好汉两个半 第三季 Two and a Half Men Season 3 第21集: And the Plot Moistens
上映日期: 2,005
语言: 英语
影片类型: 喜剧
导演:
演员: 查理·辛 / 乔恩·克莱尔 / 安加斯·T·琼斯 / 乔迪·琳·欧基菲 / 朱丽娅·坎贝尔 / 埃曼妞·沃吉亚 / 艾普尔·鲍白 / 瓦莱丽·阿兹林 / Stephanie Reibel / 乔希·戴
台词
Alan,do you ever fantasize when we're making love?
艾伦 我们嘿咻的时候你会有幻想吗?
Well,occasionally I pretend that I'm better looking.
呃 有时候我会幻想自己长得更帅些
What about you?
你呢?
Sometimes I imagine we're in the middle of a big department store.
有时候我会想像我们在 一个很大的商场里
Having sex?
嘿咻?
No,shopping.
不是 购物
Why would I fantasize about having sex while I'm having sex?
我在嘿咻的时候 为什么还要幻想嘿咻?
Do you think about ham and cheese when you're eating a sandwich?
你在吃三明治的时候 还会想着火腿和奶酪吗?
Can't argue with that.
你说得我哑口无言
What you thinking?
你在想什么?
Nothing really.
什么也没想
I just...I got a call from Jake's school today.
只是...我今天收到杰克学校来的电话
You know who called me?Jessica Murray.
你知道谁给我来了电话吗?洁西卡·默里
Oh,who's that?
喔 她是谁?
A friend of mine.
我的一个朋友
Yeah,well....
是啊 呃...
Anyway,Jake's mom and I have to
反正杰克的妈妈和我得过去
go to a parent-teacher conference tomorrow...
参加个家长会 而且...
and I don't really know what it's about.
我都不知道是为了什么事
Hey,do you ever pretend your toes are little people?
嘿 你有没有用脚趾扮过小人?
What?
什么?
No.
没有
Sometimes I make believe they're different families playing Family Feud.
有时候我让他们扮成两家子 一起玩"家庭问答"
All right,let's meet our champions.
好了 让我们来认识下冠军们
He goes to market,she stays home,please welcome the Piggy family.
他买家用 她持家 请欢迎小猪一家
Hi,everybody.
嗨 大家好
You' re going down Piggy family.
你们输定了 小猪一家
You're going down.
你们铁定输
-Hey -Hey.
-嘿 -嘿
How's it going?
你怎么样?
Forget it,Alan.
别提了 艾伦
I only do the apre-sex chat with people I've just had sex with.
我只跟刚和我嘿咻过的人 进行"事"后聊天
Come on.She's playing Family Feud with her toes.
她跟那儿用脚趾头玩"家庭问答"
I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples.
她就算用咪咪来弹班卓琴 都不关我事儿啊
I need to communicate after lovemaking.I need to share.
嘿咻以后我需要交流 我需要分享
You should have thought of that before boinking a girl...
也许你在与一个智商只有Tickle Me Elmo那个程度的
[一种一碰就会笑的玩具]
...with the lQ of Tickle Me Elmo.
那么高的女孩交往前 就该想到这点
Fine.
好吧
Hey,Berta.How's it going?
嘿 波塔.你怎么样?
Back off,zippy.
走开 你兴奋个啥
You want pillow talk,you gotta spoon me first.
你想说枕边密语 就得以"侧臥体位"上了我先
Two and a Half Men,Season 03,episode 21.
好汉两个半 第03季第21集. 后期:wqswqswswqs
I suppose I could talk about his grades again...
我本该跟你们讨论一下他的成绩
[喻指:为时已晚]
but I think we all agree that ship has pretty much sailed.
但我想我们都同意"船已行远"
So why did you wanna see us?
那您为什么要见我们?
Well,I'm concerned that even outside of the classroom...
呃 我有点担心杰克 因为即使在教室以外
Jake has no interest in anything that goes on around here.
他好像对学校进行的任何事情 都没兴趣
Now,hang on.
喔 等一下
He speaks very highly of your hot lunch program.
他对你们热腾腾的午餐计划 相当的讚许
Well,I was talking more about hobbies or extracurricular activities.
