Jimmy, if you're thinking of getting into ski porn,
it's a niche audience and the work is seasonal.
I have it all worked out, Gretchen--
what I saw from my tree house last night:
my father is no longer a force in my life,
thus, everything I am and have is suspect,
acquired or decided, as it all were,
in the context of being "Ronny's son,"
Which I am no longer, thus, reevaluation.
但我从今以后不再是那样了 因此 需要重新评估
It's all up for review.
So, I'm making a pros and cons list of everything in my life
to work out whether I still need it or not.
- Oh, boy. - It's the perfect post-emotional analytic tool
to determine the inherent,
unsullied qualitative value of anything.
Pros: petite, efficient, comely.
利 小巧便携 好用好看
Cons: literally no place for you in the digital world.
Good-bye, old girl.
Pros: strong tassels, I look fantastic in it.
利 流苏质量不错 我系着超好看
Cons: I saw Moby wearing the same one on the cover of Yoga Life.
And there's the answer.
Right. My stuff...
there's your stuff...
Fine! Jesus Christ!
Fine, Jimmy. Do your insane, idiotic thing and get this over with.
行了 吉米 继续发疯发傻吧 赶快完事
Gretchen pro-con list, go.
You and your stupid tree house.
I swear, I wish
I'd never mentioned Dead Poets Society in front of you.
You literally just did the standing on the desk thing,
The quicker we do this, the quicker we can move on with our lives.
I have stuff to do for Shitstain and Jaclyn's elopement party.
Bet your ass he's not making a list.
Here are two things to start off your pro list.
Bam! Carpe those diems.
瞧 有容奶大 及时行乐
I slept in gum again?
this is gonna be a waste of your time.
The end result is gonna be, "Damn, she's awesome."
That list was pointless.
"Wasted all that paper and ink.
Sorry trees. Sorry squids."
对不起了 树们 乌贼们"
Wait, is that how you think we get ink?
I don't get it. A pros and cons list about you?
Oh, who cares? We all have negative shit
we think about everyone in our lives.
Yeah, but writing it down makes it real.
Like Web sites or fortune cookies.
So, how'd Paul react to the news that you're leaving him?
Ain't told him yet.
First I got to set myself up, get my own place.
And it'll be so phat
because I'll be getting those sweet monthly checks from the prenup.
Wait, what? You have a prenup?
Yeah, Paul was like, "Oh, honey, we don't need one."
But uh-uh, I didn't fall for that shit.
So, like a boss, I made him.
Lindsay, you ding-dong.
A prenup protects the wealthier person, him,
in a divorce from giving his money to the poorer person, you.
Are you goddamn kidding me?
And you let me get an abortion?!
I had a ticket to 18 years of dough
and you let me flush my ticket?
Do the most important thing first: tell Paul.
Once you do that, you can figure out your life.
Now I have to get a stupid job.
Can I have a job?
That's gonna be a hard no.
So, I got a bunch of ideas about that restaurant concept.
You know, savory cereal?
Two words: Beefy Pebbles.
We'll talk later.
Ooh, excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me?
打扰下 打扰下 打扰下
Did-did you call him?
Yes, I called him. I can't believe he's late, man.
是的 打过了 难以置信他迟到了
I can. He's been the worst best man ever.
He lost the ring at the Monterey Aquarium tide pool.
Said a sea anemone took it.
Does that even sound plausible to you?
Do you know how slow a sea anemone is?
- There he is. - Where's the navy suit?
Oh, nah, blood, this is it.
I just got the pants hemmed and the jacket taken in.
Then it still was a total piece of shit,
so I lit it on fire and bought something dope instead.
You're fired as best man.
Nutz, you're giving the toast tonight.
Okay, idiot, good luck with this mush-mouth.
好吧 白痴 让这口齿不清的人当伴郎 祝好运了
Fool can't even leave a simple voice mail.
Always be like, "Uh... Call me back. Uh..." Click.
Y-Yo, you know public speaking is one of my greatest fears.
It's public speaking, heights and waking up
当众讲话 在高处 清晨醒来
with a scorpion in my mouth.
We're professional public speakers.
Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.
Uh, when I'm not rapping, I'm just Zachary from Reseda,
that likes hard cider
and losing myself in a graphic novel.
I don't mean no disrespect, by that.
I don't, I don't. I'm just saying...
没有 没有 我只是说...
Shouldn't you be trying to shoot down Snoopy?
I went a little crazy with the purge.
Got rid of all my outerwear and my underwear.
I'm currently wearing one of Edgar's bathing suits.
Jimmy, I've thought about your pros and cons list,
and I think it's only fair that you show it to me.
Gretchen, I'm undergoing
a really painful process of reevaluation.
Now, if you could just respect my privacy,
I'd really appreciate it.
