I'm just gonna run to the store and get a few things.
我去商店里买点东西
I'll pick you up when you're done.
等你剪完再来接你
I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
我比较喜欢你在这儿陪我 不过没关系
Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
嗨 我来找诺费奥先生为我理发
I'm sorry, Uncle Tony's in the hospital.
真抱歉 托尼舅舅还在医院呢
Oh, dear, Mr. D'Onofrio's in the hospital.
天啊 诺费奥先生在医院
Why do these things always happen to me?
我的命运为何如此多舛
I can cut it for you.
我可以帮你理发
You're not Mr. D'Onofrio.
你不是诺费奥先生
I get my hair cut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
我的头发一般是诺费奥先生理的
You believe this guy?
你信得过这家伙吗
Excuse us for a second.
先失陪一下
Sheldon, it's okay, he can do it.
谢尔顿 没关系 他能行的
He's not a barber, he's the nephew.
他不是理发师 他是理发师的外甥
He's an example of the kind of nepotism
他就是理发界日益猖獗的
that runs rampant in the barbering industry.
裙带关系的典型范例
Besides, Mr. D'Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done
另外 诺费奥先生很清楚我喜欢什么样的发型
because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.
因为他有我在德州理发时的理发记录
What are you talking about?
你在瞎扯什么啊
When I first moved here,
我刚搬来这里的时候
I was nervous about finding a new barber,
找新理发师这事儿很让我发愁
so my mother had all my haircut records
所以我妈就把我的理发记录
sent here to Mr. D'Onofrio.
都寄给了诺费奥先生
There's no such thing as haircut records.
根本没有理发记录这回事
Have you ever seen them?
你见过你的理发记录吗
No, but my mother assured me they were sent here,
没 不过我妈妈保证肯定寄过来了
and I'll bet you dollars to donuts
我敢跟你打包票
that this one doesn't have them.
这家伙肯定没我的理发记录
Do you have access to my haircut records?
你能拿到我的理发记录吗
托马斯·斯特恩斯·艾略特著名美国诗人 诺贝尔文学奖得主
To paraphrase T.S. Eliot,
用T·S·艾略特的诗来说
this is the way the world ends--
世界就是这样告终的
这句改自他的作品《空心人》 原文为"世界就是这样告终的 不是砰的一声而是一声抽泣"
not with a bang but with a nephew.
不是砰的一声而是一个外甥
Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional,
谢尔顿 你都是个大人了 他也是专业人士
and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946.
而且你的发型是1946年那张海报上的第三个
and let him do it.
让他给你剪吧
Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork,
好吧 如果我剪完看起来个傻蛋
So my kid said the funniest thing today.
我家小孩今天讲了件特别有意思的事
When you tell this story later,
如果你日后跟别人说这事
the word we usually use is "quirky."
记得用"古怪"这个词来形容
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Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?
你能把帕马森干酪递给我吗
What are you doing?
你这是干嘛
I'm trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
把我的头发从眼前吹开
Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
谢尔顿 你就是晚了一天没理发而已
Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
谢谢你 一句话点明了我的恶梦
Lookie here, I got my travel orders.
瞧 我收到我的随行指示信了
"Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz is requested
"随行专家霍华德·沃罗威茨受命
to report to the NASA Johnson Space Center,
前往位于德州休斯顿的国家宇航局
for astronaut training Monday 8:00 a.m."
于周日早上八点接受宇航员特训"
Yeah, but it's from NASA, so it's 0800.
不过这是宇航局的信 所以时间得按照军事格式来念
But it says "8:00 a.m."
可上面写的是"早上八点"
You read it as "0800."
你得按照军事格式来念"0800"
It doesn't have an "O" in front of it.
可它前面没写有"O"啊
You know what does have an "oh" in front of it?
你知道哪句话前面有"O[哦]"吗
"Oh, my God, I'm an astronaut,
"哦 我的天 我现在是宇航员了"
and you're dying of jealousy."
"你就羡慕嫉妒恨吧"
So, what kind of things are they...?
那他们要...
Will you stop that?
你能消停会儿吗
I can't help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.
我忍不住 感觉自己就像是个少女杀手
You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair.
