What's international night?
It's this thing we do with Olivia to broaden her palette.
You and she each pick a country,
you do a little presentation on it,
I pick the winner, and we order food from there.
Oh, my God. Just pick France, wear a beret,
天啊 你就选法国 戴个贝雷帽
say a fact, and you're done.
Okay. I'll do your stupid report.
And afterwards, I'm gonna suck all the skin off your dick,
Speaker phone! Child in the kitchen!
Not that we don't value
listening to you describe fellatio so graphically
that I just got vomit saliva,
but what are we doing here?
You guys said you wanted to diversify your audience, right?
Trying to get that "Shower with the LED mood-lighting" money.
Which is why I want to introduce you to a client of mine
who's looking to collaborate.
His name is Ben Folds.
You mean that Billy Joel, Harry Potter-looking dude?
Yes. He is huge with college educated, affluent white people.
If you guys did a song together, it would be massive.
I don't want to just throw out the phrase,
"Plays over the Grey's Anatomy credits,"
Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're in.
You guys are gonna love him,
and I will be there to make sure everything goes smoothly.
This is Sam and Shitstain.
Guys, this is Ben.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Really good to meet you.
This is a really nice place.
You think they serve alcohol?
Uh, yeah. I-I think so.
- Hey, could we get some alcohol? - Sure.
-你好 可以点酒吗 -当然
I'll just have whatever your whiskey drink is.
Ooh, that sounds amazing.
Yeah, I'll have one, too.
Damn, you must be thirsty as shit.
It's just that back in North Carolina,
there are all these regulations on hours and distributors,
and we definitely don't have your crazy mixed drinks
like you have out here.
I mean, basil in gin?
Your taste buds are like, "What the heck?"
these guys are really excited about the idea of collaborating.
I've been a huge fan since "Pussy On Swole."
I mess around with it in sound check all the time.
♪Girl got pussy on swole, uh♪
♪She makin' me crabby♪
♪Uh, I want her heart♪
♪And I want her soul♪
♪And them titties♪
♪Them titties ain't shabby.♪
Damn, dude. That's tight.
操 哥们 唱得太好了
Yeah, I like that shit. Okay, okay.
没错 我喜欢这个版本的 很不错嘛
Why don't we link up at the studio tomorrow night,
and lay something down?
Whoa, look at all that alcohol.
Oh, I guess you're having one, too.
So, what's the big news?
Jimmy, The Width of a Peach
is number 13 on The New York Times
Best Seller list for Mass-Market, paperback Fiction.
I have to admit, I tried to act like
making the Amazon list wasn't a massive disappointment,
but let's face it, it's like winning a Daytime Emmy.
You're burnt, Ellen.
So, we have to ride the momentum. There's Harry,
with Harry Connick Jr., very big with women.
Watch What Happens Live, women and gays.
The People's Choice Awards,
women, gays, teens, plus general dummies.
女人 基佬 青少年 还有一众傻瓜
I can read you the loser suggestions.
Uh, let's see. Tomorrow night is Tip of My Tongue,
an NPR game show for dweebs,
hosted by Steeb Corniglia.
Steeb Corniglia loves me.
Impressing him would be the ideal way
to show that I can write a hot wanker
and still have the respect of a noted literary critic.
Book me on that show.
I didn't exactly know what you meant by
"Grab work clothes from France."
Are you fake going to Paris again?
No, it's just for this dumb thing
I'm doing with Boone tomorrow.
An Eiffel Tower?
Jealous. Who's your third?
But I'm gonna see you afterwards at Jimmy's radio thingy, right?
but I'm supposed to be helping people right now,
like Lou Diamond Philips told me to.
What radio thingy?
"Please join me tomorrow night
"For a live taping of NPR's Tip of My Tongue.
You can laugh at my delightful jokes
and whatever hilariously tragic look
Steeb has concocted for the evening."
I could help Steeb not look so tragical.
I'm full of good clothes ideas.
I'm like an armoire, but I'm a people.
