的…
Yeah. Why are you following me?
All week long, everywhere I look, there's you.
You wouldn't return my calls. You sent back my letters.
- What? - One more chance, Ursula. Please.
- 什么 - 再给我一次机会 乌苏拉
Oh. Well, this is awkward.
Yeah, because you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.
你要找的是乌苏拉 而我是菲比 我们是双胞胎姐妹
Oh. That's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman.
I am such a dingus!
Oh, you're not a dingus.
I just... I want you to know I didn't used to be like this.
Before I met your sister, I was, like, this normal guy...
...who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Well... I mean, look, it's not your fault, you know?
听着 这不是你的错 知道吗
I mean, this is just what she does to guys, okay?
Wait. You know what? I got a little story.
When I was in junior high school...
...I went through this period where I thought I was a witch.
And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me...
...that I think will help you a lot.
He said, "Okay, you're not a witch. You're just an average student."
他说 "你根本不是女巫 你只是个普通学生"
- See what I'm saying? - Not really.
- 你懂我的意思吗 - 不是很懂
Um, well, get over it.
I mean, you just... You seem like a really nice guy.
You know, I just... Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
Wait, you're right. I know you're right. And thanks for being so nice.
没错 你说得没错 谢谢你对我这么好
Do you wanna get a cup of coffee or...?
- Yeah, okay. - Okay.
- 好啊 - 好
You don't have to walk behind me anymore.
- Mon? - Mon?
- 摩妮卡 - 摩妮卡
"Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller."
"去多买些罐子 等一下回来 摩妮卡•盖勒"
Wait a minute. Look.
- Look, look, look. - What, what, what?
- 看看… - 怎么了…
- It's an empty apartment. - Mm.
We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Aw, honey, come on. I have to be at work in, like, 10 minutes and, oh...
All right. Well, it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.
Oh, that's what you're talking about.
Okay, I accept that.
When Janice asked me and I said no...
...she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Okay, walk us through it, honey. Walk us through it.
Okay, well, Janice said, uh:
"Hi. Do I look fat today?" And I looked at her...
You just answer. It's like a reflex. "Do I look fat?" "No."
你只能回答 就像条件反射 "我看起来胖吗" "不"
"Is she prettier than I am?" "No."
- "Does size matter?" - No.
- "尺寸很重要吗 - 不
And it works both ways.
Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
You know, after about 30 or 40 fights, you kind of catch on.
Okay. For instance, ahem:
Let's say Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options.
Option number one: She'll take a cab home from the airport.
Or option two: You can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?
选择二 你在领行李的地方与她碰面 你会怎么做
That's easy. Baggage claim.
Ehh! Wrong. Now you're single.
It's actually secret option number three.
You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Okay, this is good. This is good.
All right, listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle...
好 我有一个问题 珍妮丝喜欢抱抱…
...at night, which I'm all for.
But, uh, you know, when you want to go to sleep, you want some space.
So, uh, you know, how do I tell her that without...
...you know, accidentally calling her fat or something?
Oh. Honey, I'm sorry. We can't help you there, because we're cuddly sleepers.
抱歉 我们帮不了你 因为我们都是抱着睡的
Okay, I'm late for work.
- Are you guys gonna come down? - Uh, yeah. I'm right behind you.
- 你们要不要下来 - 好 等一下就去
- Good luck, Chandler. - Thank you, Rachel.
- 祝你好运 钱德 - 谢了 瑞秋
- Bye, sweetie. - Bye, honey.
- 再见 - 再见 宝贝 亲爱的
Okay, the sleeping thing.
Very tricky business but there is something you can do.
- I thought you were cuddly sleepers. - No.
- 我以为你们都是抱着睡觉 - 其实不是
No, not cuddly. Not me. Just her.
不 不是抱着睡 不是我 只有她
I'm like you. I need the room. Ahem.
Okay, come here. Ahem.
Okay. You're in bed.
- I'm gonna use the cushion. - Yeah.
- 我还是用靠垫好了 - 好吧
Okay. You're in bed. She's over on your side cuddling.
好 你在床上 她在你旁边 抱着你
Now, you wait for her to drift off...