谢尔顿 我以前常给我哥剪头发
I could do it for you.
我也能帮你的
Penny, I know you mean well,
佩妮 我知道这是你的一片好心
offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um,
用你们村里的手艺来帮我 不过呢
we don't churn our own butter,
我们不用搅乳器来搅黄油
we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks,
我们也不用麻袋来做裙子
and, uh, we sure as shootin' don't get our hair cut
我们也很确定不想让一个染黄发的丫头
by bottle-blonde...
来给自己理发
Sheldon, be nice.
谢尔顿 为人要友善
I'm sorry, it's the bad boy attitude
不好意思 有个坏小子的发型
that comes with this hair.
就有个坏小子的脾气
You could go to my guy.
你可以试试我的理发师
He's at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills.
他在比弗利山庄[富人区]的著名美发沙龙
They bring you a cup of tea, they'll massage your scalp.
他们会给你沏茶 会给你按摩头皮
It's about $200, but sometimes you look in the next chair
虽然要两百块 不过没准有时坐在你旁边的
and you see a superstar like Tony Danza.
就是一位超级巨星 比如托尼·丹扎
Quick question here:
快速提问
Have we actually changed the conversation
我们真的已经把话题
from "I'm going to astronaut training"
从"我要去参加宇航员特训"
to "Sheldon can't get a haircut"?
转到"谢尔顿找不到地方理发"了吗
Now who's dying of jealousy?
你看现在是谁在羡慕嫉妒恨
* I'm a cowboy *
* 我是牛仔 *
* On a steel horse I ride *
* 骑着一匹铁马 *
* Dead or alive *
* 亡命天涯 *
you're ruining girlfriend- boyfriend sing-along night.
你把我们的情侣对唱之夜都给毁了
I'm looking for a barber and I'm running out of time.
我在找理发店 我的时间不多了
My hair is growing at the rate
我的头发正以每飞秒
1飞秒等于10的-15次方秒1幺米等于10的-24次方米
of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond.
4.6幺米的速度生长着
I mean, if you're quiet, you can hear it.
你要是安静点 还能听见头发生长的声音
What about Supercuts?
要不去"超级剪"美发沙龙呢
They do men's and women's hair
那里无论男人还是女人
in the same room at the same time.
都坐在同一个房间里一块剪
It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
那简直就像是带有摩丝的罪恶之城
Well, this isn't a crisis.
这件事没那么严重
Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
何不干脆让头发长长点算了
Why don't I let my hair grow out?
何不干脆让头发长长
Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks
那我何不干脆开始穿凉鞋
and seeking validation of my opinions by asking
并用"你喜欢不"这句话
"Can you dig it?"
来求证我的选择
Well, I don't know.
我不知道啊
I think you might look sexy with long hair.
我是觉得你留长头发挺性感的
The kind that flows down to your shoulders
就留那种齐肩长发
and blows back while riding on a horse.
骑马的时候还能随风飘动
Bareback and bare-chested.
马背光溜溜 你胸光溜溜
I'm gonna go brush my teeth; it might take a while.
我要去"刷牙"了 估计得刷一会儿
So tell me all about your first day.
你第一天过得怎么样
Oh, wow, where do I even start?
我该从哪讲起呢
I got to experience zero gravity.
我体验了零重力
Cool. How do they do that?
酷 他们怎么做到的
You get in this plane
你坐进飞机
that goes almost straight up for, like, 20 seconds,
然后垂直上升 历时大概二十秒左右
and then straight back down like it's going to crash, and
然后再跟要坠机一样 垂直下落
they do it over and over again, you know,
如此循环往复
no matter how many times you throw up.
吐到连胆汁都快出来了也没人管
Yeah...and the craziest part is,
是啊 而且最变态的是
because there's no gravity,
因为是零重力环境
the throw-up kind of floats there...
呕吐物就浮在空中
and if your mouth is open
如果你吓得大叫
because you're screaming...
嘴巴张开的话
...sometimes it just floats right back in.
有时呕吐物就会再飘回你嘴里
Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens.
天啊 到时候你就沦为大家的笑柄
That sounds mean.
他们听起来好坏哦
Yeah, I would have laughed, too,
其实我当时也想笑的
but I didn't want the vomit to come back out.