喔 我指的是兴趣爱好 或是课外活动
Well,I don't know about his father
呃 我不清楚他父亲怎么样
but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
但我 的确尝试和他分享我的一些爱好
Unfortunately,he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
不幸的是 他年纪太小 还不能吸收那么多埋怨男人的阴郁思想
You know I was kind of lacking in focus when I was his age too
当我在他这个年纪的时候 也没什么爱好
till I got bit by the old theater bug.
直到我被老戏剧的死虫子咬了下
Too bad you didn't get bit by the old rabid squirrel.
真可惜你不是被有狂犬病的老松鼠给咬了
You know,I'm organizing a drama club.
我正在组织一个戏剧社团
Would that be something Jake would have any interest in...
杰克会有兴趣吗?
or do you think he gets enough drama at home?
还是他在家里看够你们的闹剧?
All the world's a stage.
世界就是一个大舞台
And we are merely players.
我们只是其中的表演者
[巫婆的咒语]
Bubble,bubble,toil and trouble.
冒泡 冒泡 不怕辛劳不怕烦
She say what I'm in trouble for?
她说了我惹什么麻烦了吗?
Nope.
没有
Boy,it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
老天 就是因为不知道才让人抓狂
Yeah,like a pregnancy test.
是啊 就像验孕一样
Yeah.
是啊
I don't get it.
我没听懂
Yes.In your face,Opie.
太棒了 你输了 小衰佬
This game stinks.
这个游戏太差劲了
No,you stink at it.
不 是你玩得太差劲
That was my lunch money.
那是我的午饭钱
Oh,your lunch money,why didn't you tell me?
喔 你的午饭钱?为什么不告诉我呢?
Boo-freaking-hoo.Pack a sandwich.
买个三明治吃吧
Okay,Jake,well,we talked to Miss Sheffield.
好了 杰克 呃 我们和谢菲尔德老师谈过了
I'm sorry.
对不起
What are you sorry about?
为什么对不起?
I'm....
我...
I'm sorry I interrupted you.Go ahead.
因为打断了你而对不起 你接着说
It would be a good idea if you got involved in extracurricular activities.
呃 我们想你如果参加一些 课外活动 会是个不错的主意
Oh,okay.
喔 没问题
Great,great.
太好了 太好了
We'll talk about it at home.
我们回家再谈
Do you know what an "extracurricular activity" is?
你知道"课外活动"是指什么吗?
Who cares?I'm off the hook.
管他呢 总之我没麻烦就行了呗
What do you think?
你觉得怎么样?
What was this all about?
这个动作是干嘛?
It's choreography
这是配舞
It's gay.
太娘娘腔
Okay.okay,Forget about the movements.
好吧 好吧 别管那些动作
Just try singing the song
只要试着唱这首歌
-No. -Why not?
-不要 -为什么不要?
Because it's gay.
因为太娘娘腔
Don't encourage him.
不要怂恿他
[1953年英国老电影]
Don't make him sing Gilbert and Sullivan.
不要让他唱《乐坛双杰》 里的歌
He needs something to audition for the school musical.
他在学校音乐剧的选拔上 总要唱点什么
You teach him a song.
那你来教他首歌
Why don't you let him choose?
为什么不让自己选呢?
Oh,Jake.Tell you uncle what you wanted to sing
喔 杰克.何不告诉你叔叔 你想唱什么歌?
It's called "Whup That Stanky Ho."
歌名是"抽那臭婊子"
All right.There's gotta be some middle ground here.
好吧.肯定有些折中的歌曲
You like classic rock,right?
你喜欢古典摇滚音乐 对吗?
Yeah.
是的
Okay,well,pick a band.
好的 挑一个你喜欢的乐队
How about Queen?
"皇后乐队"怎么样?
Oh,good.
喔 很好
I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.
我就怕他选个娘娘腔的歌
Doesn't sound right.
听上去不大对劲
You heard it too,huh?
你也听出来了 呃?
You sure you played all the right notes?
你确定你都弹对音了?
Yes,I'm sure.
是的 我确定
It doesn't sound anything like Queen's version.