Want me to see if I can get you in?
Jimmy didn't invite me. Nah, nephew.
I'm doing international night with Boone.
What's international night?
More boring dad shit?
Don't be sleeping on dads.
Dads know how to bang down real good,
on account of they pregged up a bitch before.
Happy French day, Booner.
Kuwait seeks OPEC oil cuts.
Well, if you Ku-wait on producing that oil,
I'll sleep like I-raq.
I remember my first time in Kuwait.
It was 113 degrees, which sounds bad,
but actually, the pools of blood were...
Eject! Right, so,
we have covered current events, historical limericks,
quirky human interest.
I think Steeb and his listeners are gonna be blown away
by what's on the tip of my tongue.
- What is it? - What's gonna be on there?
- Oh. I get it. - Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.
-明白了 -哦是的 没错
- Jokes. Jokes. - Yeah, right.
-段子 就是段子 -没错
You want a little insurance?
Explain, Edgar's friend.
You have a plant in the crowd
shout out a lame, prepared heckle
that you have a great comeback for.
It's called a "Mencia."
Isn't Vernon gonna be there?
- He'll do it. - Great idea.
I'm sorry Jimmy isn't a good friend to you.
I always listen to anything you have to say.
Thanks, man. That means a lot.
谢谢你 兄弟 那对我意义重大
I'm not really great about opening up.
Why don't you tell me what you were gonna tell Jimmy earlier,
but he didn't let you?
You see, I was stationed in Kuwait before moving into Anfal.
And Anfal, it's known for its architecture, right?
No, its genocide. So there we were,
不 是种族灭绝 所以我们到了那儿
three klicks south of Ali Sabah Al-Salem...
Check. One, two, check.
试麦 一二 试麦
So stoked to be here.
Truth be told, I've been on for 72 straight hours,
and I'm kind of seeing a lot of spiders made out of light.
But I'm good to go.
I got a Camelback full of Casamigos and Monster Energy.
Right. I need your help with a super-secret heckle.
If you hear me say the words, "That was a squeaker,"
You yell out this prewritten quip
for which I have prepared a killer comedic response.
He needs my help.
No need to be timorous.
I love meeting my fans.
No. I don't know any of this dork crap.
I'm a friend of Jimmy's,
Ooh, I adore Jimmy.
Between you and me,
it felt like a cacodoxy to be sidetracked by a genre experiment.
Listen, I thought you might be looking for someone
to update your "Tragic look."
Czesc. My country is Poland.
Nice choice. What, was Kyrgyzstan already taken?
选得真好 怎么 吉尔吉斯斯坦已经被选走了吗
Poland is the ninth largest country in Europe.
They boast 17 Nobel Prize winners,
and their main foods are pierogies,
kielbasa and golumpkies.
Spoiler alert: this bitch is toast.
From the beginning, I was screwed.
My mom's uterus was L-shaped.
That's why I have equilibrium problems.
And then in the fourth grade, my friend pooped his pants,
so I did, too, out of solidarity, and...
为了与他共进退 我也照做了 而且
So, at first, we just tried,
you know, sticking straws directly into the camel's humps,
but he was not having that.
So, I got out a grenade.
And I say, "Hey, man.
我说 "喂 兄弟
"I'm new to skid row, I just did a shitload of heroin,
"And I need to take a nap.
I'll find you a new tent."
Basically the MS-13s were like,
"Do you want to get jumped in or sexed in?"
And I had a girlfriend at the time, so here we go.
Broadcasting live from Los Angeles,
I am book critic, radio host and failed amateur gardener...
我是书评家 电台主持 不合格的业余园艺师
and this is Tip of My Tongue.
I may have left a trail of vegetable corpses in my wake,
but I am still qualified to introduce our special guests.
Back with us is actor, writer and master improviser
再次做客的是演员 作家 即兴创作大师
- Andy Daly. - Oh, thank you, Steeb.
-安迪·达利 -谢谢 斯帝博
Hey, is it true that you had a restraining order
placed on you by a clutch of watercress?