只不过我不想让呕吐物二次飘回我的嘴里
Oh, could you do me a favor
对了 你能不能帮我
and overnight me some more underwear?
连夜快递几条内裤过来
I got a look at the centrifuge
今天看了一眼那台离心机
they're going to spin me around in tomorrow,
明天我要在里面进行高速旋转训练
and I have a hunch I packed a little light.
于是我隐约感觉到我带的内裤不够
They didn't have anything barber-themed in the gift shop,
礼品店里没有任何和理发相关的礼物
so I got you this.
所以我给你买了这个
I don't know if you can read his little T-shirt.
不知道您能不能看见他T恤上的小字
It says, um, "Get well bear-y soon."
上面写着 快点"熊"起来哦
Trust me, if you were even a little conscious right now,
相信我 如果现在您稍微有点意识
you'd be laughing.
肯定也会发笑的
There's new studies that show, people in comas
有一项新的研究表明 昏迷中的人
are aware of everything going on around them.
也能感知到身边发生的一切
With that in mind, if you can hear me,
所以说 如果您现在能听到我说话
move away from the light
请离开您的病床
and toward the sound of these scissors.
跟着这把剪刀的声音走
Can I help you?
有什么可以帮到你吗
Do you have something I could use as a cape?
你这里有类似理发店大围布的东西吗
Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills,
天啊 你是不是把药给吐了
slip out of the ninth floor,
然后从九楼[精神病科]偷溜出来
and go on a little adventure?
跑到这探险来了
I'm just here to get my hair cut.
我只是来找他理发的
J-Jus-Just wait here one moment.
你在这等一下
But not with scissors -- that would be unsafe.
但是不能拿着剪刀 那样太不安全了
So, if I move my horsey here...
要是我把我的小马挪到这来
...isn't that checkmate and I win?
是不是就将军了 我是赢了吧
Well, is it or isn't it?
到底是不是我赢了
You know, I think this is a good stopping point.
我们今天就下到这吧
Uh, it's your first real game.
你第一次下象棋
I threw a lot of information at you.
有太多知识要消化了
I mean, your king is trapped.
你的国王被我困住了
He can't go here because of my lighthouse,
他不能往这走 因为我在这摆了个灯塔[车]
he can't go here because of my pointy-head guy.
他也不能往这走 因为我在这摆了一个尖头小人[象]
Like I said, complicated game.
正如我说的 这个游戏很复杂
So did I win or not?
那我到底赢没赢
Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner.
因为只要你玩得开心了 就算是赢了
That's, that-that's what chess is all about.
象棋就是这样
- Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move. - Eh, why?
-抱歉 谢尔顿 我这就挪开 -何必呢
My spot, your spot-- what difference does it make?
我的位置 你的位置 有区别吗
Okay, what just happened?
好吧 刚刚发生了什么
Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer
一会是你的象棋技术堪比世界冠军
and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot,
一会是谢尔顿不介意你坐了他的位置
I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug,
我估计是有人穿越回去 踩死了只虫子[蝴蝶效应]
and changed the course of human events.
改变了人类的历史进程吧
Uh, sweetie, are you all right?
亲爱的 你没事吧
No, I'm not all right.
不 我有事
It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut
我本来六天前就该剪头发了
and nothing horrible has happened.
除此之外 无大事发生
Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
不好意思 我不懂
Leonard, explain it to her.
莱纳德 给她解释下
Oh, uh, he's crazy.
那个 他疯了
I have spent my whole life
我用了一生时间
trying to bring order to the universe
精心安排我每天该做什么
by carefully planning every moment of every day.
就是想要给这个世界带来秩序
But all my efforts--
而我所有的努力
our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation,
我的晚餐安排 我的睡衣轮换制
my bowel movement spreadsheet--
我的排便情况试算表
I've been wasting my time.
我一直在浪费时间
Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
很好 我要把那恶心的表格从冰箱上拿下来
You know, Sh-Sheldon,
听我说 谢尔顿
sometimes it's nice not knowing what's coming.
有时未来不可预知也挺好的
I mean, look at me and Leonard.
我是说 看我和莱纳德
We went out, we broke up, now we're trying again.
