Beautiful morning, isn't it?
It's a shame you have to work, huh? Yeah.
Anyway, I'd like a large sausage and pepperoni-
It's my stuff, okay?
Just keep your hands off my stuff!
I didn't put my hands on your stuff.
Hey! Just a second, Derek.
嘿 稍等一下 德里克
What is the problem?
- Alex read my journal. - I did not!
Why would I even want to read your stupid journal?
Because it contains the details of a life,
and you don't have one!
Alex, don't read Haley's journal.
Sorry. My daughters.
- Oh. What grade are you in? - Phil!
-噢 读几年级了 -菲尔
Oh, that's my wife, Claire.
哦 是我老婆 克莱尔
Luke was using my computer for this.
I'm gonna have to, uh, call you back.
He told me he needed it to do homework,
and then I find this, a-a picture...
of a topless woman,
with the biggest boobs I have ever seen, driving a tractor.
Okay. Um- Uh, first of all,
- that's a combine, not a tractor. - Phil!
-那是台联合收割机 不是拖拉机 -菲尔
Phil! It is smut,
and our 10-year-old is looking at smut!
- It's disgusting! - Completely unacceptable.
Here's the thing. That was my picture.
Well, not really mine.
There's this guy at work who sends out these links.
Doesn't matter who.
He sent out another one
of the same woman dressed as a battleship.
You know, the- You get- Yeah.
And then one of the Transformers- And then it-
Anyway, I had every intention of telling Claire.
I just wanted her to calm down first.
Where are you going?
I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover.
We need to talk to him about this now.
Claire, this is a very delicate situation.
If we don't handle it right,
Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about sex...
We'll talk about it when he gets home.
But I am telling him
that every time he looks at porn, God kills a puppy.
Maybe I should be the one to talk to him.
I am a very lucky woman.
I have a wonderful family,
There's nothing that I would change.
I hate the dog butler.
I keep forgetting it's there. And every time it happens,
it scares me all over again.
Sometimes, at night,
I think it's the devil.
Barkley? He's hilarious.
I was in Vegas last month and I was winning.
And I thought, I could do the usual,
be a chump, give the money back to the casino,
or I could do something smart
and buy something for myself at the casino store.
He's already a family favorite.
Rub his chin, a little under there. He likes that.
抚摸他的下巴 再往下一点 他喜欢那样
There you go. Beautiful. There you go.
好了 超帅的 太上镜了
He's a dog and a butler. I mean, who couldn't love him?
他是条狗 也是个管家 谁会不爱他
- Okay, ready to go. - Make sure you pee first.
-好了 可以走了 -你先尿一泡吧
What am I, seven years old?
No. You do not want to go during the show.
The marionettes stop what they're doing,
march to the edge of the stage and point at you.
- Okay, that sounds terrifying. - No, it's really funny.
-好吧 听着好吓人 -其实很搞笑
Oh, one of my favorite childhood memories
was attending the Moscow Marionette Theater.
I grew up one mile away from Missouri's largest waterslide.
And third largest in the country.
Oh, really, Cam. You never mentioned that before.
是吗 小卡 以前从没听你提过呢
- You feel like- - Feel like a torpedo.
Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?
嘿 小卡 我们家园丁通常周六来工作吗
I don't know. He comes when we need him.
我不知道 我们需要他时 他就会过来
He's like Batman but straight.
Oh, yeah. We should probably go out the back, huh?
是啊 我们或许 该从后门出去
He's clearly in pain.
How can you just turn your back on a friend like that?
A friend? Really? What's his name?
朋友 是吗 他叫什么名字
You made that up. You were gonna say "Caesar Salad."
- Was not. - Cam. Come on. Really?
-才不是呢 -小卡 别 不是吧你
All right, don't worry, Lily.
好吧 别担心 莉莉
I'm sure we'll get to the show on time.
I'm sure Dad is just gonna go out
and give an encouraging word to the gardener,
hopefully mention the snail problem,
and then we are gonna be on- - No.
No, no. Cam, no-
不 小卡 不要啊
- Hello. - I don't think he speaks English.
Okay, this might be a good time to mention to you...
that the marionettes are not kind to latecomers.
They bend over and show their bloomers.
Okay, I speak a little Spanish. Seor-
听着 我会说一点西班牙语 先生
I just asked him if he wanted to have a glass of water...
and sit down for a minute,
like any kind person would.
Okay, I checked the rest of the computers in the house.
I didn't find any more porn.
That was hardly porn.
It was a topless woman on a tractor.
You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.
- I should go talk to him. - Honey,
honey, honey. I got this. I got this.
亲爱的 交给我吧 交给我吧
No, no, no, no. I got this. I got this.