Also, television writer and comedienne
- Emily Heller. - If anyone brought legumes,
please know that Steeb can't be within 500 feet of them.
I bean a bad boy.
erotica writer Jimmy Shive-Overly.
Thanks, Steeb. Uh, well,
多谢 斯帝博 那个...
I hope they're not serving carrots at crafty...
Let's get started with our first game:
"Who's Steeb Right Now?"
Well, one thing we know about Steeb
is that he is a perpetrator of hominy-cide.
Everyone knows that France is the best country.
They basically won World War II,
and they invented the best type of kissing:
Their president is a Benetton model
who bangs his mom-wife.
♪ Mon petit chou ♪
♪ Mon petit chou ♪
♪ Mon petit chou, chou bee doo bee doo bee doo ♪
♪ Mon petit chou, chou, chou bee doo ♪
♪ Quand je vois ton sourire ♪
♪ Tes yeux, tes lèvres, tes cheveux ♪
♪ Que tu es le seul ♪
♪ Mon soleil, mon balance, sans pareil ♪
♪ Tu es ce lui que j'adore ♪
♪ Tu seras toujours mon amour ♪
♪ Et c'est pourquoi ♪
♪ Je suis avec toi ♪
♪ Mon petit chou chou, chou bee doo ♪
♪ Mon petit chou... ♪
Thank you, Gretchen.
Ah, the winner is Poland. Way to go, sweetie!
- Hooray! - are you kidding me?
I-I'm not even done yet.
I have a whole thing with a baguette!
Which goes back to my original point:
don't open a bottle of Gruner Veltliner with a first-chair oboist
unless you want to end up in her laundry room,
peeing into her mop sink.
Okay. Our next game
is "Limerick Lightning Cage Match."
I will read a limerick, and you will complete it.
Jimmy, let's start with you.
"Astronomers chose just to can it,
"But the little guy's fans "Couldn't stand it.
"Now the stars have aligned,
"And they're changing their minds
by returning its status to..."
Who paid you to throw this game?
Planet, referring to Pluto, of course.
But granite was a great guess.
I mean, scientists can never tell
when something is made of granite.
They call it their white whale.
So, ten points for Emily,
and negative five points for our resident smut peddler.
Well, for your information, this "Smut peddler"
is on New York Times
Mass-Market Paperback Best Seller list.
The Mass-Market list.
What other books might one find on that list?
Oh, uh, How My Cat Cured My Cancer.
American Ninja Warrior: The Novel.
The Life-Changing Magic of Throwing Some Things in the Garbage.
What are we watching?
I know a bunch of the sounds they're saying,
but I don't understand the sentences.
Chicken Soup for the Stomach.
The DiCaprio Code.
Paul, I'm at a very important Jimmy thing.
Lindsay! I got arrested for biking under the influence.
Come bail me out, Lindsay, please.
来把我保释出去 琳赛 求你了
- I need your help. - You need my help?
Or Angels Are Real, I Swear.
How about uh, Shakespeare, But With Vampires?
Improve Your Memory in Zero Easy Steps.
Killer, uh, B-Ballerinas.
Well, that was a squeaker.
I said, that was a squeaker!
Why don't you try writing
your own obituary and then kill yourself?"
"Jimmy Shive-Overly died this week.
His member was stiff, and soon, so was the rest of his body."
Now, that's a squeaker.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I don't know how to act with her.
I'm not her mom. I'm not her friend.
I'm trying to make this work.
I feel like I'm supposed to be good at this.
Do you think I'm good at this?
Last year I bought her a sword.
I lost her at the mall
because I was staring at a Cinnabon too hard.
Just be yourself, okay?
I'm gonna order some pierogies.
Come down and join us when you're ready.
since I still have shrapnel in my body
but I don't have insurance, it's...
it's kind of like the memory of that day when I lost my best friend...
is always inside me,
between my colon and my genitals.
I don't know what to say.
That feels... really awesome telling you my truth.