...and then you hug her...
...and roll her over to her side of the bed.
- Okay, the old "hug and roll." - Yep.
- 就像以前的拥抱与翻滚 - 对
- Okay. One question. - Shoot.
- 只有一个问题 - 说吧
You're pretending the pillow's a girl, right?
Remember when you were a kid...
...and your mom would drop you off at the movies...
...with a jar ofjam and a little spoon?
- Hi. - Hey, Phoebe.
- 嘿 - 嘿 菲比
Hey, oh! You know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.
You talked to him? Are you crazy?
Okay, first, I'm not crazy. And second, say it. Don't spray it.
第一 我没有疯 第二 用嘴来说 别乱喷
Anyway, his name is Malcolm, and he wasn't following me.
I mean, he was, but just because he thought I was Ursula. Ick.
我是说 他在跟踪没错 但他以为我是乌苏拉
And that's why... That's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me.
Because of the restraining order.
Hmm. Not feeling better about Malcolm.
Oh! No, no, no, he's not like a kook.
No, he's just this, like, very passionate, incredibly romantic guy...
...that just got a teensy bit carried away, you know?
And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
Oh, my God. You've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get "de-Ursula-ized."
Like, you know... Like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Yeah, but I didn't stalk her. I mean...
I asked for the news, not the weather.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Mon.
- 嘿 大伙儿 - 嘿 摩妮卡
Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.
乔伊 这是你的 这是黑莓红醋栗酱
Hey, Joe, I gotta ask.
The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked...
...or a big tub of jam?
Put your hands together.
Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
What happened to your jam plan?
Well, I figured out I'd need to charge 17 bucks a jar just to break even.
So I've got a new plan now. Babies.
Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
- What are you talking about? - About me having a baby.
- 你在讲什么 - 讲我要要生小孩的事
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
- 你是认真的吗 - 是的
The great thing about the jam plan was I was take control of my life.
So I asked myself, "What is the most important thing to me?"
And that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Well, aren't you forgetting something?
What is, uh...? What is that guy's name? Dad.
It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanted to spend my life with.
If I have to wait another 28 years, then I'll be 56 before I can have a baby.
And that's just stupid.
That's what's stupid?
I don't need an actual man. Just a couple of his best swimmers.
You know? And there are places that you can go to get that stuff.
Down at the docks again?
Look at all that room on her side.
You could fit a giant penguin over there.
That'd be weird, though.
Hug and roll time.
I'm hugging. I'm hugging.
You're rolling, and...
Except for this arm.
I'm stuck. Stuck arm.
Okay, time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion.
Quick like a cat. Quick like a cat.
Here's my binoculars.
Oh, great. Great. You're doing great.
You know, real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
These are my night-vision goggles.
This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park.
And these are Madlibs. They're just for fun.
Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. What's this?
噢 好吧 这是什么
Oh. This is the log I kept, recording her every movement.
- You want to hear something from it? - Um, not even a little bit.
- 要不要听听看 - 我一点也不想听
- It's about you. - Oh, okay, then.
- 是跟你有关的 - 那好吧
"I met Phoebe today.
She was really nice to me even though I'm such a loser."
"And then when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot.
It was weird but kind of cool."
So, what were you thinking?
I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you.
- Really? - No.
- 真的 - 开玩笑
See, that's just something I said now so that maybe I could kiss you.
No, it's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
不 不用了 我刚吃了一罐芥末
Okay. Sperm donor number 03815, come on down!
Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds.
好 他是6尺2寸 170磅
And he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
You mean there's more than one of us?
You can't do this, Mon, all right? If you do this, I'm gonna...
你不能这样做 摩妮卡 如果你这么做 我会…
- You're gonna what? - I'm gonna tell Mom.
- 你能怎样 - 我会告诉妈
Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
很抱歉 他是对的 我爱你 可是你真的疯了
- Crazy. - What? Why? Why is this crazy?
- 疯了 - 为什么 这样就疯了
- So this isn't the ideal way to do something... - Oh, it's not...
- 就算这不是最理想方法 - 这根本不是…
Lips moving. Still talking.