不不不 交给我吧 让我来吧
I was his age once.
Breasts are like these scary, mystical things...
that he's drawn to like Frodo to Mordor.
- Okay, I'm definitely going- - No, no, no, no, no.
Boys don't want their moms talking to 'em about sex...
any more than girls want their dads talking to 'em about periods,
bras and girdles and all that stuff.
You do know that women stopped wearing girdles, like, 30 years ago?
Honey, I know, I know.
亲爱的 我知道 我知道
That-That-That is exactly the kind of sexual revolution...
that our son is going through right now.
So, just- Let's just- just trust it.
Fix that step. Just know,
I will handle this, okay?
do you have any idea why Barkley was in the guest room?
I was just doing a little redecorating.
Sometimes it's good to move things around
just to see how they look.
Yeah, but the guest room? That's crazy.
是啊 但放在客房里 也太疯狂了吧
He's not a guest. He works for us.
Hey, give me a hand here, will you?
嘿 帮我个忙 可以吗
I think his jacket shifted while I was moving him.
We can't have you untucked, our little butler.
That doesn't make any sense, does it, boy?
What was that? Is he all right?
Ay, no. My bracelet got
- caught a little bit here. - Well, don't panic.
- I'm not panicking. - All right, try to relax.
-我没慌 -很好 试着放松
Let me take a better look. Come here, boy.
让我好好看看 来 宝贝
- Luke? - Hey, Dad.
-卢克 -嘿 老爸
Hey, buddy. Um, look.
嘿 小老弟 听着
You and I need to have a little talk.
- About what? - Well, it's about computer stuff.
-关于什么 -关于 电脑方面的
How do you make sure you've deleted something after you read it?
Sorry, Jay. It was an accident.
抱歉 杰 纯属意外
You know, I'm beginning to think you don't like Barkley that much.
I mean, first you hide him in the guest room, and now this.
It's ridiculous. I didn't mean to hurt it.
First of all, let's cut the "It"s. He is a he.
首先 请别再用"它"了 是"他"
And you can pretend to be innocent all you want,
but action speaks louder than words.
Yeah. They can be very revealing.
What are you trying to say?
Nothing. But you have to admit
that the dog butler is a little ridiculous.
You know what else I think is ridiculous?
That mountain of pillows you have on our bed.
I feel like I'm working on a loading dock
just trying to get under the covers.
- They're pretty. - They're a damn nuisance.
Okay, forgive me for trying to make our home beautiful.
You know, if I can put up with those,
you can put up with a piece of art.
This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.
But, fine, if you love it so much, put it wherever you want.
行 如果你那么爱它 随你放哪儿吧
Thank you. Where you going? To get some more pillows?
谢谢 你要去哪儿 去买更多的枕头吗
No, don't worry. It'll be a long
不 别担心 很长时间内
time before I bother you again with my pillows.
Why is Dad in Luke's room with the door closed?
They are having a little talk.
Is Luke being punished?
Is that just your favorite thing,
when your brother or sister gets into trouble?
My favorite is when they're both in trouble.
Did he cheat on a test? He's a cheater.
He did not cheat on a test.
- Did he lie? He lies all the time. - Alex.
-他撒谎了吗 他整天撒谎 -艾丽克斯
- Alex. - Sorry. I'm just worried about Luke.
-艾丽克斯 -抱歉 我只是担心卢克
A lot of parents are hitting again.
I appreciate your concern,
but your father has it under control.
Flincher! Free slap. Bring it up.
缩手了 让我打 快伸出来
- Can I be on the bottom now? - Yep.
Well, he was really embarrassed,
but everything's- everything's fine now.
- What'd you say? - Well, you know,
-你怎么教育他的 -那个 其实
I kinda promised him we'd keep everything between us.
he'd be mortified if you brought it up with him... ever.
- Oh, God, really? - Yeah.
-天啊 真的吗 -是啊
That actually makes me feel kinda bad.
Well, you're probably just feeling a little tense from all this.
You know what might help the situation?
Really? Right now?
I meant going out for a few pizzas.
Where's your mind?
I guess I live in a house full of sex maniacs.
We can't help you if you won't come out.
- What'd he say? - Something "House" Something.
Come on. The show starts in a half hour,
and we still have to pick up Manny.
Can we just- Come on. Move this thing along!
Okay, this man is in crisis.
He could have a family health issue
or a personal health issue or a financial matter.
Stop. You're getting all this from "Something house something"?
Let's just call Gloria and have her deal with it, okay?
"Lt" Is a human being, Mitchell.
-Named Caesar Salad. - Okay.
- What's going on with you? - Cam, you- you always do this.