呃 听上去一点也不像 "皇后乐队"的版本
No,it doesn't.
是的 不像
Why don't you work on it.We'll try again tomorrow.
你好好练练?我们明天再试试
Yeah,why don't I do that.
是啊 为什么不呢?
The kid's a double threat:tone-deaf and arrogant.
这个孩子简直是双重威胁 既五音不全 又自以为是
Hey
嘿
Where have you been?Kandi called for you.
你去哪了?康迪打电话来找过你
Oh,I had to work late.
喔 我在加班
one of my regular patients had a crisis.
我有一个老病人突然病发
His name is Roger,he had a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve.
他叫罗杰 身上有几根脊椎 压到了一根神经
Too bad
太糟了
Nice guy,you'd like him.
是啊 他人很不错 你会喜欢他的
He restores old cars.
他是修理旧车的
Well,it's actually more a hobby than a job.
呃 与其说这是他的工作 还不如说是一种爱好
He works at Staples.
他在史泰博上班
His name is Roger.
他叫罗杰
-Alan -Yeah?
-艾伦 -啥?
Why are you lying to me?
你为什么要对我撒谎?
I don't know.I really suck at it.
我不知道 我说谎实在太差
You do indeed.
是啊
Don't you care where I was?
你不关心我刚才去哪了吗?
Why would I start now?
我现在为什么要开始关心?
Oh,come on,I really need to get this off my chest.
喔 拜托 我真的想一吐为快
All right,go ahead.
好吧 说吧
I was with another woman
我和另一个女人在一起
Okay,okay,see,that's a good lie.
很好 很好 这个谎话编的不错
No,no.I really was with another woman.
不不 我真的和另一个女人在一起
Seriously?
真的?
You're already doing a hot 22-year-old and you're cheating on her?
你已经干了一个22岁的辣妹 而现在又背着她偷情?
Yes.
是的
I am so proud of you.
真为你骄傲
What?
什么?
Who's the dog?My brother's the dog.
发情公狗是谁?就是我兄弟
Come on,dog.Come on,dog.Howl with me.
过来 种狗 快过来 种狗 跟我一起嚎叫
No,stop howling and let me explain.
不 别再叫了 听我解释
There's nothing to explain.
没有什么好解释的
You're sleeping with two women at the same time.
你同时和两个女人上床
You're a big old dog.
你是一条发情的老种狗
No,I haven't been sleeping with the other woman.
不 我没有和另一个女人上床
I've been seeing Jake's teacher.
我见的是杰克的老师
All we do is talk.
我们只是聊天
I don't know how to explain it.We have so much in common.
我不知道如何解释.我们只是有很多共同语言
I mean,she's divorced.She has a kid Jake's age.
我是说 她离婚有一个孩子和杰克差不多大
She reads.She likes the theater.
她爱看书 也喜欢看戏剧
Yeah,yeah.But you're not sleeping with her?
是啊 是啊 但你没和她上床?
Why would I when I've got Kandi?
我有康迪了 为什么还要和她上床?
I don't know.
我不知道
Because you can?
因为你可以?
It's not that kind of a relationship.It's intellectual.
我们俩不是那种关系 是精神层面的
So take her to a museum,enjoy the exhibits and do her in the restroom.
那就带她去博物馆看展览 然后在洗手间干她
You're missing the point
你没听懂我的意思
No,you're missing the point.
不 是你没听懂我的意思
Not getting laid,it's not cheating.
如果你没和她上床 那就算不上什么出轨
Then why do I feel so guilty?
那我为什么还有内疚感?
That's easy.Because you're an idiot.
这个问题很好回答 因为你是个白痴
I guess I always thought that
我想是因为我总以为
one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.
一个女人 就可以满足我各方面的需求
Oh,that's an old wives' tale.
喔 那是很久以前的老婆神话了
Started to protect the interests of,you guessed it,old wives.
是为了保护老婆们的权利
So you're saying the whole concept of monogamy is a fraud.
你是说一夫一妻制 根本是骗人的?
The institution of marriage is a sham?
婚姻制度是虚伪的?
No,no,no.
不不不
I'm just saying,bang the teacher.
我只是说上了那个老师
Why does he make everything so complicated?
