I recently read that during World War Two,
Joseph Stalin had a research program
to create supersoldiers
by having women impregnated by gorillas.
What a sick use of science.
Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Hippos are the deadliest creature.
A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry,
you can stop them with marbles.
Yeah, the correct animal
for interspecies supersolider is koala.
You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.
But half-man, half-owl could fly...
The answer is cuddly soldiers with big flat noses.
So, Penny, when's the new job start?
Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you?
Uh, not yet, but I will.
I said I'll get to it.
I'm sensing awkwardness, am I right?
I don't want to be pushy,
but you've never done pharmaceutical sales before.
It seems like you could use this time to get a head start.
Well, the first few weeks will be all training.
They'll tell me everything I need to know.
But imagine how impressed they'd be if you showed up
already familiar with the material.
Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher's pet?
Who here has ever been hurt
because they were the teacher's pet?
It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald
to forget the quiz.
That's right, good job.
Uh, you wanted to see me?
Yes. Uh, welcome back.
I assume you'd like to reopen our dialogue
about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?
You mean the dialogue that went,
"Please?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Please?" "No."
I believe you went last, so, uh, please?
我记得上一次最后是你回的 所以... 拜托
Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution
库伯博士 在你不在的时候 我们想出了
that would allow you to change your field of study.
Pouting and running away actually worked.
Yeah, I must say, that may not be a lesson
you want to reinforce with me.
So, um, what is the solution?
Currently, you're being paid under a grant
to specifically research string theory.
If we promote you to junior professor,
you'll be able to choose
whatever field of research you'd like.
But if I'm a professor, then I'll have to teach a class.
So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money
所以你的解决方法就是 给我升职 给我加薪
so that I can impart my knowledge
to the next generation of scientists?
You people are sick.
Hey. Ready to go to lunch?
Just give me a minute.
I'm stimulating the pleasure cells of this starfish.
I just need to turn it off.
What happens if you don't?
Then I have to sit through lunch
knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am.
Is Bernadette meeting us at the restaurant?
Uh, no. Actually, I didn't invite her.
Well, ever since she helped me get this job,
she won't stop bugging me.
Well, I think she just wants you to do well,
and she's worried that you won't
'cause you were just a stunningly poor waitress.
I'm still waiting on my mini corndogs from two years ago.
I told you, they'll be right out.
Okay, so no Bernadette.
Well, you saw her the other night. Am I wrong?
I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about her like this.
Usually when someone's being talked about behind their back,
it's me and it's right in front of my face.
I-I'm sorry. I just need a little break from her.
You know, there is some research that indicates
that sharing negative attitudes about a third party
can be a powerful bonding force between two friends.
So, what are you saying?
I'm saying, in the spirit of science,
what is that little skank's problem?
So, I've been trying to come up
with a cute couple's nickname for me and Emily.
What do you like better--
Why is it your last name and her first name?
Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney,
and something just didn't seem right about Koothrapeeney.
Hey, how'd it go with human resources?
Yeah, they're allowing me to move on from string theory,
but they made me a junior professor
and are requiring me to teach a class.
I don't understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach?
What a stupid question.
The kids are gonna love him.
I can't believe I have to waste my time
babysitting a bunch of grad students
who probably think dark matter is what's in their diapers.
This might not be that bad.
Uh, you like telling people they're wrong.
Just because I enjoyed that one doesn't mean I always do.
You enjoy giving people grades.
A valid point, but unoriginal-- B-minus.
观点正确 但是非原创 B-
And you love the sound of your own voice.
Yeah, well, of course I do.
对 没错 我喜欢
It's like an earful of melted caramel.
Look, most importantly,
this will let you move on and study dark matter.
It is true that many of my heroes have taken students
under their wings:
Feynman, Einstein, Professor X.
费因曼 爱因斯坦 X教授
费因曼 美国著名物理学家X教授 即查尔斯·塞维尔 X战警学校的校长及创办人
in the case of Professor X,
some of his students actually had wings.
I'll use that one to lighten the mood
after my entire class fails the midterm.
Measuring starfish serotonin levels in response to
one point two molar stimulation of pleasure cells.
You like that, don't you?
That's right, say my name.
- Hey, what's going on? - Not much.
You want to get a drink later?
Not tonight. I'm a little frustrated with her.
Because you got her the job and you think
she should be working harder to prepare for it?
So it's not just me. You see it, too!
It's driving me crazy.
Just this afternoon, I saw on Instagram
that instead of studying, she went out to lunch
and got a manicure.
If she doesn't do well,
th-this could reflect poorly on you.
Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care?
是啊 她是不知道 还是不在乎
The important thing is I am here for you
so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.
Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going.
Did you send everyone to the principal's office already?
Well, that's not your fault.
I called the department secretary to see what happened.
Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.
Hey, Sheldon, I'm sorry.
Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.
Aw, you brought cookies for everyone?
Oh, yes. Fig Newtons.
I was going to ask them: which scientist both helped
to develop calculus
and had a famous cookie named after him?
And then after someone said "Newton,"
I was going to tell them they're wrong.
The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts.
And then I'd throw the cookies away.
Hey, what if I took your class?
Why would you do that?
- Yeah, why would you do that? - What's wrong with you?
I'm thinking about getting my doctorate,
and he wants to teach-- why not?
I appreciate the gesture,
but this is a graduate-level physics class.
I don't think you'd understand
a single thing I was talking about.
Ask why not again; I've got an answer.
Sheldon, I'm more than smart enough to take your class.
How would you determine the ground state
of a quantum system with no exact solution?
I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters
until I found the lowest energy solution.
Do you know how to integrate X squared times E
to the minus X, without looking it up?
I'd use Feynman's trick--
differentiate under the integral sign.
What is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?
Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer
to every measurement, they are all equally correct.
However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation,
so I'll say that. Now do you think I'm smart enough?
Oh, come on. You might've gone to school
for a couple more years than me, but guess what--
engineers are just as smart as physicists.
You take that back!
So, after drinks with Bernadette,
I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her.
And then while I'm talking to Penny,
I get a text from Bernadette.
Wh... I'm trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard.
Why are you telling me this?
Because it's taken 15 years,
but high school is finally awesome!
I love them both,
but I'm in the center now, and I love that even more.
Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way
艾米 拜托 我正努力寻找
to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.
- But I'm just... - Not now.
You better watch that attitude, buddy.
You're dating the popular girl now.
Oh, I'm working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz.
He is going to be so lost.
Look at this section over here.
Even I don't really understand it.
Sheldon, why are you doing this?
I'm a teacher, Leonard.
why are you going to so much trouble
to prove that you're smarter than Wolowitz?
Oh, it's no trouble; it's actually a pleasure.
You want to know what I think?
I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you,
or even smarter, scares the pants off you,
and you can't deal with it.
Wh... You're suggesting
that I have emotional issues below my consciousness
which drive my behavior,
thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone
that threatens my intellectual superiority.
Might be something to think about.
- Leonard? - Yeah.
Howard's allergic to peanuts.
How can I use that against him?
Okay, now that everyone's here, we can begin.
Before we do, I just talked to Leonard.
And if you're gonna
spend all your time trying to belittle me
by making this class unnecessarily hard,
But if you're interested in making
a sincere effort to be a good teacher,
then I'm willing to give this a shot.
I suppose that's a fair request.
There's no reason we both can't benefit from this experience.
Well, then, uh, first things first.
Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?
And how it relates to the calculus of variations?
It's an inverted cycloid.
Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?
That's where I'm a little fuzzy.
Ha! I knew it! All right.
We have a lot of information to cover before your first test.
Which, by the way, is in eight minutes.
The good news is I'm grading on a curve,
so you're pretty much guaranteed a C.
* All I do is win, win, win *
* 老子这辈子只想赢 *
* DJ KHALED - All I Do Is Win
* No matter what *
* 无论如何 *
What are you doing?
* Everybody hands go up, up... *
* 大家一起高举双手 *
* And they stay there! *
* 保持别动 *
What are you doing?
If you're gonna be a crappy teacher,
then I'm gonna be a crappy student.
* Ludacris going in on the verse *
* 路达克里斯来唱副歌 *
*'Cause I never been defeated and I won't stop now..*
* 我无所不胜 永不停止 *
This is a classroom.
This is not American Bandstand. Okay.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes. Over here.
What are you doing now?
So I can shoot you with a spitball.
You're not going to do that, and I'll tell you why.
This is an institution of higher learning,
I am your professor,
and you're going to treat me with the prop...
You shot your spit in my mouth!
Is that gonna be on the test?
Because I don't think I can do that again.
Can I get a what what?
Um, I was just calling to see what you were up tonight.
Thought maybe we could hit up Color Me Mine,
maybe sneak in some Pinot Greej. Whatevs.
Uh, thanks, but I think I'm gonna stay in
and go over the stuff Bernadette gave me.
Oh. Oh, I hear you.
Try and get that nag off your back, right?
I mean, you're not a bicycle;
why's she riding you like that?
No, I think she was just trying to help.
Plus, I really want to do well at this job. So...
Okay, good luck. And call me later,
you know, if you decide she's a bitch or something.
Tonight. You, me, Color Me Mine.
今晚 你和我 "自己动手做彩陶"
Maybe we sneak in some pinot-- make it Color Me Wine.
That sounds fun, but I promised Penny
I'd come by and help her study.
Oh. Well, good luck getting her to do that.
She's probably off getting another manicure.
You remember when she did that?
I was probably being too hard on her.
We talked, we're good.
I'm happy for you guys.
You know, when the two of you aren't getting along,
it puts me in a really weird position.
Well, don't worry-- everything's back to normal.
You mean, like, where she's nice to your face?
Can't talk. Spitball.
Sheldon, I-I promise.
Your uvula does not have an STD.
It just doesn't feel as innocent as it used to.
You reported me to human resources?
You violated the sanctity of my mouth.
Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you're happy.
I told you you weren't smart enough to take it.
我跟你说过 你不够聪明 不能上我的课
I'm smart enough, Sheldon.
Asking me a bunch of questions
about a topic I'm not familiar with
doesn't prove anything.
I could do the same to you.
You enjoy making fun of engineering so much;
how do you quantify the strength of materials?
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Okay, how do you prevent eddy currents in a transformer?
Laminate the core material.
Come on, give him a hard one.
That was a hard one.
How does the flow rate in a pipe depend on its diameter?
You don't know, do you?
What's the matter, smart guy?
Don't know Poiseuille's law?
Thank goodness I got it!
Now I can quit checking my stool.
Okay, what are the potential side effects
for our erectile dysfunction drug?
Headaches, dizziness and nausea.
头痛 头晕 恶心
Those are also the side effects
of having a 75-year-old man with an erection climb on top of you.
- Want to stop here? - Uh, no. I can keep going.
-要不要停下来 -不用 我可以继续
Nah, you got this.
Let's go for a drink. I'll call Amy.
Okay, good. She seemed like she really wanted to go out tonight.
Okay, next question, for the Butterfinger:
how long is a galactic year?
250 million years!
Okay, this one is for a Cadbury Creme Egg.
It's not even Easter time.
Which Archimedean solid has 20 regular triangular faces,
30 square faces, 12 pentagonal faces,
60 vertices and 120 edges?
Why didn't girls like us in high school?
Because we were awkward and weird
- and couldn't play sports! - Right again!