Fine, I hear you. You have my word.
好吧 懂了 我保证
Oh, yeah. Ooh, a zipper!
I can't get through that.
I'm gonna go shake gifts, see if anything sounds expensive.
This is my wife, Jaclyn.
- What a dick. - Don't worry, he's an asshole.
-真是个混蛋 -别在意 他是个混球
- What do you think? - Amazing!
Shitstain in the house!
Friends coming together.
Old couples falling in love again.
Plus, you can totally steal a chair at a wedding.
I've done it so many times.
Most of my chairs are wedding chairs.
He wants me to come up with five sketch ideas by tomorrow.
I guess I better start brainstorming.
Wait, you're gonna work at a wedding?
I don't have a choice, Dorothy.
I mean, this is a huge opportunity.
I-I got to nail it.
Bride. Groom. Broom.
新娘 新郎 扫帚
Here comes... the broom?
This might not take long after all.
Cool. So just go do your very important work,
and I'll just wander around by myself, like a loser.
How'd he get that?
All right, I fired him to hire you.
好吧 我开除了他 选择了你
These aren't your words you're writing.
- How'd you get that? - What?
I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Listen one more time.
My client wants 100% ostrich feathers.
I don't care. Just wait until they stick their heads in the ground
and then slit their throats.
Hey, how'd you get that?
Well, I started a fashion blog.
Then Tavi Gevinson retweeted me.
Then I dressed Parker Posey for the Good Wife premiere.
Before I knew it, I was a stylist.
- I love your jacket, by the way. - Thanks.
-顺便说下 我喜欢你的外套 -谢谢
My trick is I just buy a cheap jacket,
replace the buttons with doper ones,
and tell everyone I got it in Italy.
But not Little Italy. The big Italy.
I really like your pocket square, too.
Thanks. Those are my panties.
What's up with you?
Got fired as the best man.
Group's turning into a bunch of pussies anyway!
Honey Nutz is getting his knuckles waxed
for his appearance on Poker After Dark.
Shitstain getting married
with no thought to how it will affect our careers.
I ain't trying to rap about kids or poker!
Ain't nothing rhyme with "Poker."
So what are you gonna do?
What can I do? He went and changed his whole life,
and I don't even got a say in it.
Hey, you guys are a team.
If you feel like you're losing control of your future,
Your actions affect each other.
My actions do affect each other.
I don't like how you just repeated that verbatim
with a glint in your eye, but, yeah,
you got to take charge of your... future.
Now you have the glint, too, bitch.
Bitch, I ain't got no glint!
Okay, how's this for a sketch idea?
A guy who takes everything literally.
That's kind of the first sketch that everybody comes up with.
That or 50-hour Energy.
Oh, man. That'd be so much energy.
Hey, look. It's Brian Posehn.
That is not Brian Posehn.
I took tickets for Brian Posehn's one-man show,
like, a decade ago.
I used to party with all those comics.
The one thing I know is who is who in comedy,
and I know that that is not Brian Posehn.
Oh. I guess it is him.
I should go talk to him.
Maybe I could bounce some ideas off him.
Excuse me. Champagne?
I'll leave it in the bathroom later under the soap.
Excuse me, where's the restroom?
Can I help you?
Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend
left his heart attack medication in his coat.
Yeah, do you have a claim ticket?
Ignore the bruise.
I just needed a ticket to know which coat to get.
Oh, uh, yeah. It's the really ugly bomber jacket.
Fine. Two can play at that game.
Yeah, whatever you say, Gr...
What? Hang on. What are you doing?
什么 等等 你在做什么
Um, I'm making a pros and cons list about you.
No. No. You can't do that.
Pros and cons list is my thing.
Oh, another con: possessiveness of ideas.
Just to balance it out.
Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought 25 was young to get married,
but when you know you found the one...
25? Wow, that's... that's a good age.
I tested for Ugly Betty when I was 25.
Uh, that's actually just for the bride...
It's only fair I warn you what you're getting into with us.
Our lifestyle is straight bananas.
Touring, staying out late,
living off gum and Code Red.
It can be rough on bitches.
Yes, Sam, I know. Don't worry.
山姆 我都了解的 别担心
I am very pragmatic.
You have to maintain a certain image for the fans.
Nothing will change.
At least until we have a baby.
But we aren't planning on starting a family until at least a year.
A human-ass baby?
Seems like just yesterday we were skating on Fairfax,
stealing leftovers from Orthodox Jews coming out of Canter's.
Now everything's getting so serious.
Sam, things change.
I know it's scary, but... you'll be okay.
我知道那很可怕 但 你会没事的
- What the hell?! - What?
I can't believe he just did that.
Sam tried to kiss me!
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I'm sorry! I'm just highly upset!
This is all happening so fast.