我们约会 分手 现在又试着复合
We don't know what's gonna happen.
我们也不知道未来会怎么样
Oh, please, everyone knows what's going to happen.
得了吧 你们会怎么样大家都心知肚明
But I see your point.
但我懂你们的意思
I think this could be good for you.
我觉得这样对你挺好
Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.
也许你是该有所改变了
I should embrace the chaos.
我应该接受无序的世界
What are you going to do first?
那你先要做什么
I could do anything.
我什么都可以做
All bets are off.
原来的规则通通丢掉
The world is my oyster.
世界由我主宰
I'm going to put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.
我今晚要穿我星期二的睡衣
I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about him.
我得说 我有点担心他
If I were you, I'd be worried that a girl
如果我是你 我会更担心刚有一个
who's never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.
从没下过象棋的女生 让你输得落花流水这个事实
Howie, what happened to you?
华仔 你怎么了
We did overnight survival training in the wilderness.
我们通宵在野外进行生存训练
I was gonna freshen up for you
我本想在跟你视频之前洗把脸
but I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom.
但我在去洗手间的路上 晕过去了一小会儿
Is that like camping?
就像露营那样吗
Except you don't have food or water,
除了没有食物和水
and they don't have a sunset Sabbath service
也不像汉斯·克拉默营那样的
like they do at Camp Hess-Kramer.
日出而作 日落而息
Do you sleep in tents?
你是在帐篷里睡吗
I slept in a hole
我睡在一个洞里
I dug in the ground with my bare hands.
还是我徒手挖的洞
And at some point during the night,
而且晚上的时候
an armadillo crawled in
一只穿山甲爬了进来
I wasn't sure I was going to when the sandstorm hit.
我不知道沙尘暴来时该往哪儿躲
I just pulled my turtleneck up over my head
我只能拉起高领毛衣盖着头
and waited for death.
呆那儿等死
But somehow as I sat there,
但当我坐在那的时候
wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck-sweat,
裹在满是汗味的衣茧里
I found that primal part of the human spirit
我发现了人类精神的真谛
that just wants to keep on living,
就是要活下去
no matter what the cost.
无论付出什么代价
I ate a butterfly.
我吃了只蝴蝶
but I was so hungry.
但我好饿
No, I don't think it's possible.
不 我觉得这不可能
I'm severely dehydrated.
我已经严重脱水了
My pee is like toothpaste.
我的尿就跟牙膏一样稠
Howie, if you're not able to do this, come home.
华仔 如果你坚持不住 就回家吧
It won't change how I feel about you.
我对你的感觉不会变的
Thanks, honey, but I can't quit.
谢了 亲爱的 但我不能放弃
If I do, I'll just be a guy
不然的话 我就是一个
who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
有机会成为宇航员 却中途放弃的人
Well, is there anything I could do to help?
那我能为你做什么吗
Wait. Send more underwear.
等等 再多寄点内裤来
Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
千万别是谢尔顿在打小手鼓
Please don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
拜托千万别是谢尔顿在打小手鼓
Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos?
莱纳德呀 你喜欢我的小手鼓吗
Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.
但我想呀 你没猜到我有小手鼓吧
Sheldon, it's 3:00 o'clock in the morning.
谢尔顿 现在是凌晨三点
3:00 in the morning
凌晨三点呀
is a good time for bongos.
正适合弹小手鼓呀
Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.
莱纳德在睡觉 而我在打小手鼓
Leonard no sleep while I play bongos.
莱纳德被吵醒了 而我在打小手鼓
Stop! Stop! Stop it!
住手 别敲了
Penny, guess what?
佩妮 你猜怎么着
Sheldon got bongos.
谢尔顿有对小手鼓
Why did you get bongos?
为什么你会有小手鼓
Richard Feynman played the bongos.
理查德·费曼会打小手鼓
I thought I'd give that a try.
我就想说我也该试试
Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
理查德·费曼是位著名物理学家
Oh, Leonard, it's 3:00 o'clock in the morning.
莱纳德 现在是凌晨三点
I don't care if Richard Feynman
我才不管理查德·费曼
was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.
是不是我屁股里住着的紫色妖精呢
Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun.