他为什么总喜欢 把事情搞得那么复杂?
Here we go.
搞掂
"Blunderbuss."
"愚蠢 爱犯错的人"
Very elegant use of my "under."
你很优雅的用了我的"under"
Thank you.
谢谢
Boy.
老天
I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.
我手上的元音比檀香山[夏威夷首都]电话簿上的还多
You're so clever,Alan.
你真聪明 艾伦
Thank you.
谢谢
You am smart too.
你也很聪慧
Hey,Alan,can I talk to you for a sec?
嘿 艾伦 我可以跟你说句话吗?
Sure.
当然
Excuse me.
失陪一下
Hurry back.
快点回来
What's up?
怎么了?
You tell me
应该你来告诉我
Nothing,we're just playing Scrabble.
没什么啊 我们只是在玩拼字游戏
and you know what?
你知道吗?
And you're right.
我想你说的对
There's nothing to feel guilty about
的确没什么好内疚的
Good to know.Because Kandi's here.
很高兴听到你这么说 因为康迪来了
Oh,okay.
喔 这样啊
It's not a problem.
没关系
Here's what we do.
接下来我们该这么办
-We? -Come on,work with me.
-我们? -拜托 帮帮我
You go cover for me with Kandi
你去帮我应付康迪
and I'll get Francine the hell out of here.
我去把弗朗辛弄走
But there was nothing to feel guilty about.
但我还以为你没什么好内疚的
You know that and I know that,now go lie to Kandi about it.
是啊 是啊 你我都心知肚明 现在快去帮我骗骗康迪
Fine,I'll tell her you went to Staples to see Roger.
好的 我去告诉她 你去史泰博看罗杰了
Who?
谁?
Hey,why don't we walk on the beach
嘿 我们为何不去海滩上散散步呢?
What about the game?
那拼字游戏怎么办?
Screw the game,I concede.You win,well-played.
别管游戏了 我让步 你赢了 拼字高手
All right.
好吧
It is a beautiful night.
多美的夜晚啊
Yeah,yeah.Let's go enjoy it on the beach.Chop-chop.
是啊 是啊 让我们到海滩上 去享受这迷人的夜晚吧 赶快行动啦
-Kandi? -What?
-康迪? -什么?
Alan must have slipped out.
艾伦一定是溜出去了
You're lying to me,Charlie
你在骗我 查理
No,I'm not.
不 我没有
Oh,okay.
喔 好吧
Wait,wait.
等等
Don't you wanna know where he is?
你不想知道他去哪了?
Where who is?
谁去哪了?
Alan.
艾伦
Sure,why not.
当然想知道 为什么不呢?
All right.The truth is...
好的
Alan is out trying to find the perfect gift for you.
事实上艾伦是出去帮你买礼物了
-Really? -Yes.
-真的? -是的
He wants to surprise you with something extremely expensive.
他想送一样特别昂贵的东西 给你个意外惊喜
Can you give me a hint?
你能给我点提示吗?
Well,let's see.
喔 是这样的
It's something that's a girl's best friend...
它是女孩们最好的朋友
and looks good wrapped around their neck.
缠绕在脖子上特别漂亮
I'm getting a monkey?
他要送我一只猴子?
No,no.Sweet Lord.
不 不 老天
A diamond necklace.
是钻石项链
That's nice too.
喔 那也不错
Just remember,you didn't hear it from me.
记住 我什么也没跟你说过
Then who did I hear it from?
那是谁告诉我的?
Nobody.
谁也没有
When he gives it to you,act surprised.
当他送给你的时候 要表现得很惊喜
Don't worry,I'll be really surprised.
别担心 我会装得很惊喜的
Good.Good.Good.
很好 很好 很好
So will he.
他也会的
That's...That's...
这真是...真是...
That's terrific.
真是太棒了
-Do you wanna hear it again? -No.
-你想再听一遍吗? -不用了
We don't want you to strain your voice.
我们不想累到你的喉咙
Do you think I'm gonna do okay at the audition?
你们觉得我选拔的时候会通过吗?
You never know how these things go
呃 你永远不会知道未来的事情
Yeah.
是啊
Just hope I have a decent piano player.