It may not be ideal...
...but I'm so ready.
You know, I see the way Ben looks at you.
It makes me ache, you know?
Check it out. Jam crackers.
Okay. All right, how's this?
Twenty-seven. Italian-American guy.
Wow. Big family. Seven sisters...
大家族 七个姊妹 而且…
...and he's the only boy.
Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule."
天啊 个人评论写着 ""纽约尼克队"最厉害"
Yeah, the Knicks rule.
Joey, this is you.
When did you go to a sperm bank?
Right after I did that sex study at NYU.
Hey, remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
And that's how you bought it?
No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.
I'm kind of surprised there's any of my boys left.
Well, honey, it is pretty competitive.
I mean, I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
Hey, maybe I should call this place...
...and get them to put my Days ofour Lives gig on here.
You know? Juice this puppy up a little.
How's the maniac?
Oh, he's yummy. We did a little kissing. Aah!
Phoebe, what are you doing?
Oh, no, no, no. You know what?
He's not into that anymore. He quit for me. Mm-hm.
不 他不会再犯了 他为了我戒掉了
Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister...
...for God knows how long, okay?
You don't just give up something like that.
Look, he gave me his night-vision goggles and everything.
You're taking the word of a guy who has night-vision goggles?
What? He's not still following her. You think he's still following her?
Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
What should I do?
I think that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Thank you, Monica.
Or you could follow him and see where he goes.
Oh, that's what I would do. Forget mine.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Oh, God. Crazy Chandler, he spun me...
Wow. Spinning. That sounds like fun.
No, you know, he was just trying Ross' "hug and roll" thing.
You know, like, where he hugs you and then he kind of rolls you away, and...
- Phoebe? - Yes? Yes! Oh.
- 菲比 - 怎样
What are you doing?
Oh, I was just here looking for my, um...
My part of an old sandwich. Here it is! Oh!
Were you following me?
Yes. Yes. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
So you spied on me.
I can't believe you don't trust me.
Oh, well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister.
Just walking along, looking like me.
What is this, just a freakish coincidence, or did you know that she takes this train?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I tried to stop, but I couldn't.
No, no, it's not your fault. You know, it's partly my fault.
不 不是你的错 我也有错
It's because I made you quit cold turkey.
It's too hard, you know?
Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, because you're, you know:
But, um... But I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay?
Just stalk me for a while, huh?
Yeah, and I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Uh-huh. I don't know.
Yeah, just... Okay, look, I'm going.
Ooh, ooh, behind the pillar. Ooh, which way am I gonna go? Aah!
- Where you going? - To the bank.
- 上哪里去 - 银行
Huh. Sperm or regular?
So you're really doing it, huh?
Oh, yeah. I picked a guy, 37135.
是啊 我挑了一个男性 编号37135
I'd say so. He's got brown hair and green eyes.
- What? - I figured you'd have picked a blond guy.
- 怎么了 - 我以为你会选金发的
I don't know. I always pictured you ending up...
...with one of those tall, smart, blond guys, name like...
- Hoyt? - It's a name. Yeah.
- 荷依 - 这是个名字
I saw you in this... You know, this great house with a big pool.
Yeah? Is he a swimmer?
He's got the body for it. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. What? - You guys have one of those signs that says:
- 怎样 - 你们有这样的标语…
"We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool."
We do not have one of those signs.
Sure you do. It was a gift from me.
Oh! And you have three great kids.
- Two girls and a boy? - Yeah!
- 两个女孩和一个男孩 - 没错
And they wear those little water wings, you know...
...and they're running around on the deck.
And then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
Uh, but, hey, you know, this way sounds good too.
Wow, this guy's an astronaut?
That would have been cool...
...for, like, a day. Ah-ah!
I called the sperm bank today.
They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani.
Nobody wants my product.
I mean, I don't get it, you know?
...maybe if they met me in person.
Uh, honey, you got a little thing on your...
Chan, can I, uh...? Could I talk to you for a second?
Just one, uh... One additional relationship thought.
Um, something you're probably, uh, already familiar with.
Uh, women talk.