-你是怎么回事 -小卡 你老是这样
It's like you're incapable of hearing anyone's sad story...
without making it your job to fix it.
And then, my needs- my needs come second.
Your needs right now...
are a puppet show.
This man could have lost his brother in a cable car accident.
You understood "Casa."
Okay, fine. If it'll prove to you...
好吧 行 如果能向你证明
that I'm not the obsessive helpaholic that you make me out to be,
let's go to the puppet show.
- Cam. - Let's go.
I think this has something to do with the gardener.
- Just down the hall to the right. - Ay. Gracias, gracias.
-走到走廊尽头向右转 -谢谢 谢谢
- Perdn. - In there. Okay.
- Okay, let's go. - No, please.
-好了 走吧 -不 算了
I know it's killing you
not to get back there in the middle of that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. We are going.
These folks can find their own way out.
And now you'll know that I'm not a
manic Mother Teresa out there collecting lost souls.
- Dad? - Back here.
Didn't you get the message? He's not going.
- What? - Ah, some mandatory cleanup at school.
- What's the real reason? - It's a puppet show, Mitch.
-到底是什么原因 -那是个木偶秀啊 米奇
Perfect. All right, it's just you and me then, Lily.
很好 那就剩你 我和小莉莉去了
- How's the little fortune cookie? - Ah, she-she's good. She's good.
-小家伙怎么样 -她很好 她很好
- Where's Cam? - We got into a fight.
Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos.
Welcome to my world.
So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?
He just can't say no to anybody who needs help.
And why do you have to always
add the word "Gay" Where it doesn't belong?
Hey, hey, you're not mad at me.
You're mad at the old balls and chain.
Okay, Dad, good talk. See you later.
好吧老爸 谈话很愉快 再见了
Come on, I didn't mean it.
Hey, I didn't mean it. I'm a little cranky.
嘿 我真不是有心的 我有点不爽
I got into it with Gloria a little bit.
Oh, no. What happened?
Ah, she hates Barkley.
It's the same stuff I went over with your mom all the time.
"Get rid of the boat." "Get rid of the motorcycle."
You know, I liked those things.
Why do you have to get rid of it then?
You know, actually, I don't.
Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here. His hand came off.
Rough day, Dad.
Your hot, young wife doesn't like your doll.
Yeah, unlike your big problem,
"My boyfriend's too nice to people."
No, see- mmm- that's not all it is.
He helps animals.
He's always volunteering for things.
Trust me. It-lt's worse than it sounds.
Who are we kidding? We both got it pretty good.
Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom
more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this thing.
A bird fell out of a tree
and he fed it with an eyedropper.
Just drop it, kid.
We're both with people different from us,
and that's gonna create stuff, but you want different.
Your mom and I were perfect on paper
and you know how that ended.
What I got now is a lot better.
Sure, people look at us sometimes.
And sometimes even I can't believe we're together.
But we're happy. At the end of the day
但我们很幸福 归根到底 夜晚来临时
There's no one I'd rather come home to.
You mean Gloria.
I'll see you later.
Did you draw on my poster?
Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think
是啊 是我干的 或许下次
about that the next time you read my journal.
I didn't read your stupid journal,
and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.
Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.
That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Oh, sorry. I don't follow the WNBA.
You know what? This is the worst thing you've ever done,
and I'll never forgive you!
- What are you looking at? - Well, I just heard-
I was the one who read Haley's diary.
I was playing on her computer and it just opened.
Okay, I opened it.
But I didn't mean for anyone to fight.
Oh,ome already. Mitchell, hi..
噢 回来得这么快 米奇 嗨
- Hi, Cam. Hi. - Did you forget the tickets?
-嗨 小卡 -你是忘了带票吗
No. You know, I was never gonna enjoy the show without you, so-
Oh. But you were so excited
to take Lily to see the Russian marionettes.
Oh, she's probably a little young anyway.
We can just prop her in front of the dryer for a half hour.
I-I love that you try and help the world,
and I'm very lucky to have you in my life.
How'd everything work out with the gardener?
Turned out it was his wedding day, and he was a little nervous.
But you know what? There's no need to apologize.
No, I need to. I've been very selfish.
不 我一定要 我太自私了
No, no. Sometimes I take things too far.
Okay. If that ever happens, I will let you know.
好吧 如果那样 我会提醒你的
Is there a reason I can't go inside?
Y ahora te pronuncio hombre y esposa.
Mom, can I talk to you?
Sure, honey. What's going on?
当然了 宝贝 什么事
I feel bad about something I did.
Oh, sweetie. Is this about the computer?
- Yeah. - Something you shouldn't have been looking at?
Yeah. It was just so freaky.