只是希望我能有个像样点的钢琴伴奏
I thought you were working with him.What's the problem?
我还以为你们俩合作的不错 出什么问题了?
Okay,there's a technical term we musicians use.
好吧 我们音乐家通常 用这个专业用语形容他
Jake stinks.
杰克太差了
Well,is there anything we can do?
呃 我们能做些什么吗?
We can hope "stinks" suddenly becomes popular.
我们可以祈祷"太差" 能突然间流行起来
But I wouldn't count on it.
但我觉得没戏
Oh,by the way,you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.
喔 顺便说一句 你要给康迪买一条钻石项链
What?
什么?
You told me to cover.
你叫我帮你打掩护的
I said you were out buying her jewelry.
我说你出去帮她买珠宝了
That's all you could think of?
你就能想出来这个借口?
Well,I could think of a lot of things but only one made me laugh.
喔 我可以想到很多借口 但只有一个可以让我发笑的
I can't afford to buy her jewelry.
我买不起珠宝给她
I know.
我知道
That's what makes it funny.
所以这才好笑
Must have been so expensive.
这一定很贵吧
Yeah.
是的
You do realize this entitles you to extra-special bonus sex.
你知道这个可以帮你赢得床上额外的快乐不?
What is extra-special bonus sex?
额外的是什么?
It's whatever you want it to be.
就是你想怎么样 就怎么样
That sounds like fun.
听上去很有趣
Go away.
滚开
Okay,I'll just play Scrabble till you're ready.
好吧 那我就一直玩拼字游戏 直到你有空
Give me a sec.
等我一下下
Please don't tell me Francine is here.
不要告诉我弗朗辛来了
Okay.
好吧
Wait,wait,wait.
等等 等等 等等
Francine is here?
弗朗辛真来了?
Yeah,you want me to cover for you?
是的 要我帮你打掩护吗?
Yes.
当然
I'm on it.
那我去了
Wait.
等等
Charlie,I'm begging you.
查理 求求你
No more jewelry.
别再让我送珠宝了
Don't worry.
别担心
It's not funny twice.
这招用2次就不好玩了
Sorry,he must have gone out.
抱歉 他一定是出去了
Oh,okay.
喔 好吧
Tell him I stopped by.
告诉他我来过了
Francine,wait.
弗朗辛 等等
I can't do this.
我不能这样做
Do what?
做什么?
I'm not a good liar.
我不太善于说谎
I know where he is,I'm just not supposed to tell you.
其实我知道他去哪了 但原本不该告诉你
The thing is,Alan does a lot of charity work.
事实上 艾伦在慈善方面贡献良多
Really?
真的吗?
Oh,yeah.
喔 是的
Right now he's down at the nursing home giving sponge baths to old people.
例如现在 他就在养老院 给老年人们做海绵擦身浴
They don't go out a lot so they tend to get dusty.
他们不大出门 所以身上很多灰尘
I had no idea.
我完全不知道这些
In fact,just the other night he was down on skid row...
事实上 还有一天晚上
teaching salsa dancing to crack addicts.
他去贫民窟教那些吸毒者 跳萨尔萨舞蹈
Oh,my goodness.
喔 天哪
They have the energy,they just lack the focus.
他们其实精力很充沛 只是没用对地方
But I think...
但是我认为
I think what he's proudest of is his work with the kids.
我认为他最了不起的地方 是帮助孩子们
He takes runaways forced to live on the streets and
他帮助那些离家出走 留宿街头的孩子
teaches them how to live in the woods.
教他们如何在树林里生存
I don't really see the point but
我不是太明白他这样做的意义
those little urchins seem to thrive in the wild.
但那些小顽童们看似在野外茁壮成长
It's like he's a saint.
他就像是个圣人
You must be so proud to have him as your brother.
你一定很骄傲 有他这样一个好兄弟
Well,truth be told,he does bring me a lot of joy.
喔 说实话 他的确给我带来了很多乐趣
Thank you for telling me this,Charlie.
谢谢你告诉我这些 查理
You're welcome.
不客气
Just promise you won't embarrass him bringing it up.
只要答应我别跟他提起这些 否则他会不好意思的
Not a word.
