I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies.
Instead, it reverts to its asexual state
and then grows up again.
We thought my 90-year-old grandfather
had reverted to an asexual state,
but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver
proved us all wrong.
My point is, immortality is not only a possibility,
Only if you're this jellyfish
which periodically reverts to a mass of
If I could keep my Gmail account,
I'd be okay with that.
Remember when we were trying to figure out what that smell
coming from Professor Tupperman's office was?
-Yeah? - Turns out it was Tupperman.
Dead at his desk for two weeks.
- Oh, my God. - That's terrible.
In lieu of flowers, the department chair
is asking that everyone donate a bottle of Febreze.
If we're going to change the topic from jellyfish,
I'd be okay with brine shrimp
or the history of the unicycle.
Show a little compassion-- a man died.
And turned into a puddle of goo.
Now, we can either sit around
and cry over spilt professor, or...
we can rejoice in the knowledge
that a tenured position has just opened up.
I choose to do the latter.
Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous.
A guaranteed job for life
only encourages the faculty to become complacent.
If we really want science to advance,
people should have chips implanted in their skulls
that explode when they say something stupid.
Well, I believe people do their best work
when they feel safe and secure.
If you need my nose, you'll find it firmly lodged
up the rectum of the tenure committee.
You Ph.D's gonna go suck up like Kripke?
I mean, I'll apply,
but I'm not gonna stoop to playing politics.
It should be about the work.
And if I can't get tenure,
I'd like to see you or Sheldon get it.
Raj, don't dangle false hope
in front of Leonard like that.
but I think I'm just as qualified as you are.
- So "tenured" means a job for life? - Yup.
And you can't get fired
even if you're bad at it?
Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress
at the Cheesecake Factory.
While I disagree with the premise of tenure,
if they gave it to me,
it wouldn't diminish my output.
You know, I'm like the sun.
Can't turn this off.
Are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?
Do they know they don't stand a chance
'cause you're so great?
You know, I must say I go back and forth
on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing,
but those moments when you worship me
really keep you in the running.
It would be nice to have the increased income.
Stop taking money from my parents.
Money from family does come with strings attached.
They buy me a new BMW for my birthday
but can I get seat warmers?
"Rajesh, if you want a warm butt,
you're gonna have to pay for it yourself."
Well, maybe I will, old man!
I think that's enough wine for now.
I just keep thinking about how cool it would be
if I called my mom and told her
that I got tenure at Caltech.
She'd be proud, huh?
Assuming she takes my call.
My primary concern with being granted tenure
is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact.
I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow.
Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability
And I will return to New Delhi in triumph
atop a bejeweled white elephant!
And you know what will be on that elephant's back?
"No, Father, you may not have a ride!"
不好意思 父亲 就不载你
I'm gonna make some coffee.
So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
I'm not gonna schmooze anybody.
I'm gonna let my work speak for itself.
That shows a lot of integrity.
I'm a naive idiot, right?
Oh, good, you heard me.
You know, if you really want tenure,
maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.
Sheldon Cooper does not do "cozy."
But I suppose it wouldn't hurt
to know who's on the committee.
I'm not sure; it could go either way.
Hey. Mrs. Davis.
Just thought I'd come down
and start getting ready for swimsuit season.
Not that you need it.
I bet you look great in a swimsuit.
I've got what my father used to call "furniture disease."
My chest is falling into my drawers.
I'm not, uh, familiar with this model.
How do I make it start?
This one might be broken.
- You have to move. - Got it.
Yeah, now I'm feeling it.
Oh, this is great.
I could do this for the rest of my life.
speaking of things you do for the rest of your life...
uh, did I read that you're on that-that tenure committee?
I got to get a home gym.
Well, I'm sure you have a lot of
good applicants, I just
wanted to say hi and...
let you know that I'll be...
throwing my hat in the...
- All right, I'll keep an eye out for that. - Yeah.
-好的 我会留意你的 -好
Funny seeing you here for the first time in...
Janine the Machine, let's do this!
Burned a whole calorie.
I guess you got here early
to burn off that banana bread I baked you.
Yeah, it was delicious. Thank you.
对啊 真的很好吃 谢谢
No, my pleasure.
Oh, if you... if you like banana bread...
I've got a-a great recipe.
The trick is in... in fresh ground...
I'll e-mail it to you.
All right, I'm warm.
Ready to kick it up a notch?
That's enough cardio for me.
I'm just... gonna stretch out
before I hit the weights.
Good day, Mrs. Davis.
This is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali
from the astrophysics department.
I'm not really in space.
I'd like to take this opportunity
to tell you about myself,
so sit back, relax and enjoy
所以坐好 放松 好好看
the following 90-minute video.
Born in New Delhi,
the third son of an itinerant gynecologist,
I showed early signs of genius.
At the age of five, I discovered a celestial object
which later turned out to be the moon.
Mrs. Davis? Mrs. Davis?
God, they're everywhere.
Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?
Yes, hello. I'm fine. Um...
I understand you may have a bad impression of me,
so I bought you a gift.
Uh, Dr. Cooper, that's not necessary.
Get ready to like me.
The tragic history of slavery in America.
Fun for the whole family.
Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
You are black, right?
This meeting has come to an end.
Because you want to start watching it right now.
Up next on the tenure committee is...
Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.
- Where have you been? - Nurse's office.
Asthma, heart-- some kind of attack.
哮喘 心脏病 反正来了一发
You guys going to Professor Tupperman's memorial?
- I don't know. - Probably not.
Yeah, you wouldn't want to look like
you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee,
who will all be there.
Oh, yeah, that's what I was hoping for-- meerkats.
I won't be able to make our date night this Thursday, so...
You better have a good excuse this time,
because "trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right"
is obvious nonsense.
First of all, when you say things like that,
people think you're crazy.
Second, the reason I'm cancelling is because
I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.
It sounds like a long and tedious evening.
Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening,
I'd rather it be with you on date night.
But I have no choice.
The tenure committee's going to be there.
Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along.
Well, now that I think about it,
that would be most helpful.
I'm well-versed in academic politics,
and as a respected scientist,
I can only raise your stock as a candidate.
Actually, I meant you could drive me.
But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.
Do anything interesting today?
I was out shopping with Amy.
She wanted me to help her find something for this memorial thing.
Wait-- Sheldon's going to be there?
We all promised we weren't going to go.
- Oh, what a jerk. - I know.
I was hoping to go without anyone finding out.
Well, since Amy's going, do you want me there?
You know, to support you?
That's nice, but it-it's just gonna be
a room full of boring old men
and I'm not sure how much help you'd be.
I'm just gonna tie my shoe while you think about that.
Oh, yeah. No. Thanks,
好吧 不 谢谢
that would be great help.
You realize you might kill some of them.
Oh, then you all can get tenure.
All the other scientists have seat warmers.
This is so humiliating.
I've got to get tenure.
Okay, l-let's meet halfway.
How about I cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week?
Looks like we're both going to be living like animals.
Let's go over our emotional responses one last time.
Professor Tupperman is dead,
- and that makes us...? - Sad.
The fact that there are so many people
here tonight doesn't make us cranky and claustrophobic.
Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was...?
- However... - No.
You have some nerve showing up here
just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
- You're here. - Excuse me.
I'm here to pay my respects to Professor... Tupperware,
or whatever his name is.
His passing makes me feel... bad.
Well, well, well, Sheldon,
fancy meeting you here.
I guess the train store in Glendale
wasn't having a cotillion after all.
And you-- you said you weren't coming here, either.
I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
I'd like to know why Penny's here.
I'm here to support my man, just like you.
What are you going to do?
Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
What? Did she do it yet?
She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee
to further Leonard's cause.
Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.
Don't just stand there. Take your breasts out.
Ooh, meerkat fight!
You're all wasting your time.
Sheldon is the most qualified for the job,
and no amount of gravity-defying bosom's
going to change that.
Seriously, is that tape?
Like, how are they staying up like that?
Way to hit them with both barrels.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Using women to advance your cause with sexuality,
and whatever Amy plans on doing.
Are you implying that my girlfriend
- has no sexuality to exploit? - Yes!
- Okay, because that was not clear. - Sheldon!
-好吧 刚暗示得不够清楚 -谢尔顿
What? That was ambiguous.
Well, now it's biguous.
What are you gonna do about it?
You could talk some smack about his mother.
Well, yes, of course, he wouldn't like that at all.
I was feeling in need of sexual release
when I happened to come across your mother.
Guys, what are we doing here?
I don't know what you're doing,
but I was about to insinuate
that I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.
Oh, you do what you want,
but I don't want to lose my friends over tenure.
Friends are forever.
- So is tenure. - Walk!
I'm just gonna go home
and let my work speak for itself.
You're right. This is beneath me.
Like your mother was last night.
How about it, Sheldon?
What do you think I should do?
Well, you'll always be an academic success,
I seriously question
whether you'll make any more friends.
I don't want any more, but let's go.
I would "wove" to baby-sit for you.
I could not ask you to do that.
Nonsense. Children "Wove" Me.
Something about me just makes them "waugh" and "waugh."
No. We cannot lose to that jerk.
You... Wait. Hold on.
I believe "screw it, I'm going in" is what
I said to your mother last night.
Don't worry, I didn't really say that.
I-I find the concept
of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.
Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.
I know you're in there.
I saw your car in the parking lot.
I just found out that you recommended myself,
Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali
to be on the short list for tenure.
Well, despite your quirks,
the three of you are very accomplished
in your respective fields.
I don't know what you mean by "quirks," But, um...
...I do want to express my gratitude.
You didn't bring another gift, did you?
No, I learned my lesson.
I understand that was inappropriate.
Anyway, thank you.
I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen.
Yeah, right on, sister.