We missed the entire show.
I guess we should get back to work.
We still have to write our sketch for this week.
What if there's a dictator who's a tater, but also a total dick?
听听这个 有个独裁者 既很孤僻 又很混蛋
Actually, I'm just gonna head home.
But I feel so honored that you shared that with me.
Did I talk too long?
No. That was a gift.
it wasn't my fault.
The entire DUI industry is run
by a for- profit organization
called Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
They keep lowering the legal limit
so they can raise money
to pay their huge executive salaries.
That's mothers for you.
The smell, right?
I know. I lost a rotisserie chicken in here somewhere,
and I can't find it anywhere.
No, uh... I'm just impressed.
You've really moved on.
I was so excited to be a father, Lindsay.
I even... started a...
...to welcome it into the world.
Hi, baby. This is entry number 47.
你好啊 宝宝 这是第47条视频
Today we're gonna focus on the constellation
Auriga, the charioteer.
I'll take you to Mexico to see it one day.
Hopefully, by then my stomach will have adapted to the molé.
I'm so sorry, Bear.
You can still be a dad someday.
You just need to find the right...
What's the book about?
Great Plains settlers in 1875.
What's going on in the part you're reading?
The settlers don't have enough food,
so the little girl's dog runs away.
Oh. Like Bus Stop Goat.
- Who? - He's, like, the greatest pet of Instagram.
We DM all the time. Look.
I forgot I have to go do this thing with Ben Folds.
Promise you'll never repeat that in public.
Okay. I'll see you later.
- Hey, Doug. - Edgar. Doug Benson.
-你好 道格 -埃德加 我是道格·本森
Quick call before I board a flight to Davos.
I'm hosting a forum on building investor confidence
in post- civil war Moldova.
Wait. There's a civil war in Moldova?
Not yet, but we're aiming for March.
Listen, you're gonna be doing
all the high- concept sketches from now on.
I'm moving Max over to episode development.
But you have my full confidence.
Okay, got to run.
Deep state never sleeps.
I got your text.
Uh, what he's having, but a triple.
- He's having a triple. - Right.
So make mine... nine.
Sorry your dumb radio show was mean to you.
I thought I could be the one writer
to elevate the romance genre.
Your book elevated the only thing it needed to: my dick.
And what's with the dress?
Are you starting a Serge Gainsbourg cover band?
No, I just had to go to this stupid thing in Eagle Rock.
All things in Eagle Rock are stupid.
What was it, runny cheese tasting at the Converse store?
It's called international night,
with that guy, Boone, and his daughter.
If you have to be somewhere...
Mm, no. I have this work thing, but...
不用 我的确有件工作上的事 但...
nobody will care if I'm a little late.
Gretch, where are you?
Ben's hella late.
You said this dude was professional.
This was supposed to be our big opportunity.
Where is this fool?!
Where are you?! Ugh!
You ready to rock?
Can I offer you boys a tooch of rug?
Rug? That doesn't sound right.
Hey, Ben, are you...?
话说 本 你是...
- Holy shit! - Holy shit!
- Are you okay? - Dude, your head!
-你没事吧 -老兄 你的头
After the restaurant, I stayed me had some couple Manhattan.
And then blue drink.
That was yesterday.
Well, then why was I in Griffith Park tomorrow?
All right, let's do this.
All right. Uh, don't worry about it.
Who puts drinks on a piano? Two, three, six.
什么人会把酒放在钢琴上 二 三 六
I can't hear it. I can't hear it.
It's in the key of E, guys.
I have to tell you something.
I came by your house the other day
and saw you doing some chick on the couch.
So who was the nasty slizz?
Uh, well, that was Katherine, my old friend from home,
but she's not nasty.
I mean, boring, sure.
She's unbearably annoying.
Completely reeking of unearned snobbery.
She's an entertainment lawyer,
that noble calling.
That's what John Adams was, wasn't he?
Excuse me. Is this chair free?
Does it look like it's free?
Obviously my bag is sitting there, idiot.