佩妮是假设费曼是紫色妖精
Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.
佩妮忘记要用虚拟语气了
Sheldon, go to bed.
谢尔顿 睡觉去
You have work in the morning.
你明早还有工作要做
Maybe, maybe not.
或许有 或许无
Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.
或许明天我组个小手鼓乐队巡回演出去了
No, no, hang on, uh, uh,
不不 你等等
Roommate Agreement.
根据《室友协议》
No hootenannies,sing-a-longs,
晚十点后不能唱民谣
or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.
伴唱或男声四重唱
Roommate Agreement?
《室友协议》
We are living in a world of chaos.
我们生活在一个无序的世界
Roommate Agreement.
管他狗屁《室友协议》呢
Wherever the music takes me, kitten.
我要跟着音乐走 喵喵
I play bongos walking down the stairs.
我打着小手鼓呀 下着小楼梯呀
Never play bongos walking down the stairs.
千万不要 边打小手鼓边下楼梯
What are you doing here?
你在这干嘛
I'm here to help you get through this.
我是来助你度过难关的
You can't do it on your own,
你自己做不来的
you need someone to take care of you.
你需要有人来照顾你
Oh, I love you so much.
我太爱你了
Howard, your bath is getting cold!
霍华德 洗澡水快凉了
Don't worry, once she falls asleep,
别担心 一旦她睡着
I'll spoon you like an armadillo.
我会像穿山甲一样给你爱的抱抱
He showed up in the middle of the night with his bongos.
昨晚半夜他带着小手鼓出现
I foolishly thought it was some sort of musical booty call.
我错误以为这是某种音乐求欢方式
He must have been exhausted.
他一定精疲力竭了
Sheldon like to sleep while Leonard play the bongo!
谢尔顿想睡着呀 而莱纳德在打小手鼓呀
That was kind of uncalled for.
你这样有点过分吧
No, it was called for.
不 一点也不过分
All right, Sheldon,
好了 谢尔顿
this craziness has gone on long enough.
你也该闹够了
Please come home so I can cut your hair.
拜托回家去 让我给你理发吧
Penny, you're not trained.
佩妮 你没受过培训
You're not licensed.
你也没有执照
Most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
更重要的是 你拿不到我的理发记录
All right, honey, look,
好了 宝贝
we've known each other for a long time now, right?
我们认识很久了 对吧
I've taken you to Disneyland,
我曾带你去过迪斯尼乐园
I kicked a bully in the nuts for you,
我帮你踢过欺负你的恶霸的关键部位
I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick,
你病了我就给你唱《软猫猫》
you've even saw me naked once.
甚至你有次还见过我的裸体
It was a long story.
说来话长
Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing.
谢尔顿 我发誓我不会乱来
Please let me cut your hair.
求你让我帮你理发吧
Amy, what do you think?
艾米 你认为呢
There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
我愿意让她帮我修剪我身上的任何一处毛发
Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.
谢谢你让我睡在你的沙发上
There's only so many times a woman can say,
很少有女人会一直追着男人问
"How about the bed?"
"睡我床上好不好"
What's this about Sheldon seeing you naked?
谢尔顿怎么会见过你的裸体呢
Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.
放心吧 我只看到过她的屁股和乳房
At the end of the haircut,
每次理完发
Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
诺费奥先生都会给我讲个黄色笑话
Sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.
抱歉 我不会说什么黄色笑话
That's okay, I never understood them anyway.
没事 反正我也从来没听懂过
Okay, what do you think?
好了 觉得如何
it's a little Hollywood.
有点好莱坞的感觉
But I think I can pull it off.
不过我觉得我会看习惯的
Well done, Penny.
理得不错 佩妮
Okay, I'm just gonna clean up your neck a little
只需理一下脖子这块的头发
- and then you are good to go. - Fun time.
-你就可以走了 -好玩
Sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
抱歉 有时这剃刀弄得我好痒痒
Okay, yep, we're all done now.
好了 大功告成
It's just... it's good.
只是...挺好的
Let me just take that away from you.
让我帮你把这块布拿下来
- Okay. - Thank you very much.
-好了 -非常感谢
Yeah, I'm gonna have to move.
看来我非搬不可了