我一个字也不会提的
I just hope I can be worthy of him.
我只是希望自己能配得上他
And the plot moistens.
成功埋下诡计
Oh,that's terrific,buddy.I am so proud of you.
喔 太棒了 伙计.真为你骄傲
Yeah,sure,I'll tell him.
好的 没问题 我会告诉他
Oh,all right.
喔 好的
Love you.Bye-bye.
爱你 拜拜
Guess what.
你猜怎么着?
Jake just got the lead in the school musical.
杰克要在学校的音乐剧里 担任主角了
The lead?
主角?
What happened,did every other kid in school get mono?
怎么回事?其他孩子 都得了单核细胞增多症了?
No,I think it was Francine.
不 我觉得是弗朗辛的缘故
I think she cast Jake because of our relationship.
我觉得她是因为我们的关系 才选的杰克
You mean it's gotten physical?
你是说你们睡过了?
You're sleeping his way to the top?
你帮他一睡成名?
No,no.Nothing happened between us.
不 不.我们之间啥事也没发生
But I think she's fallen for me
但是我觉得她爱上我了
Really?
真的吗?
What makes you think that?
你为什么这么认为?
Well,I had lunch with her today and she was looking at me with...
呃 我今天和她一起吃午餐 她看我的那眼神...
I don't know...
说不清...
worship in her eyes.
好像充满了崇敬之情
Like I was some kind of...
就好像我是什么...
-Saint? -Yes,yes.
-圣人? -对 对
How did you know?
你怎么知道?
That's how I think of you.
我也是这么看你的
Very funny.
很好笑 听着
I've been doing my best not to lead her on
我已经尽量不让她喜欢上我了
but I guess I just underestimated my allure.
但看来我低估了自己的诱惑力
Say that again.
再说一遍
-What? -That last part.
-什么? -最后那部分
You mean,I underestimated my allure?
你是说 "我低估了我的诱惑力"这句?
Yeah,that's it.
对 就是这句
I'm sorry,am I missing something?
不好意思 是不是有什么我不知道的?
No,not a thing.
不 没有
Well,good.
喔 很好
You see,Alan.That's how you lie.
知道吗 艾伦 你一撒谎就这样
Pretty exciting,huh?
很激动人心 对不?
Opening night.
开幕之夜
Well,having seen the previews,I'm betting closing night too.
呃 我看过预演了 我猜这也是闭幕之夜
Boy,this brings back memories.
伙计们 这让我回忆起小时候
Sixth grade was the happiest two years of my life.
小学6年级是我一生中最快乐的2年
It's the finger.
"夺命手指"又来了
Excuse me.
失陪一下
So,Kandi,what's your favorite musical?
康迪 你最喜欢的音乐剧是什么?
The trombone.
长号 [她以为他问她"最喜欢的乐器是什么"]
I can't believe you brought her here.
真不敢相信你把她带来了
I had to,Jake invited her.
没办法 杰克邀请了她
Is that a diamond necklace?
她戴的是钻石项链?
You never gave me a diamond necklace.
你从来没送过我钻石项链
Yeah,well,you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
是啊 呃 你也从来没给过我 额外的奖励
-Hi,Charlie -Hi.
-嗨 查理 -嗨
Who's this?
-这位是? -这位?
This?Oh,this is Kandi.
喔 这位是康迪
Hi,I'm with Alan.
嗨 我和艾伦一起的
Are you one of those young people he takes care of?
你是他照顾的 那些年轻人中的一个?
Yep,yep,yep.
是的 是的 是的
Good old Saint Alan.
好圣人 艾伦
Just can't do enough for the kids.
总是嫌为孩子们做得不够多
Look at this diamond necklace he gave me.
看这条钻石项链 是他送给我的
He gave you a diamond necklace?
他送你钻石项链?
Don't get the wrong idea,it wasn't to get me to have sex.
别想歪了 他这么做 并不是为了跟我上床
I was already doing everything he wanted.
我已经满足了他想要的一切
I am as shocked as you are.
我和你一样震惊
What was that about?
她怎么回事?
Funny story.I'll tell you later.
说来就有意思了 我晚点告诉你