- I couldn't stop looking. - I know, sweet pea.
-我看了一眼就停不下来 -我懂的 宝贝
- But the important thing is you did stop looking. - Yeah.
After about an hour.
Okay. Well, it's perfectly normal to be curious about these things.
Some parts were funny.
And some parts just seemed crazy.
Well, I hope you realize that some of those parts weren't real.
But they can be totally real, right?
- Like Anne Frank's? - What?
All I know is it really made me wonder about Haley.
That's disturbing, sweetie. Why Haley?
真愁人 宝贝 为什么是海莉
It was her journal.
You read my journal? You little creep!
I'm sorry! I couldn't help it.
Wait. Haley's journal too?
- Luke, you are now banned from the computer. - What?
-卢克 从今以后不准你接近电脑 -什么
What happened? Who's in trouble?
- Luke read my journal! - I told you it wasn't me!
- You know, I'm gonna kill you. - Haley, calm down.
-我要宰了你 -海莉 冷静
Wait, you're not even gonna yell at him? That was private.
等等 你都不打算吼他几句吗 那是隐私啊
Oh, please. The most shocking thing in there was your spelling.
Am I the only one who hasn't read it?
I was looking through the computers in the house for pornography.
- Sick. - Not for me.
I wanted to see what you guys are looking at.
So you're violating our privacy.
When I find out that my children...
are looking at a naked picture online,
they don't have any privacy.
- Who was looking at naked pictures? - That doesn't matter.
Wasn't me. That's gross. I'm 10!
也不是我 真恶心 我才10岁
- Wait a minute. - What's wrong with you people?
If it wasn't you, who was it?
- Rosa, thank you for coming. - Gracias.
-洛萨 谢谢你赶来 -谢谢
Carlos, let me know how it works out with that dentist.
Victor, you owe me a dance.
Yes, I'm a caring person.
And without Mitchell,
I would just keep giving and giving and giving.
我会一直不断地奉献 奉献 奉献
I'm like a big runaway charity truck
and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel.
He knows how to say no.
He always can put himself first.
He certainly can turn his back on someone suffering.
No, really. Keep going.
不 真的 继续说啊
- He- - Don't keep going!
- Muchas gracias. - Hey, good-bye.
-非常感谢 -嘿 再见
Looks like I missed the party, huh?
What is- What is that doing here?
- He is a gift for you and Cam. - Thank you.
He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.
- Well, they love that. - Let's put him here for now.
- I don't want that. - I think he's cute.
Let's give him a chance.
I came as soon as I heard your message.
You said that somebody was getting married?
Gloria, there you are. I've got good news.
歌洛莉亚 你来啦 我有好消息要告诉你
That picture was just something that someone sent me.
Doesn't matter who.
Anyway, I don't do that stuff.
You're all the porn I need. That's- Uh-
I couldn't care less about the picture.
I was just upset when I thought it was Luke.
Haley, honey, I really wish
海莉 宝贝 我真的希望
you would give me a hand with all this laundry.
Haley's off in her own world.
Alex has never really been a kid.
But Luke is my baby.
Is it really too much to ask
that he stay a sweet, innocent kid...
Hey, buddy. Um- Here. Sorry.
嘿 老弟 听着 抱歉
We'll dribble later.
Um, I just, uh- I just want to say I'm sorry.
I never meant to blame you for that whole picture thing.
Your mom sort of thought it was yours
and I should have stopped it, but I didn't.
So what was the picture of?
Well, it was a woman on a tractor and she had her shirt off.
Okay, we're being honest here.
Um, this particular woman-
Well, my tastes do run to the curvy,
and the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit.
Couple that with the cutoff jeans-
And you were asking about the weather, weren't you?
Well, this is good. This is good.
You're gonna be going through some changes soon.
And I think now you can feel safe talking to me about whatever.
Sadly, I've been summarily dismissed
from the employ of Masters Cameron and Mitchell.
The former being an utter delight,
and the latter being a humorless snoot.
Just come on. Get him in the car. The thrift shop's closing.
快点 把他弄上车 旧货店要关门了
What is this exciting thrift shop you speak of?
Many of my relatives were taken out of their homes...
to be released into the green pastures in their maturity-
- Did you just say "Matoority?" - Unhand me, you brute!
-你刚说了"尘脸猴"吗 -放开我 你个禽兽
I'll pay you. I'm a comfortable man.
I've been stealing from your father for days.
Oh, is there any better feeling in the world
than having your ears flap in the wind?
You know what? Get out.
You mean it? Sweet freedom?
No, not you, Barkley. Cameron, out.
不 不是说你 巴克利 卡梅隆 滚下车