First, you settling down. And as soon as someone agrees
to go on a date with Zachary, you know he gonna
- grab on tight and never let go. - Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Are you talking about someone specific?
Because if someone has expressed interest,
- I'm available. - Look, if you're afraid
that this is going to affect our work, it's not.
We signed our million-year pledge.
It ain't the work.
I'm just afraid I'm losing my best friends.
Sam, you're never going to lose me as a friend.
Look, why don't you and Zachary give the speech together.
Both of you are my best men.
Let's go work on that speech.
I go first, obviously.
You know you can't be friends with him anymore, right?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Okay, so far, I have "Takes up too much room in bed,"
"Eats pizza with a fork."
So you're making a list of dumb little negative things about him?
Is this the dude that wore the bomber jacket?
That feels like one.
Alex said you were gonna put the coke in the bathroom, man.
What? I left it under the soap.
Dude, I bet you Alex took it.
Look, I'm not sure I want to get involved
in this cereal restaurant thing if we can't trust him.
So, the guy's, like...
"The boss is up my butt,"
taking everything literally, right?
puts his mouth to the guy's butt,
and he's like, "Are you in there, Mr. Hendrickson?
That's hilarious, man.
So good to see you again.
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
We worked together on your one-man show.
Remember after that one show at Birds,
you dared me to eat an entire rotisserie chicken
But then people kind of felt sorry for me, and...
it was kind of a downer all told,
and not ultimately worth it comedically.
Still grinding away at the old improv.
Been doing it, gosh, like, a decade now.
But, yeah, my boyfriend here, he goes and does it
但是 我这位男朋友 只是稍微展示了下才华
for literally an hour and gets a job, but...
I've got chore monkey shifts, so-- you know what that is?
Someone literally pays you just over minimum wage
to clean out their fridge, for an example,
and, uh, if you're real lucky, when you get there,
it's your ex-boyfriend from college.
Hey, uh, how much do I have to pay you
to end this conversation?
Uh, hey, why-why don't I take you home?
No. No, you're networking.
That was rough. Sorry.
Hey, uh, I found some cocaine in the bathroom.
I'm looking for an assistant stylist.
I've stylisted before!
I-I dressed this rapper, and we wrote a song
and smoked a, um... A professional job thingie.
Well, I'd love to run through a few questions with you.
But you need to know that there is travel required.
You'd have to come with me to Paris a couple of times a year...
Um, I'll be right back.
I don't know, you tell me:
is an emu the same thing as an ostrich?
Can you believe this?
Sweetie, I think it's amazing that you want to work, but...
亲爱的 我觉得你想工作很棒 但是...
it's only ethical that you tell her you're with child.
Paul, this woman dressed Porter Potty
for The Good Life premiere
after being retweeted by Crabby Applepants.
She likes me. Let me handle this.
Poachers can be so unreliable.
Anyway, tell me about you guys.
- Do you have any children? - Nope.
well, that's not entirely accurate.
Do not take this from me, Paul.
It's entirely accurate.
Ma'am, despite my wife's objections,
I feel we have an ethical obligation
to inform you of something.
Lindsay, I can't let you mislead her.
No! I'm not pregnant, Paul. There is no baby.
不 我没怀孕 保罗 孩子没有了
I had an abortion.
Lindsay, don't lie to her.
I'm not lying. Gretchen drove me.
There was a pie flight. I talked to a sign lady.
Also, I'm leaving you.
So this is the big Paris, right?
所以 是要去大巴黎 对吧
The one with the bread?
You guys seem like you need some time alone.
Why don't you call me when you...
figure all this out.
Paul, are you okay?
I am allowed to reassess my life.
You have no say in it.
So I'm just supposed to wait around
until you think I'm worthy of being your girlfriend?
That's bullshit, dude.
Just tell me one of the things on your list.
Okay, fine. But only if you tell me one of yours.
好吧 行 但前提是你也说一项你的
"I can't see having kids with her."
I'm afraid you'll never be successful.
All right, everybody, quiet down. Quiet down.
好了 各位 肃静 肃静
I'm Sam. This is my boy Zachary.
Now, we know why we're here today.
Dale and Jaclyn went and eloped,
because they were too cheap to throw a proper wedding.
"Two people haven't gotten married that fast
since Immigration came for my mom's gardener."
It's true that this courtship was kind of quick,
when your shadow looks like a broomstick with an afro,
you lock down the first girl that lets you touch her titties!
"This-this dude is so ugly...
"His dad left his family
and asked to go to jail."
All joking aside,
it may seem like they ain't been dating that long,
but when it's the person you're meant to be with,
you know right away.
And as you get to know them,
you only grow to love them more.
uh, "Even if it doesn't work out,
we all got some wack-ass ceviche out of it, right?"
Sorry about that kiss thing. I apologize.
I know he stole it. He's the one.